Today was okay. I slept late because I didn't fall asleep until 6:30am. So it's no wonder that I slept until after 2:00pm. I still feel tired, but maybe that's not such a bad thing. It would be nice to be tired enough to sleep early. I can always forget watching Merlin, though it's a good show.
I haven't spent too much time feeling depressed today. It's still there, but it's not dragging me down like it was. Maybe I'm adjusting to the decision I made about Cassie. She is better off at Jason and Susan's. Even today my mom was asking me if Cassie were going to come back - to do stuff of course. I told her I didn't know when Cassie was going to get back. I know my mother is never going to change. In a lot of respects she destroyed me in my teens and I just can't let it happen to Cassie. I want better for her. I don't want Cassie to be run by anxiety and a sense of failure all the time because of constant put-downs where you're made to feel like the worst person in the world. My mother is emotionally toxic. It's just how she is and in some respects it's gotten worse with age. I deal with her better now than I did as a kid, but it's not always easy. She's still great and making me feel like an utter failure (as if I didn't feel that way enough). I think I just stopped trying to make her happy long ago because nothing pleases her and especially not me. I am a slob. I would rather do just about anything other than housework and she is TOTALLY OBSESSED with housework. Her and I have never seen eye to eye on anything and I think she deliberately doesn't see eye to eye with me on anything because I am such a slob. Therefore I am not worthy of her. But what it comes down to is that I don't want Cassie to go through that anymore.
But I miss her. I do. And I turn to my beautiful calico kitty Karissa for comfort. What's great is that when she's ready to sleep with me, she loves to be almost right next to me. I do find myself worrying about her a lot more now. I think it would really turn my world upside down. She's been breathing a little strange, but that could also just be me paying closer attention to her now. It's just she's not young. She'll be 10 years old in April. She's lived longer than most outdoor cats. Now she's mostly indoor which is great. IF I'm lucky she could live to be 16 which would be wonderful. I can hope. All I know is that I have her and she is my baby too.
My writing is going pretty well. I have written another page on the story. It's not much yet. It's just showing a normal day, but it won't end normally. I'm almost to the point where she's going to be abducted. It be long until she gets away and saved by a "wolf". I really am excited to get there. I'm not sure exactly what direction I'm going in right after that, but I have a couple of ideas. I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough. :-)
Anyway, Jordan has managed to sleep through the entire day. I'm going to let him keep sleeping until she naturally wakes up. It's just too hard wake him now because then he WILL be up all night and sleep in the morning. I'd like to at least have him stay awake until noon or later. He has things he needs to do too. Like raking leaves and sweeping the gutter . . . He hates doing it, but it's not like he's asked to do a lot.
I'm going to try to go back to my writing because there is NOTHING on TV. Then again, I haven't watched "Inception" yet. Maybe I'll put that on. OR I'll just try to drift to sleep. Well, we'll see.
But either way, I can say that today has been okay. It's much better than being depressed, crying, feeling sorry for myself and all that fun stuff. I'm going to hope this will continue into the weekend. :-)
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