It's still been kind of a rough day, but the kind I can pretty much handle. No big emotional stressors. I was tired though, not sleeping well last night and Jason woke me up at noon. It was probably a good thing. I didn't sleep until 4:00pm. And it was nice of Jason to come over and try to cheer me up. It did help. I did end up taking a little nap though. Of course, my mom is pissed with me because I have my car registration due. I didn't tell her earlier when it would have been about $30 cheaper. Plus I didn't realize that it also needs to be smogged. Ugh!! So she bitched me out well. Not like I don't understand. It's like $150 that neither of us really have. It sucks. So there's more pressure. She's going to make me sign a promisary note. Like that's going to get her paid back. Well, if I sold a book I could pay her back maybe. But not with the way things are. I barely get enough to give her freaken $300 a month. It's not much but when you're only getting $500 its a lot of money. I wish I had money. I have thought about trying to get a job, but I just can't. I can't get past the panic and anxiety. I do hate being broke. I need to get my ass moving and try to do something with my book. Just edit it and get it going. I just wish I emotionally felt better. It would probably help me.
Anyway, I made dinner tonight. I should have asked my mom if she wanted me to make her something, but I didn't. I was still tired from the nap I'd taken and all I wanted to do was cook and eat. I hadn't eaten at all at that point. I suppose she was upset about that too considering how often she cooks for us. I guess I've just been so self-involved because of the depression and stuff.
Jason saw the cuts on my arm today too. I did a good job of hiding them until I went outside to fill out the money order. They were nice enough to send off my car insurance for me today. But I had to turn my left arm toward them . . . he asked if I was cutting myself and I just told him I wasn't answering that. I mean, it was plainly visible anyway. He texted me a bit later and said "No more cutting" but I can't say yes or no. The feeling is less now. It was still bad last night, but I didn't cut. And I feel better today so maybe that's a good thing. I also got back on Cafemom and posted a bunch of stuff on "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" which was a good thing. I lost another member, but oh well. Not like anyone participates other than me usually. Maybe tomorrow I'll start checking in with my other groups again. And I should go back to writing one way or another. Hopefully tomorrow I'll feel even better.
During dinner Jordan and I watched this show called "Deadliest Warrior" but this episode was about dictatorships - Suddam Houssein or however it was spelled versus Camron Rouge (Cambodian wacko leader Pod pat or whatever the hell his name was and whatever his people called themselves). In the end Houssein won.
Awhile later I took Jordan to McDonald's and we got ice cream and sodas. I told my mom that we were going to pick up medication. At least it got me out of the house for awhile. When we came back the watched the end of "River Monsters" about eels in New Zealand. I'd seen it before. Good episode. I also got to see "Leverage" which was great. They helped get back a stolen heart at an airport with just about no equipment. They took down a bad guy and saved a 15 year old boy. After that I watched "The Glades" and Jim had to track down the killer where there was a bikini clad bartender and an easy going bar owner. A surfer boyfriend too . . . turned out the killer was one of them, but had previously been a jewel theif and had killed the guy because he'd gotten suspicious. Oh, and Callie finally filed for divorce. Good episode! Now I'm watching "Criminal Minds" which are about The Reaper - C. Thomas Howell.
Anyway, I am getting tired. I need to take my medication. I'm kinda hungry too. But I think I might sleep earlier than I have been lately.
I'm just glad I'm feeling a bit better today. Of course, I have still been having massive panic attacks which really sucks, but it's better than being self-destructive.
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