Still With the Pain :-(

I thought I'd be asleep by now, but NOOOOO! I have to have restless legs! Outside of being tired I've still been having that pain all day when I get up and down and when I twist a certain way. It's like I'm getting stretched apart and when it happens it HURTS! On the upside I'm seeing Dr. Tanaka tomorrow. But I'm nervous about what he'll say and I'm nervous about getting there on my own. I have directions, but I think there might be something wrong about it. But I don't know. Guess I'll find out when I get there.

I managed to take my mom to Vine Ripe today. Cassie came with which was nice. She went in with Grandma while I waited in the car. I didn't want to get up if I didn't have to. It sucks. I also helped Cassie with a speech and then a science project. I also watched Deadlist Catch tonight which was an emotional episode. But I'm yawning and want to sleep so hopefully I can now.

Pain in the Abdomen . . .

Well, I haven't had a whole lot to say lately and writing on my blog has really just been the last thing on my mind. Usually I am so tired at night that I just haven't written. But I figured it was time to just jump back in and start back on my trail.

I was supposed to go back to Water Aerobics tonight and I had the intension to do just that. But everyone around doesn't want me to carry my gym back and now I am having some kind of pain in my upper right abdomen. It hurts when I stand up or sit down and sometimes when I lean a certain way. I called my surgeon and talked to the nurse. She said that he thinks it might be a pulled muscle - not sure how that would have happened . . . But to apply hear to it and come see him on Wednesday morning. This will be interesting because I have never gone there by myself. On the plus side I'll get weighed and I'll get to see what I've lost. But I'm nervous going there.

And as far as applying heat, we had no heating pad and no water bottle so my mom gave me her credit card to get a heating pad and buy Taco Bell for dinner. What's awesome was that I can each the refried beans!! I have had them 2 days in a row and no ill effects. It's nice to be able to have something to eat there.

The sad things is that I have been using the heating pad and well . . . it hasn't helped with the pain. That SUCKS! Anyway, tomorrow Susan will give me directions to the office tomorrow so I hopefully won't get lost. And I HAVE to get my car insurance out tomorrow too! I don't want it to be late, but I was just too sore to do more. Plus I have to pull out more money which sucks!

Anyway, I guess that's it. Trying to keep a positive attitude. After all, I think I am still losing weight. That will be nice to see a result. That will keep me motivated. Speaking of, I've only had one real meal today. Think I better have someone get me something. I'm sure that adds to my fatigue.

Guess that's it for today. 

Fatigue, Light Headedness . . . Dehydration?

It seems like it's been a long day. I had my pdoc appointment this morning and I was surprised I was taken right in. Usually there's a good waiting period. But I am guessing the person before me didn't show up. My Pdoc actually spent a lot of time with me. What was kind of neat was running into the RID leader. She could see I've lost weight and that made me smile. It's nice to know it's that noticeable! And I talked to Jodi and my Pdoc about my surgery and they both agree that we're going to have to see how things work out with my meds. We may need to adjust them as I lose weight. I'm not looking forward to that if that's the case.

Anyway, as I was leaving I got a text from Daniel. I knew he needed a place to stay so I told him to come over. I got the rest of the story from Daniel, but I didn't tell Jason what I know. It's not worth the drama that comes with it, you know? Daniel asked my mom if he could live here for a week and she said sure. I wish it was for a longer period of time. I don't want to see Daniel go back to Oregon. We'd never see him again! And he has a job here! Then Jason wanted me to pick him up and take him home, so I did. Cassie spilled the beans about Daniel, but that was no big deal. I played down anything Daniel told me and I also told him I didn't want the drama. Think I ticked him off a bit, but it's true! Who needs drama, right?

Well, I'm tired and have been all day. I've also been light-headed and really fatigued. I finally called the Surgeon's office and talked to a nurse. She said it sounded like I wasn't drinking enough water and getting dehydrated. I hope that's been fixed now that I've had a lot of water. But I still feel fatigued. Guess I'll see what happens in the next couple of days. But for now, I'm going to maybe get a string cheese and then zone out for the rest of the night.

Tension Rising

 

Well, the day for the most part was okay. I stayed home from going to the gym again. I thought I was going to take my mom around places. But I slept until it was time to pick up Cassie from her half day of school. After that, I took my mom to the bank and then we went to Vine Ripe for veggie and lamb chop stuffs. I got some Halva even though I didn't know if I could eat it or not.

My stomach has felt a bit full today. But nothing serious. No nausea and no vomiting or diarrhea. Breakfast was some 2% cottage cheese. I couldn't eat a lot of it though. Then lunch was a scrambled egg which I kept down easy enough. The smell of the onions and peppers that my mom had cooked was so hard to resist. I so wanted to take a piece or two. But as it was, I had Cassie get me a piece of Halva. It was a bigger piece than I would have taken and I was worried about the "Dumping" syndrome. But nope. It was good and I was okay.

I have been a little emotional today and I am not in the mood to deal with Jason's crap. The tension between Cassie in regards to him is emmence! SHe really doesn't want anything to do with him anymore. Not even Susan. I am hoping this eventually changes. Personally, he wants me to come pick him up from Amaya and take him home for the next three days and personally I think he wants to get together and I am just not in the mood. That's just more stress than I need. And now he's kicked out Daniel. Grant you, Daniel had a big mouth, but I wouldn't have wanted him to go. And personally, Jason can say he hasn't been looking for a way to get Daniel out of the house since he got there, but he has! Maybe things just got out of hand today. I hope so. But I just wan't want the drama! I don't NEED the drama. What I need is calm so that I can continue to heal and move forward. I can't wait for time to pass and I can start eating more variety of food!

Anyway, I just hope there is no more stress around Jason. I don't need it.

I Could Be Feeling Better

Well, I'm not feeling so great today. After worrying about Jordan last night I took something to help me sleep this morning for  awhile, but I ended up sleeping all morning and into the afternoon. Something great happened today though! My new California benefits card came today FINALLY!!! So after I ate some yogurt and Cassie had dinner we went to Walmart. I was feeling pretty crappy though. Probably a combo of the sleeping I did and a tea I drank with sugar in it. But I'm not dumping. I just feel really rundown. I suppose that's really my sleeping late and still recovering. Because no nausea or throwing up or anything else. I just don't feel so well. Guess we'll see how I feel in the morning.

I am glad I went to Walmart tonight,  though I really didn't have the energy. Got a mother's day card for my mom and a card for Susan. :-) I also got a plant for my mom as a present. Now I just have to keep it alive until Sunday. LOL! I do not have a green thumb. I thnk it'll be fine though.

Anyway, not much else to tell except that I did eat a scrambled egg tonight and it tasted pretty good. I think I might have eaten too much, but it seems to have worked out. I need to make sure that I stick to eating three meals a day. Maybe a snack, but that's it. I wonder if I've lost anymore weight. Guess I'll find out at the gym if I try the scale there. If I'm below 400 lbs it will weigh me!! :-D

Guess that's it. I'm doing okay. Just wish I felt a little better today. But I wouldn't change getting that surgery for anything.

Man I Miss Food! LOL!

Wow! I never thought I would miss food quite as much as I do. As you can guess, the surgery went very well. The day of surgery, I weighed in at 416 lbs. A week after surgery I'm down to 403 lbs. The thing is, the more I'm stuck with the bland food, the more I want things like chili relleno burritos! LOL! It's HORRIBLE! I got my daughter a Carne Asada burrito and I just about died from the smell. It smelled so good!! Before sugery I could still eat what I wanted up to a point. Now, it's going to be months before I can eat chicken! Though I'll tell you, I am thrilled that I will be able to eat white fish in a week or so! I might even get the little bay shrimp. I might be able to eat them too. Like now! :-D It just sucks, except for the weight loss. I'm almost under 400 lbs! Just that is AMAZING!! So as much as I hate not being able to really eat, I'm happy to be losing weight.

I just hope I don't have to deal with more delicious smells. LOL! I won't be that lucky with my mom cooking for the kids though!

Anyway, that's about all I have to comment on for now. Tomorrow I'm going to go to the gym. Hope I have enough energy to go and work out.

Surgery In the Morning

 

Well, I have surgery in the morning. Today I went to my pre-Op appointment. Found out my surgery is for 7:15am. I have to be at the hospital by 5:15am. And before that I have to shower and use this surgical scrub on my front torso. I am not looking forward to that. I mean, I've got to wake up at 3:45am. But at least it's almost here and tomorrow it will be over.

I took ativan so I'm kind of relaxed. But I have some anxiety left. I need to finish packing. I think I might take a little more of the ativan because I might be able to actually get some sleep! The more I can sleep the better.

Well, if I feel up to this, I'm going to write here tomorrow night to talk about after surgery, but we'll see what happens.

Anyway, my short recap of my day. And I took milk of magnesia and NOTHING has happened. Go figure. For now it's time to sleep, I think.

My Surgery Approaches . . .

That pic pretty much represents how I feel inside. I am anxious and a bit shakey. I am not turning back. I'm going to see this through, but I am very nervous. I'm more anxious about how I'll feel after. I am worried about my medications. Will it hurt to roll over in bed? When I get to my feet? Will I be able to keep down my meds? Will I be able to keep down anything? Do I have to use a spoon to mix my protein shake?

There are so many questions and unknowns. It makes me tired just thinking about it all. Of course, I'm tired anyway. Hope I sleep tonight.

I did get some last minute stuff today. My mom bought me peppermint extract and sugar free popcicles. Also as a last meal I got a McDouble with my salad and then my mom bought See's Candy for Diana and brought Cassie and I a piece each back. That was a nice treat. I also did some packing for the hospital. I just can't wait to get it over with. Each day just brings more anxiety and it's not going to go away until this is done and over.

Anyway, all I have is tomprrow and Wednesday . . . Thursday is the big day. Man I'm nervous. Kind of wish it was tomorrow so that I can just get it over with. But for now I need to take my meds and tried to go to sleep.

Flashback to the Past

Well, some anxiety got triggered tonight. Though I have been thinking about Denise my long gone friend (though I kind of stalk her online! LOL!), I found out that my Ex Husband unfriended me on Facebook, probably because of Denise. He must value whatever crap she says. Whatever, but I have to say that it kind of pisses me off. I have been thinking about writing John and telling him to say hello to her from me. It would probably create drama and I don't need it before my surgery. What's sad is that we used to be friends or rather I was more friends with her than she was with me. But I do have this fantasy of losing the weight and having that book of mine accepted by Black Velvet Seductions. Then writing her and bragging about how wonderful my life is. I know it's kind of mean, but with that she put Nicole and I through she kind of deserves it. There is a part of me that wishes we could be friends again, but I can't deal with her drama. EVERYTHING is a drama to her.

Anyway, I just should leave well enough alone and realistically I probably won't do what I said I have been thinking about. It might now be worth the aggravation, but it would be nice to how her how well my life is going. I mean, this has really been a good year and it's just going to get better.

And I have to admit that some of the anxiety is still over the surgery, but I do want it to be over. Then go from there. I did manage to fill out my paperwork that I need to take with me to the pre-op meeting and I turned in the prescriptions to the pharmacy. It's coming and coming fast. My mom even bought me a robe from Catherine's today. It was originally $62, but after all the sales I only paid $23!! Isn't that awesome?? I think I'm going to start packing a bag tomorrow. I can't put everything in it yet, but I can get a good portion ready.

Well, that's it. Anxiety. Once Upon a Time friend. My good life at the moment . . . Things will go well. I believe that and I have so much support. That helps. Anyway, time to try to sleep.

Technically 4 Day Left to Surgery

It's after midnight so technically it's 4 days until surgery. There are things I still haven't done yet. I want to re-write my list for what I'm going to take to the hospital. My mom wants me to call Catherine's tomorrow and see if they carry robes because they said to take on to the hospital. I have to also fill out the hospital paperwork - I've been kind of putting it off, I guess. I don't know why. Maybe because it's one of the last steps and it will make thing very REAL. LOL! But I have to bite the bullet and just do it. I also have to fill the three prescriptions they gave me before I go into the hospital. I am to the point where the anxiety is there, but I'm more just wanting to get it over with so I can start dealing with my new life. It's going to be a big change. When I do start eating soft food I have a feeling I'm going to be eating a lot of eggs and cottage cheese. Always protein first.

Guess I should try to get some sleep. I know that the night before the surgery I'm going to have a very hard time sleeping. It's coming up so fast! At least I'll be getting it done and over.

Time to sleep.

8 Days and Counting Down

I can't believe it's one more day closer to surgery. But today was a difficult day. I was nauseous almost all day. It sucked. It was my anxiety skyrocking. I don't know why it was so bad today, but I don't see this getting any better. Actually, it did get a little better after my therapy session, but I won't be talking to my therapist next until after my surgery which will most likely be over the phone. I won't be able to drive for two weeks.

I did spend some time on Cafemom tonight and posted about my nerves. Also one of the women offered her friendship and support. I think I'm going to need it. I also asked women to share their after surgery stories with me so I have an idea on how it might feel for me. That might settle my nerves a little. I also found out that I can crush my lamictal and paxil. It's just the invega I have to swallow whole. But at least it's not ALL of my pills.

I just hard a hard time with the anxiety. Jason thought I might be getting sick, but I knew it was anxiety. He did try to reassure me, which was nice. Then my mom washed two sets of PJs for me. I think I'm going to take my yellow ones. I need to start writing a list of what I'm going to take. I might end up not using anything I take, but you never know. I'd like to be able to post on Cafemom how I'm doing. We'll see how it goes. I just can't believe in just over a week it will be time for surgery.

Wow!!

9 Days and Counting

What can I say? The thought that penetrated every waking moment is the surgery and how it's soon approaching. However, I did manage to pick up Jason from the trolley and take him home. Pick up Cassie. Take my mom to Walmart. Drink about 4 diet Dr. Peppers. Then Cassie and I went to Jason and Susan's for BBQ chicken. Let's face it, it's going to be a very long time before I can eat any chicken again - Well, soon it will be that way.

Man I am so tired though too. I don't know why I'm so tired. Maybe I'm stressing too hard on the surgery. THough I just wish I could get it done and over with. Once it's over, it's done and I'll be dealing with another set of issues. But hopefully once the weigh is gone I'll be able to keep it off.

Anyway, this is going to be a very short entry. I did get a new book - "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo." I'm going to take it with me to the hospital. I'm also going to take my laptop, pajamas, cell phone, phone charger . . . I'll have to make sure I have everything to take.

That's it for now. More tomorrow.

10 Days Until Surgery

Well, I know I took a break for a couple of months. Even went passed Easter. But I can say that I met the goal of losing 50 lbs. Actually, I've lost 62 lbs. I also asked for the soonest surgery slot. I didn't expect it to be in two weeks. I have been trying to get my head wrapped around the fact that it's finally happening and the anxiety that it's going to happen and what might go wrong or how I'm going to feel after. I worry about the pain. But I know this is the right thing for me. It's going to give me a whole new life. But I am really, really nervous.

Today I really stuck to my guns today and didn't really deviate from my plan. I even went to Water Aerobics even though I didn't really want to. However, it was good and I enjoyed the work out and it was nice to see Jen. I got to share with her and Gail and another woman, who I can't remember her name, but she's really nice. They are all excited and happy for me. :-) I did actually consult the psychics in this group I'm in on Cafemom and they said everything was going to go well. Then I also got practical advice like following the diet restrictions. Trust me, I plan to. I just don't know how I'm going to take my pills once the surgery is over. I need more than an ounce of water to take my pills. I have visions of throwing up my pills, which would not be a good thing. But you never know. It might not happen that way. Maybe I'll tolerate things much better than expected. I hope so! I really want things to go well - better than just well. I want things to be the best they can be.

Tomorrow will be 9 days until the big event. I wish I could just chill out about it, but I know I will stress until the very end. Once it's over I'm sure things will be fine. So far, with this, everytime I have stressed things have been much better than I thought. So that's a positive! I just have to stay positive. Not that I'll change my mind. I'm doing this. It's just scary. But it'll be okay. I know it will be - and the psychics told me so! LOL!

Here's to tomorrow . . . making it through another day . . . making things one step closer. Aaahhhhhhh! LOL!

Spent Way Too Much Money . . .



Wow I have spent so much money in three days! A lot of it is stuff I wanted, but also stuff I needed. Some of the stuff I wanted were DVDs from the Blockbuster that is closing near me. I spent just over $60 and got about 10 DVDs. Got some I haven't seen yet and then some that I just love. I also went to Catherine's and bought 2 swim suits and a set of Pajamas. The swim suits were originally over a hundred dollars a piece!! Thank god everything was 40% off! So my total ended up being about $160 I think. I also went to Walmart where I got "The Glades" Season 1 and "Commando" which I found in the $5 bin. That bin is awesome! I also bought two harlequins because they were Sheik related AND I got milk for me. That was just last night.

Then we went today. I picked up "Hawaii Five-0" Season 1 which they didn't have at Best Buy. Literally they didn't have ANYTHING I was looking for! I was so irritated!! But before that I got a new bed!! It's awesome with a pillow top! I can't wait to sleep on it though I won't be able to until tomorrow night.

Anyway, back to Walmart. Not only did I get that series, I can't remember what else I got! LOL! I can't think at the moment. But I don't think I bought too much. But when I got home my mom reminded me that I needed to get new towels for the gym. I also needed better shampoo and conditioner so on our way to house/dog/cat/guinea pig sit we stopped at Walmart again!! This time we went upstairs where electronics, and I ended up with one more DVD - "Australia" for $10. Love that movie! But on the way to towels I saw pillows on sale!!! So I grabbed two of them. They were about $4 apiece. Can't beat that for BIG pillows. I figured I needed them to go with the new bed. My old pillows are flat and they suck. Then we got to the towels and Cassie found me a BIG purple towel for my body - It doesn't go all the way around, but it's good for now. Then she found me a turquoise towel for my hair. I also ended up getting Cassie the next book in the series she's reading. I also got a leopard print fleece blanket. That wasn't it though. I also got Karissa some treats, conditioner and shampoo for me and then some for Cassie. We also got hair color and I got Cassie a St. Patty's Day shirt.

Now I remember what I bought earlier in the day - a reem of printer paper, mechanical pencils for cassie AND lead for them. I got me some colored markers. My other set got screwed up. Then I got my pens that I like. I even got Cassie a flannel shirt from the clearance rack AND a beenie hat.

Needless to say I have gone to Walmart a lot for two days and spent A LOT of money!! But I did get some stuff I needed.

It was pretty cool though. When we got to Jason and Susan's Cassie trimmed my hair and colored it for me. A nice medium auburn. Then Cassie colored her own hair - BLONDE! Very blond!! It looks good. Jordan just watched TV. Now that's what I'm doing. I'm very tired though. I watched some TV myself. I watched about half of "Star Trek" the latest movie. Then I watched "Restaurant: Impossible." Now it's "Iron Chef America." But what's sad is that I'm so tired and I can't sleep. Jordan is in the same boat, but for him, the new couches Jason and Susan have isn't comfortable to him. It sucks. He's going to be tired tomorrow and so am I. I did take my meds tonight. I think I forgot them this morning. I have forgotten the morning meds more than usual lately. I need to get back on track big time.

Anyway, I guess that's is. I need to try to sleep. We'll see what happens.

Waiting On Money!

Well, I've decided that I'm going to stop numbering the days, but I still need to account for my weight and eating. I kind of blew it today all the way around. I had a piece or raisin toast with peanut butter instead of a shake. Then for lunch I ate a Big Mac and a caramel iced coffee. Then I finally did have a shake, but then I had a piece and a half of pepperoni pizza. I figure I was bad today, but I'm going back on track first thing in the morning. I have to be strict this week. I want to get back to losing weight and I'm not sure I have been. And I need to lose those last 17 pounds.

My mom found a scale that could weigh me, but it costs $50. I think I might get it. I wouldn't worry constantly if I had something in front of me to measure my progress or lack there of! So that's something on my list to get.

Anyway, I got my SSI! I have met with the woman that needed my information. This month I get the first installment of my retro check. The next one will be in August and the rest will be given to me next February. I wasn't happy at first, but thinking about it, I like it a lot. It spreads out my money so I will have money for different parts over this year!! It won't be gone all at once! So that's a good thing.

But I'm going to have quite a bit of money in a few days. My retro check is going to be around $2500. Then I'll be getting this month's $571 and then around the first I'll get another $571 for next month. I think there's also more money I'm getting, but I'm happy with this. And it's going to allow me to do things I need and want to do. First I get the car fixed! That is my top priority. Then I was going to see about getting a bed, but Jason and wonder that he is found me a bed for $60. Can't get better than that. Plus the bed is only 10 months old! Awesome!! So that's something I don't have to worry about getting. I also want to get a new laptop. Something with TONS of storage for photos and stuff. I also need two new bathing suits. The one I have is all stretched out and falling apart really. So that will be nice! I also want to get some DVDs, take Jason and Susan out to dinner (another day I will be very bad, but will be planned) and then I'm giving them $300 for Daniel to hopefully come down here from Oregon. He apparently wants to, but Jason's a little worried that he may just take the money and use it for other things. But Daniel's a good kid. He wants to come down.

Anyway, I think I'll have enough for everything I want this time around. I'll think about what I want for my birthday - and I'll have to set aside money for Christmas this year! I want it to be a nice Christmas. But the thing that irritated me the most today was my mother. I haven't even had the surgery yet and she's already saying how she wants us out of the house. Ugh! I mean I need to have the surgery, then I need to recover! That might take months! It depends, I guess. Not that part of me doesn't want to be out on my own. I need to find out if there is a way to speed up housing too. I would like a place in El Cajon.

All I've been able to think about is the money coming. I'll have to set up a checking account and get direct deposit. It's a lot safer than getting checks in the mail. That's something good. It was never a thing to do with the welfare since I had the card. I'm just happen to be getting a little more money every month too. From what I understand I'll still get more income for Cassie and I'll still get food stamps and Medi-Cal. I feel like I'm in a better place financially. Guess we'll see what the future brings.

Well, I'm finally tired. Tomorrow it's back to the gym and water aerobics and getting my ass back on track. No cheating! I deserve to be thin and happy! I need to remember that.

Guess that's it. Time for bed. My goal is to get back into writing my blog again. I think it helps clear my head. Night!

Day 60 - Think This Will Be Short . . . Not?

I got up and let Cassie stay home again. She was really upset last night. I went back to sleep for a little bit, but I did get up and get ready for the gym. Water Aerobics wasn't so fun today, but I was having an anxiety attack through most of it. I did put on lotion after the shower and some of my cream, but I still got itchy. I think I'm just going to have to deal with it. 

When I got home I ended up taking a nap. Of course, Jason and Cassie were still at odds or rather Cassie was at odds with everyone. I needed that nap badly. Then I woke up. Talked to Sandra at SSI briefly. I have an appointment for next Friday and I need proof of income for the last year and a half or so. I'll have to call welfare either tomorrow or Monday. The sooner I get what I need, the better. 

I then also took my mom to get her nails done. I came back home and Cassie was talking about going to her father's. I told her she wasn't going until after the school year was over. She was angry at me for it, but oh well. Eventually, things worked out with Jason and she went over there and I think things are back to normal. I just feel that Cassie is still grieving and now she's worried about losing Grandpa Roger too. Maybe she'll go up for the summer.

Anyway, I picked up my mom from getting her nails done, though I stopped for a diet Dr. Pepper at McDonald's first. Once we got home, I was on the computer. I played on Cafemom. I posted in my groups - not all of them! But I did some posting in "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" I got a new member. Members seem to like the recipes! That's cool. I just wish I could get other people to participate. I closed the Q & A forum and will just ask questions in the general forum and see if I can't get more people to participate. It might work . . . Then I posted some love songs onto my "Holiday Dreaming" though I should do more there. Maybe tomorrow I'll focus on it. Once Valentine's Day is over, It's on to St. Patty's day. More forums! Then in the new group I joined I read the spoilers for "The River." It was suggested I look for it on Hulu.com and sure enough it was there!! So I watched it. It was pretty good. I like the characters and the story was interesting. I'm going to try to catch it every week on Hulu if nothing else.

Well, dinner was good. I actually got full, but then I got a call from Jason saying the blockbuster near me was going out of business and to check it out. I decided I would so I told my mom I was going to go out to get dressing - which the store ended up not having at the moment - but I thought there were a lot of movies that were realaly cheap, but they weren't as cheap as I hoped. They were $10 apiece so I didn't get a couple I wanted. I did get "Transformers- Dark of the Moon." At least I have all three movies now. I was bad though. I had a huge rice crispy treat - 300 calories! But that's the last thing I'm going to weat today except for maybe some cuties or something. But I think I'm doing okay. Especially if I get back on track with the water aerobics.

Guess that's it for now. I need to use some cream on my rashes and change into my PJs. Time for bed!

 

Day 59 - Still Depressed But Starting To Get Back On Track

I am still very depressed about losing Linda. She was always so supportive. I would have liked her to be around for my surgery and to help me celebrate my successes. But oh well. There's nothing that can be done about it. I just have to realize that she'll be there in spirit. I did cry a little bit last night and talked with her. Though I doubt she's listening to me. She needs to be with Roger and John. But I miss her too.

Anyway, I slept until 12:30pm. I was worried I had missed the gardener because my mom had a doctor's appointment. I didn't which was nice. In fact, I was able to pick up Jason from the trolley so that he could come over and hang out for a bit. They let him go early from work so he said. I have this feeling he just took the time off, but I could be wrong. It's just this sense I have. But you know, it's not my problem. He's the one that missed out on the money.

When my mom got back and the gardener was there doing a good job, she decided that she wanted to go out for something to eat. We went to Denny's which was awesome. I got a build your own slam again. This time I got two eggs scrambled with onions, the chicken sausage patty, wheat pancakes and oatmeal. OMG! I was expecting a little bowl of oatmeal. Turned out the bowl was HUGE!! Needless to say, I didn't eat everything. I left half the oatmeal at least and I didn't finish the pancakes. So I took them home. I'm starting to get a little hungry again so I might be finishing those pancakes. Anyway, it was good.

When I got back I got on the computer for a bit. I got ready to go to the gym tonight. Then Cassie came home. Jason and Cassie were butting heads again and he sent her home, though I think she wanted to come home. I got a text from Jason saying he was going to send her home permanently. I ignored it and went to the gym with Susan and to water aerobics. The class was good, though I still went to the spa. I can't help it. I need to warm up. Then I took a shower and put lotion on. Susan helped me with my back and the back of my thighs. So far I'm not so itchy now. Maybe that's what I need to do.

But I'm going back tomorrow morning. I need to get back into the swing of things with the water aerobics. I need to lose weight. Only 17 more pounds to go before surgery. 

I also had to pick up my medication so Jordan and I went out. I also had to go to the store to pick up some brown sugar. I also grabbed tortillas for Jordan and caramel mousse tempations for me along with a life water for a dollar. I didn't get much, but I got my balance and I think Susan took more of my food money they she should have and isn't going to tell me about it. I'm not going to say anything, but next time I'm going to keep track of my balance so I know how much she uses. I mean I'm down to just over $100. That's just not right. THEN as if that wasn't bad enough Jason was upset about Cassie threatening to take everything away from her over her not apologiing to him. I understand, but he upset her big time and when she's upset there is no reasoning with her. But all she had to do was say "I'm sorry" without attitude!! Ugh!! What a pain in the ass. I was having a panic attack over it. Susan was crying. These guys don't understand what this crap does to us! UGH!!!

Anyway, I guess Jason finally settled down, but Cassie never did apologize to him. That sucked. I don't know what's going to happen now. All I know is I gave Cassie some ativan. I probably shouldn't do that, but she was so upset. She relaxed considerably and I'm hoping she got to sleep. Morning is going to suck. I have to get her up and get ready for school. She has to go tomorrow. It's been three days so that's enough. Time to go back to school. 

Okay, that's it for now. I need to get to sleep myself. I watched "Ghost Hunters" for the most part. Then I watched the new "Face/Off" which was really good. They had deadly animals and plants and had to incorporate them into something. Becky is a bitch though. I can't stand her. If she wins "Face/Off" I think I'll throw up. Now that's enough. Time for me to get to sleep - after the pancakes. I am exhausted and tomorrow is another day.

Day 58 - Just Haven't Wanted To Write

I'm tired and just depressed. In fact, I might keep this really short. Yesterday Linda, my kids' paternal grandma and someone I considered a good friend, died yesterday. We knew from the day before that. She had been on life support and it didn't look good. The kids have been particularly devistated. Jordan internalized it. Cassie was crying and depressed. I haven't cried yet, but it will come when I least expect it. I'm going to miss her. And now I worry about Grandpa Roger. He's not in the greatest of health either. And I know life is going to be hard without Linda.

Anyway, I let Cassie stay home these last two days from school. I've let her play with the computer for most of the day as something to distract her. I even let her go to her friend Jayelyn's today.

As for me, I'm depressed. I'm missing a good friend now. She was so happy about my progress with my weight loss and about my writing. At least the last thing she heard me ever say to her was that I loved her. It makes me a little happy. Not a lot, mind you. But at least it was about love. That there was no negativity between us. At least I hope not! I'm just not wanting to do much of anything. I just want to sleep all day. But tomorrow I have to get my ass back to the gym. I have to, though I don't want to.

Ah well. That's enough for now. I'm too tired to write more. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. At least I hope so.

Day 55 - Ending on a Low

The 2nd was a good day. I got my money and started my shopping. The first thing I got was my book "Vanish" by Tess Gerritsen. I wanted that book bad. Then I went to Walmart and did some regular shopping - toilet paper, nose spray, cat litter . . . I also got Cassie her book "Crescendo" which is the sequel to "Hush Hush." Cassie LOVED that book. I also found a Harlequin about a sheik, which are the type I collect. I also found "Independence Day" in the $5 bin and grabbed it. Then I went to get Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2, but they didn't have it so I called Best Buy and they had it for under $15! Needless to say, I got it from there. After that I got Karissa's flea ointment. That was a pain in the ass. I guess they were repaving the turn I needed and I had to detour. It wasn't horrible, but it was irritating. Still, I was able to get her the flea ointment and that's what was important. She wasn't too happy when I put it on here though. LOL! But I managed. She just hated that stuff going on her neck. Then again, maybe I would have been too if someone was putting some liquid something or other down my neck.

Needless to say, I was pretty happy with what I was able to get done. I also have money left to get "Breaking Dawn Part 1" should I chose to buy it. I also finished reading "Beautiful Creatures" and started "Vanish." 

On the 3rd I had to cancel my plans with Mark because my mom had a doctor's appointment - eye doctor. I went to McDonald's and had oatmeal and a diet Dr. Pepper. I spent the rest of the time reading. My mom took over an hour, but I didn't mind except that the McDonald's was COLD inside! Go figure. Then after my mom called I picked her up and we went to Walmart. While I was there I picked up a Woman's World, some pills for restless legs, Russell Stovers Sugar Free Strawberry cream candies and another Harlequin called "A Secret Birthright." I waited for my mom at the McDonald's there and read a little bit of that book. Turned out Mark was there too. He texted me, but didn't come up. He assumed that my mother wouldn't really be happy with his appearance and he was right. After he upset me over a motel room she doesn't like him. But what was really weird for me was when I got home, I got all kinds of emotional and I was so tired. Jason had wanted to come over, but I told him what was going on and he said for me to rest. I did. I slept for a good 12 hours at least. And of course, I started. The crazy thing is, it's been less than three weeks, I think, and I'm not bleed heavy. It's like the last one I barely bled at all, though I had waited for it to get heavy. This time, I don't know. There's more blood, but it doesn't seem like it's going to be a heavy flow at any point. 

Then today was okay for the most part. I've been tired all day and I am exhausted now, but the day was going okay. I had a good lunch. Then I was going to have two shakes. I only ended up with one shake and then some cuties and two meat balls. I think that was en0ough. But anyway, I get a call from Jason and he said I had to come over right away. He then put Cassie on the phone and she was crying. She told me something was wrong with Grandma Linda. I found out that she was dehydrated, that her blood sugar was low and she was not doing well. By the time I got over there, she was on life support. Cassie was just crying and I held her. I think this is her time. I can't imagine her surviving this. What shocked me was that John wasn't there. He was still with his girlfriend in Reno. I would have been at the hospital. But I guess everyone has their own priorities. Then Cassie is so upset because she can't go out there to be with them during this time. I know this is going to be hard on Cassie. Like how Jordan was effected by Grandpa Robinson's death. Though I think Jordan was closer to my dad than Cassie is to Grandma Linda. Still, I know she is so upset. Jordan is concerned, but he's not devistated. He might have been more prepared for this happening. I just wish it wasn't happening. Linda is such a good person with a good heart. But I guess when your time is up, it's up. 

Anyway, we'll hear when something changes, I'm sure. Rena is going to come over tomorrow. Cassie is going to breakfast with Jason and Susan, but then she's coming back. Her and I are going to watch Puppy Bowl VIII together. I don't know how Karissa's going to feel about Rena being in here. We'll see what happens.

Well, I'm ready for bed. I am tired and ready to sleep. Hopefully I'll sleep some.

Day 52 - Slept All Day Literally!

I literally slept all day. I made the mistake of taking a muscle relaxant last night and it knocked my ass out! I didn't even go to the gym. I couldn't keep my eyes open. In fact, I slept until almost 4:30pm! I didn't bother to get dressed. I just grabbed my sweater, my wallet, my book "Beautiful Creatures," and my keys. After all, therapy was at 5:00pm. I did stop at McDonald's for a diet Dr. Pepper. I had to have something. I also took my multi vitamin and medication before I left as well.

Therapy went well. I filled in Dr. Tess about all the good things going on. He agreed that it should keep me positive. I need to make sure that I go to the gym tomorrow and that I don't forget my doctor's appointment at 3:00pm. But for the first time in a long time some really good things have happened. The only thing better would be finding out that I got Section 8! But I'm happy with what I have been given to me. The weight loss and the SSI. And maybe at the end of the year I'll find out that my book will be published. At least I hope so! I am hoping this is my year! So far so good.

Anyway, tonight I watched my "Ghost Hunters" and "Face/Off." I also was on Cafemom for a long time. I added posts to "Plus Sized Moms" because there is a game to post as many posts as you can. I've posted about 7 tonight I think. Plus I worked on my "Holiday Dreaming." I did a little bit on Facebook as myself and as Karissa. I uploaded a Pix of Karissa's treats. LOL! I have to admit that I also checked out Denise's Timeline. She put on a bunch of stuff. That's where I got the idea to put Cassie and Jordan's birthdays on the timeline. She went to her different places she's lived too. I would maybe do that for here, but there was really no other place I would want to put down. I don't exactly remember dates anyway when it comes to our moves. But I'll try to think of other things to put on the timeline. Maybe when I met friends or ex friends. We'll see what happens.

Guess that's it. It's after midnight and I need to get up early to get Cassie up for school. And tomorrow is just going to be another great day. I get my money tomorrow too! At least it's been coming on the 2nd for awhile now. So I'll get to go shopping tomorrow too! I just have to make a list.