And this is the beginning of the month??

Well, what can I say? The heat is still here hovering around 100 and making everyone miserable. We can't run central air because it costs too much, so we just die from heat. Fun, huh??

That's been the big bummer, but I do have other things on my mind that are also a bit more pressing. My kids' paternal grandmother - Linda - is NOT well. She broke her leg in three places a couple of months ago and has been in the hospital. That's bad enough, but she's a heafty girl, like me! Well, that doesn't work well. She can't get up, can't use the bathroom by herself. On top of that, she has pneumonia and some kind of virus so she's in isolation. Before that she was in the ICU because her kidneys shut down. Guess they were able to put that in remission somehow. Anyway, she just sounds so tired. Roger is in Nevada because that's where they were moving. He comes back to see her, I guess, but no one else really can or has. I can't. Not only is she too far away, but I don't have a car of I'd arrange a day trip!! But everytime I talk to her I get this horrible feeling that she's not going to make it . . . that just because of this stupid broken leg that she won't make it out of the hospital alive. I wish I didn't feel that way, but I do. Maybe it just reminds me too much of my dad when he was sliding downhill fast. I just wish I could do something . . . see her . . . something! I can't even afford to send flowers! Not that I know what hospital she's in. I just hate to think of her there alone.

Then as if THAT'S not enough to contend with, Greg's mother just had a major stroke today. The next 24 hours they'll know how bad. She'll either live or die. He's already a wreck. I can't even imagine what he's going to be like in and when she passes. I hope she doesn't pass away. I don't think he could handle it. I mean, it's bad enough she had a stroke. But I don't know . . . All I can do is be there and be a friend.

Some good stuff though! Cassie got her hair cut!! She got it cut short! :-) I was kind of worried, but she looks cute with the style she got. Then I got her school supplies - or most of them. I still have things to pick up yet and was going to do that shopping today until Greg's mom . . . But he said he might take us because he'll want something to get his mind off his mom for awhile. It would work, you know? His mind would be occupied by my stuff and I'd be able to get the last minute shopping done that I need to do. Then Sunday Cassie is going to get her hair colored again to this beautiful golden blonde. It's so pretty. Everyone loved the color, but her roots are showing now so it's time to redo!

Cassie also went to her school orientation Yesterday. She got her PE clothes, a lock and school planner. Plus the list of what she'd need. We got just about everything! Yay! But I think her going was a great thing. She's not afraid of going to middle school now and I think at first she was. But she met up with her friends and they had fun running all over the school - which gets her to know where what class room is where! So I think by the time Tuesday rolls around, she'll be ready! I can't believe my baby is going into Middle School! Wow . . .

Well, guess that's an update. I need to get out of this room soon or I might die of the heat. It's not as high as it was, but it's high enough. All I can say is, what a start to the month!

What a BLAST!!

I just had the best party!! My daughter with Jason and Susan's help planned me a "surprise" party and even though I knew there was going to be a party, I was soooooo surprised!

Greg came and picked me up from the house. Personally, I had a lot of anxiety going on. Not sure why, but I didn't know who might be there and if I'd some how blow being surprised. I was nervous about keeping up conversation . . . every normal kind of thing, I think. Then when I got there, the first thing I saw was this caution tape on the door warning of someone's 40th birthday - basically over the hill! LOL! Then I walked inside and there was purple and blue streamers, white, pink and red balloons and a special Over the Hill party hat just for me! LOL! What surprised me more was that Sharon and Colette were there AND Linda Sen. was there with her baby Amaya! Oh, she's so cute! She's 15 months old. At first I didn't even recognize Linda and then was a little worried about conversation, but then we started talking about kids and that's all she wrote. We went from kinds, to 6th Grade promotion and our kids going to school . . . life in general! It was fantastic! And Jason cooked his fabulous BBQ chicken and even cooked Hot Dogs. We also had baked beans. For appetizers Susan had gotten some of the crab salad I love and we had chips and crackers. There was soda, water and I even got gift cards!! THAT was a big surprise too! I was expecting just birthday cards and got gift cards too - $10 to Barnes and Noble and $20 to Target!! I know what they will go for and it will help me out a lot! That's $30 more I'll have in my pocket next month for back to school and whatever else I'll need!

Anyway, I just had such a good time. I mean, I knew it would be a nice party, but this was honestly just so much fun and the time will be remembered for a long time to come!

It's Been a Long Month

I hardly know what to write to be honest. It's been a long month. Not so much because I have had nothing to do or had too much to do. It's been long because I've been in a funk for a good part of this month. I called it a case of the Blahs. All kinds of depression symptoms without being depressed . . . until the last few days. Then all the evil depressive and anxious thoughts came. I hate it!! Of course, I don't know anyone who loves it! LOL! I just feel frustrated. It has interferred with my ability to concentrate and basically my ability to write. I haven't wanted to do ANYTHING even be online for any length of time. Of course, throw in the heat factor and I haven't been able to be out here for long, period. I have also been tired all the time. Just feeling rundown. No interest in doing anything, but not wanting to sit and be a vegetable. It's not been a good time. And adding to all this is the heat factor. We've had temps as high as 106 degrees! I do bad when it hits the 90s! I feel like I'm dying when it hits the 100s!! After all, I'm part polar bear.

But not everything had been bad! My actually birthday was kind of nice. I was able to go out and get a cake. My mother cooked me steak. Greg brought me lunch, gave me ten bucks, two lotto tickets (that I have yet to see if they're winners!) and two cards. I got to spend a little time on the computer and I think I even worked a little on my book. Unfortunately, it just didn't last. But we'll see how today is! After all, it might be a better day!

Something really sweet did happen this month. My son proposed to his long time girlfriend. They still have a LONG way to go before they can get married. Jordan needs to pull his life together, get his GED and get a good job. But just the fact that he did - at the beach too! How romantic! And of course, she said yes! In fact, she has everything planned out for the wedding down to the last detail which I think is so cute! I'm even going to give him my wedding rings to give to her, though we have to find a men's match somewhere (when it's time). It makes me feel special to know that the rings are going down to the next generation and hopefully will be part of their lives forever. I also look forward to when Alicia is my daughter-in-law and I become a grandma! Maybe some women don't, but I sure do! But I'm not going to be one of those mothers that push for a grandchild either. When it happens it happens because even when you try it can take a very long time. I know because it took me five years to get pregnant with my Cassie!

Anyway, not sure what else to blab about. LOL! I am getting ready to go to a BBQ at Jason and Susan's. That should be a fun time! I love going over there for BBQs. It's a nice respite from the house and I get to spend time with friends. Plus, the kids have things to do there too. Jordan gets to play is World of Warcraft and Cassie gets to go play with Katie. I also get to spend time with the kitties! I love that!

Well, guess another update will happen later, but so far, my biggest wish is that these blahs and depression go away soon. I want my life back.

Life is So Fleeting . . .

Today seemed like any other day, with a few exceptions. We have family visiting. Because of that, I gave up dinner at a friends' place. As it turns out, they had this cute little kitten that they called Minnie Mouse. She looked almost exactly like her mother except she was fluffy. Minnie was the cutest black and white (mostly black) fluff ball you could ever seen and she was sweet. She was the only one in her litter. That was a weird thing too. I had never heard of a domestic cat having only one kitten in a litter. Plus, this time around Coley - her mother - seemed present, and yet not present like she used to be with her others. It was odd. But if she meowed on us, Coley was there to take her off.

Anyway, no one knows what's happened, but beautiful little Minnie Mouse died. They just found her and she had to have died recently because she was still warm and there was no idea of what happened. Maybe one of the other cats played too rough with her. I know I've seen Chris play a bit rough with her . . . but he seemed to love her. But maybe he treated her too much like a toy and hurt something that she couldn't heal from. Or maybe she just wasn't well to beginning with. But it's not like we'll ever know . . . Just Minnine is dead . . . gone . . . we will never see her again. Maybe we all took it for granted that she was just healthy and doing fine. Maybe we were too complacent. But this hurts so much and she wasn't even my cat. But I can feel Jason and Susan's pain. And I haven't even told Cassie. I'm not sure what I'm going to tell her. I'm sitting here in tears for a kitten that wasn't mine, but I'd held her, loved her while I could . . . and now she's gone. I won't get to see how she grows up. I don't get to see her even go to a new home. She's gone . . . just like that . . . like a candle flame that someone just blew out . . . just like that . . .

God, life is so fleeting and sometimes it's hard to understand or rather accept . . .

Happy August!

Well, it's be better if I didn't still feel rundown and just off. The last week I have had major anxiety attacks which are annoying and I haven't wanted to take my ativan! But they are starting to get bad and I might not have much of a choice soon. Plus, I just feel fuzzy. Not sure what that's all about, but I hate it too. It just seems like I might lose myself in this fog somehow!

The good news is that I'm not so far gone that I can't edit and I'm going over my manuscript again with a fine tooth comb. I think getting the big edits done was VERY important, but I missed a lot of little stuff because I was sick and not feeling well. Now that I'm better I've been working on it. Another thing is that I was editing from beginning to end. I had to because of the new scenes I was going to add in. But all in all, for small edits it's easier to jump around. That way you're focusing on the one chapter and not the story. It has been working great so far! I'm about halfway done and I am hoping that by the time the weekend is over I will have most if not all of the edits completely done!

After that, it's just setting up the book in the right format and then it'll be ready to go should an agent ask for it! It's rather exciting!

I just wish I weren't so tired. I feel like I could just lay down and take a nap. THAT sucks, but I guess I'll live. Maybe I'll feel more like myself next week. One can hope!

I Didn't Expect to Be So Nervous!

Okay, I am sending out my very first query letter to a literary agent. Grant you, it's just one and chances are it's going to be rejected. I mean, most people are, so I have that in my mind. But I can't believe just how nervous I was writing out the envelope and putting the letter into it! LOL! Generally I'd be putting several in the mail, but the one is all I can afford at the moment. More will go out on the 3rd of next month when I have money. Still . . . I just wasn't expecting to be so nervous. LOL! My hands were litterally shaking!

Okay, I guess I'm just insane. :-P But at least it will go off into the mail today!! In that regard I'm excited too!

Wish me luck!

IT'S TOO HOT!!!

Well, not a whole lot has been going on lately and the heat has been killing me. I know there are a lot of places where the heat is worse, but the heat literally makes me sick. I not only sweat, but I swell. My legs, feet and fingers all feel like cooked sausaged. It's disgusting and makes me feel bad about myself. As if that's not bad enough I get irritable and if THAT isn't bad enough, I literally get nauseated. I almost started throwing up a couple of days ago because of the heat.

The funny thing is, the heat has been worse, but I just can't take it either way. We have no air conditioning because it takes too much money to run it. The fans do just about nothing but move hot air around. Even with the windows open it sucks. Then at night, if it's too hot, I can't sleep. No sleep means bad next day.

I don't know what happened the night before last, but I didn't sleep. It could have been from the heat since I woke up ever two hours and then it was this strange half sleep. I woke up so tired . . . I ended up not being able to edit Chapter 12 of my book and that had been my goal for yesterday. But the good news is that I got sleep last night and was able to somehow finish chapter 12 today!! Even in the hellish heat! So as long as I keep my mind focused, I get enough sleep and can try to concentrate through this horrible heat, I'll be done editing my book in about four days, give or take. I can't wait!! But with this heat, even if I finish I'm not sure how wonderful I'll feel. I mean, I'll be excited!! I'm excited now! But this heat . . . It sort of ruins everything, you know? I'm going to try not to let it ruin this for me. It's a step in the right direction. I am moving forward! I will get finished, get an agent and get published! :-) At least that's the plan! We'll see!

But either way, no matter what I can accomplish or not, I have only one thing to say at the moment: IT'S TOO HOT!!!! UGH!!

Summer Not So Fun Heat - But Writing is Pretty Good!!

I am so happy with my editing! So far I have made it through 11 chapters. Today I was supposed to finish Chapter 12, but I didn't get much sleep last night and am exhausted. I thought of taking a nap, but it's too hot and it might keep me from sleeping tonight. It's just frustrating because I don't trust myself to edit like this and I am so close!! I'm five chapters and a short epilogue away from having it completely edited!! I want it to be perfect and I think it'll be close once I get this last edited, so I guess it's not surprising I'm so frustrated today. I have been able to get at least one chapter a day done until now. Ugh . . . This isn't fun.

Maybe I should take a nap (or try - stupid summer heat!!) and risk not sleeping tonight. Then at least when I woke up I might be able to tackle this chapter and keep doing what I planned - a chapter a day. I suppose it won't be the end of the world if I have to put it off for a day, but I would really love to stick to my schedule. But even with windows open and fans going I am just melting. Not sure I could sleep if I tried because of it.

I do have to be excited that I'm so close though! And I believe it's a good concept and a pretty good book! If I had my bets out of everything I've written thus-far that this is the best all around. Plus, I'm getting ideas on how to write my query letter! The biggest thing that has me stumped is how to condense my story and still make it interesting. Things are starting to click though so I might have something ready to go as soon as the book is done! Wouldn't that be fantastic? I hope so!

Guess that's enough for this ramble. I'm going to get some water and see what I can do to try to cool off before I get sick and throw up - yeah, I know, nice visual, but the heat makes me that sick. :-( Hate it, hate it, hate it!!!!!

Why Do Some People Never GROW UP??

(My friend is the one is the Leather Jacket)

I've known this woman since I was twleve years old. She's actually about 2 years older than me, but she has always acted younger, making me refer to her as my little sister. We had our ups and downs, but in the end we were always friends and I always thought of her as a sister. That never changed.

Okay, now fast forward to January 2008. Being the writer that I am, I like to encourage others to write. I have usually found people get great benefits from it. Comprehension goes up. Vocabulary increases . . . Plus it's a great way to get out your emotions. It can be very, very cathartic!! I find it so anyway.

So when she said she was interested in writing again and would I help her write a book, I said sure. It would be a fun side project. Well, the fun side project ended up being a HUGE deal. She started taking it seriously. She WANTED to get it published. This book was going to solve all her problems. Yeah . . . reality check. And get this part - I was having to write it for her!!!! Her grammar, spelling . . . everything was bad. The plot was childish. She would ask me about things and it was like a kid writing and this woman is 41 or is it 42 now, I think?

This is an example of what I was had to edit:


Mark and the boys are out looking at one of the Christmas tree lots, they have been to at least four of them since they left after Daniel and Brian took Brianna to the Doctors. They finally found the prefect Christmas tree and as Jeff pays for it and they get it tied to the top of the Car. Mark looks at his Brothers as the get ready to start to leave." Now if we can just pull this off before she gets home." They get in the car and drive off to the Lancing Family Estate.


Brianna walks out after they did her CT-Scan "All done now can we go eat" Daniel looks at her and smiles "How About we go through drive thru and you can eat at home while you rest. What would you like to eat?"


"How about we get a few pizzas and bring them home." Brian looks at Brianna "I like that idea." Brian pulls out his cell phone how about we call Round table and get four large pizza's and some salads and soda to go and we stop and pick it on the way back to the house and Then my darling it's bed for you until your hair appointment." She looks at Brian. "As long as you stay close."


He squeezes her hand. He dials the number to Round table pizza. " Yes I would like to place an order four of your large pizzas pepperoni pizzas and four large salads and four bottles of coke. This will be a pick up the is the number is as follows." He gives his cell phone number. "Ok I'll be there in twenty minutes. As they climbs back into the car. And head back towards the family estate.

It might not be the worst writing in the world, but this isn't the worst I was dealing with either. This is child's play compared some I had to work with.

Still I wanted to encourage her, but she was getting more and more demanding because she knew she could not pull off the quality I could write. Not that I'm the best writer by any stretch of the imagination, but her writing got to be really overwhelming for me after awhile; especially when I was trying to work on my own material seriously - and her calling me every day JUST to talk about her book. Not "Hi, how are you? How are the kids?" or "Thought I'd call and see how things are?" or even, "What are you up to?" It was always, "I have an idea on the book!" "Have you written on the book?!" Book, book, book, book, book . . . Eventually, our friendship came down to . . . this book! But it wasn't just me either. She was so obsessed with it that she was emotionally abusing her kids when they were on the computer. I mean, she cussed at them anyway (which I NEVER thought was appropriate) but when I found out that her daughter didn't even want to come home because her stomach hurt her all the time and that my friend had called her a c*nt was the last straw. I told her I had my own projects to work on and I had other things going on in my life, so I was backing out of the project.

I bet you can guess what happened after that - she dropped me as a friend! Surprise, surprise. But that's not the worst of it. It's been almost a year now since this happened and she hasn't let it go!! Not that I've tried to contact her, but she's using her own children to try to upset me and my kids - well more my daughter because they can't get to my son. I don't think they'd try anyway. But it doesn't matter.

You might be surprised considering how she treated them, but you know what? She's still their mother. It's not that I don't understand why they're doing it, but you don't tell someone's daughter whose not even 12 years old yet that they're a "F*cking spoiled brat" or whatever it was she said.

THEN this woman had the nerve to write me a letter. I didn't look at it. It went straight to the trash once I saw one negative word. Not saying anything to her will drive her more nuts.

But the thing is, it's like being thrown back to Junior High!! I mean, shouldn't everyone have grown up by now?? Especially if you've had a couple of kids?? But she never will. It's how she is and how she'll always been and as much as I have loved her as a sister, I am definitely done. Why should I care about someone that will not drop stuff after a year and who uses their own children to target other kids to get their pathetic form of revenge?

But I wish someone would tell this woman to GROW UP!

So Far So Good!

Well, at the moment I am working on my first manuscript. I've been editing and just finished the fourth chapter. Only another twelve to go! LOL! I can only do so much at one time though, or I start missing stuff. And even when I'm doing pretty good, I still miss something here and there that I find later. It can be maddening, but that's how it goes.

What I'm also doing is coming up with new scenes I'm going to be adding in. I realized that there was an area that I could expand on and in turn, it would make the book longer - which in this case would be a good thing. So far I have a three page scene and I'm working on another right now though I haven't gotten very far. It's more or less introducing the other people in the plot. I am hoping by the time I'm done I'll have added another 20 pages or more AND that it goes well within the story I've already written! I think it will. I just worry about it slowing down the pace of the book. I guess we'll see. When it's done, I'll see about sending it to a couple of trusted friends and see if they think it made things better or worse. I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. Whatelse can I do, right? And I have to believe that what I'm adding will be a good addition to the story; that I am NOT making a mistake.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried though. LOL! But when I'm done with this one, I'll have two more books to wreck my brain against! :-P

Annoying Teenage Brats!

Well, it's sad, but that's how things are. Some teens are just brats. They don't think. They plot and they willingly bully kids younger than them at the behest of their psychotic parent.

I might be bipolar but I don't use my kids to do my dirty work. If I'm ticked off with someone, I don't play games. I tell them directly and I CERTAINLY DON'T USE MY KIDS!!

A friend I had a falling out with almost a year ago is having her daughter, Heather, not only play games with my nephew Taylor, but is now playing games with my Cassie through her friend Kimmie. I can't believe that someone whose 15 years old would continue to be that immature. But then again, if I look at her mother, Denise, I can see why. Not only is the woman bipolar like me, but without knowing her other diagnosis, I know for a fact she has Histrionic Personality Disorder where everything is a crisis. Drama, Drama, Drama! Though she claims she doesn't like it. SHE CREATES IT!! The woman is nuts, but I've always loved her as a sister, yet this is seriously pushing it. I mean, it's been a year since our falling out!! Get OVER IT already! And to use hers kid to bully a girl whose only 11 years old?? And to pick on Cassie because of who her mother is and who had a falling out with HER mother? It's just pathetic. If this is how her Heather and Kimmie are now, what will they be like as adults?? Not really sure I want to know that one.

She told my daughter that I was a b*tch, that she was a spoiled f*cking brat. This was on Gaia by the way, and of course, the little coward blocked my daugher because I think she knew I was going to get involved and do something about it. Well, I did. My daughter and I reported her ass to Gaia for bullying and abusing. I hope they cancel that little brat's account and that she'll know better than to hurt people like that. Until she can mature a little bit and not abuse over the social network, I hope they keep her off. Of course, that's just dreaming, but oh well.

Then my nephew found out what happened and my son found heard his sister crying and why and they are both are ready to slam Kimmie and Heather for playing games like this (They will not use bad language, but definitely use condescension

which I am all for). It just sucks that these kids are

so easily lead to do this.

I mean, it's one thing to stick up for your parent. I understand that, even if your parent is in the wrong. That's what kids do, but this is totally uncalled for, hurtful and beyond what's reasonable! My daughter was in tears!! All I can be certain of at the moment is that Karma is a bitch and eventually they'll get theirs. Even the universe recognizes teenagers on their way to adulthood.

Anyway, all I can do is hope that this little witches gets what they deserves.

Ugh!!! Bratty Teenagers!!!

At least the other teens I know are good kids. But there's always a few bad apples and in this case with a worm in one. Ah well . . .

Writing Passion

Well, writing is my passion. It's what I've been wanting to do since I was 12 years old when I realized I could write and create my own worlds or the ideas of a world that interested me. Where anything could happen.

It started easily enough. My favorite show was Fantasy Island. What's easier for a kid to write for? I wrote at least two scripts that took place on Fantasy Island. I have another than used it as a cross-over point to Battlestar Galactica which I had gotten hooked on in re-runs.

From there I branched out to short stories in 9th grade. I had the best English teacher to loved creative writing and inspired me. He would give up a sentence and we'd have to write a paragraph to it. He'd give up the beginning of a story and we'd have to finish it. Once he showed up a picture of a little waterfall and we had to write something that was at least half a page long. Mine was two pages and I could have probably pushed it to three.

In 10th grade I created my own series for TV and wrote about four or five scripts for it. I also wrote a couple of movie scripts (using the correct format finally) and several more short stories. I never did anything with any of this, but I knew I had talent. My teachers all told me I did and encouraged me.

When I was 16 and in 11th grade I was in a Senior class. Again I was inspired to write short stories. It was also when I was inspired to start writing romance. Not that I was in love with anyone attainable. My love affair was with a character on TV and I recognized it as such. To this day I still love the character Stingray on the short-lived 80s TV show. But this was also the time I started writing books and poetry. I never finished a single book I started though. Over the years I even got as far as chapter 11 in one book and just stopped as if my mind had stopped working. But then a couple of years ago a miracle happened. I FINISHED my first book!! Not only did I finish it, but I had people WAITING to read the end which had taken me a very long time. Even my kids' paternal grandmother who doesn't read romance LOVED it!! By almost everyone who has read it, I was told they just couldn't put it down. That has to say something for the story, right?

Anyway, so here I am, trying to edit it. There are 16 chapters plus an epilogue and I'm only done with the first three chapters. There are new things I'm adding and I want to correct as many mistakes as I can find, add any details that need to be added and just make it the best that it can be. But it's so difficult and exacting. However, I'm going to push forward.

Once it's done, I go on to write my query letter. Not sure what I'll do about an agent, but I'll see what I can do and if not, I'll send my manuscript directly.

On my side, it's not the only one I've completed. I have two others that are part of a quartet of stories that also needed serious editing and the third of the set halfway done. At least I can say ideas are not what I lack. Sometimes it's the determination to finish. Sometimes it's just the exacting work of editing. But this time is my time. I'm going to do this. I will finish. I will get published and I WILL make a living at it and finally know for myself that my talent is real.

Can we be friends?

Can you actually be friends with someone you don't trust? I mean, not like he's going to hurt me. Just that he will never be reliable . . . Greg, the friend I kicked to the curb is back . . . I know, maybe I shouldn't have let him back at all, but I put down the ground rules. If we're friends we are just friends and we're going to go slow. There will be no huggie, kissie or anything else. I'm sorry, but NO! Even today he offered to take me and the kids to Jason and Susan's. He was an hour late. So he's still the same as when I kicked him to the curb . . . well, just about. At least he showed up. But tomorrow I have an appointment tomorrow. He wants to take me when I know I have another ride. My honest reaction is that he's going to flake. That he will not be there when I need him. This has been the case for awhile now. Plus, he has other commitments. That in and of itself is fine. I have no trouble with that. But don't tell me you're going to show up when you can't and then don't tell me. However, he's assuring me he's going to be here tomorrow. I told him if he's 5-10 minutes late, I'm calling my original ride - Susan. They both think he'll flake out on me too.

In fact, when I got out of their car tonight I said, "I'll probably see you tomorrow!" They replied that they thought the same thing. I guess only time will tell. Maybe it seems kind of mean or that I'm setting Greg up for failure. But when it's happened so much in the past, it's hard not to expect the same behavior. Guess we'll see, but if he does flake out yet again, it's going to make things all the harder because I expect more out of my friends. I am there for them. If I say I'm going to do something I generally will and most of the time if I can't, I tell them so, or I won't commit. I'll tell them maybe and why. If he just doesn't show up, then that will be what he's been doing to me for awhile and I expect common decency from my friends; not just an "I'm sorry" later.

Other than that, my day and night has been pretty good. I got to chat with Ron today before he went to work. I was active on Cafemom and posted some of my writing exercises and a chapter of my book. It's always a bit nerve-wrecking to do because I just want everyone to love it and yet I'm afraid of it getting picked apart - which I know comes from years and years of emotional abuse starting in early childhood. I have gotten a lot better at accepting constructive criticism, but it still is really hard. There is always that initial, "OMG! I screwed up. They hate it. They hate me." It gets personalized really quick and then I feel like a failure and maybe burst into tears and I HATE to cry. LOL! I know, all over dramatic. But I've gotten better. It's still a struggle though.

Other than that, I was able to spend a pleasant evening with Jason and Susan. They're still struggling over the loss of Troy. It's hard for all of us, but I got to play and pet the other kitties, enjoy a fantastic meal of chili mac with biscuits and strawberry shortcake for dessert while watching something on Animal Planet about this guy working his way into a Lion Pride - a wild lion pride! It was pretty amazing. But not much else. I updated my Chapter 3 from edits I made on the hard copy I have and I am going to be going through Chapter 4 tonight maybe, if I don't crash first. I am soooooo tired! LOL! And if not that, then I have an idea for another scene to add to the book as I go. It'll just be a matter of trying to figure out where to fit it. Plus, I just need to work out the particulars of the scene in my mind anyway. I might actually be too tired to do it at all. I feel like I could fall asleep right now. But we'll see.

Anyway, now I'm going to check a few more things, write to my beloved Ron and then I'll be off to read, write or watch a movie! I never really know until I'm at that point in the future. I'm just like that!

When it Rains it Pours They Say . . .

And apparently they're right. It seems that bad things happen in clusters . . . all at once, to make sure you don't have a chance to breath and deal with the issues one at a time. No, that would be too convenient and helpful. Instead it had to be all at once and cause people to feel almost like they're having a mental breakdown (I know that feel from personal experience!). I just don't understand why it all has to happen at once. Everyone loves to say how strong I am because of what I've gone through and survived, which isn't even as bad as many, many stories I've heard, but I'm NOT that strong!

The day kinda started a little crappy. I woke up exhausted. I'm exhausted even now because of it. Last night I just couldn't sleep even though I was tired. I'm hoping tonight that I will finally be able to sleep again for a night before I go through a couple more days of this. So not a great start to the day. THEN, I realize that my son missed his TRACE appointment so I had him call and we're going to try to reschedule for Thursday. One can only hope because he needs this program and Sy is a good guy. Then I have been listening to the kids bicker all day! In general it's kind of a regular thing. They're siblings and 6 years apart and seem to revel in annoying the crap out of each other and ME! Ugh . . .

On the positive side, I was able to clean around my computer desk, my mother was actually nice and fixed me French Toast. I probably wouldn't have eaten otherwise. Today is just one of those days where I just don't feel like doing anything for me. I guess it means depression has been setting in all day. I even got in a shower which was nice because there are days where I just don't or can't.

But then, I was supposed to go over to Jason and Susan's. We still are, but originally, he was going to get us a cab. Anyway, things changed and now they are going to have to put one of the cats down tonight. We're still going over for a BBQ but it's also so we can say good-bye to Troy. He is a HUGE cat and it looks like they over feed him, but they don't. He hardly eats . . . so it was some kind of genetic problem. Plus we think he has asthma because he has a horrible breathy cough and he's been having this weird shake to his head and his eyes have been very dialated. He just doesn't seem like he feels good . . . He wasn't the brightest cat in the world. He never did seem to figure out how to use the litterbox, though his sister never had a problem. Still, he is the biggest, sweetest lover of a cat. He was a great brother to his sister. A great uncle to the kittens. He was like a surrogate daddy.

It makes it hard on me too because I had Troy and Katianna's mother and grandmother, so they ARE my family too. Not that they wouldn't be. But in a way I'm just as connected as Jason and Susan. But at least my daughter was able to make me laugh. They need to borrow our carrier for Troy and it's not the biggest carrier. So my daughter starts smiling saying, "I don't know if he will fit." Then my son chimed in saying, "Well even if we get him in, we won't be able to get him out unless we take the carrier apart." I don't know why, but it made me smile and laugh. Maybe just the thought of Troy's big butt inside this carrier . . . I don't know, but I definitely needed it. As it is, I'm still in tears. I have had to put down several cats in my time and it's never easy. It always hurts because they're family.

On top of that, they're going to have to get rid of the other cats and I am very devistated over that as well because I can't even take any of them and I want my Anna. But my mother won't let me keep her. I hate living here with this woman . . . I'm lucky to have my Karissa. Plus, they're going to have to switch apartments for awhile so that their old apartment can be cleaned, and new carpets put in and the walls painted . . . and they're going to have to pay for it since it's pet damage. It will keep them from going on their cruise to Hawaii in December . . .

It just all feels like so much and it sucks. But I guess that's the nature of life . . . Ups, Downs, Round and Rounds . . . And rain . . . lots and lots of rain . . .

A New Family Member!!

We have a toad!! Actually, it looks like a frog to me. Cassie said it was a frog. The guy that sold it to her said it was a frog. But Fire-Bellies are TOADS! But it's so cute! I don't care! Still, I was looking stuff up about them today and I know what we need to get for it on July 3rd. It's important to get the right habitat, the right food, the right amount of water . . . all that fun stuff.

Of course, turns out that though these frogs aren't terribly toxic, they do secrete a toxin from their skin. Basically it means we wash hands when we're done and we wash out the enclosure regularly to keep the toxin levels down. I have to say though, out of all the things she could have brought home from the swap meet, this has to be the cutest and best. It will just require care.

Other than that, nothing else really knew, but I think the new froggy is enough for now! LOL! So now it's off to writing and chatting again!!

Such a Wonderful Month June - NOT!

Well, what can I say. This month has been full of a lot of ups and down. A lot of decisions too. Things have changed a lot since my last post two months ago - since it's almost July now. I suppose I can do a quick run through or at least try!

June isn't a good month for many reasons. There are a lot of reminders this month and it causes a lot of depression. My father's birthday is this month. Then Father's Day is this month too. As if that's not bad enough, the anniversary of the day my niece died is this month - on the 9th. I was hit by a really bad depression on the 12th. I didn't even realize what day it was (My father's bday is the 13th) until that Monday. It's a good thing I saw my pdoc on Wednesday because I knew at that point I needed help. My moods have been more unstable than I'd like and it's been going on for awhile. Anyway, he added Abilify and so far so good, but I go up in dosage tonight. Hopefully I'll still tolerate it and it will continue to help.

One of the bigger things to happen this month too was that I had to break up a friendship. It's sad, but Greg always wanted more and I couldn't give him that. He was always waiting in the wings, thinking I was going to change my mind. It's not something you turn on and off light a light switch. If it's not there, it's just not there! Anyway, when I had taken him back last December it was under the guidelines that we were friends. That we were NOT a couple. And that he needed to find other friends. I couldn't be his end all-be all. Guess what never happened and what I was? Plus, what it really came down to as well is that as sweet as he is he just wasn't reliable either! I knew he was having problems and I tried to be as nice about it as possible. But I got frustrated when he kept falling asleep on his feet. He would tell me what was causing it and then not go get help. And of course, he fell over - broke ribs - gave himself a concussion . . . FINALLY he got off the medication that was doing that to him. But it took him months. And of course, because of that he fell asleep a lot. Well, the thing is, if he needed rest that was FINE. But he'd tell me he could still do something - even though I could have gotten a ride or rescheduled things. But no . . . he just wouldn't show up! I'm sorry, but if you can't do something you say so! You don't just leave someone hanging and then later say, "I'm sorry. I fell asleep." After about 8 times in 14 days I'd had enough. Cassie got left at school, she had to find rides to school because he wouldn't show up. I missed a therapy appointment (though my therapist is a wonderful guy and actually did the session with me over the phone). But friends don't do that to friends! If you can't do something YOU SAY SO! And he wanted more? I mean, lets just say for argument's sake that I was interested in him for more. That would have been a HUGE problem. Another problem was that he was SOOOOOO needy! I mean, he just wanted to be around me every moment he could! He'd get upset if I didn't invite him over when Cassie was gone for the weekend! Sorry, but I do like time to myself! He just wanted to cling and cling and cling like a vine or a leech.

The real last straw for me was then he told me that he was sorry and tried to make it up to me - uh . . . there are some things you can NEVER make up for. The first thing that came to my mind was the fact that Cassie's graduation was coming up. If I missed that there would be NO WAY to make that up. Not EVER. So that was the last straw. I knew I couldn't rely on him and I NEED to be able to rely on my friends. They're the only people I have in my life that are truly there for me! My family never will be. And I try to do my best to be there for them too. Though it's harder now. . . Still, that's what friends do for each other! We're the real family and that's what families really do!

Anyway, I told Greg that what his needs were and my needs were just weren't compatible. I tried to be nice about it, but he just wouldn't take the hint. I stopped texting him. He would keep texting me. When he gave up on me he started texting Jason. I finally wrote a Text that was more on the mean side than I ever wanted to write and had Jason forward it. Greg got pissed and then the next day he's texting me again asking if we're friends! sigh . . . Some people just don't get it. AND he bought me a van . . . He's fixing it up and he still says he's going to give it to me anyway. That's great and all, but I won't have him thinking that's a way to get back with me. It isn't. I don't want him in my life! I want to be able to move forward. If I want to see guys I want to see them. I KNOW he won't like that, but that's what he's been told. That I want to see who I want to see, screw who I want to screw or whatever. Get a hint!! But he's still texting and now he's asking me why I hate him. It's frustrating because I know Jason forward another Text to him that said I don't hate him. I just can't have him in my life if I'm going to move forward. On top of that what we each want is different. He is just hopeless. I understand he's dealing with some serious abandonment issues, but then he needs to get help! He needs to work on himself and not try to cling onto something that's just not there. But it's just not getting through his head. And it's not like the kids were devistated either. I think they both wanted me to push him to the curb anyway. He let them down enough too. Well, more Cassie then Jordan. But they both saw how upset I got on a regular basis. Kids don't like to see their mom upset.

On a good note, my friend Brooke was able to take me to the Graduation and I got to see Cassie graduate from the 5the grade! She's not officially a 6th grader! Middle school next year! Yikes!! LOL! We swung by McDonald's for a celebratory lunch. I was going to buy for everyone, but she insisted on buying for her and the kids. She is such a sweet person! Then she took me to my pdoc appointment and my therapy appointment. And to throw in for fun, Cassie came down with some kind of rash. Still don't know what it was, but I was kind of freaking out and she was sweet enough to come get us and take us to Children's Urgent Care. I know when Brooke says she's going to do something, she does! Jason and Susan too! They have taken me shopping, helped me get my meds. I could not ask for better friends. I am truly blessed in that department. If I didn't have my friends I would be in very sorry shape. I don't even want to think about it. I might not have even made it long enough in my life to have kids. People can't go it alone without someone to be there for them . . . to listen to them . . . Sometimes just stand at their side.

What else can I say . . . I've been editing my Manuscript again. It's not exactly where I want it. It's just such a long arduous process . . . But I think it's actually turning out pretty good. My family will be pissed when it get published though! LOL!

And the best of all, I have a very, very special friend in Australia. So one of my goals is to get there and meet him in person. Even if it's just once! I also have another Friend in Australia. I'd love to meet him and his wife and a friend in New Zealand! LOL! Yeah, I know people everywhere it seems!

I've also been working on myself. I have actually lost some weight, though not sure how much. Still. I am moving better and my clothes are more loose. I have increased my water intake and tried to eat more regularly. I have also been doing stretching though I am hit and miss with it. I have to get a bit more regular. But I really think, for the first time in I don't know how long, I am really trying to work on myself physically. I'm trying to take care of myself and I'm happy about it I think. It makes me feel good about myself and I haven't felt that in a long time. Though I'd still way over critical. I pick apart everything about my looks. Ron and a few other friends really do tell me how much they think I'm gorgeous! LOL! Part of me wants to believe it and I actually like some of my pix now. Just not many of them! I still see someone the size of a house! But that's changing! Like the jeans I put on today. Usually they do slide after a bit. But these started sliding almost immediately. It's funny to have my jeans trying to slide off as soon as I stand up! LOL! Guess that's progress!

OH!! AND JORDAN GOT TO GO TO THE PROM WITH ALICIA!!! They looked so good! Wish my scanner was working. I had a lot of photos I want to scan. But they had a blast together! It was one of the best nights of his life and I'm sure it was for Alicia too!

Anyway, lots of ups and downs - more crap with my mother of course - but I'm doing okay. Hopefully with the new meds I'll continue to be okay if not better! I am hoping that even with the down days that life will continue to look more up than down.

One hell of a week

I don't know if I should cry, scream or just go to sleep. It seems like I have been on edge anyway. Nothing was going right for awhile, after everything had been right for awhile. It's strange how the other shoe always has to drop. I can feel all these stupid emotions swirling all around me and yet it doesn't matter. I can't control them. I can control what others see, but I can't control what I feel inside and it's been everything from irritation to anger, to emotional and physical pain.

The only real bright spot in my life is a man I love and who loves me who is married and lives half way around the world. Okay, not the best of relationships, but it's not exactly like we're going to meet - at least not any time soon.

But the events have played out a bit like this - Jason texted me Saturday morning with some crap about Cassie. When I fired back at him with a couple of things - not being nasty, just being hurt - he shoots off at me with some nasty things that hit me hard. It just brought up a lot of past trauma that has been happening since I was a kid where I was just a worthless human being. I still struggle with my self-worth, though I no longer think of myself as a bad person. I just still don't have a lot of worth in my eyes. And of course, because he was already angry (before he texted me) he lashed out and hit way below the belt. I wouldn't talk to him for Susan for the whole day and spent it crying on and off. It's difficult for a woman that hates to cry, to actually do that. It makes one feel vulnerable and out of control and feeling a lot of pain. Anyway, then I let my friend Greg over to spend the night. I thought maybe I'd be able to get some sleep eventually, but he shook, talked and woke up so much that I COULDN'T sleep until he was gone. Then I got a few hours. Even the next day, though I was talking to Jason again, I still spent a lot of time crying and I'm even feeling it now, though only because I'm thinking of the event. That's how bad it got to him . . .

If that had just been it, it wouldn't have been a big deal. But then Sunday night when Cassie gets home from spending the night with Jennifer and then going fishing that day - where she caught a 4.2 lb Bass that she had to release which was a major Highlight for her, she managed to slam her wrist in the bedroom door. Still not sure how it happens, but I've had things like that happen to me too on very rare occasions. Well, she was in pain. I tried helping her ice the area. My mother let her borrow a splint for the night and a nightgown since my daughter only really has PJs. I also gave her some advil. She practically cried herself to sleep. When it was still hurting the next morning, I knew it needed to be X-rayed to make sure it wasn't fractured. I knew it wasn't broke, but I thought a fracture might be possible, though I had hoped not. So off to the ER. Well, good news, there was no fracture at all. She had just managed to traumatize the tissue so they gave her a split, which is already falling apart - how cheap - and they also gave her tylenol with Codine. She's had two of them and I'm not sure I like them because they make her very emotional and last night it brought up some very bad feelings. She still has a lot of pain and anger revolving about her repeated molestation. Therapy apparently didn't help much so I'm going to talk to my therapist about what I can do to help her. I really just don't know. I'm a bit close to the events too. I have a lot of my own anger issues to work through, though certainly not nearly the same as my daughters.

But with the hospital, Greg was supposed to pick us up as soon as we discharged before he saw his mother. That's was fine and dandy, only he took 45 minutes to get there and it should have only taken him 20 at the most. So we sat down on concrete all that time waiting for him. She had been given tylenol with codine in the hospital already and was tired and grouchy. Well, Greg FINALLY got there. He parked and went to go see his mom. No big deal and I knew he was going to be awhile. But OMG!! That van was so uncomfortable since I was tired too. Cassie had no problem crashing in the backseat, but I just couldn't get comfortable at all and did a lot of stretching and moving around. By the time he got there, we had to get Cassie's medicine. I had to stop home for something, I ended not being able to find and then went to walmart. I was on my feet for hours there. It was fun up until the point that my back and body really started aching.

Between last night and today, I can't remember the last time my body hurt this much. Then today I was invited over to dinner at Jason and Susan's. As I said - weekend over. Greg took us there. Was supposed to come back to pick us up since he couldn't be there for dinner . . . But as it got later and I couldn't reach him Susan was going to take us home. However, what pushed us into going home the most was Cassie's "friend" Katie and I use that term loosely. I don't know exactly what happened. The story is incomplete on both sides, but either way, it doesn't matter. Katie doesn't have a mark on her and Cassie has a HUGE scratch mark down her face! I am HORRIFIED and PISSED over there. I told Cassie, I don't care if you want to make up with her later, it's not happening this time. I'm putting my foot down. PERIOD. Plus, Katie has stolen toys from Cassie and on occasion just helps herself to candy and things that belong to other people. Anyway, it's been nothing but drama when it comes to this girl and for the most part, I thought she was a sweet kid, but there has been more than this one instance when things have gone very wrong. And regardless of ANYTHING else, those two bring out the WORST in each other and need to stay away from each other anyway.

It just seems like things just keep getting worse.

It sucks, but I guess that's life.

So much for a Christmas without Depression

Here it is. It sucks but here it is. It was going so well too . . . Got a real tree. Decorated it. Put lights up. Put lights in our window. I even wrote a Christmas newsletter to send out to friends in Christmas cards. Was able to track down an address for my birthfather . . . I thought I had everything under control and everything was going to be fine. Even Greg and I are friends - and that's it. I can't do the relationship thing. I can't. I don't want to. It's not my thing and I don't want it to be ever again.

But then, this weekend, I finally got sleep I needed, but it also turned out that night I was sick. I was throwing up and had the diahreah thing . . . Cassie was at her friend Katie's - who lives just a complex up from Jason and Susan. I was thinking everything was fine . . . Until the next day. I actually ended up being tired, but all right. However, when Jason and Susan got home, I found out that no only did Cassie and Katie go into Jason and Susan's to see the kitties, but they spent the night. They ate there, dragged cat crap through the house (without realizing it it of course), but money was missing - which Cassie didn't take. I mean, I would be totally pissed too. But when they called me and I know they were venting. I do understand. In their place I might be the same way. But I didn't know anything either and I felt as if I were being reprimanded then I wasn't even there. I was home sick in bed, throwing up! I didn't know anything until after the fact too.

Anyway, I gave Cassie a talk. She won't talk to Jason and Susan. She doesn't want to go over there ever again. She never wants to see Katie again and she's put herself on 2 month grounding - how many kids do that? Jason said that they don't blame her anymore. Or maybe more accurately - they don't blame just her like they were last night. I know it comes down to the fact that Cassie got in and let Katie in, but after she was inside and then not listening to Cassie . . . Anyway, Cassie already got the talk to by me that it came back to her for letting Katie in to begin with . . . for letting them both in when Jason and Susan were out of town!

But then jason today tries handing me crap that he and susan could have gone to jail . . . WHAT?? They could not have gone to jail considering they weren't home and Cassie basically could have been charged with breaking and entering! Which means I probably would have ended up in jail, not them! Anyway, it's done. I can't fix it. I've already lectured her. She doesn't want to go over for Christmas Eve, which puts me in a difficult position because if she doesn't go, that means I either leave her here as prey for my other family, or I stay home too. Either way, Christmas feels completely ruined and I feel like I am in the middle of everyone I love and I don't think I can handle too much more of that. I count on my real family and kids to make this holidays great - and it usually ends up that way. And I had so high hopes for this holiday . . . and to see them dashed really sucks. Makes me just want Christmas over. It's hard to appreciate it when you feel like your world is coming down around you.

I don't blame them for being angry. I would have been furious too. But being Cassie's mom, I feel totally in the middle. I have already lectured her. She's already grounded . . . And they still want her to come over for Christmas eve and she doesn't want to go. She actually told me to tell them to take her presents back. She didn't want them now. I think she's afraid of getting lectured and/or yelled at now. So I just don't know what to do. And I have been holding the tears back since last night and I don't think I can anymore. I feel like I am in the middle of everyone I love and there is no way out. Everything is just falling apart around me . . . and all I can do it cry.

So here I sit, completely depressed when this season was actually going so well for awhile . . . Everything ruined. Even my mother can't help but do her bitch, bitch, bitch routine just a little more than usual. Well, when shit hits the fan, it hits the fan, right? I am trying so hard not to cry and I just can't stop it. I really do detest crying. I hate how I feel. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate all of this right now . . . Like Cassie, I'm sure, I wish that I could just disappear. What worries me is that if one more thing happens, I might not have to be worried about me hurting myself, but maybe Cassie trying to hurt herself. She hasn't done anything to make me think that, but it's like a vibration I feel. I don't think she could handle another thing and I think I'm right about her being bipolar too. I'd like to think I'm wrong, but everything is an over the top drama . . . Worse than any teenage years I remember . . . I don't know.

I just wish things would have stayed nice and happy and that for once I would have had a really good holiday season where I didn't have a lot of stress . . . no depression . . . that I was mostly happy . . . and now that's all gone . . .

Depression sucks and Depression at Christmas is even worse.

O Christmas Tree

This week has really been one heck of a week. I have had so many mood swings . . . it's really driving me nuts. I have received a total of 2 Christmas cards. I haven't sent any out. Plus some require a letter and to be honest, I don't have a whole lot of positive things to share about this year. In fact, I'm looking forward to the new year with the hope that it will be much better! So I have been stuck on what to write.

Then my mother tries to tell me that I can't set up my little tree in the bedroom and that she doesn't want me to hang lights in their either . . . HUH?! She's afraid I'm going to set the house on fire with little, itty, bitty led lights because they're against the wall . . . Uh, they don't get that hot!! But then she was telling me I could set it up in the family room . . . yeah, like I want to spend time out there? The kids and I do NOT open presents out there! Why? Because we get to listen to how I shouldn't get them games and toys . . . I should only get them clothes . . . Yeah. She would LOVE to ruin my kids' lives.

Anyway, Cassie and I hung up lights anyway. In fact, we have some beautiful stars shining in our window in different colors. Then we have a regular strained of lights up around some of the room. We have the stockings up . . . and what my mother doesn't know is that not only will I be putting a tree up in our room . . . it's going to be a REAL tree for a change. We're just going to hide it around the side of the house until everyone goes to sleep, then we'll smuggle it in and set it up. Isn't it stupid to have to do that? It's not like I don't pay something for rent every month. But the woman is a control freak. It's one of the reasons I have such crappy self-esteem. But over time I have learned to be assertive except where it comes to a working environment. I get so panicked in those situations . . .

I have managed to get everything for Christmas - unless I get stuff for Jason and Susan. It's so sweet. Jason and Susan are getting me an MP3 player for christmas!! Yay! They are getting Cassie a digital camera that she wanted and getting Jordan one of the computer games he wanted and a CD that he wanted. But Jason was so sweet and found my Elmo and Patsy Christmas CD! I will finally have my other favorite Christmas album. My first is Merry Christmas from the Beach Boys.

But as another foul note, there was another incident with that bitch counselor at Cassie's grade school - Sherry Muldanado. I have finally had enough. I made many called today and either she gets transferred or fired or I want my daughter transferred to another school. And if it's not done, I am seriously thinking about getting a lawyer and sueing the school district for not doing anything about this woman and for all the crap she has put me and my daughter through. How the principal won't do anything about her . . . They know how I feel. I have made myself perfectly clear that I do not want my daughter sent to this woman under any circumstances. It's not like I haven't said something before and I was told that wouldn't happen . . . well, guess what happened yesterday??? So I am done sitting back and just letting things go. I know it's Christmas, but this woman has no business being a counselor. She's MEAN to kids (not just my daughter. I've witnessed her with other kids) and this is Elementary School! It's not Middle School. It's not High School . . . These are young kids!! So I am done playing games. I want her fired. It's as simple as that. At the very least, I'm lodging a formal complaint. One woman had the nerve to tell me that it would make it harder for the counselor to get another job . . . With what she's put me and my daughter though, I would care WHY??? She needs to find another job too. Something NOT involving kids. So we'll see what happens there.

But it brighter news, Jason and Susan are getting their tree tonight so the kids and I are going over to help decorate like we do every year! It's something the kids and I look forward to. And it will smell so good!! Nothing is like having a real tree . . . It's been hard having fakes ones for so long. I can't wait to have the real one in the bedroom. The room is going to smell like Christmas finally!! So at least in the Christmas tree news things are good! LOL! Now if everything else will fall into place.

'Tis the Season for Depression . . .

'Tis the Season for Depression . . .

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Have to schedule another therapy session

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Have to up my anti-depressant

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Forget trying to wrap the Christmas presents

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

Okay, I made that one up a couple of years ago. But the sentiment is kind of true. As much as I absolutely LOVE Christmas, I get very depressed this time of year. Unfortunately, I can't take anti-depressants to help because of my bipolar. Even with a mood stabilizer, I don't respond well to anti-depressants. They completely and totally wig me out. But it's hard to cope with the depression. It's like, I love Christmas movies, but they make me cry and I get depressed. I think maybe because my family has never had one of those "perfect" Christmases. Of course, you have to have a loving family first.

Don't get me wrong. My kids and I make one hell of a stellar family as far as I'm concerned. And with my other friends, we're a great family. We all love each other. But my friends have their own families and mine . . . I am the outsider looking in. I always was. We've never been close, but I don't think they're close with each other either. I used to think that maybe it was because they had grown up together - my mother being a single mother to my much-older siblings. You know, it gave them a special bond and for whatever reason I didn't measure up to that. It didn't help that even though they're all 20+ years old than me that they were jealous of me. My dad spoiled me. Their dad didn't. Not my fault. Then I heard rumors where I was my father's kid from one of his affairs. So I thought this was it. That they didn't love me because of that. Particularly my mother who I could never please (I still can't please her, but she isn't pleased by anyone except maybe her own children). So I thought that was my answer. But then when I was 28 I found out I was really adopted. 8 months after finding my birthmother, I found my birthfather. Turns out I was from an affair, but not my dad's affair.

But basically, we have never been this loving family where everyone cares and wants to make everyone else happy at Christmas. You know, I actually had to tell my mother a couple of years ago to stop giving me perfume and make-up. I never wore either. You'd think she'd notice since I live with her . . . I finally told her that if she really wanted to get me something I'd like to ask me what I wanted . . . I'd tell her a million different DVDs or books . . . music . . . So for the last couple of years I have picked out my own gift. But she's not really cared about what I might actually want since I was a teenager. Before that, it's pretty easy to pick out for kids. But even with my 17 year old son, I tell him to tell me what he wants or I tell them to write a list I can pick from. I mean, geez . . . I WANT them to have a good Christmas.

The funny thing is, this is the first Christmas in a long time that I am not completely stressing over yet. Usually my stress starts at the End of September and doesn't end until January. But I'm calm . . . just seriously depressed. Even now I just feel like crying and today I'm supposed to go out and do shopping. I have to do a lot of shopping - food, meds, Christmas . . . So much in so little time. And I do kind of look forward to it, but kind of dread it too. My money will be going very, very quickly. I just wish that I could have a Christmas where I was stressing out. Where I wasn't depressed. Where I just felt loved and happy . . . that my kids and I belonged somewhere. I keep telling myself that my kids and I have each other and that should be enough . . . but it's hard. I guess I always just wanted a real family . . . Something completely unattainable, of course. I wasn't raised in a real family. The closest thing I have to a real family are my friends, but they have families . . . Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if my dad were still alive. In fact, as much as I dreaded Christmas with the family, I always had my dad and he loved me. Sometimes I wondered, but he did. He loved me more than anyone else. He'd been the one that wanted to adopt me. My mother just adopted me because he wanted a baby. They got me at 2 days old.

I just feel alone. And having a boyfriend or husband doesn't help. I've pretty much always been alone. It's hard and I guess I feel it now more than any other time of the year.

But I will do the Christmas shopping, decorate our tree, maybe even bake some cookies . . . sing some carols, watch more Christmas movies, wrap gifts, fill stockings and in the end, I'll feel fine. I really do love Christmas. I love the lights, the smells . . . the cooler weather . . . I just feel so alone.

Getting to Know You - Again! LOL!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yeah, after myself!
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Today, really. I hate crying.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Not particularly
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Honey-baked Ham!!! Yes!
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yep! Jordan and Cassandra
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I'd like to think so! We'd both be pretty quirky!
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? LOL! Nope NEVER! :-P
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope! They are long gone!
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Uh, no . . .
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Depends on the day! Lately I have been into Rice Crispies.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I don't remember the last time I owned tie shoes . . . but even then I think the answer would have been no, if I could get away with that.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? I don't think so, but people keep telling me I am emotionally strong.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Phish Food and Moose Tracks
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Body Language. Smile. Eyes.
15. RED OR PINK? Pink
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My body, I guess.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? I think I miss my dad the most. And my niece coley. I would have liked another chance to try to help her.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Sure! But I don't hold my breath!
19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Gray and fuzzy!
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A piece of celery
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Some game my son is playing.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Purple
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Pumkin pie spice, baked goods, strawberries, vanilla, honeysuckle, gardenia, jasmine, pineapple, steak
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Jason
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Of course! She's my sister!
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? I really don't watch sports except on rare occasions or when someone else is watching them. Even then I'm usually doing something else. LOL!
27. HAIR COLOR? Dark brown with gray highlights.
28. EYE COLOR? Olive Green
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope, but I might one day!
30. FAVORITE FOOD? Steak, Mexican Food
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The Bourne Ultimatum
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Pink Nightgown
34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter
35. HUGS OR KISSES? Both from my kids
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? It varies with my mood. Chocolate and Berries is a good combo. So is Chocolate and Peanut butter . . . Eclairs? LOL! So many choices!
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND I won't even hazzard a guess now . . .
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Nicole since she sent it to me!
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Just finished "Gateway to Atlantis"
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Nothing. My mouse pad is invisible.
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? The First 48
42. FAVORITE SOUND? Outside of music? Hmmm . . . cat purring, rain . . .
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME??? England! And it still wasn't far enough! LOL!
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I don't know how special it is, but I write. That's my passion and I'm told I'm good at it!
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? La Mesa, CA
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING? Whoever actually replies!
48. WHO MADE THIS UP ANYWAY?!?!?!?!? Someone with a lot of time on their hands! LOL!

Holiday Cheer?

Well, I was kind of hoping that December was going to be a bit of a turn-around month. I think for me I might be okay - I hope. But now it seems that Jason and Susan are in a tight jam which upsets me for them. They are the best people in the world. They do so much for the kids and I . . . and now Jason lost his job. It was a stupid mistake that he made, but it was enough to get him fired. Just weeks before Christmas . . . Nice . . . I am hoping he can get another PBX operator position quickly. He's good at what he does and he was told they would give him a good reference. But as much as they've helped me, all I can think is, "This is how the universe repays them for all the good they do?" I don't know . . . Now it seems they're going to struggle with Christmas. Maybe I can help them a little . . . to make all of our Christmases better. Greg is apparently going to give me my $100 back and IF I get my usual $50 from Child Support that will be $150 more that I didn't have before. Maybe I can help with a tree if they can't get one. Or at least help with something . . . maybe our Christmas Eve. We'll work soemthing out. I know we will. And the kids will be understanding after all they've done for us. I just know how hard it's going to be for them. They have worked so hard to get where they were . . . But as Patty B. pointed out, maybe the universe has something better instore for them. I really, really hope so! They deserve all good things . . . I just wish I were in a better position. Maybe I will be. WIth their help - because they got me Writers Market 2009 - maybe I will be. Maybe the universe will grant me one wish and that I'll get my book published . . . I have to. It won't solve all problems, but it'll be a start for me and it will get me a little money and that maybe I can help them and help myself too. I just wish I could do so much more . . .

Anyway, I was planning what I was going to do for Christmas and when I got Greg's email about sending a $100 check to me . . . I thought . . . well, if I get it before Christmas it's all the more money I can use to get gifts and stuff. Of course, that depends if I get it before Christmas. I hope so . . . because now I really need it . . . to help Jason and Susan.

I guess I just have to pray for a miracle . . . and I am not much on praying to God. It's hard for me to believe to be honest. Not sure what I believe, but I think we all need a miracle for this season and this season is supposed to be the season of miracles, right?

Well, I have to pull myself together . . . Make plans . . . do what I can . . . This WILL be a good Christmas somehow! Jason will get a new job . . . I'll start sending out my book . . . Susan will get that promotion . . . It will be okay . . . It has to be.

Sometimes when you hear rain you get hail

I am just drained so this is really going to be a very, very short entry. I wanted to talk about yesterday's Thanksgiving with Jason and Susan . . . and I had other things happen today - issues with my Ex boyfriend, a teacher at jordan's school, and everyone at Cassie's school. It didn't help that I didn't even get 4 hours of sleep. So I need to run off to bed as soon as I can. But I am just having a bad night - emotionally. My "Aunt Flo" is trying to figure out if she's staying for going which always adds to that. But being tired, faced with a lot of challenges and some of them total bullshit ones . . . I guess I just need sleep. Maybe tomorrow will seem brighter if I could just get more sleep. We'll, see . . .