I can't believe I just forgot to write my journal entry. I wasn't too tired or asleep. Nope. I was distracted! Then I remembered when I was laying down trying to sleep. Of course, my mind just won't shut off. It's awful. And a lot of it is me worrying about the night I take Cassie home. Will Jason flip out and get all nasty. Then he wants her over every night for dinner. I understand where he's coming from and Susan would be doing most of the driving, but I can just hear my mom bitch, bitch, bitch. It really has me to the point of tears. I just can't take the not knowing how everyone will react. I'm pretty sure I'm right about how everyone is going to act and it's just going to flip me out. My chest hurts. I have a headache. I feel like I want to cry. It sucks hardcore. I just can't take Jason being nasty to me just because he's in a bad mood. I just feel like I'm dying inside from the pain. And there's nothing I can do about it.
Outside of that, today was pretty good. I got up around 1:00pm give or take 30 minutes. I got dressed and headed to the bank. I was checking if my money had come in and it had! Yay!! I put aside money for rent and fuel and then headed to Walmart - after I got a soda from McDonald's. What was also cool was the fact that I had a list of exactly what I needed and the approximate price and I was pretty much dead on with everything. AND I was able to get a new printer! It's awesome and it prints pretty good! I'm happy with it. However, I thought I had computer paper and it turns out I had very little so I need to go buy some.
I was also able to get "Dexter: Season 5" so I started watching Season 4. I don't know why I haven't watched it before now and this season is so good! I can't wait to see how good season 5 is going to be. And John Lithgow is a wonderful bad guy they call Trinity because he kills in threes. I'm happy I was able to get it. hopefully next month I can get "Leverage: Season 3" but I don't know yet. Money is going to be really tight again. Of course, it always is. Somehow I'll make it work.
I also got Susan a Bday card. I thought it was sweet. Then I also got nose spray, vitamins, Cassie's school supplies or at least what I think she might need and Jordan's Microsoft Points. Regardless what my mother says I think Jordan deserves a bit of a perk once a month. Next month is going to be $30 though so it's going to make things really tight. It's so he can put money down on this game he wants which is coming out on Cassie's bday. It's called "Sky Rim." It's going to be for his bday. It's what he wants and I want to do that for him.
You know, I just want to be a good mom and I just don't know if I can be. I'm so fat so my energy only goes so far. I can't walk very far. I don't have a lot of money. How can I compete with Jason and Susan? Not that it's a contest or anything. I just feel like I'm a failure. Then worrying about Jason and my mom . . . I really feel like cutting tonight, but I won't. I hate when the blade calls out to me like this. That, too, sucks.
I didn't get to my three chapters today on my book. Of course, I was shopping and generally distracted today so I need to get my ass in gear tomorrow. I want to get it done and work on my Query Letter. Of course, all my old fears are coming back. That my work isn't good enough. That there's too much talking and not showing. I don't know. But if I don't try I'll never get anywhere. So I just have to keep going. And who knows, maybe I'll get lucky! Plus Psychics seem to agree that I'll find success, but that it's going to be a long road. THAT part sucks. But I must move forward. I was meant to be a writer.
I'm proud of myself though! I set up the printer all by myself. Usually I would have had someone else do it for fear that I would do it wrong, but instead, I bit the bullet and did it myself! And since it works YAY!! I did it right!!
I also got Karissa's flea stuff. She HATES it when I put it on her, but she definitely needs it. I don't think it lasts for the whole month though because by the end of the month she's scratching herself raw. There are scabs all over her and I hate that. I want to keep her as flea free as possible. You know what's crazy? The fleas leave me alone. I don't know why, though I am thankful for that. It's just odd. Then again, I'm an odd person.
I'm also proud of the fact that I have enough money for Cassie's backpack! I know she'll be happy and I just want her to be happy. I hope she knows that.
Anyway, I guess that's it really. Jason texted and asked if I was mad at him. I told him no and that I thought he was mad at me. At least most of the time. He said he wasn't. I don't know. It's just hard. But that's it. I think I'm going to go take some advil for my muscle aches in my arms and the crazy pain in my right knee. I took 3 ativan so I hope I get to sleep. I shouldn't have taken so much, but I really want to sleep. My mind just needs to SHUT UP!! Ugh.
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