Tired Tuesday

Well, today has been a good day. Tiring day though and I'm still feeling a bit off. But nothing bad happened today, but I noticed that I'm more irritable. I'll have to keep an eye on that, but it could just be that I'm PMSing. It's getting close to that time.

I woke up early after sleeping like crap last night. I managed to get up and get to my pdoc. I have a knew one now. I can't remember his name, but he isn't going to change anything and he's taking me off the extra paxil to get me through the PMS because I started to get side effects last time. I would have considered trying it again, but I didn't really need those side effects, that's for sure. My next appointment is two days before my birthday. LOL! Happy Birthday to me! :-P

When I got home, I ate some French toast and went to bed and took a nap. I woke up a few hours later, but still exhausted and I just couldn't shake it. However, I did do my stretches. I didn't feel up to it, but I wanted to do it so I did! I'm proud of myself for that. It also turned out that because I'd gotten upset over the old "friend" I looked up was rude to me, my daughter messaged her "I don't know what your mother taught you, but my mom taught me not to be rude." I thought it was funny and sweet. Unfortunately Jason wrote her and was rude to her. Just in case there was fall out, I blocked her. I don't want any games to be played. On the upside, I found my old friend Melanie and my old friend Lesley! So those went well.

I ended up cooking dinner. No veggies because Jordan wouldn't eat them so it was just sausage. Then when I was in my room, I decided to see what was on a VHS tape because my TV has a player. Well, it must not have been working because it wouldn't eject and because of it, the TV would shut itself off. It took me like 45 minutes to an hour, but I FINALLY got that damn tape out! It broke, but oh well! My TV is back working now. That's what matters.

Well, tomorrow is going to be another busy day. Cassie is coming over at 3:00am. Then I have to get her up for school. I also have class in the morning and then a doctor'ds appointment. I have to try to not eat anything from 1:00am to my appointment so that I can give blood for testing. I have put it off for so long. I have to remember to talk to him about a sleep study and I think I have High Blood Pressure. My reading was really high at my pdoc's. But it's always high when I'm there. Go figure.

I cuddled Karissa a lot today too. It always calms me and when she purrs, it calms me even further. I love her so much. Then I watched "Deadliest Catch" and "Extreme Couponing" or whatever it was called. It was an interest show on TLC. Now I think I might get myself a PB & J sandwich and go to sleep while I can. 

Hope I don't feel this tired tomorrow.

 

Manic Monday

Well, I woke up relatively early today and I had a hard time waking up. Hind-sight, I probably shouldn't have taken the 5-Hour Energy AND my huge iced coffee. I think it's left me feeling on edge all day. But it did get me moving. I got up, got dressed, got my coffee and headed out the door to class. And class was fantastic. Met up with Kimberly first and she gave me a card with what she felt about me falling her yesterday. It was so sweet. She said I inspired her because I left my comfort zone to call her. It is awesome and I'll call again. Maybe next time will be easier. But either way I inspired her! She's inspired me too, just in class with her wanting to get better and really working the programs and stuff. I think her and I can inspire each other.

Class was good. We had seven people there! I have never seen that many people there for the meeting before. It was cool, but I think I like the intimate feeling of smaller groups. Still what I get is always helpful and good!

After class I came home. I called my medical doctor and made an appointment. Jordan and I went to the store to see about getting apple boxes. Albertson's said they would save them for me tomorrow. I picked up some groceries there. Plus, I got a call from my Pdoc about changing my appointment to tomorrow at 10:00am. I said sure! Then we went to Vons and I was able to get two apple boxes. I have one packed up already. I will need about 4-5 more just for my DVDs . . . Ugh . . . I still don't want to move out for a month. But I will. I'm just going to have to deal with the stress. And I hope I can use the toilet. If not, I'm really screwed. But enough worrying about something I can't yet do anything about.

When we got home, I did my stretches and I typed up more of my book. I have just felt on edge and tired. But as I said before, I think that was just too much energy drink and coffee. And it's not like I have felt really down. Maybe a bit irritable or moody. However I got to see Cassie, Susan and Daniel. Susan brought them over to see Jordan - who was sleeping, of course. But they hung out a little, I gues. Susan and I talked a little Jason was being a butthead like he can get and I guess he punched another hole in the wall. What an idiot.

Then I got on Facebook and I found that my friend Melanie accepted the friend request. Alison, however, wrote me back a nasty gram and told me not to contact her again. I was blind-sided by that one. I don't remember us ending on bad terms. In fact, the last time I had seen her I was pregnant and we were out to dinner at the same place. But whatever. I guess she was just in a bad mood or she remembers something I don't. Either way, the upset has run its course and I'm over it. But it did sting considering I did nothing to her. Guess some people just aren't worth finding.

It did make me a bit nostalgic though for Denise. I went poking around. Didn't find anything knew that was in English anyway. But I did find out that she's on Ada's friend page. I don't really care, I guess. Ada doesn't really talk to me that much so I know she's not playing any games with me. Plus, I think Ada is tired of games. She has other things to worry about. I was surprised to see Denise and Heather on her list though. I will probably never say anything about it. What would be the point. I don't say much about anything, and I hardly think Denise thinks about me much, unless it's to say how terrible I am because I wouldn't write her book for her. Ugh . . . But I was thinking about Denise and how I could handle her as an email friend. However, I just don't think she'd be interested. But I created a yahoo and facebook account in order to reach her, should I chose to. I always think twice about it. Maybe I'll contact her for her birthday or something. That might be a way to think about it.

Anyway, I still feel off-balance. I think it's just the energy stuff and caffeine, but I don't like this feeling. I even took an ativan and I still feel off. Maybe after I get some sleep I'll feel better. I hope this isn't some kind of crash. If it is, I have to keep at it and push through it. I can't just give up like I have so often done. I need to keep doing those things that are good for me and maybe I'll have to rethink who I might want to contact. I need to sleep. That's what I really need. I think after I finish watching "Sanctuary" it's going to be bed time.

Tomorrow I'll feel more balanced and if not, I'll talk to my new pdoc and see what he or she has to say.

Proud as a Peacock!

Today was another quiet day. I woke up, got coffee and I did my stretches watching "Quigley Down Under." I felt really good about getting my stretches done. Jason called me too at Disney California and told me all that Cassie was doing. It's nice because it makes me feel like I'm part of it. I got to hear about how she rode the rollercoaster with the loops and she rode Tower of Terror. She even won a Dumbo from some game she played! I am so proud of her for the rides though. Those were the two she was really afraid of, but Jason's son Daniel talked her into them and now she LOVES them! LOL! I knew she would once she tried them. So that was very cool.

Anyway, I also did more typing up of "Crossfire." I made it through chapter 2! I am typing up better on here, though I still do get tripped up. I just get my fingers crossed, I guess. But all in all my typing is getting much faster on here with fewer mistakes and fewer issues with hitting the cursor pad on the laptop. I am really proud of myself! I think I'm going to try to type up a chapter a day and see how that goes. Some chapters are longer than others so we'll see. But that will be the goal.

I also did something else that I'm proud about. It took a lot of determination on my part. I called Kimberly!! I took a deep breath and did it! I got her answering machine, but she eventually called me back and we talked for awhile about a bunch of different things. I am just so proud of myself for reaching out. It's still going to take effort to do it again, but one success can lead to another! And I told Kim I would see her at class tomorrow.

Karissa has been loving. She likes to sleep on top of my crate. I have so much stuff in it, but since I put my shirt down for her she has hardly moved off it. I have also pet, hugged and kissed her all day long. It sure makes me feel good and she doesn't seem to mind since she purrs. I don't know what I'd do without her. Being without Cassie is difficult, but Karissa eases that pain a bit.

Tonight I just have been kicking back, playing on Facebook. I think I found a couple of old friends online, but I haven't found the one I really want to find - Troy. Wish I could find him, but I just can't seem to do it. It's frustrating, but I hope one day I'll catch up with him again.

I also watched some repeats of "River Monsters" followed by "Law and Order: Criminal Intent" followed by "In Plain Sight." Both great episodes. Right now, "Burn Notice" is on and at midnight I'm going to watch the new episode of "River Monsters." I do enjoy that show. The crazy thing is I'm hungry again so I think I'm going to go find a snack.  Eventually I'll sleep.

Writing and Typing - What I Do Best

Today has been a quiet day, but a good one. I haven't done a whole lot. I played online for awhile. I watched a few things on TV but nothing that really sticks out. I took a shower and played with Karissa for awhile. I took my mom to Rite Aid to get a couple of things. I also did my stretches. I think I'm almost ready to go to 20 reps per stetch. We'll see maybe tomorrow.

One of the great things about today is I finally finished reading through what I wrote of "Crossfire" so far. I haven't added to it yet, but what I have done is starting to type it up. It's awesome! I have typed up almost three pages so far. It doesn't seem like a lot, but I am a little slower when I have to look to the side and sometimes I do have a problem typing on the laptop because my thumb will hit the pad under the spacebar and suddenly the bar is somewhere else. Ugh! But the more I type the better I'll get. I can almost type without watching. Though I still have to check about every other line. I'm just so happy to be back to working on my original stories. Who knows, maybe tonight or tomorrow I'll write more on the story. At least I know it's back! And I think it's honestly back to stay! :-)

Another thing that was really cool about today is the fact I got to watch a new two episodes of "My Cat From Hell" and it is such a cool show! Totally Awesome! In fact, tonight's new episode made me cry. He helped this couple to work with a feral cat they'd taken in originally as a foster, but realized she was way wild. But with the work of the couple and the extra attention by Jackson Galaxy the cat behavioralist got her to finally let her momma owner pet her for the first time. I was just so happy for them and Minibar that I cried. 

Anyway, right now I'm just wrapping up the evening. I'm starting to get tired. I'm just watching the re-runs of "My Cat From Hell" and I'll probably check on my Facebook one more time. Then I'm going to settle down for the night. Maybe I'll even fall asleep earlier than usual! That would be nice!

As for tomorrow? More typing. Maybe some writing. Exercising for sure. After that, who knows! But it'll be a good day and that's what's important.

 

A Happy Friday!

Today was really a laid back day. One I have enjoyed quite a bit. I did sleep rather late. I think I woke up around 1:30pm - give or take 30 minutes. I was talking with Greg when Cassie came over after school. I quickly got off the phone and went to the door. Cassie had my Food Card and the money from Susan for food for cash. Then Cassie also had pictures she's drawn on cats and stuff. She did one I was really impressed with. She said it was Karissa and it looked like an animated Karissa. It was very cool!

After that, I waited a little bit, got dressed, watched an "Untamed and Uncut" about whales and then finally left to get a money order to pay my car insurance. I ended up having enough to get something to eat from McDonald's. I got my Extra Large Diet Dr. Pepper, a McChicken sandwich and I even got an ice cream cone. I made sure the drink was pushed into the drink holder all the way! I parked to eat the ice cream and the sandwich. Then I went to the post office and after all that, I still have $10 to put in my fuel tank! That was awesome! It gave me another 50 miles. That put me in a great mood. I'll probably have enough fuel to make it to all my classes next week.

After I came home I watched some TV, I think. Then I started dinner. It was left overs - Shepherd's Pie for Jordan and Lasagna for me. We started watching part of "Batman Forever" and then I went into the bedroom. I did some crocheting while watching TV. I watched some "River Monsters" which was cool. Then finally I got the computer.

Of course, I also did my stretches and played and pet Karissa. I was rewarded with a lot of purring. Then I wrote an email to my Aussie! :-D I won't hear from him for another day or two, but that's cool. I also got on Facebook and actually chatted with Steve and Ada for a bit. I taught Ada how to make the smiley faces on chat. :-) She said no one else would tell her. LOL! With Steve, we talk about the kids. The bad thing is it makes me think about the past and how much I failed the kids. I mean, I try not to think about it. But that's how it is. If I think about the past, it's hard to ignore the fact that I fucked up with them. I know it was a lot my illness, but I don't know. I just wish I had been better. More consistent. That I had gotten them to school every day instead of letting them stay home - because of them playing sick or me being tired. I wish I had been able to be a better person.

Anyway, I'm not going to let it get to me. I did what I could and my kids have never doubted once that I loved them when I grew up feeling unloved. So I did that right! Maybe that was the most important thing I did for them. I certainly hope so!



Busy Like a Bee

Again it seems I'm writing my blog after midnight. Ugh! Ah well. It is what it is and I had things to do.

Last night with my TV not working I was a little nervous about sleeping when it would be so dark. No, I'm not afraid of the dark. But I haven't slept in the dark in a long time. Anyway, my nose was also giving me problems so I couldn't sleep that way. Jordan also talked me into watching some play-through on different video/PC games. I do like this one guy that does Total War Samurai 2. Or maybe that's Shogun. Not positive. But the guy is funny to listen to as he talks about the battle he's in. So that was fun. I enjoyed it, but I was so tired. Then because of my nose spray not working I ended up tossing and turning. Eventually I went to sleep but not until it started getting light out. So needless to say, I didn't want to wake up. My mom finally got me up about 1:30pm. It didn't take me long to get dressed then I took her to go get copies of these papers she wanted. Directions to the Ameral family reunion. Nope, it's not something I'm invited to and to be honest, I wouldn't want to go. I don't know most of these people and I have no sense of kinship with any of them.  After that my mom wanted to go to vons. She wanted me to pick up some cube steak for Chicken Fried Steak. She also picked out a roast for me that we can cut up and make stew out of. Outside of that I picked up milk, a water and a little coffee cake. My mom bought some stuff of her own. Then we went home. I had Jordan take the stuff inside. Soon it was time I had to go get Jason from the Amaya trolley stop because Susan had Cassie at a dental appointment.

I stopped at McDonald's to grab a Dr. Pepper and for the first time in awhile I picked regular Dr. Pepper. Anyway, I'm leaving the parking lot and turning onto the street when suddenly the cup tips over and spills on my leg. I get so distracted and upset that I almost cause a one car accident. I almost ran right into an electrical box on the sidewalk. I slammed on my brakes just in time. I swear I have a guardian angel! Anyway, I had to wait while a couple of cars passed me because I had to back up before going forward. Then I went and picked up Jason. I told him about my little adventure. Now I know how easy it is to get distracted by a drink and almost have an accident!

Jason hung out with me for awhile. Between him and Jordan we got my old TV out and put in my dad's TV, only the screen was jumping a little - which I then remembered it was why I had stopped using it to begin with. And as if that wasn't enough, it didn't have the port for the DVD cords. I would have needed an adapter. Ugh! Anyway, we found out that Cassie has gingivitis (like that's a surprise) and she has six cavities. It's a lot but to be honest, it's not as bad as it could be.

My mom made the chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes and country gravy and OMG it was good! I ate the whole thing. My mom had cooked enough for Jason, but he didn't eat. He stayed a little longer and then waited outside for Susan to arrive. When they did Cassie came in, told me about her teeth and then got my food card so Susan and do the Food for Cash. I need to take care of it tomorrow.

Anyway, after that, I rested for a little bit because I had to get to Greg. What scared me is that he was supposed to come up to me to put fuel in my car and then go back to his place and then go to the hospital so he could get his MRI on his knee. That didn't happen and I was like at 14 miles til empty. I was pretty freaked out about it. By the time I got to Greg's house I was down to 8 miles. Eventually he put fuel in my tank. We also went to Longhorn Cafe again. I couldn't resist getting another burger. My god they are so yummy. We also got the onion rings and fries. I also got one long island iced tea, but that was it. I had to drive. After that, we went to the hospital. He took his prescription in to the pharmacy and then we went to the MRI section of the hospital. He didn't want to do it. I know he didn't. He's claustophobic and he took a lot of sedatives and drank quite a bit so that he could go through with it. While he did that, I ended up doing some reading on my "Crossfire" book. There were a couple of errors I'm going to have to fix, but nothing too major. Then I was talking to this one lady who was waiting for her son to get done with an MRI or CT. Then we started hearing this lullaby play. The woman at the desk told us everytime we heard it, it meant a baby had been born! I thought that was very cool! The sad thing is, Greg got done over an hour before we could pick up his meds. Eventually we went out to the car to sit. Then at about 20 minutes til midnight he went in and picked up his prescription for pain meds. I feel so bad for him though. He is in such pain with that knee. It has to be replaced. Something had to be stapled and something else that I can't remember. I was definitely happy when it was all over though. I got him home. He gave me a couple of percocets to help with my sleep and then I came home. I haven't finished reading through "Crossfire" yet, but I wanted to get this written. Plus, I'm tired and ready for bed.

As for tomorrow Greg said maybe there would be a Taco Bell lunch. That would be nice. But I have nothing else going. No class. No other plans. If Susan comes back with my card and my money I'm going to go pay my car insurance. It has to be there by the 25th. But I'll make it. I just wish my $50 check had come in. I thought it should have. It sucks! Oh well, it still might show up. If it did it would make my month! That would be nice.

Feeling Like a Roley Poley

Not much really went on today. I didn't go to class like I should have. My nose was and is giving me trouble so I had a hard time sleeping. So I just decided I'd sleep today. Plus I wanted to make sure I had enough fuel to get to my therapist and back. I ended up not waking up until 2:30pm or so. I was still tired, but I got myself up. Once I woke up, I took my meds and did some stuff in my room. I did steal about .80 cents from my mom. I shouldn't steal anything, but I wanted to get a drink from McDonald's on my way to therapy. Turned out I had enough in change to get a drink or two and enough for crickets this week. So as I was dressed and it got to be that time, I went and got my drink and headed to see Dr. Tess.

In his waiting room, I heard my cell phone beep to let me know I had gotten a text only I couldn't find my phone. I started looking through my purse and around me when Dr. Tess called me back. I figured it was in there somewhere so I let it go at that. I ended up talking a lot about going to Greg's because of Diana and how her coming out and me having to leave has made me feel. I don't like how it makes me feel, but Dr. Tess did point out it could be worse. She could be MOVING BACK! That would really be bad. So that kind of puts things in perspective. Plus it's just a month. There's part of me that's afraid if I move out they won't let me back in, but I don't know. I think that's just irrational on my part. It's the fact I don't trust Diana. It's as simple as that. Other than that we laughed about how the world is going to end on Saturday. What a load of crap. LOL! I told him about when I was in junior high and there were two things that had gone around my school - different years. One was that Southern California was going to fall into the ocean on a certain day. I thought it was a load of crap then and I was young! The other one is funnier. The planets were going to align (like they'd never done it before) and that the Earth was going to explode! LOL! I was like, well, if it happens I don't have to go to next class! That's kind of been my attitude about it. Plus, if you're a Christian, it says in the Bible no man shall know the day. And to be honest, 2012 is a little scary for me, but then I think about it if the Maya were so smart and could predict the future how come they didn't predict their own demise? Then Dr. Tess told me that from what he knew, the only reason the Maya Calendar didn't go further was they ran out of room on whatever rock or wall or whatever it had been written on. That made me feel even better. But this crap about Saturday . . . what a crock! LOL! Then I look through my purse as I'm getting ready to leave and I don't see my phone. I look around where I was sitting and in the waiting room. Nothing. I go to my car and pull out EVERYTHING from my purse and it's not there. I was almost frantic, but I knew my phone wouldn't have walked away. So I went back to the waiting room and checked the cushions on the couch again then I decided to look under the couch and BOOM! There is was! So that was my excitement for the day!

After that, I went to Greg's and he took me out to dinner. OMG! We went to Lido's, which I'd never been to before - I think. My dad might have taken us YEARS ago, like when I was a kid. Maybe. But Greg got us meatball pizza, he had a full order of canneloni. I had a full order of Lasanga. They came with salad and garlic bread. YUM!! Also got a few long island iced teas. I didn't eat everything. In fact, I wanted to make sure I had room for a cannoli and the cannoli was awesome. Even Greg took a bite or two and enjoyed it. He also ordered a full order or lasagna for Jordan. By the time I was done I was FULL! I felt like a weeble wobble or a Roley Poley! I felt like if I laid down I ccould be rolled like a ball! LOL! We then went back to his place and I watched "When in Rome" which is a great movie! I want it for my collection one of these days. 

So all is fine and good. I leave feeling pretty good. I make it all the way home without an issue. Get home. Get to my room. Turn on my TV . . . there's sound . . . BUT NO PICTURE!! My TV gave me no warning it was going to do that, so now I have to figure out what I'm going to do. I have to put the old TV back in here because my TV is now busted and I don't know where my other TV is, so I can't do anything about using the other one I have. Ugh! I am irritated, but at least I do have another TV I can use. It's my dad's old TV. It was giving me trouble too, but I have to have something. I am a TV addict.

Anyway, I really am irritated by the TV. I hope I sleep tonight without the TV. I can run my DVD, but I'll just be listening. Not watching. We'll see if that works or not. It's been awhile since I have slept in total darkness. It'll be intereting if nothing else. It's just so very aggravating. Guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.

    

Two For the Price of One

Looks like I get to write out two days for the price of one. I was so tired last night that writing a blog or email or anything was pretty much out of the question. There will always be those days every so often. I think I do need to go to the doctor though and see if I can't get a sleep study done. I am pretty sure I have sleep apnea because it doesn't matter. I am always tired. No matter how much sleep I get. I should make it a point to call the doctor tomorrow. Maybe I should write it on my hand or maybe my forehead so everyone around me can tell me - CALL YOUR DOCTOR! LOL! We'll see.

Tomorrow was a pretty good day. I was really tired though. More tired than I would have been. I got a call from Cassie at school to come pick her up. She was having jaw pain. I picked her up and found out that my phone wasn't working. Turned out neither was Cassie's, Susan's or Jason's. Turned out when they called to make arrangements on the bill, whoever it was, didn't put it down in the file so they shut off the phones. It eventually got resolved. Anyway, we got home and after a couple of phone calls with my mother's phone we went and had breakfast. Cassie actually made it for us. In fact, I hadn't asked her to make me anything. I just grabbed a yogurt. But she made me a grilled cheese sandwich. That was so sweet of her. But she likes to cook and especially anything with bread or tortillas and cheese. Simple and good. After that, we went into my room and listened to music and I started crocheting with Cassie's help. It started because Cassie found the little blue hook I had. I told her she could have a green skeen of yard and I asked her to pull out my projects. I found my hook in one project and the project I wanted was the next bag over. LOL! So we just talked and crocheted. It was awesome! I eventually had to leave so that I could make it to my RI class at Hearland. It was another awesome class. It's good to have that support and the example I gave was my anxiety over going to Greg's for a month. And though I have some anxiety about being with Greg at Greg's place a lot of it is the fact that I'm leaving my room, that I have to pack up my stuff and that basically I have to leave where I'm comfortable. Anyway, I would have been freaking out a lot more if I hadn't had the tools to tell myself to stop. That comfort is a want not a need. That fears are beliefs and beliefs can be changed. It really makes a difference.

Anyway, I thought for sure Cassie would be gone before I got home and I was so pleasantly surprised she was still there!! She was playing on the computer and we listened to music - hers and then mine. I went back to crocheting. We enjoyed each other until Susan came and picked her up. I loved spending that time with Cassie. It was awesome. After that I started re-heating chicken my mother had cooked the night before. I also fixed myself a salad, but Jordan didn't want one. Then while I was eating my salad I found out that the Exterminator had caught Big Momma. She'd also had little babies so he had to take them to Project Wildlife. Big Momma was relocated to Mission Trails Park. I don't think they caught Bandito though, so I'm sure there are still more racoons out there. However, with the traps gone Karissa can go outside now. 

After that, I chilled out to the TV. I watched "Chuck" and I believe it was the finale and it was AWESOME!! Morgan is going to be the new intersect! LOL! I can't wait for the next season. It's going to be the last, but at least they know that so they can wrap it up for everyone. I'm hoping at some point Sara gets pregnant. :-) Just so we can know she got the normal life she never thought she'd have. Then I just watched the end of something. Can't remember what. Then I watched "Sanctuary" which was also good. Nichola Tesla got re-vamped so to say. I have always loved the arrogant, yet funny and playful vampire. And I continued to love his character when he wasn't a vampire anymore. Now he's back! Can't wait to see what happens now!

I was so exhausted after that, but I was really craving sweets so Jordan and I went to Vons. Turned out they had a large sub sandwich and I decided to get it. I also got eclaires while Jordan got chocolate chip cookies. When we got home, we shared the sandwich. After we were done, I had thought about writing my journal and writing my Aussie - who wrote me a big, long email the other day! God, it's always so wonderful when I hear from him! But I was just too tired so I went to sleep. And it wasn't easy for me to go to sleep either. My mind just won't shut off. 

I ended up sleeping until about 11:30am. Greg was supposed to take me out to lunch as much as I wanted to, I didn't really think he would. To my surprise, he did!! I got dressed. Told him I was ready. He took me to this place called Longhorn Cafe. They serve 1/2 lb. burgers and boy are they good! And onion rings too! Big ones! But what was even better in some respects was the fact the place has a bar and the bartender really knows how to make a long island iced tea! It was so yummy! I hadn't had one done right in a very long time and Greg let me get four of them! Usually three would be enough for me. LOL! I was also really getting sleepy. I didn't think I could go to sleep, but as soon as I got home, I laid down in bed and went to sleep until my mom woke me up for dinner. Even at that point, I thought I might just eat and go back to sleep. But I stayed awake. I watched "The Chronicles of Riddick" on TV. It's one of my favorites. After that, I put on Discovery channel and watched repeats of "Deadliest Catch" until the new episode. They do go through greenhorns on deck.

But anyway, I am still keeping up with my stretches. I think I just watched something that will inspire me to keep it up. I don't want to get so heavy I can't leave my room or I can't get up and go shopping or see friends. But it's kind of why I don't use electric carts. If you stop walking for yourself your muscles will stop working so as much as I hate walking, I will walk around the store. I guess I have done some things right. I'm not as fat as I could be. But I am heavier than should be too. I'm just not ready to mess with my eating habits right now. It's one of my comforts and I'm just afraid I won't be able to eat what I want when I want. I think that will eventually stop and I'll get more serious. But for now, I'm going to do stretches everyday unless I really don't have ANY time or I'm seriously sick. I am committed to doing the stretches. Eventually everything else will fall into place.

Well, I wrote my Aussie again. I don't know when he'll get back to me, but I know he will and that's a good feeling. Anyway, I think it's time to wrap up. I'm tired and we'll see what tomorrow brings. I have class tomorrow though so that's something to look forward to.

Peace. Out! LOL!

A Sunday With My GOOD Family!

Today was another pretty good day, outside of being a bit sore from the stretches. But I have stretched for another day in a row. So far so good! It's because I "WANT" to do my stretches. Cool, huh?

Anyway, I woke up around noon, give or take 30 minutes. I then got coffee and did my stretches. I started doing my GRAPES, took my meds, went through some spirals looking for my hand-written version of "Crossfire" which I planned to finish reading and work on. After that, I headed over to Jason and Susan's because they invited me over for dinner. They did last night too, but I couldn't last night.

It was nice being over there. I got to spend time with Jason and Susan, but I really got to spend time with Cassie. Then I guess I was talking more than usual because Jason asked me if I was manic. LOL! I asked him if I were talking fast and he said after that, that he didn't think I was manic. I guess he's just not used to me talking that much anymore. Most of the time for the last year or so I haven't had much to say. But with the classes and working the tools everyday so far so good. But the real challenge will be when I have a really bad day. Hopefully I'll be able to really use the tools and cope. However, I hope I don't have to test it out anytime soon. But with Diana coming next month and me having to be elsewhere and out of my comfort zone . . . I don't know. I can see a lot of anxiety looming, but I'm hoping I keep it together. I mean, it's just one month right? Okay, well . . . we'll see what happens. But so far so good with the tools.

Anyway, Susan made chicken-fried steak with mashed potatoes and country gravy with corn on the cob. Then for dessert we had French Vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. Then Jason and I watched part of this show called "Killing of Bin Laden" and it was interesting. I could have watched more, if there had been more. But shortly after that I took my leave. I said goodnight and goodbye. Gave Cassie hugs and kisses. On the way home I got fuel for the car. I needed it badly. Then once I was home I pulled apart my corner because I had the wrong spiral for "Crossfire". I had the original draft - what I'd written of it though. What I needed was the second draft - the one I was typing up before my desktop computer took a dump. It took awhile to get through my corner, but I have it better organized now. It could be better and eventually I'm going to have to pack it all up anyway. It just sucks. I hate that I have to uproot my life because Diana is coming. I know my mom wants to work on my room, but this is really going to play havoc with me emotionally. Oh well, I might as well not stress on it now.

So all I did tonight after going through my corner was watch "Law and Order: Criminal Intent" and then "In Plain Sight." They were both great episodes. It's interesting to see Goran in therapy. And then the love story of this guy and the woman he has always loved (Since he was 9), only to remain her best friend. But eventually he tells her how he feels. She tells him how she feels and they live happily in Witsec ever after! LOL! That and I think Marshal is still in love with Mary. I think he always will be. I wonder what Mary would do about that! LOL! He's her best friend. After that, I took Jordan to the store and we each got a piece of cake and a soda. I shouldn't have probably, but it sure tasted good! And I also wrote to my Aussie. I'm waiting to hear back from him, but he does get busy. Still . . . I wish I'd hear from him more.

Oh and it was so funny! Just for fun, I rubbed some catnip into the corner of my bed and I got a great laugh watching Karissa rub and roll all over it and eventually lay down and enjoy. It was so funny! It brought a smile to my face.

Anyway, tomorrow I have class - Recovery International Group. It's a great group. Then I'll be trying to work on "Crossfire." There's not much else on the agenda. We'll just take it as it comes.

  

An Awesome Saturday!

I slept late today. I don't think I got up until about 1:30pm. My mom wanted me to take her to Walmart, but first she had made some spaghetti for an EARLY dinner. I mean dinner is not generally at 2:30pm! But it didn't stop me from eating. I had a big plate and I ended up being quite full. I'm not used to eating a lot when I first get up, but I knew I needed to eat. After that, Jordan pulled out hangers from my closet so that I could put my clothes on them then have Jordan hang them up for me. It got them off my bed and that's a good thing. Then my mom took a nap before we could go to Walmart. That was okay. It just left me with time to putter around my room, write out my GRAPES. I haven't really finished with it today yet. I'm going to do some meditating. It really wasn't that long before my mom woke up ready to go.

Walmart is always good. My mom and I always split up and then meet at McDonald's. She tells me a couple of things to grab for her along the way. Well, this time after grabbing the things she wanted, I decided to look in the $5 DVD bin because I've been trying to find "Fool's Gold." There was this woman there that was seriously digging through the DVDs so I asked her if she'd seen a copy. Well, she hadn't and after a few more minutes I gave up, went to McDonald's and got a soda. Then awhile later the woman found me and said she'd found a copy of the movie. She told me she had put it on the side of the pole, but I wasn't sure what she meant. But after my mom came and she ate while I had an ice cream cone, I told her I wanted to check something out and went back to the bin to see if I could find the movie.

Well, I didn't find it . . . There was this guy there and I was bemoaning the back I just couldn't find this movie. He suggested I make a pile of the movies and go through them one at a time, but I just didn't have the time. I told him I couldn't because of my mother. Again, I gave up and went back to my mom. After that, we headed to the back registers where the car was parked. Just as I was getting ready to get my things scanned the guy tracked me down and handed me my movie!! He said, "Told you we could find it." I thought that was so incredibly awesome! How often do you find one kind stranger, but to find two? I think I was definitely meant to get that movie today. LOL! It was just a really neat experience and I walked away with the movie I wanted!

After we got home, Jordan brought the stuff in from the car. He was happy. I got him a candy bar. :-P Then I got myself to do stretches again. That's three days in a row of "WANTING" to do stretches and doing them! Then some time after that Jordan brought me my computer back, but I didn't really have very much energy to do anything other than check a couple of sites. Then Jordan wanted to go to the store. He wanted more candy and I remembered that Vons was having a buy 2 get 2 free on some of their candy. Then I figured if we were going there, why not get a sandwich and chips? Of course, when we got there, there were no large subs. We had to make due with little sandwiches of which I bought us two each. I got us each a bag of chips and a soda. We still got the candy and I also got Eclaires. OMG! I forgot how good those were! Basically, we sat in the parking lot and ate. We brought home the chips and my candy. He ate his. But Jordan is a bit of a bottomless pit. He eats and eats and eats. 

Anyway, I found a new show I like!! "My Cat From Hell" and it's awesome. This show I can really get into because I'm a cat person and I can really impliment anything new I learn - if I can being that I'm not in my own house. But Karissa doesn't have any bad behaviors. She is loving and she talked . . . she's wonderful and I love my baby so much! But it's awesome to watch this guy work with families and their fur babies to end bad behavior and make everyone happy. GREAT show!

Okay, guess that's it for now. I am exhausted and am going to try to go to sleep. I won't hold my breath though. I lay down and my head starts working. I hate it, but it is what it is. However, I'm so tired that maybe I will fall asleep easily. That will be my hope.

  

Gonna Get Big Momma and Bandito!

I made it to my classes today which was a good thing. I didn't really get a lot out of them today, but I have a hard time with "I" statements with all kinds of components to them - when you . . . I feel . . . Why . . . what I want . . . I think think most people think of that at the spur of the moment unless you are seriously emmersed in the tool. I do try to use "I" statements when I do discuss things with people that are uncomfortable, but I don't sit there and think of each one of those things. I might work on it though, if I know there's going to be a discussion one way or another. We'll see. I guess I got something out of the classes after all! LOL!

Then I come home and find a strange guy walking into our yard carrying what looks like a container of bird seed. Turns out it was dry cat food. LOL! There were also traps in the front yard. Turned out that the racoons I've been seeing around the house made three holes in the neighbors roof and they put a hole in our roof! They are cute suckers, but when they start causing damage, it's time to go. It's okay though. This guy has a capture and release policy. Hopefully they will like their new home. But anyway, he put out two traps. He showed me how to open the traps in case we catch cats instead of racoons. I think I can reset it. At least I hope so. But he doesn't seem to think it'll take that long to get them. So looks like Big Momma and Bandito have to go. In some respects it's too bad. I liked watching them, and they're cute, but they definitely need to be caught and moved. And yes, I do know they can be very, very vicious when cornered or feel threatened. I'm not stupid. But I've always liked racoon. I just wish they weren't so destructive. Anyway, we'll see if we catch them in the morning. It would be kind of cool to catch Christopher though. Since he ran away we've all missed him. I won't hold my breath though. And poor Karissa is going crazy. She can't go out until this ordeal is over. However my mom said she can roam the house when I'm surpervising her. LOL! Go figure.

This afternoon I also called and made Cassie an appointment for a physical. I double-checked her appointment for Friday and got the address. Took my mom to Henry's to get some fruit and veggies and some Cayenne juice or oil or whatever it is for her lemonade. She also wanted peppermint oil because it's supposed to keep pests away. I don't mean racoons, but maybe! LOL! I also stopped at Vons on the way home to get some pork chops for dinner. I also have been wanting to try Neopolitan Klondike Bars and they had them! After dinner I tried one and enjoyed it quite a lot. I also wrote my Aussie though I haven't heard from him in the last couple of days. But he gets busy with work and family. I just hope he writes me tonight. I love to hear from him. It always makes my day. 

Then after dinner, I watched the newest episode of "Hawaii 5-0" on Hulu. Puttered around on the net. Watched "River Monsters" which I really enjoy. Jordan wanted me to watch "The Patriot" with him tonight, but I am just too tired to enjoy it, so I promised him I'd watch it with him tomorrow afternoon. I even wrote it down on my schedule, so I'm serious. I also finally took a shower. I'm not furry anymore! LOL! My arms and pits are furless! My legs are another matter, but taking the shower and doing what I did took a lot out of me. 

I was rather aggravated though. I lost most of this post and had to rewrite it because "Blogger" had maintenance and I didn't know. But I think I'm still doing okay rewriting. I think I'm still getting the points I got. Anyway, as I waited for "Blogger" to come back on, I went to my Yahoo account and posted a status of aggravating. LOL! Then I decided to upload Easter pix. I figured something that would take some time would be a good thing. Turns out it was. I hope it doesn't take too much longer to load up all the phones though. I think some of the cutes - outside of the ones with my daughter - were the ones of Karissa playing with a Cadbury Egg. LOL!

Okay, well, tomorrow I plan to go to classes and we'll see what we catch in the traps. With luck it will be Big Momma and Bandito. I just hope we don't get a skunk! LOL!

  

And We're Back!!

Well, I was more than a little aggravated last night because I couldn't write my nightly blog. My goal is to write one every night. Guess it won't be my fault this time! LOL! I'm glad Blogger is back in working mode now. Thank god!

Yesterday I went to my classes at Heartland. They were good. WRAP is always a great group. I like working on my Wellness Recovery Action Plan. Then after that was processn group. I can't remember what I shared about exactly, but I know I got a lot of positive feedback. Oh yeah, I talked about being a little depressed after Mother's Day. I got to see Cassie, but the next day I just couldn't get out of bed. Anyway, I was reassured that I was a good parent. But what was really, really good is that we had time after everyone shared so the couselor that runs the group taught us a new tool. It's called GRAPES. Each letter stands for something. G - Gentle to Yourself. R - Relaxation. A - Accomplishments. P - Pleasure. E - Exercise. S - Social. It's a list. You can write things down that you CAN do, or I'm using it as a list I'm going to try to accomplish every day. That way each day I am doing good things for myself. I started yesterday. Today I continued. I also got a good suggestion about dealing with exercise. I do stretches and it's kind of like I should. Well, someone suggested I change it to "I WANT to do stretches." So far so good. I have done my stretches two days in a row. I'll tell you, I'm doing half of what I was doing last and boy do I feel it. It's not horrible, but there is a definite ache. I also meditated. It was awesome! I use this CD called "Spirit Dreams" and I was getting images of Indians and Painted Horses. Little Indian girls. Golden meadows. A creek. It was definitely cool to let my mind just go with the music. I also did some deep breathing during that too so I know I was pretty calm by the time I was done. Then I wrote down some personal affirmations to be gentle to myself like "I am a good person,""I am a good parent,""I am worthwhile,""I am a good friend." I just need to say it to myself and BELIEVE IT. I might need to write them down everyday though to make it sink it. Accomplishments is easy. I always manage to complete something in the day. Social is the one I have the most difficult doing. At least when it comes to calling people. But I called my best friend, Nicole. We talked for a bit and that was good. As far as pleasure goes, I pet Karissa. I had Ben & Jerry's. I worked on GRAPES which was pleasurable. I hit all the points today. I felt good about it.

I did have one thing that was not so good today. Cassie had an appointment with a psychiatrist - an intake appointment. They ended up not seeing her because Medi-Cal fucked things up! They had some secondary insurance in her file that hasn't been on there for 5-7 YEARS! And suddenly it just pops up! I even remember getting a letter from that company and giving it to welfare! So I call the HMO. They give me the number to the welfare line. They give me a number for med-cal. Then they give me yet another number where I have to get an email address and email my problem. Then I guess I have to pray they get to it. Until then, I can't get my daughter medical help, I guess! So I'm PISSED! I haven't sent an email yet. I need to get the email address. I was too upset earlier to listen clearly to the message. There should be someone there to handle this shit, but because of budget cuts there isn't anyone. So I'm fucked as far as getting help for my Cassie. Nice, huh? God, I hate the government. They can vote themselves pay raises, but they have to fuck over those that have next to nothing. So basically today I got to waste time, waste fuel AND picked up Cassie early from school for NO REASON! Ugh!

Okay, that was my rant. I was happy to see Cassie one way or another. Plus, she was excited. Her and her friends were going to a concert tonight - 933 concert. It's the first concert she's been to with just friends. I think I was 14 or 15 when I went to my first concert that wasn't at the Del Mar Fair. But Cassie is fine. She even sent me a clip from the concert. It was so cool that I could be a part of her day and her excitement.

Anyway, I guess that's about it. I am tired and I'm going to try to go to sleep. I hope I do get to sleep. But I have a bad habit of my head turning on when I want it to turn off. But I'll hope I sleep easily. I'm just thankful Blogger is back online and that whatever was wrong was fixed. Yay. Now time for bed! 

A Little Excitement!

Today was a pretty quiet day for the most part. I slept until around 11:00am. Took my mom to get her blood taken for some tests. I went to Trader Joe's and got something to eat - a chicken cesare wrap with baked onion rings and water. I also got some chocolate peanut butter eggs. But I haven't gotten into them yet. Then after my mother was done, we ended up going to Denny's. Rather than a grand slam I got the sampler platter - well, the half one anyway. It was great, but another part of my tooth broke and the hard stuff tore up my gums a little. When we got home, I took a nap.

After that, my mom asked me if I'd take her to the store. We went to Albertson's. She got some fish and a couple of other things. I got a family sized cheese enchiladas dinner. I also got water and some temptations for dessert. By the time we got out of there I was down $37. But as I went to stop at Kahoots to get some crickets for Tubbie, I realized I'd left my purse back in the cart, like an idiot!! So I race back and the cart boy has it on top of the carts he's pushing in. I let him know it was mine and he gave it back. Everything was in it, but I couldn't believe I'd done it. That's what happens when I feel off. And I did feel off.

From there we went home. Fixed dinner. Watched some TV - "Deadliest Catch." It was after that when I was in my own room watching whatever was on while I play on the computer (wanted to play Happy Pets) when my mom asked if I could hear that. Turned out we were both hearing noises from upstairs. Clumping noises and scratches that sounded like they were at the door. My mom ended up calling the police. It took them a bit to get here, while I stayed on the phone with the dispatcher until they arrived. They went upstairs and found . . . NOTHING! Except a BIG white cat on the upstairs patio, but that didn't explain the scatching I heard or the loud noises either, I don't think. But either way, there was nothing up there. 

Now, I am exhausted and I need to go see Greg so he can help me with fuel. Guess I will bite the bullet and go, though I feel really on edge. But I'll survive. I always do. But what a day! Definitely a little excitement involved.

And So Comes the Fall

Well, I couldn't wake up this morning. I didn't want to wake up. I just kept going back to sleep. I blew off class today. I just didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to sleep and sleep. I guess I'm depressed. I think it's more than just the after affects of Mother's Day because Cassie is gone again. I think it's just this time a year. I miss my Dad and I'll be struggling with this until July at least. But I'm going to try to be proactive for the rest of this week. I'm going to try to get up, go to classes and do some writing. I don't feel like my writing is being effected this time. That's a plus. Usually I'd feel it when I think about my projects, but there's nothing blocking, so maybe something is going to go my way.

I didn't wake up until 5:00pm. Managed to eat a little dinner. Then I just watched TV - "NCIS" followed by "Chuck" and "Stargate Universe." I also managed to write to my Aussie and tell him about my day as boring as it was. Also how I was feeling and why. Also what my plans were for tomorrow. As much as I feel on the downside now I'm going to just try to combat it. I'm usually not very good at it, but I don't want to feel down. I have other things to be doing and I guess if I concentrate enough on that and less on the crappy stuff then maybe I'll feel better. I definitely want to work on my writing. Maybe when I finish reading "Crossfire" I'll start typing it up. Though I don't type as fast here and I did on my old computer. I didn't hit something that would screw up my cursor and where I was in my typing. I think I accidently hit the scroll pad or something. I do it less than I used to though. But it's a way to go forward. Then in July or August I want to buy myself a new copier/scanner. I can get one around $100. But I definitely need to make hard copies of my writing. I'll just need to figure out where to put the darn thing when I get it. Maybe I'll finally clean my corner for good and put it there. Not that I will know where to put anything I have in the corner. LOL! But next month is Brakes. I don't have a choice on that one. Money is going to be tighter than I want, but that's how it goes. At least I won't be completely broke immediately.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm getting up to take my mother to get blood tests and then we're going to go to Henry's. She wants to get this cayenne juice or something. There's something else too, but I don't remember. When I get home, I guess I'll just try to do some reading and editing for "Crossfire" and then maybe start typing. Or maybe I'll start re-reading what I have handwritten and continue from there. I'm just glad I have the desire to do it again.

Well, I kind of watched "Sanctuary" which if I really wanted to see all of it I'd stay up and watch the replay. However, I watched enough to know what the show was about and it was a decent episode about a Mothman. LOL! It was cool! I am pissed about one thing. They canned the idea of doing a movie for "Stargate: Universe" that would shore up the storyline! I know it didn't get the greatest ratings, but I LOVE the show! And how fair is it to the people that do love the show? So as far as I can say Syfy for MGM - whichever was responsible - they can kiss my ass. I want to know the end of the storyline!!

Guess I'd better close this ramble. With luck my Aussie will write me shortly and my medication will kick in and I'll go back to sleep. One can hope! And also hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Happy Mother's Day - Kinda . . .

Even though it's Mother's Day, I wasn't really keen on getting up. I was tired. But as soon as Cassie arrived I was up and ready. I also put on make-up which I haven't done in so very long. Cassie said she'd lost her make-up, but I knew where it was since it was in one of my drawers. So she put on make-up too. I ended up running to the store with Cassie so that we could get ground beef. My mom made my Dad's chili. I suppose that kind of got me a little down a bit too. I ALWAYS miss my dad on Mother's Day. Anyway, Cassie and I went to Vons. I went there because I needed to pull out cash and it wasn't $20. There they let you pick an amount which is awesome. I pulled out $12 and it was the PERFECT amount. I have .49 cents left. LOL! Anyway, I got the ground beef - very little fat and I grabbed three large coffee creamers. Then I got Cassie and I each a soda. After that, we went to Tru-Value and I got my mom three Ring Tomato Cages. They were on sale and I guess they're good for tomatoes to grow. I'm just looking forward to the tomatoes that will come.

Cassie and I got home and believe it or not, we took a nap. My brother Tim came over and he worked on some wood under my window. It was a lot of noise, but I still managed to sleep. Cassie definitely did. Then I got up and went to KFC without Cassie and bought two buckets of chicken. That's also what my mom wanted for Mother's Day. When I got back, I got Cassie who was awake and we started eating chicken. But when we went to eat the chili turned out we were out of sour cream. Needless to say there was yet another trip to the store. This time to Albertson's. I got a bottle of water, a bottle of green tea by Golden Peak and what was awesome was that there was a sale on cereal. They were $1.99 a box which is a great price! I even bought Cassie a box to take home with her. When we got back, we had our chili and it was good.

When dinner was over, we went to my room and hung out on the computer, listened to music. First we listened to her playlist for awhile, then I talked her into listening to Weird Al which was fun. I love his music. They're so funny! Time went by pretty fast. We talked and I watched her playing on the computer. Then she was handing me over the computer when Jason and Susan texted that they were there. They brought Cassie's spring portraits and I gave Cassie the money for them so that she can give the money to her PE teacher - the teacher responsible for the photos.

I kinda feel emotional. I have all day. I wouldn't say I'm depressed but I do feel a bit down. I felt like I was going to cry many times. Even now I feel that way. Sometimes I think it's even harder seeing her because then she leaves. And it's hard that as much as she loves me, which she said in her card to me (from Romeo too!). She said no one could replace me. I'd like to think so. But it's hard when I'm not with her. I love her so much. I don't know, I just miss her. I think that I wasn't a good mom, which still comes up for me. But I had to do something right. She loves me. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I just need some sleep.

What was really cool though, is I wrote my Aussie and he wrote me back! :-) I sent him a pic of me today and he like it. Said I was looking hot! Makes me feel great. He also shared with me about his weekend and it's the most he's ever said to me about his family. I love it! I love to know about him and what he does . . . what's going on in his life. He really knows how to make me feel special and that is a great feeling.

Anyway, all in all it was a good day. I guess I have to hold on to that. Think I'm going to go eat a piece of chicken and go to sleep.

Sinuses From Hell

I was supposed to go to a class today with Kimberly but I just couldn't get up. I was awake most of the night because my nose spray didn't work and I ws up with a fricken clogged up nose so I was so tired. Eventually I fell asleep and when Kim called I just couldn't get up. So I went back to sleep - breathing through my mouth and I am not a mouth breather. I would have kept sleeping if Jason hadn't have come over. I woke up, though reluctantly. Even now I'm still tired and have been dragging all day.

Anyway, Jason hung out with me for awhile. I can't remember what we talked about, but I do know that I gave him the Mother's Day Card to give to Susan. Susan and Cassie had gone to Walmart.

After Jason left I really didn't do too much. We were supposed to get together for dinner, but I really didn't feel up to it. In fact, I barely had enough energy to get to the store. And then most of what I bought were drinks. Two huge things of Gold Peak Tea - one sweet and one green tea. The Green tea is really good! I'd get it again! In fact, I might tomorrow. We'll see.

Basically I went to the store to get French Bread Pizza and lettuce for salad. I don't have the money to go out. Then my mom wanted blue cheese crumbles and I wanted Feta cheese crumbles so I grabbed little containers of those. But I really wanted something sweet for Mother's Day. They had all kinds of cakes and a huge cookie. I kind of wanted the cookie, but then I decided I was in a much more cakey mood. Cake seems to win out with me more than cookies usually anyway. Anyway, that was dinner and I still haven't had dessert yet, but I will get into it. There is no doubt about it. 

Anyway, I watched something really interesting on the history channel. There may be was a guy that survived Custar's Last Stand. It's a matter of how believable you think this guy was, but everything he said turned out to be accurate after years. He said he had enlisted under a different name, which I guess was pretty common back then. But to me, the story was very credible and I think it's very interesting that someone survived. Then I've been watching "Wyatt Earp" with Kevin Costner. So far so good. It started with him as a teenager and now he's in Dodge City. It was so sad about his first wife dying. 

I can't believe tomorrow is Mother's Day already. Cassie is coming home for the day so that makes me happy. My mom wants me to get a bucket of chicken from KFC and then these things called ring tomato cages. They're to help the tomato plants grow, I guess, and that's cool. Fresh tomatoes will be a good thing. As it is, we already got a couple strawberries off the strawberry plant. My mom gave them to me, too, which was very nice of her! I let Jordan pick out a card for me. I wanted at least one card even if I bought it myself. I know, sad. But Jordan did pick it out! :-) I think Cassie is going to be giving me a card too, and I look forward to that.

Anyway, I wouldn't say I'm depressed, but I have been a little down today. Like tired. And I've had some anxiety. Not sure what triggered it, but you know, around Mother's Day I do get a little down. That's what it is. I miss my dad. He's not here to plan anything. To take us out to breakfast . . . It's been 8 years and I still miss him every year at this time through July. Not that there aren't other times of the year, but I feel it more around this time. I wish he were still alive - alive and healthy, that is.

I'm also worried about Karissa. She's had a fur ball almost every day and today she seems to have thrown up liquid. But she isn't looking or acting sick. In fact, she has been doing her usual sleeping, eating and drinking... and talking! LOL! She just loves to talk when she gets in the mood! But I worry. I just can't lose her. I think she's the thing that keeps me sane. She's back sleeping again. 

Well, I'm going to go enjoy my little cake and finish watching this movie. Then I'm going to sleep. My nose spray has finally started working again. Yay! I just hope they don't clog up again and rob me of another night's sleep.    

Lazy Day

Today was a decent day. I am pretty convinced that I was in a hypomanic state the last few days. However I'm not depressed so things are good! In fact, after I got up and had some raisin toast and iced coffee I read over and edited "Crossfire" some more which I wouldn't have been able to do if things had completely reversed. So I think things are still going in a good direction. :-) Maybe at a calmer rate! LOL! It really must have taken a lot out of me though because today I have slept and slept. I got up around 10:00am because I didn't want to sleep all day, but by noon or 1:00pm I was out. Then I got up for a little bit. Had dinner. Crashed  out again! I did wake up in time to do dishes for my mom and I've been awake since then, but I'm still tired even now. I've also been really, really thirsty. But that's not really unusual. The only thing I can think of is that the not sleeping well that I was attributing to just being stressed out about my money was really a mini episode and a few days of that pace took a lot out of me. Who knows, maybe I'll go back to sleep shortly.

Anyway, other than that I've had a good time listening to the music CDs Denise made me a long time ago. They have a great mix of 80s and older music. So many of the songs take me back. It's cool! Makes me think of Ada, Nicky, Nicole, Denise, Margo . . . Things were never 100% easy between all of us all the time. Usually someone was upset with someone, but for the most part there were a lot of good times and this music was a backdrop for it.

Well, I decided I was going to go to Walmart tonight. I shouldn't have, but I did. :-P I needed to get vitamins, but I also ended up getting a 25 cent bag of sour peach marshmallows, cherry cheese danishes, two candy bars, a 2 lt. bottle of grape crush and then something for Jordan. I told him if I ever found "The Patriot" for him I'd buy it. Well, it was his lucky day. I found it in the $5 bin. I shouldn't have bought it. I really don't have the money now that I went on my spending spree, but I did promise him and I doubt I would have found it again. It was the only one I saw. I think he'll be happy when I give it to him.

Anyway, it's almost midnight. I'm going to take time to write My Aussie, though I haven't heard from him. But it's Saturday where he is and he's with his family. He'll write me when he gets back to work, I think. But he likes it when I share my day with him. And I love that fact. It makes me feel closer to him too. And I'm going to listen to music for a bit and then maybe I'll go to sleep again. Outside of feeling like sleeping beauty it really was a pretty decent day! :-)

Another GREAT Day!! :-D

What can I say? I'm STILL feeling fantastic and I LOVE it!! I hope I stay like this for a long time! I just hope I'm not hypomanic because then there will be a crash. But I'm just going to take it one day at a time and hope it lasts and lasts! I think if I keep going to classes at Heartland, continue my writing and stay in touch with friends I think I'll be good! I hope so anyway! I'm going to think positive!

I woke up today very tired, but I got myself up, got dressed, took my morning meds, of course, and then got my coffee and headed to class. Today was WRAP group (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) which is one of my favorite groups. It helps you understand your triggers and symptoms so that you can try to get yourself from sliding down into a crisis, BUT it also helps you come up with a plan for when you do start going into crisis, should it happen. It's just an awesome group! Then after that was Process Group - essentially Group Therapy. It's okay. I don't get that much out of that class, but to be with Kimberly and David was nice - Susan (from class) too, though we haven't really talked, but I like her. After that I went home because my mom needed to mail some stuff off to my sister - See's Candy and some magazines I guess. I don't really know and don't really care. After that, I took my mom home, picked up Jordan and then went to the bank. MY money was FINALLY THERE!!! Yay!! So I pulled out $200. $120 I set aside for my mother. I set aside $48 for Cassie's school spring portraits. The rest I used to get Jordan some lunch, got me a drink, got dinner for my mom, me and Jordan and put some fuel in the tank.

Anyway, we went to Walmart and I had my list with me so I'd remember everything like laundry detergent, dish soap, dryer sheets, blue toilet tabs, toilet paper, reynolds wrap. Then I had to get razors, nose sprays, a folder, two year mini planner, mother's Day cards (one for my mom and one for Susan). I also got the duct tape I've been needing and I FINALLY got new make-up!! I also got body spray - cotton candy scented. Love it!! I did spend a lot on myself today, but the make-up I need for occasions. Then I also got a boom box. My mother wasn't upset over it which I thought she would be. But instead she just wants me to make sure I have plenty of batteries for an emergency. So later this month I'll spend $6 and get 12 batteries. Then, of course, I had to get DVDs. I got "Assassins" for $5. "Angels & Demons" for $10. Got "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1" for $15 and the Original "Tron" for $20. That's a lot for movies, but I think I spent about the same amount last month. Oh, and I got Karissa a scratching pad, treats and a special rememdy for fur balls. I need to give it to her like twice a week and it's supposed to help with furballs. She's had a couple lately so it's a good thing. I know I got a couple more things, I think, but that was the jist of it. Oh yeah, a tub of Redvines for Jordan (though he's sharing) and some Easter candy that's now 75% off and Hershey's cookies and milk chocolate! Just had to try it because I'm not a huge fan of white chocolate, but to have cookies in chocolate . . . Well, I haven't had it yet, but I will.

Anyway, I know I'm feeling good and I'm a little worried that it might be hypomania because I'm actually cleaning up my room! LOL! I have been throwing things away, putting some things away. I packed up CDs I don't listen to. And I've been listening to these CDs my ex-friend Denise made for me years ago. If I say nothing else good about her, I have this - she had good taste in music! So much of it has been a blast from the past too! LOL! It's like stepping back into my teens hanging out with my friends and stuff. It's awesome! So I can say that for her. Anyway, back to my room. I took out this big vase thing that had glass flowers in it. It was pretty and all, but all it was doing was taking up space on my dresser and I'd never cared about it either way. So I cleared off the stuff on it and took it out to my mom. It was hers anyway. Then I arranged my photos over there and they look pretty good and if I wanted I could probably add maybe a pic or two.

Man I'm getting a little tired now. But it's a good tired, I think. My room still looks a mess, but it is looking better. I need to find a place to put a couple more items I don't want getting lost - like Cassie's Kindergarten Memories book that she made way back when. I'm sure I'll find a place. Then Jordan and I watched "Angels & Demons" and it was pretty good. It's not as good as "The Da Vinci Code" but it was good! Then I also got Jordan a Metallica CD which Jason thought was awesome. He's going to try to get Jordan some of the other CDs the group put out. I think that's cool. I just feel like I've gotten a lot done today and it's great! I feel like I really accomplished something, you know?

Now I'm going to see if I can pick up my meds and then come home and go to sleep. I am really starting to feel just how tired I am! LOL! Hopefully I sleep well tonight.

Sleepy But Great!!!

Today is another happy day for me which is awesome!! I was disappointed because my money still hasn't come in. I checked at midnight. I checked at 1:30am and then this afternoon. Nothing, nothing, nothing . . . I finally called to find out what the hold up was. Apparently my case was still frozen!! Ugh! But the woman I spoke with (her name was Laura) was very nice and helpful and authorized my money. I won't get it until tomorrow, but I'll FINALLY have it! I'm looking forward to shopping. I'm not going to go crazy - I have a list. But I am excited - especially about getting make-up! LOL! I know, go figure. It's not like I wear make-up often. But I want the option!! 

Anyway, I got up at 9:00am. Thought class was at 9:30am for some reason. I almost didn't go, but I finally got up and went. Of course, I was half an hour late! :-P But they didn't mind. The only time they do mind is in process group. But that's group therapy. You don't want people walking in and out with that kind of group. 

I was going to stay for Cognitive Therapy, but I got a call from the school nurse. She said Cassie was tired and not feeling well and she was going to send her home. So I went and picked her up. Her and I were both exhausted so we laid down for a little bit. Neither of us slept, but we just relaxed. Then after awhile she got my laptop from Jordan so I could show her a picture of Kate Middleton's wedding dress and then the pic of Osama bin Laden with the red x on his forehead with "Hide and Seek Champion 2001-2011" and she thought it was funny. Then she shared some funny stuff people were posting about Osama bin Laden. Most if them making fun of the fact that he was buried at sea like "Guest Star on Little Mermaid - Osama bin Laden!" I don't think that was quite right, but something like that. Wish I could remember them because they made me laugh. Cassie didn't stay too terribly long, but I enjoyed the time we had. Then I called Susan to make sure she wasn't angry with Cassie and we got to talking and even she said that she was happy to see me like my old self again! It's awesome people notice. I really feel so great! 

After that I took a little nap and woke up in time to get money from my mom (I'm paying her back tomorrow). That way I could go to McDonald's and get a Diet Dr. Pepper. I also got two pies for a dollar. It was a nice treat. But also I needed to get Borax for my mom on the way home from therapy.

Therapy was great! I got to gush about how I was feeling and what I was doing. Also the stuff that was a bummer, but I wasn't that unhappy about anything. The most I can say is stressed and just tired. Even now I'm very exhausted and plan to go to sleep by 9:00pm, I think. Maybe . . . I am just so tired! But so happy and it's so good to say that!! I love this feeling and I haven't truly had it in so long!! I haven't worked on my stories today, but when I'm this tired my brain doesn't function well for writing. But I got to tell him my ideas and how thrilled I was to go back to my original writing. It's really like a door was opened and I had access to that passionate part of my mind again! It really is awesome!

I went to Walmart for the Borax. Turned out it wasn't there. They didn't have any. However, they did have chocolate covered marshmallow Easter candy on sale for 50 cents and 25 cents per container! I couldn't resist getting some! So after that I went to Albertson's. I got a bottle of water and found the Borax. I had to pee and didn't want to use the bathroom there. Not for any particular reason. I just get weird about it sometimes and today was one of those days. So I paid for my stuff and got the hell outta there and go home. I was REALLY happy when I got into the house and to the bathroom. LOL! When I got out of there I was treated to a Steak Dinner!!! YUM!!! It was so good! And the steak was huge! I definitely enjoyed it. Afterwards I put my plate in the sink, putting away clean dishes and put the last steak and corn on the cob away.

The last things on my list were writing to my Aussie! Which I did! In fact, he wrote me back last night and it was awesome! I love to hear from him. Even if it's just a hello, he makes me smile and last night was a little longer than that, but not a full on email. He just didn't have the time. But God I love to hear from him!! My heart beats just a little faster and my smile gets a little brighter when I see his name in my inbox! Then I wanted to write this. After that, I'm just going to take my night meds and watch the "Fact or Faked" marathon. But mostly I want to sleep. Tomorrow I'll have my money. I'll be able to go shopping. Hopefully I'll hear from my beloved Aussie and maybe I'll get more writing done.

Anyway, that's the story and I'm sticking to it! LOL!

Tired and Stressed

I didn't sleep well last night. I took medication and it backfired. Just love it when that happens! NOT!! But I told Jordan to wake me up at 9:00am, but I think I ended up sleeping until 10:00am. After that I made my coffee and went to the bank to check my balance and . . . my money wasn't in yet. UGH!!! So I went back home. I ended up laying down and taking a nap.

After I got up, I went to the bank again - this time with my mom - and my money . . . . drum roll . . . Still wasn't IN!! So my mom had me take her to her bank where she cashed a $17 check and gave me the money for fuel. So if I don't get my money, I have fuel to get to class tomorrow and to my therapist. From there my mom wanted to go to Wendy's. She treated us to fish sandwich combos. It was so good! I love fish sandwiches and Wendy's is pretty good! On the way out we got Jordan a couple of Double Stackers. My mom had saved a bunch of her fries for him and we filled up her cup with Dr. Pepper so he'd have a drink. I think that was pretty good! He actually got up and ate without an attitude. 

My mom also told me today that she's going to not take rent from me anymore!! Isn't that awesome?? I'll have money! I'll be able to cover my gas for the month! I'll be able to get my brakes done next month! I can get make-up which I thought I wasn't going to be able to do this month. I do have to pay my mom $50 this month, but $30 goes to my gym membership and the $20 is for fuel that she's given me. I am just so thankful. But I also think my mom is just getting tired. She wants me to be more active in the house - make dinner for Jordan and I. She wants to go on a diet so she wants to just cook for herself. I don't mind. I think Jordan will be more willing to wash dishes if I cook. It's just because my mother really does just expect everyone to go "What can I do for you?" or just magically know what should be done. Some things seem obvious, but not to us. See, I try to say please and thank you and just that goes a long way. It's that attitude of "You should do this for me just because" - the sense of entitlement she has. People don't WANT to do something for people that have that kind of attitude. I didn't when I was a kid and my kids are like me. Treat me with respect I'll do it. Want to have the attitude that I should do this because you deserve it isn't a winning strategy.

Then my mother threw me another curve ball. Diana is coming to visit in June and she doesn't want me here because Diana and I fight. Correction - SHE picks fights with me!! I told my mother that and she doesn't want to talk about it. Obviously Diana must be the one in the right. I have a place I can go - Greg's. But I don't know. I hate the fact that I'm being kicked out of my own house because of that bitch. That I have to leave my cat behind because I don't want to risk her getting lose and running away or getting killed by Greg's dog. The big one that really needs to be somewhere else is Jordan. Diana and Jordan both rub each other the wrong way. Then Jason had to point out that she's probably going to spend the month telling mom to kick us out. But you know, there's nothing I can do about it. I can't control people. I can only control myself. I am feeling anxiety though. I'm trying to keep myself in check so I don't wig out, but it is stressful. However, I can only do what I can do. We'll see what happens.

Anyway, I laid down a little more with Karissa, but could only do that for so long. I then started working on my schedule. I'm finally in December, which I think is great! I watched the new episode of "Deadliest Catch", half of "Serenity." I also wrote to My Aussie!! And he wrote me back already!!! :-D So I'm pretty happy. But god knows I'm tired! LOL! However, I'm going to make it to midnight so I can go to the bank and check my balance once more. If the money is in, I might head to Walmart before going to sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day but if my money is in, it will be well worth it!

Feeling Pretty Good!

Today has been a pretty good day! I woke up not really wanting to get up, but my mom encouraged me to go to class, so I did. I got up, got dressed, got my coffee and headed to the car. I got there right on time. Though everyone else was on the late side. That was cool. I didn't mind. But then we spent half the time filling out a survey, which kind of sucked. But other than that it was a great class. We ran over time, but I think that's because we had to do those surveys so everyone had a chance to talk. I talked about a thought intrusion I had the other night where I just suddenly wanted to cut on my arms. I'm not sure what had triggered it, but it intruded on me while I was trying to sleep. That's when the thought intrusions come out the most. Anyway, we talked about tools to use to deal with them when they come. I was supposed to call Kimberly tonight, but I forgot like an idiot so I'm going to try to remember tomorrow.

After that I came home and got online for awhile. I took care of my Happy Aquarium and then took some quizzes. But I also put on music for a bit too.

I also started reading and editing "Crossfire" again and I'm about half way through what I typed up. Soon I'll have to find my handwritten copy, read that and continue it. My passion for continuing hasn't died down and no anxiety so I think so far so good with my return to my original stories - my true passion. I love how I created Rachel and Kamal, though I might have to change a couple of things. I need Rachel to be a little stronger I think. Or maybe what I have on her will work since I have an idea of her protecting Leila. She's courageous when it comes to protecting other people. She's just not so good at sticking up for herself. She's actually kind of timid in some respects - especially out of her element. Anyway, it's good to be back, you know?

Outside of that I just puttered on the computer more. Had dinner - interesting mix of things. There was ramen, Ravioli and hotdogs, but it all tasted good. Then I came back to my room and started working on my schedule. I'm almost to December of this year. I'll have to get a new pocket calendar. One more thing for a very growing list. I'm not sure I'm going to have the money for everything I want and need. That will suck if I run out of money. I tried to do some figuring, but it's not always easy. Plus, I don't have any firm prices to go by. Hope I over estimated a few things. But I want to get some make-up, only I don't know if I have enough to get everything I need. Guess we'll see.

Then tonight as I was working on my schedule again, I watched "Chuck" which was awesome. Chuck finally told Ellie he was still a spy AND that he was the intersect. After that I watched "Stargate: Universe" which was interesting - they had to go to a blue giant star to avoid the drones only because of the temperature the ship was have they had to have everyone gate to a nearby world. Well, turns out they had people on it and the drones had destroyed the place. It was very interesting, indeed! The last show I watched was "Sanctuary" and that had Will morphing into some kind of lizard-like creature. Of course, Magnus saved the day! Still love the show! I'm starting to enjoy Mondays, though the Series Finale of "Stargate: Universe" is next week. THAT sucks.

Well, it's just about 25 minutes to midnight. I'm seriously considering getting dressed and going to Walmart to do my shopping. I could do it tomorrow, but I like shopping late. It's a little less crowded, but sometimes the lines are longer when they only have one register up. But usually it's not that bad. Guess I still have time to decide.

I'm just happy I'm feeling better and more positive. That my writing really does seem to be back for real this time. I just hope this lasts. It would be wonderful if it does. :-) 

Osama bin Laden is Dead!!

I can't believe it. After almost 10 years that son-of-a-bitch is dead! I wish it would have happened sooner, but the fact that he's finally dead is so wonderful! I kind of question myself being so happy a human being is dead, but he killed so many people all over the world. If anyone deserved to die it was HIM! It's funny how I thought about him the other day and wondered if he were dead or alive. Just a thought out of the blue. And I am so happy that the answer is DEAD!

I remember how I found out the planes had flown into the twin towers. Jason had called me. I was in the process of getting Jordan ready for school. He called and said a plane flew into the one of the twin towers. Or maybe he said both. But either way, I didn't believe him at first. I literally asked him if he was pulling my leg. That's when he told me to turn on the TV . . . I got Jordan out the door and turned on the TV. The horror was there for all to see. I couldn't believe it. I watched the images of the airplanes crashing into the twin towers. The towers fall . . . I heard about all the people, firemen, police officers . . . that were dead. It was horrible. All I wanted to hear back then was that this bastard was dead.

Eventually I had to stop watching the news. It caused my illness to get worse because I was obsessing. I started not really sleeping. I was always on edge. I don't know. It just seemed to be the center of my attention (except for the kids, of course). My therapist at the time told me I needed to stop watching the news so I did. For years I couldn't watch anything about 9/11 without getting symptoms. Finally about a year or two ago I was finally able to watch documentaries about it. I still won't watch the movies made about the event though. But knowing that Osama bin Laden is finally dead in some respects brings relief. He's dead. He, personally, can't hurt anyone anymore.

Outside of that wonderful news, not much else went on today. I slept a lot. I edited a little of "Assassin's Seduction" and "Crossfire." Especially "Crossfire" so I can get through what I have and start working on it again. It's pretty damn good, if I say so myself! Then after the big announcement about Osama bin Laden I watched the premiere of "Law and Order: Criminal Intent" where Goran and Amse are back. It was an awesome episode too. It was a definite who-done-it until the end. Then I watched the premiere of "In Plain Sight" where Mary's sister is suspected of helping in a 6-car car theft. Mary and Marshal with a help of a protected witness got to the bottom of it. Another great episode.

So between getting some editing done and watching two of my shows premiere and heard that Osama bin Laden was dead, it's been a pretty good day!! :-D