Well, the sudden depression is crippling. I hate it. It's taken away my ability to concentrate. I wanted to do some writing, but I just don't know if I have the energy or the thought processes to do it. I am just so hurt. Cassie just doesn't want to be with me. Regardless how she puts it, that's the case. I could live on my own and it would be the same. She wouldn't want to be with me. It's just how it is and I'm just going to have to deal with it. But knowing that she doesn't even want to spend the little bit of time with me that I had set aside hurts really, really bad. What did I do wrong? Did I give her too much freedom? Did I not love her enough? Maybe it's just that I can't buy her off. Jason and Susan can get her everything she wants just about and I can't. I cried for a hour or so last night. Tonight I guess I'm still crying. At least while I write this. My eyes are tearing up and I can't really seem to stop it. It might have hurt less had she shoved a knife into my heart. I just don't know if I can cope with this this time around. I'm not sure I can see her and then just watch her leave without crying. Maybe I just shouldn't see any of them for awhile. Not sure I can do that either. But I don't see any way I'm going to stop hurting. I'm just nothing in the world to her and I don't think I can get over that. I'm her mother. I should matter. I know she's a teenager, but I thought we were always close. I thought she'd want to be near me a little bit, but nope. Not at all. Okay, maybe I need to stop writing about this. I just keep crying more and I don't want anyone to see me crying. I don't want any one asking me questions, especially my mom.
Wow, I dried my eyes just in time. My mom walked in wanting paper. I told her Cassie wasn't coming home tonight. You know, she started this last night when she told her to ask me. It's HER that wants Cassie her. It's up to HER. If she had just said yes she needs to come back this wouldn't have even been an issue and if this blows up into crap for me, I might just take myself out of the picture - go into a hospital somewhere. I don't know. I just feel like so much crap is coming and I am not strong enough to deal with more shit. If my mom starts in on me I'll be the one in the fucking middle again and I just can't deal with that again. I can't.
Anyway, I might try to write a little bit anyway, but I'm not sure my mind will work the way it's supposed to. Then again, I guess the important thing is I've written. I just don't want to write crap. I also have to convince myself to do it. At least I got the tears cleared up for now.
Right now, I'm watching "Mythbusters" as it rains outside. There's a new "Mythbusters" tonight, but new "Ghost Hunters" too. Think I'll probably watch "Ghost Hunters." Wish I could take a handful of ativan and just go to sleep. But that's not going to happen. Things were going so well there for awhile. Now it's all back to being shit. Oh well. I won't force her to come back unless my mom threatens to kick me out again. I don't want her here if she doesn't want to be near me.
Okay, enough of the pity party for the time being. I'm either going to go to sleep, or try to write. Guess we'll see which one.
No comments:
Post a Comment