It's not the worst day I've ever had and it's not ending horribly, but it has not been a good day. It started off bad and it just kept going.
It started with me not sleeping well last night. Then waking up at 6:30am to wake Jordan up for school to only have him just about cry because he was so tired - his sleep schedule has been off - so I let him go back to sleep even though it aggravated me. Then less than an hour later I get a call from Cassie wanting permission to go to school late because SHE was tired and I was too tired to argue. Then when she got home, I let her miss another period though I knew I shouldn't have. Finally I got her to school. When I came home I went back to sleep for a bit. In fact, I slept until about 1pm. Then when I got up, I got Jordan up. That actually wasn't too bad. But it was picking up Cassie from school when it all started going South. I can't even begin to relate everything she talked to me about but she has a lot more issues than I thought. She has cut on her hand before. I'm worried that she might do it again or more often or other places. Since I had and I know what emotions have to come up to do that I am very worried. Then she is so upset over school - especially math. She hates her teacher. Gets Anxiety when she's called on - bad enough to make her feel like she wants to throw up. Then here - she wishes her brother would love her. That Grandma wasn't such a bitch and that she had her own room. She's so unhappy and it rips me apart. And even over at Jason and Susan's it's not all peachy, but it's better than here. I just wish I didn't feel so alone without her, but I'm starting to see how it might be better for her over there. I wish it weren't true and it really makes me feel that I am a horrible parent that I have put her in this position. The conversation started because she wants to go to Spring Valley middle - well wishes. She knows she can't. There are a lot of reasons why. I just wish that I were different. That I had somehow been the parent she should have had. Instead of the failure I am. I'm just depressed and I think resigned to the fact that Cassie is far better off outside this house. It kills me and I miss her, but I have to think about what's better for her. I just wish I were what was best for her. Maybe in another life where I had money and a place of my own where she could have had a room of her own and we weren't always struggling with money . . . But that's not going to happen. Things are the way they are and it's how they'll always be.
Anyway, I think the more she's away the more reclusive I get. I have no reason to do much of anything. Living life is a challenge. Okay, I've managed to talk my depression into getting a little worse. Well, maybe this is how it was and I'm just feeling the whole effect now. It sucks feeling like a failure as a parent, as a writer and a person. I suppose I'll have to work on this. Find a way to cope. Maybe I'll be able to lose myself in my writing again at some point. One can hope.
I took Cassie back over to Jason and Susan's. Had dinner there. It was really good and we got MacDonald's sundaes for dessert. It was nice to hang out even though I didn't say too much. What am I going to say, you know? And I did get to spend the evening with Cassie. I hugged and kissed her good-bye and came home. As I said, the evening was okay. It's ending okay, but I am definitely depressed and sad and maybe a little lonely without my girl. I love my son too, but it's different with him. He's like me. A loner. We watch movies together and stuff . . . He's also an adult. So it's not the same. I don't know. I guess I have to do what I always do. Wake up, get through the day, go to sleep and do it all over again. If it weren't for Karissa I think I would totally lose it. Petting her helps.
Anyway, I guess that's it for now. I don't know what my depression will be like tomorrow, but I'll find out whether I want to or not. Think I'll take some medication and hope I go to sleep easily.
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