Emotional Swinging

Today started off okay and most of the day was okay but this evening has been a bit of a downer. My mom is still not happy with me, but she gave me the money to get the car smog checked - which ended up being $35.95 which is the best, most awesome price!! She also wrote a check to pay for my car registration. She still wants me to pay the extra $10 a month, but I guess I can deal with it. I have to be careful, but somehow I think I can make it and still get DVDs. I just have to be very careful with the money and I have to make sure I can still get things for the kids. I don't know what I'm going to do about their birthdays and Christmas. I'm going to TRY to get Jordan that video game he wants - Skyrim or Sky Rim. It comes out in November. If I can I'll try to pay some in October and the rest in November or try to pay some in September and October and November. That could work. I just have to see what I have left after I get everything that Cassie needs for school and stuff. I want to try to get "Dexter - Season 5" too. Somehow I'll make it work. 

The Smog check didn't take that long. In fact,  I had about four or five pages read when he finished. "The Sheik and the Christmas Bride" is pretty good though it's just at the beginning of the book. I skimmed it a long time ago, but it's good to be reading it through. I still have to finish "Passion" too but I'm taking my time with it, I guess. It's a good book and I get sucked in when I start reading it. I'm just not pushing to finish it quick. It's going to be a year for the last book anyway. Speaking of books I do still need to get back to mine, but I feel emotionally so drained all the time - tired and drained. I feel like I wouldn't do justice with the edits to the story. But eventually I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and just do it, you know? And I want to write more fantasy stories. The one with Michael is so hard though! I kind of want to write another 007 story! LOL! I could make it more interesting. But we'll see.

Jason and Susan brought over their kitties. Jordan and I had gone to Walmart to get a couple of litter boxes because we couldn't find the ones they had left here last time. Apparently they found one litter box. I didn't take my phone with me because I didn't have pockets in my pants. I wish I would have grabbed it. I could have told them I was getting the litter boxes and that they could get litter. Ugh . . . Ah well. Got Jordan and I out of the house and away from my mom for awhile.

On the way there we grabbed sodas from McDonald's, got refills at Walmart, got some goodies and walked around for a bit. Even went upstairs to Electronics to look in the $5 DVD bin. But there wasn't anything I wanted. I did find a movie I wanted, but I decided to hold onto the $20. I had said that if I still had it on my birthday I would go back and get "The Mechanic." Of course, that depends on Jason and Susan. I don't know if they got $40 or $60 worth of groceries. Because if it was only $40 then this $20 has to got for fuel. If it's the other then they should be giving me another $20. I just don't know and don't feel like asking. But I would REALLY like to get "The Mechanic."

Anyway, I found out after I got home that my mom had made Cassie cry. Of course, Susan tried pulling a mom move and that didn't go over so well with Grandma. My mom got pissed. Flat out told them that Cassie was never living over there again. Cassie is devistated and angry. I knew she was. But then Jason just has to RUB IT IN! First he started shit about how basically it's my fault because I'm on Welfare. The HE can't have her because I'm not independent. Like she is HIS. I mean, he IS the closest thing she's had to a real father, but still!! That was NOT superceed ME! I was trying to do what was best for her. But I can't go to jail! If it hadn't been for her fucking father things would be fine. But I can't STAND the fact that Jason just RUBS IT IN  MY FACE HOW UPSET CASSIE IS - Like I DON'T KNOW THIS?? He claims to not want me on the fucking streets, but I'm sure he wouldn't really mind as long as he got Cassie. I am just angry and really hurt. He always says he's sorry or he didn't mean it or didn't mean it that way, but that's him back-tracking from what his original thought was. He just realized it might have hurt me and THEN he's sorry. Was there any real thought about how hard it was for me to give Cassie up? Was there ever any caring there? Really?? And now my daughter is going to treat me like she hates me because of all of this. I hate John. I fucking hate him and I HATE how Jason treats me sometimes. He can be so thoughtless with his words. Then he tells me they don't feel like they can talk to me because I can't cope with it. Well, what GOOD could they want to talk to me about. The only things they could possibly say to me is how awful I am and that I should sacrifice the roof over my head or my ability to live so THEY can have her. How is that productive?? They just want to make me feel awful. They say they don't want me to kill myself, but once I get that Will written and notorized then maybe they'll get what they want. It's not like I don't have a plan. I have ALWAYS had a plan and it's changed only a little over the years. Part of me wants to live long enough to see Cassie get married and to have kids - same with Jordan, but there's part of me that just doesn't want to keep going on with my loser life.

Anyway, I got depressed tonight all over again. I guess I was more angry than I thought too. I don't feel completely suicidal or anything, but it hurts and I would rather not have to live with the pain of now or what's going to happen in a couple of weeks. I suppose part of me wonders if I'll make it to Christmas.

I know one moment I'm planning for the future and the next I'm planning the end. It's all about pain and mood swings, which go hand in hand. It sucks but that's it.

I did distract myself for awhile. I watched episodes of "Eureka" that I missed and the new one that was tonight. I also watched "The Closer" which was a great episode. This detective from Arizona asking for Major Crimes to look into her daughter's death. It was made to look like an overdose, but it was murder. It was a good story. Then I watched "Rizzoli & Isles" which was great too! Someone was killing Witches just like they were killed in Salem back in the 1600's. It's sad. It was a girl with Schizophrenia. I do like my shows.

Anyway, I need to take my meds. I am tired. Don't know if I'll sleep soon, but I can hope. I can cuddle with Karissa and if I'm lucky I will relax enough to sleep. I didn't take to Jason again tonight. I guess I'll talk to him tomorrow. I should call Rick too. I haven't talked to him in several days. Of course, he might be with his other lover. LOL! Ah well! He will also have his son this week so I don't know as if we'll get together, but you never know. But now it's time to try to go to sleep.