Depressed and Tired

I'm tired. I'm very tired, but I doubt I'll sleep and as soon as I lay down my head will start in anyway about how I am a screw up. Reminding me of all the ways I have managed to fuck up. I didn't wake up today until 4:00pm and I just felt so rundown. Last night I cut up my forearm. I got one deep enough to bleed down my arm a bit. Strangely comforting. I wasn't thinking much about them tonight and Jordan and I went to the store, but he saw them as we were leaving. He got upset. I guess he worries about me. Told me I needed to talk to someone when I feel that way, but I just couldn't even verbalize it last night or even today. Jason tried reaching me most of the day. Grant you, I had been sleeping, but I ignored a couple of his calls because I just didn't know what to say because I am just so upset.

Eventually he called my mom who told me to call him. I waited a few minutes, but I finally called. I didn't say much. He just said he was over yesterday and that even Cassie wasn't mad. That things were going to be okay, but they're not. They're not ever going to be okay again. And I thought with her coming home maybe I could correct some of the things I had done wrong before, but I don't think she's even going to let me try. Even if she doesn't hate me, she will. Even though I'm trying to do what's right it won't ever be right and it will never be enough.

I want to go back to sleep. I do. I watched hours of "Cupcake Wars" which distracted me for awhile. My mom made dinner. I got salmon which was great. But the depression is taking me over. I feel like crap.

My mom went to bed early so I decided I was going to go get cakes. Or rather a cake. I got Jordan and we went to Vons.  I was right about the Boston Cream pies being $5 yesterday.  But I got one today anyway. Two dollars more. I've already eaten almost all of it all by myself. I guess I'm stuffing my feelings with food. I mean, whatelse do I do, right? I really do hate myself and my life. I can't honestly say, that I wouldn't kill myself if I had that Will written out. I need to make sure Cassie doesn't end up with her father. That's the only thing I care about. But the pain is so strong. Yesterday was one of the worst days. Today wasn't horrible, but the feelings haven't changed much.

I'm tired. I want to sleep. I don't know if I can, but I want to. I want to forget about everything for awhile. Though I was thinking about killing myself so much last night that I dreamed that I was going to die - that someone was going to put me to death. Not like I was a criminal. I didn't feel persecuted or anything in the dream. I was just ready to die, I guess. But I don't think I've ever dreamed about being put to death - It was going to be lethal injection or something that it wasn't even going to hurt. I'd just go to sleep and that would be it. Doesn't sound half bad.

Anyway, that's it. All the rambling I want to do. I kind of want to cut more and I kind of don't. I guess I'll decide once I lay down. I just hope to God I sleep.