You know, I thought today was a good day. It felt like a pretty decent day for the most part. I woke up and got Cassie to school. I was exhausted though because I didn't sleep well last night so when I got home I went back to sleep - I didn't make Cassie's bed or anything. My mom got irritated though because I slept. But anyway, I woke up in time to get dressed and get Cassie. But my mom wanted me to go to the pharmacy and the store for her so I talk Jordan into going with me. He wanted to put his $20 down on his game for next month anyway and I told him we'd do that while we were out.
Well, we went and picked up Cassie. From there we went to the pharmacy and Vons. Jordan went into CVS while Cassie and I went into Vons to get what my mom wanted. I was able to get everything and have change. What was funny was Jordan came up behind us and scared the crap out of Cassie. Personally, I thought they were getting along okay. Guess not. Anyway, as soon as we get home, Susan was there to take Cassie. I said good bye and I didn't realize it was good-bye.
Going into the house my mom was upset about Cassie's clothes on the floor and the bed being unmade so I took care of that. Then I started prepping for hamburgers. My mom was going to cook them, but I prepped the pickles, onions, tomatoes and cheese. Dinner was good. Then I took Jordan and I to McDonald's. I got him a Rolo McFlurry and I got me a caramel sundae and Diet Dr. Pepper. It was good. When we got home, I was exhausted so I went to lay down for a bit. Then I get this message from Jason saying Cassie wants to stay with them. Well, I didn't want shit from my mom. But she said ask me and Cassie was so mean. She really hurt me. And she let me know she didn't want to be with me. She says she loves me, but if she did then why would she complain about the little time I had her here? It wasn't like she was spending tons of time here or anything. Anyway, first Jason was a fucking ass to me. Then I had to deal with Cassie. Then I was just crushed over this. She just doesn't want to be with me. It doesn't matter how she tries to say it's not that, but if she loved me and wanted to spend time with me she would take the time I had set up. She doesn't care. She doesn't. I should just accept that fact and move on. She doesn't want me to be her mother. She doesn't want me in her life except when SHE wants me. I feel discarded. Then Jason is like "We don't want you to feel like we're taking her from you." To be honest, I don't know how I feel about them where this is concerned. They could have tried to talk to her about being with me and I doubt they did. They just wanted her back and now they have her back and I'm left alone again. It just hurts. It hurts so bad. I don't know how to deal with it this time. I can't get past the pain. I hurt so bad I'm not sure I want to see them at all. But tomorrow I'm supposed to pick up Jason because Susan is taking Cassie to get her cavities fixed. I don't know. I just feel like I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. I actually have thought about cutting. I mean, honestly who cares. Okay, that's not fair. Jordan cares. Maybe they care about it, but you know, I don't. I just hurt so bad, what am I supposed to do? I wish I could just disappear. Or numb out. Well, no, not numb out. That would take away the last thing that really matters to me. My Writing.
You know, I love Jordan so much too, but he's almost 20 years old. He's an adult. This is when he's supposed to go his own way. He doesn't and I love having him around, but Cassie was kind of like my best friend and she was definitely my baby girl. Maybe I am just a horrible parent and it serves me right to be going through this. I don't know anymore. I just hate it. These are the times I wish I were dead just so I wouldn't have to feel this and it feels like it's going to last forever.
I have to try not to think about it. I'm going to see about getting back to my writing tomorrow. I have to do something different. But if Jason thinks he's going to have someone that's great to be around tomorrow, I don't think it's going to happen. I need to start writing tomorrow. I need to do something with writing. Pour my heart and soul into that. At least that can't hurt me like this. I control the story. I control what happens. I can maybe loose myself in the story for awhile.
You know what really sucks? Yesterday I was so happy and excited and now I feel like I am in the depths of hell, crying my eyes out and in so much pain I can barely deal with it. Maybe I just need to take a handful of ativan and go to sleep. I am emotionally exhausted. I went from loving life to hating it in the matter of 24 hours or less. Great, huh? I hate things right now. I hate it! Hate it! Hate it. Part of me wishes I was were dead.
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