Rough Day

You know, the started nice enough. Of course, I slept until 2:00pm. I could have slept longer, but I decided not to. I went to check on Jordan and he was sleeping. That made it easy to get the computer. I wanted to use it to actually do some writing. Which I did. My story about Michael from SGA was actually going on VERY well when Cassie and Jason start hated shit with me. And Jason - one moment he's saying he understands and that Cassie has to come home and the next he's yelling at me because Cassie has to come back home. I understand that he's stressed that she's crying all the time and I hate it too, but he has NO RIGHT to tell me that I don't care about her. What an asshole. He eventually called and said he was sorry, but the whole message sounded like an empty apology. I don't think I can accept it. I love him like family, but I'm not sure I can forgive him for that. I certainly won't tell him how I'm really feeling. It's not worth it. I just don't need him making me feel MORE unstable than I have been. But he really just went off on me. I went off on him and then he accuses me of not caring about Cassie. That was a low blow. A VERY low blow. Considering I let them have her when I didn't even want to let her go, but I thought it would be better for her and he has the nerve to say THAT to ME?? What an asshole. I don't want to talk to him for awhile.

Anyway, I freaked out, kind of. Started crying. I cried for like an hour. All I could think of was killing myself. It's all I wanted and the only way I could see myself getting out of this position. I have just been so stressed out. People just don't seem to get the fact that I'm in the middle and dealing with stress from all sides. I mean, how much am I supposed to handle before I break? I even tried to start writing a suicide note. A lot of times it will calm me down and I'll be okay, but in this case I just started crying more. I finally just decided I needed extra help. I packed up my stuff and told my mom and Jordan that I was going to the ER. My mom asked why - so did Jordan - and my ability not to tell was not working. I spilled how upset I was and that Cassie hates me and Jason told me I didn't care about her. She tried to tell me that Cassie loves me and that I'm the mom the same old bullshit. Same stuff that's stressing me out. And Jordan is pretty upset with Jason too. He's talking about giving Jason and Cassie a piece of his mind. That they shouldn't treat someone like me like that. I mean, I guess he sees me as fragile and sometimes I think I am VERY fragile. But it's nice to know that he loves me so much that he stands up for me the way he does. However, I don't want even more trouble.

So I went to the ER. My chest started hurting too and I had trouble breathing a little. Turned out it was a panic attack, but I got a lot of tests to test my heart. But I told them I was suicidal. And I was at the time, but as time went on, I began to relax. When I saw the Mental Health or Psych Liasion we talked and turned out that I would have been sent to another hospital because there were no beds available. That it would really be up to me, but that I should think about whether I wanted to be admitted somewhere. Well, the longer I was there, the more calm I got. I also checked my phone finally and I got that message from Jason about being sorry without really meaning it, I don't personally think. But it did help to know there weren't going to be anymore nasty-grams or anything.

Anyway, on the way home I stopped and got something to eat at Jack-in-the-Box. Usually I would have gone to McDonald's, but I wanted a big cheese burger and an egg roll. I also ended up getting a funnel cake for a buck. After I ate, I finally came home. I had to run to the bathroom! LOL! I'd been holding it for awhile. I tried to tell my mom that I was home, but her door was locked. I did tell Jordan. He was glad I was home. Especially because I brought the computer back home! LOL! Though he hasn't had it yet. I needed to write this first.

Well, I guess that's it. I am feeling better, though I can still feel that anxiety going on in my chest. I am still not feeling great. I am still upset over what Jason said and the position I'm in, but I can live with it for now. Now I think I'm going to take Jordan to McDonald's to get a soda and to get us ice cream. Yum. Then I'll take my meds and go to sleep.