Today hasn't been a bad day, but it hasn't exactly been a great day either. I woke up to phone calls. Greg's Dad died this morning at 5:44am. Greg said he was doing okay. He had already cried so much he just couldn't cry anymore. I felt really bad for him. I let him talk and I tried to distract him with part of a crazy dream I had. It was really kind of scary. I was by a lake or something with a group of people. The leader was saying how it was important NOT to go into the water. At that point a person or two fell in and were immediately attacked. Suddenly I was under the water with a boy - maybe teen/young adult - and we were at the bottom of the lake (almost like the bottom of a pool) and he was thrashing around. I kept telling him to stay still as we watched the sharks. Then they started coming toward us. I told him to stay still again and finally he stopped thrashing his legs around, but the sharks were alrady coming toward us and I was just praying that they couldn't see us once we went still. I woke up before I could find out. Then there was another strange little dream where I was able to do magic. I took a rock and changed something on it. The magic was new to me. Then I moved my hand over it and created a flower on the rock. It looked like a frosting flower. Then after I got off the phone with Greg, I ended up going back to sleep and had another dream. I was making out with some guy and we were in a room that looked into a classroom. We were only separated by a bit of wall and a sheer red curtain. We're just about to have sex when it dawns on me where we are and I was like, "We can't. Not here." And I started getting dressed again. I suppose it's no wonder I woke up tired. Too much dreaming.
Once I woke up I got some coffee, chatted with my mom for awhile and then watched some TV while creating a profile on Spiritual Networks. Not sure why I did, except that Denise has a site there and it looked interesting enough, though not very busy. It did keep me busy before I headed out to take a shower. I had Therapy today and definitely needed the shower and a change of clean clothes. On the way to therapy I stopped at McDonald's for a diet Dr. Pepper. I knew I needed this therapy appointment because even though I have been okay and mostly even-keeled, there was this feeling of deep unrest inside me. Like there was some darkness coming. No matter how I try to keep from being negative or depressing I can't seem to stay positive for long. So even though I really am okay at the moment and the day has been okay, I feel like this darkness is just under the surface. I've also been acutely aware of changes in mood of those around me. It's unsettling. Before my appointment with my therapist there was a couple there talking about who I assume was their daughter. They were talking about her grades and if she didn't pull them up something or other she wanted was going to be a no. For some reason it set off a panic attack. It didn't last long, but it was enough to get my heart going good and for me to feel a little breathless. I'm not even sure what it was about the conversation that set me off.
I talked to my therapist about things going on and about this darkness. I also talked about how some things were a little stressing just because I was nuts. I did a tarot reading for the year for myself and the Tower came up in May with Wheel of Fortune and 3 of Wands. I don't usually put much stock in stuff like this, because I always feel strange doing readings for myself. But I did predict when I was going to get pregnant with my daughter so . . . Of course, on the flip side of that October is supposed to be stellar!! Anyway, I just keep thinking what could go wrong. Then my mother has still been on my ass to get Cassie home for a couple of days, like that's going to make any kind of difference. I know she's worried about me possibly getting in trouble with Welfare, but I'm doing what's in her best interest and since I have the bipolar disorder that would have to be taken into consideration. But even my therapist thinks in all honesty that it won't come to that. I mean, no one is going to get me into trouble. No one would want to. But I don't go around telling people. Neither does Jason and Susan.
The other thing that I have worried about a great deal is my mother passing away. I don't know what to do if that happens. I won't have a place to live. I'll have to move somewhere and hope to god that I have the money to do that. I have thought about moving in with Greg, but honestly that would be a last resort. He looks good - much better than he has in a very long time, but he still isn't someone I look at as a partner for life. My therapist did try to reassure me that my siblings couldn't just kick me out. That they HAVE to follow what the Trust says. They can't just take things. I mean, I don't really care about anything here, but I don't want Wes to show up and make my life hell because he can. He is such an asshole. I hate the fact that he's my brother. This is why I have my family of friends. THEY are my real family. I have all kinds of brothers and sisters that matter to me.
All in all, I guess he did a good job of easing my mind, but I'm still feeling the under-current. I'm probably also PMSing, which could account for it too. I don't respond well to the hormonal shifts. It can make me want to cry, feel like I'm losing my mind, irritable or so emotionally unstable I want to go to the hospital. My PMS or PMDD is just WONDERFUL! I LOVE having it . . . NOT!!!
Anyway, after therapy I went over to Jason and Susan's for dinner. Susan made Beef Noodles. It was good and I got to see Cassie. LOL! She wanted to play on my laptop so me being the mom I am, I let her! :-P My kids love my laptop! Anyway, Paige was over and we watched American Idol tonight - Last city looking for hopefuls. Some stories were incredible. I don't watch American Idol, but I don't mind watching it at their house. I just don't watch it on my own. Eventually I had to say good night. Got lots of hugs and kisses then left. On the way home, I stopped at got fuel - which I desperatly needed. Picked up a U-No chocolate bar (they remind me of my dad) and then stopped at McDonald's again for another Diet Dr. Pepper. Yeah, it's been a Diet Dr. Pepper day for me. I have enough money to get two more of them over the next day or two.
Well, now I'm home. Watched "Ghost Hunters Internation" and "Face/Off". I need to take my medication and see about going to sleep. I still didn't get any writing done, but on the other hand I came up with another idea that I might try to develope too as another story, but it has to have more of a storyline than what I have. I've got a lot to think about. I also thought about writing out things maybe about my life and then try to assemble it in a book or something. I don't know. That was just another thought. I am also going to try to get back into my poetry writing. It used to be a stellar way for me to work through some feelings, but I haven't written consistently in years. Guess we'll see what happens.
Okay, time for medication. Maybe I'll write out some notes or something before I go to sleep. That will count as writing for me.
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