Such a Wonderful Month June - NOT!

Well, what can I say. This month has been full of a lot of ups and down. A lot of decisions too. Things have changed a lot since my last post two months ago - since it's almost July now. I suppose I can do a quick run through or at least try!

June isn't a good month for many reasons. There are a lot of reminders this month and it causes a lot of depression. My father's birthday is this month. Then Father's Day is this month too. As if that's not bad enough, the anniversary of the day my niece died is this month - on the 9th. I was hit by a really bad depression on the 12th. I didn't even realize what day it was (My father's bday is the 13th) until that Monday. It's a good thing I saw my pdoc on Wednesday because I knew at that point I needed help. My moods have been more unstable than I'd like and it's been going on for awhile. Anyway, he added Abilify and so far so good, but I go up in dosage tonight. Hopefully I'll still tolerate it and it will continue to help.

One of the bigger things to happen this month too was that I had to break up a friendship. It's sad, but Greg always wanted more and I couldn't give him that. He was always waiting in the wings, thinking I was going to change my mind. It's not something you turn on and off light a light switch. If it's not there, it's just not there! Anyway, when I had taken him back last December it was under the guidelines that we were friends. That we were NOT a couple. And that he needed to find other friends. I couldn't be his end all-be all. Guess what never happened and what I was? Plus, what it really came down to as well is that as sweet as he is he just wasn't reliable either! I knew he was having problems and I tried to be as nice about it as possible. But I got frustrated when he kept falling asleep on his feet. He would tell me what was causing it and then not go get help. And of course, he fell over - broke ribs - gave himself a concussion . . . FINALLY he got off the medication that was doing that to him. But it took him months. And of course, because of that he fell asleep a lot. Well, the thing is, if he needed rest that was FINE. But he'd tell me he could still do something - even though I could have gotten a ride or rescheduled things. But no . . . he just wouldn't show up! I'm sorry, but if you can't do something you say so! You don't just leave someone hanging and then later say, "I'm sorry. I fell asleep." After about 8 times in 14 days I'd had enough. Cassie got left at school, she had to find rides to school because he wouldn't show up. I missed a therapy appointment (though my therapist is a wonderful guy and actually did the session with me over the phone). But friends don't do that to friends! If you can't do something YOU SAY SO! And he wanted more? I mean, lets just say for argument's sake that I was interested in him for more. That would have been a HUGE problem. Another problem was that he was SOOOOOO needy! I mean, he just wanted to be around me every moment he could! He'd get upset if I didn't invite him over when Cassie was gone for the weekend! Sorry, but I do like time to myself! He just wanted to cling and cling and cling like a vine or a leech.

The real last straw for me was then he told me that he was sorry and tried to make it up to me - uh . . . there are some things you can NEVER make up for. The first thing that came to my mind was the fact that Cassie's graduation was coming up. If I missed that there would be NO WAY to make that up. Not EVER. So that was the last straw. I knew I couldn't rely on him and I NEED to be able to rely on my friends. They're the only people I have in my life that are truly there for me! My family never will be. And I try to do my best to be there for them too. Though it's harder now. . . Still, that's what friends do for each other! We're the real family and that's what families really do!

Anyway, I told Greg that what his needs were and my needs were just weren't compatible. I tried to be nice about it, but he just wouldn't take the hint. I stopped texting him. He would keep texting me. When he gave up on me he started texting Jason. I finally wrote a Text that was more on the mean side than I ever wanted to write and had Jason forward it. Greg got pissed and then the next day he's texting me again asking if we're friends! sigh . . . Some people just don't get it. AND he bought me a van . . . He's fixing it up and he still says he's going to give it to me anyway. That's great and all, but I won't have him thinking that's a way to get back with me. It isn't. I don't want him in my life! I want to be able to move forward. If I want to see guys I want to see them. I KNOW he won't like that, but that's what he's been told. That I want to see who I want to see, screw who I want to screw or whatever. Get a hint!! But he's still texting and now he's asking me why I hate him. It's frustrating because I know Jason forward another Text to him that said I don't hate him. I just can't have him in my life if I'm going to move forward. On top of that what we each want is different. He is just hopeless. I understand he's dealing with some serious abandonment issues, but then he needs to get help! He needs to work on himself and not try to cling onto something that's just not there. But it's just not getting through his head. And it's not like the kids were devistated either. I think they both wanted me to push him to the curb anyway. He let them down enough too. Well, more Cassie then Jordan. But they both saw how upset I got on a regular basis. Kids don't like to see their mom upset.

On a good note, my friend Brooke was able to take me to the Graduation and I got to see Cassie graduate from the 5the grade! She's not officially a 6th grader! Middle school next year! Yikes!! LOL! We swung by McDonald's for a celebratory lunch. I was going to buy for everyone, but she insisted on buying for her and the kids. She is such a sweet person! Then she took me to my pdoc appointment and my therapy appointment. And to throw in for fun, Cassie came down with some kind of rash. Still don't know what it was, but I was kind of freaking out and she was sweet enough to come get us and take us to Children's Urgent Care. I know when Brooke says she's going to do something, she does! Jason and Susan too! They have taken me shopping, helped me get my meds. I could not ask for better friends. I am truly blessed in that department. If I didn't have my friends I would be in very sorry shape. I don't even want to think about it. I might not have even made it long enough in my life to have kids. People can't go it alone without someone to be there for them . . . to listen to them . . . Sometimes just stand at their side.

What else can I say . . . I've been editing my Manuscript again. It's not exactly where I want it. It's just such a long arduous process . . . But I think it's actually turning out pretty good. My family will be pissed when it get published though! LOL!

And the best of all, I have a very, very special friend in Australia. So one of my goals is to get there and meet him in person. Even if it's just once! I also have another Friend in Australia. I'd love to meet him and his wife and a friend in New Zealand! LOL! Yeah, I know people everywhere it seems!

I've also been working on myself. I have actually lost some weight, though not sure how much. Still. I am moving better and my clothes are more loose. I have increased my water intake and tried to eat more regularly. I have also been doing stretching though I am hit and miss with it. I have to get a bit more regular. But I really think, for the first time in I don't know how long, I am really trying to work on myself physically. I'm trying to take care of myself and I'm happy about it I think. It makes me feel good about myself and I haven't felt that in a long time. Though I'd still way over critical. I pick apart everything about my looks. Ron and a few other friends really do tell me how much they think I'm gorgeous! LOL! Part of me wants to believe it and I actually like some of my pix now. Just not many of them! I still see someone the size of a house! But that's changing! Like the jeans I put on today. Usually they do slide after a bit. But these started sliding almost immediately. It's funny to have my jeans trying to slide off as soon as I stand up! LOL! Guess that's progress!

OH!! AND JORDAN GOT TO GO TO THE PROM WITH ALICIA!!! They looked so good! Wish my scanner was working. I had a lot of photos I want to scan. But they had a blast together! It was one of the best nights of his life and I'm sure it was for Alicia too!

Anyway, lots of ups and downs - more crap with my mother of course - but I'm doing okay. Hopefully with the new meds I'll continue to be okay if not better! I am hoping that even with the down days that life will continue to look more up than down.