I'm so emotional right now. I feel like it's bad PMS or something, but I don't think that's it. Maybe it's because I took too much ativan last night and the fact that Cassie's coming home soon. That I don't know when Jason's going to go off on me again. I honestly don't think it's an if. I think it's a when. And it kills me because we're family. Then I also know my mom is going to flip out every time she goes over there. And I'm stuck in the middle. I am depressed and all I want to do is cry. I'm also tired. I slept late, but my mom woke me up and I was still very tired - too much ativan. Maybe it's worse because I'm still tired. All I know is that this sucks. I feel like there is a shit storm coming and I'm going to be in the fucking middle of it. I'm afraid of it literally destroying me. Plus, I just think of how I am failure as a parent. The kinds of things that have been said to me over the years by family mostly, but recently with Jason. He always says he's sorry, but I just don't know whether to believe the apologies. I'm more in the camp that the more pissed off you are, the more likely you are to tell the truth. Not that I would say that aloud. But I think it's the truth for most of us. Anyway, I just feel crushed at the moment. And I want a new start with Cassie. I want to try to be a good mom and I'm not sure she'll give me a chance. I feel like I've lost her when I haven't. I know I haven't, but it's just how I'm feeling. And here comes the tears. I never wanted Cassie in this position. I had not planned on Taking Cassie back from them for her sake. I just feel like because I'm worried about a place to live and keeping my medical that I'm a bad person. That I don't care about Cassie. Jason has said that to me numerous times so far. I just don't think I can handle hearing it again.
Anyway, my mom woke me up because she had some bills she had to send off to pay. So I forced myself to perk up. I got dressed, got my coffee and then her and I went to the Post Office. After that she wanted to do some shopping at Albertson's. I stayed in the car reading "The Sheik and the Christmas Bride." Then she wanted to go to the 99 Cent store. Again I stayed in the car to read.
By the time I came home, I knew I was over emotional. I could feel it. I went to my room and watched some "Iron Chef America" though I didn't see who won. When my mom said dinner was ready. She made hamburgers. They were good! After eating I kind of laid down for awhile. But the "Restaurant: Impossible" that was one was one I'd seen. So I thought about getting some printer paper. Plus I would get me out of the house. I wanted Jordan to come with me, but he wouldn't. Turned out to be a good thing. I went to Walmart and went to the stationary where they keep the printer/copier paper. I grabbed a good one and I could have just left, but I decided not to. I looked at the pens and got myself some new ones. I believe I needed new ones - especially in other colors - purple and blue. I have plenty of pink. LOL! Then I went upstairs to look at the movies. I figured I could get away with a $10 movie. But nothing really stuck out to me. Then I went to the $5 bin and I found "Police Academy" and I did like that movie. Then I decided to look at the CDs. There was one I would have liked, but I wanted a different song that wasn't on the disk. But that put me over by the books so I thought I'd see if there was "Cowboys & Aliens" and sure enough they had it so I bought it. The only other thing I got was Reese's sticks.
I really am happy with my purchases. I think I made wise choices, though I probably shouldn't have spent the money. But you know, I feel a hell of a lot better than I did before I left. Sometimes retail therapy can help.
Anyway, I'm chilling out, watching "Finding Bigfoot" and will probably take my meds and try to sleep. That and take some advil for a headache that started while I was in line at Walmart. Might kind of be from my congestion and the stress I feel.
Well, that's it for now.
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