Right now I feel like crap. I am definitely in a depression made worse by Jason and then talking to Cassie. I hate my life. I hate that I said yes to her going over there to begin with now that I need her to come home - my home. She doesn't consider here home. I suppose with my mom that's true. I didn't feel connected here either. Her only equation for love is to DO things like clean house. God, if you clean house you're the most wonderful, perfect person in the world. Me, I'm scum and so are my kids. I don't want to rip Cassie away from Jason and Susan, but I just don't have a choice. I am not going to get kicked out. I'd rather kill myself first.
I don't know. I just hate my life. I hate how I feel. I did take a shower today which was the first time in a week and a half, I think. I just have been depressed for awhile, I guess, with Diana here. But then Jason just had to start today about Cassie coming back to live with me and how she didn't want to and stuff. I literally told her that I loved her and hung up. There was nothing I could say to make it better.
I just wish I could die. I mean, I don't want to, but I do want to. I mean, is my life really worth living? I suppose I have fucked up all the way around. As much as I didn't want it, my kids are as screwed up as I am. Under-acheivers because of me. I just wanted a better life for Cassie and now I'm forced to make her give it up and come back with me. She's promised to make my life hell which I don't think I can handle. She says she doesn't hate me, but I don't believe it. She hates Grandma, but she must hate me too.
I want to go to the hospital, but I don't want to go. I have that addiction to nose spray. I don't as I want to go to a Crisis House, not that it's not warranted and not that it's not a good thing. I don't know if I'd be out before school started. Why should it matter, I guess. I was actually kind of looking forward to her coming back for awhile - a chance to correct some of the things I'd done wrong the first time around. But she's not open to it. I should have realized though she seemed okay with it before her concert. I guess it was okay when it didn't seem real. And if she wants to be pissed off let her be pissed off with her father. If he hadn't called trying to get my ass thrown in jail then she would still be able to stay with Jason and Susan. This isn't my fault. But I feel like it's my fault.
I am so tired too. I slept like crap last night and this morning. I had a hard time breathing. My nose wanted to stay closed up. It was awful. I just can't be without my nose spray. That's sad, isn't it? I won't get help because of nose spray. I should just get the help. It's more important that mentally I'm stable, but I'm not going to unless I feel worse tomorrow. Then maybe I'll go to the ER. I've already cut up my left forearm a bit. I still want to cut more. I want to keep cutting . . . It's like a toothache. That's the best that I can explain it.
I have Karissa I have to think about too. I know my mom and Jordan will take care of her. But I'll miss her if I have to go.
I'm tired. Think I'll take my meds and try to get some sleep. Or else I'll cut more. Or I'll try to chill out to "Haven." I think I'll take my meds and chill out and watch "Haven" and then go to sleep.
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