Well, what can I say? I have had a lot of ups and downs last year. Too many. Some things I'm still struggling with. I've also been blessed in some ways - like finally getting a laptop. Christmas was good. Had gifts for the kids when I thought I might not have anything. Then we had dinner with Jason and Susan at Susan's mom's place (Her mom was on vacation). It was a nice time, but I kept getting light-headed. Turned out the next day I found myself sick with a chest cold. It lasted all week and into the New Year. In fact, I still have a cough. It kind of sucks, but I think the cough is going to hang around for awhile. A bummer thing that happened was I got a denial letter from SSI. Thanks to Jason I now have a lawyer. They have a 95 percent success rate. But the bad news is it can take up to a year and a half. Of course, I'll get retro-active money, which will be nice. I'll have a little money. But that's off in the future.
New Year's was fun. Had Cassie, Paige and Katie Belle at Jason and Susan's apartment where I was house/cat sitting. The girls did my make-up as each other's. They dressed up nice. At midnight they went outside with silly string and made lots of noise. It was great. Then we had sparkling cider. Yum! I got some nice pix and Cassie did too, only we can't find her camera now, which is very bad.
My biggest problem at the moment is the fact I'm having massive anxiety. At first I wasn't sure what was causing it. I still don't know exactly why it started, but I know why it's getting worse at the moment. My mom from welfare is going to be cut because of all the school Cassie missed. I haven't sent the paperwork in, but that's what they said would happen. I can't exactly claim ignorance, though I should be able to, but you know how the government is. It's no excuse. Blah, blah, blah. But the anxiety is reaching fever pitch. I don't know what I'm going to do if it continues. As it is, I went to the ER once because I was out of ativan and can't get anymore for a few more days, but even those aren't helping much and tonight the anxiety is bad enough to make me want to cut. I haven't and I'm fighting the urge, but it's there. I haven't told anyone but I find the older I get the less I share. I don't know why. Maybe I just don't want to burden everyone or maybe I'm just ashamed to be that way. What people don't understand is the momentary relief the cutting gives. It's hard to explain. But I actually have thought about going back to the ER for this. I suppose it depends on how bad the urge gets. I just hope it doesn't get much worse.
As for the money, there isn't much I can do about it. What happens happens, but I can't help worrying. How will I pay rent? How will I afford the things I need? And it doesn't help that my mind tells me what a loser I am. How I'm a horrible parent. How I have failed as a parent. That I'm a waste of space . . . And as if that's not bad enough, I'm still not writing much. My passion continues to wither more than it appears and it feels as if it's gone for good. I don't want to believe that, but it's like my mind is constantly in a cloud or fog and I just can't concentrate anymore. I used to still be able to write when I was depressed, but no longer. What happened to me? I keep hoping this year will be better, but I can't say it's started off that way. Not that anything devistating has happened, but to feel the way I feel sucks and I hope it's not a precedence to what's to come.
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