Since last night the depression has really set it. It sucks. I guess I'm adjusting or trying to adjust to letting her go. If it weren't for Karissa I don't think I could deal with it at all. Karissa comes in and out all the time though. She sort of drives me a little crazy that she wants in and out so much. But she sleeps a lot with me. And she likes to cuddle up next to me. It comforts me a lot. But I miss Cassie. I still feel like a failure. I guess being a parent wasn't my thing even as much as I wanted it. I love my kids so much and I feel like I failed both of them.
I don't know. I just feel like crying. And I have cried. But it doesn't change anything. I'm stuck in this house - The House of Doom. There was never a better name given to it. I remember calling it that as a teenager and it is even more so. It has driven my daughter away. Of course, maybe I did that too and she just doesn't want to tell me that. But she does start crying when she hears me say that I think she doesn't want to be with me. I shouldn't say anything. It's not fair to her. But sometimes she says something and the words will come out of my mouth before I realize it. That doesn't happen to me that often. I just wish things were different and we know about wishes . . . they're full of shit. Wishing doesn't do any good and I just don't have the confidence or the ability to change things. I guess I am destined to be a failure and a loser.
Life sucks . . .
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