Panic Attack

Today has definitely been a stressful day. I spent most of it sleeping, but it's because of stress and not wanting to wake up. Literally, it's the last day before my lovely sister Diana is coming to visit and I am just dreading it. I thought maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I got Jordan to stay somewhere else. Well, I did that. He's at Tim's. But I don't feel much better. I am still just freaking out and I hate it. It is wearing me down physically and mentally. I am constantly feeling tired. I didn't get up until almost 5:00pm and for much of that time I was fighting off anxiety - my stomach has been turning over and over. I have been shaking on and off. I worry that anything out of place is going to give her a hissy fit. Like my clothes are in the family room. I didn't bring them into my room because I just have no place to put them yet, but I could see her getting on my ass about it. And about how the cat is inside the house now. And the fact that my mother has now put the cat's food somewhere I can't get to it, so I'll have to ask her to get the food for me. Just another thing for her to freak out on me for. 

I know this might just be my mind making things out to be the worst case senario and I can't really know how she's going to act, but my body and mind can't seem to get past how she's treated me before. I can't see how she would have changed much. But I suppose you never know. But I am still dreading her arrival. It sucks to feel this way.

Outside of that I have been really depressed too. I think that's also from her arrival, plus not even having Jordan here and just feeling like I have to be on guard all the time now. 

I did spend several hours on Cafemom putting up more stuff in the groups. Someone actually participated in Moms Without Their Children, which was nice for a change. I was beginning to think no one was ever going to do anything. Kind of like "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" group. I have three other members besides myself and so far I'm the only one posting. Of course, I don't mind too much. I just want to be able to have this group get bigger and better. Maybe eventually people will start participating.

Anyway, I picked up some medication tonight. One of which was ativan. God knows I'll be living off them this month. I also grabbed green tea and a Ben & Jerry's ice cream - cake batter. It was pretty good. I should have gotten Red Velvet cake. Next time I will. I watched "Haunted Collector" which was pretty good. And now I'll take my meds and maybe sleep again. God knows I don't really want to stay up.