5-hour Energy Nap??

Surprise, surprise, I slept like crap last night! LOL! I wasn't going to get up at 8:15am, but Susan called about taking Cassie to the doctor. So I decide I'll get up and go to the gym. I did drink down a 5-hour energy though I don't like to do two days in a row. As an example, I ended up taking a nap this afternoon. It just becomes ineffective quickly in my body if I use it every day. In fact, I might have to go to every few days.Anyway, I wrote a note giving Susan the go-ahead to get my Cassie medical help. I was worried that she might have a small fracture, but as it turned out - after they went to Children's Hospital ER - that she just had a really bad sprain again. Sometimes I wonder about my child. This year has been a lot of sprains and strains.

I went to the gym and made it in time for the water aerobics class. The water in the pool, though, was JUST a bit chilly. LOL! That was the first time I thought the pool was actually cold. They said it was only a couple of degrees off normal, but I can pretty much say NOT!!! I made it through the class fine though and got a good work-out. As a neat little tidbit, the instructor told us because we were cold that we were burning even more calories. Not that I would want to stay cold, but at least I got something good out of it since I couldn't control it. LOL! I was also going to swim my laps, but before I could pick a lane, they were pretty much taken. Not that I couldn't have pushed the issue and taken a lane since I was in the water, but the thought of the nice, warm spa was too inviting. I got out and got in the spa and stayed there way too long. I was in there for like half an hour! LOL! Needless to say after that I sat down through most of my shower. I personally thought I did pretty good washing off, but the rashes came back almost immediately and I am so itchy. That is the one BIG THING I hate about going into that pool. I get this stupid reaction. I know I haven't gone to the doctor yet, but I don't think there's anything he can do about this except give me a cream and who knows if it'd work. Guess I should try it though. The doctor might be able to help, I suppose. This iching SUCKS!!!

When I came home, I checked in with my mom. I ate a piece of French Toast I found. I then went into my room. Jordan had my laptop so I couldn't play on the computer, but what really mattered is that I was exhausted anyway. I decided I would finish reading "The Surgeon" which was awesome! Though I was a little disappointed that we didn't see a lead in to "The Apprentice" - to see Hoyt's desires shift from Cordell to Rizzoli. That would have tied it together perfectly for me. Either way, it was a FANTASTIC book!

An old episode of "Destination Truth" came on so I kind of watched that. Then "Face/Off" came on as a marathon. I knew that was because of the finale tonight. I was so looking forward to it! But as I was watching I fell asleep. So the 5-hour energy was a FAIL today. It did get me to the gym though, so not a complete fail. My mom was upset because no one had done anything, but I told her I was tired. I guess when she found me sleeping she got concerned. I don't take naps easily. I just don't. So she said I should go see the doctor and have my heart checked because Dr. Oz said that if you're tired for over a week it might be a sign that your heart isn't functioning properly. I don't put a lot of stock in Dr. Oz but my mother does, so I've taken that under advisement. Maybe I'll make that appointment tomorrow.

My mom finally woke me when it was time to eat dinner. It wasn't anything special. Just hot dogs and baked beans, but that's good enough for me. After that, I just watched "Face/Off", scratched Jordan's back and had him scratch mine. LOL! Then he gave me the laptop back so I puttered on there for awhile. I went to Facebook and checked on my Happy Aquarium. I got a Happy St. Patrick's Day sign and I did get a baby alligator, but it seemed to disappear, which sucked. I also played on Happy Pets and bought a Shamrock Bunny. I like bunnies better than ducks. I love all my pets! Named the bunny Patrick. :-D

Okay, I am still tired. I watched the new episode of "Ghost Hunters" where they heard conversations and a door opened and closed on it's own right in front of Steve and Tango. It was trippy. Then after that was the finale of "Face/Off!" It was FANTASTIC! OMG! The work put into the finale was incredible. Each of the last four had to pick from a set of fairytales and themes. My favorite was Tate's Post Apocalyptic "Little Red Riding Hood!" LOL! Gauge picked "Hansel and Gretel" with Industrial theme. Sam did Psychedelic "Little Mermaid" and last of all Connor did Haunted "The Frog Prince." I would try to capture what they did in words, but it wouldn't do it justice. I also like the fact that there will be a season 2. They are already looking for people! Awesome!

Anyway, I am still tired. Think I might get something to eat and then go back to sleep. I guess my body could only take being tired for so long. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel clear-headed enough to do some writing. That would be a good thing. Got to start replacing what I lost. That still sucks I lost stuff, but it is what it is. Just gotta get a flash drive. That will solve the problem permanently.

As for tomorrow, it's St. Patrick's Day!!! Yay!! I might try to get some food coloring and I have lemon-lime soda - so green soda!! I also have my pins and the head boppers! My mom should be making corned beef and cabbage - YUM! I do really enjoy today though I can't tell you why. Maybe it's just the feeling of belonging in the world on that day. I know that kind of sounds crazy, but it's about people. Kiss me I'm Irish! Pinch you if you don't wear green! So I look forward to tomorrow. Even if I don't do much. I just love it!

So now it's off to snack and sleep. Maybe I'll dream about my dad again. I did earlier. That he was alive and then not alive. But I dreamed about him. I miss him. Okay, I've blabbered enough!

Even a 5-hour Energy Couldn't Help!

I don't know what I did wrong, but man am I tired!! I was originally going to wake up around 8:15am. That didn't work so I reset the alarm  but my mother came in and so I woke up around 9:30am. I figured I shouldn't sleep too much longer. I got dressed, took my meds. I even took a 5-hour energy because I was just super exhausted when I woke up. I didn't sleep well last night. LOL! I suppose I say that every day . . . Ah well! It is what it is.

Anyway, I took off out of the house at around 10:15am. I had an appointment at 11:00am to get the laptop fixed. I also left the house without my phone AND the address, though I was sure I would know how to get there. I was right. I did. The place is easy to find. It's just off the express way. Anyway, they did everything they could to try to save my files, but ultimately I had to give them up so that the computer could be wiped. It sucked. I hated that I had to lose them, but I have "The Black Cat" because I sent myself a copy via email. Thank god I did! That's 16 pages I don't have to figure out how to rewrite. But I lost "The Protector" and "Dragon Destiny." However those didn't have much written. In fact, there were two other things I had started more from emotion than anything else and was typing up something I'd written by  hand. None of it added up to too many pages and I'm trying to look at it this way. The second time around usually comes out sounding better for some reason. :-)

As they took care of my computer, I just found a place to sit down and read more of "The Surgeon." The story is really speeding up. We just got the name of the serial killer after Dr. Cordell. I can't wait to see how it all comes out, but I'm not reading tonight. LOL! I am hoping I sleep easy tonight. I can dream! LOL! I feel like I barely made it into the house, but I had to go back out to mail bills. I tried to get Jordan to go with me, but he wouldn't so I ended up getting myself a diet Dr. Pepper from McDonald's just for me! I also stopped at Albertson's deciding to get several little spiral pads of paper to take notes on my different stories. That way I always have a place to write on the stories.  

When I got back I played on my once again functioning laptop until my mother wanted me to go to the store. So I picked myself up, though I didn't want to, and went back to the store. I got her minestrone and New England Clam Chowder soups she wanted. I also got lettuce, Italian dressing for Jordan, some sourdough bread from the clearance rack along with a Julian Apple Pie! They are usually $15 a piece and I got one for under $5! It was a deal for sure! Then I was really bad and got more Ben and Jerry's. I got Jordan his Chocolate Fudge Brownie while I tried the new Clusterfluff. It was good, but the little clusters really didn't taste that great. Loved the peanut butter ice cream though. Yum! But by the time I got home, I could barely get out of the car. I remembered to take my phone that time so I called and had Jordan come out to take the bags. I also had him put things away while I got our French Bread Pizzas into the oven. That was our dinner, pizza with salad. 

Jordan and I had been watching "Man on Fire" while we ate dinner and then after dinner we had a little bit of a tickle war. I know, he's 19 years old and we can stay play around. Plus, he loves to startle me, so he pretended he was launching himself at me like he was going to ram into me! LOL! Of course, I flinch and he starts laughing as he hugs me. It's cool. I'm glad I have a good relationship with him for the most part. After dinner, I went back to my room to watch the rest of "Man on Fire" with my Ben and Jerry's. After that I watched "Dirty Jobs," which I love. It is one of the best shows ever! Though tonight was a repeat, but you know, I watch all the repeats too! That's how much I love this show! LOL!

Now it's almost 10:00pm and I am so tired. I think I need to take my meds and try to go to sleep. I have had a productive, long day, but now it's time for the day to end, I think. Sleep . . . Sleep . . . Sleep . . . . ZZZzzzzzzz . . .

Frustration Mounting

I am so aggravated! My laptop is down. I can't even get it past a blue screen. It won't load up on safe mode. It gives me some error that one of the files is corrupt. So basically, I get to pay $50 to get it fixed tomorrow and until then I get to use this crappy-ass desk top that has so many problems with it. I don't even know what's wrong with it except that over time it's dealt with a lot of errors and stuff. Maybe it has a couple of viruses for all I know. But the thing is, my laptop has ALL of my recent writing! Because I don't have a printer than can hook up to it, I have NO hard copies! It's horrifying thinking I might lose everything again. I don't know what's going to happen, but I hope they are able to save my files. I'm pretty sure they can, but it's a guess and I don't like guessing.

My mom and I almost game to heads when I asked her for the money. She pitched a bitch and then when she found out I was going to borrow it from Jason and Susan, she turned around, told me to use my money for it and she'll pay my car insurance this month. Of course, I have to pay her back next month, but to have my computer it's worth it. It'll suck that I have less money, but I have to have my computer.

Other than that, I didn't do much today. I slept late again. I didn't make it to the gym. This time I have a good reason. My body is still hurting and I don't know why it's hurting. It's all through my back, hips and legs. I was almost crying this morning. So anyway, I just slept. I don't remember to what time but it was definitely earlier than yesterday. Maybe it was an hour earlier or I take that back - two hours earlier. I think I woke up at around 1:00pm today. At least it wasn't 3:00pm. And tomorrow I am getting up at 8:15am. I'll take a 5-hour energy and be ready to take my laptop in. The appointment is for 11:00am. I am NOT missing that appointment for anything. Not unless one of the kids were dying or something.

I did go shopping today. Since my mom still feels like crap, I went and bought Stouffer's french bread pizzas. They were so good. Wish I would have bought more lettuce so we could have had a salad. My mom didn't want anything. I also grabbed the new Ben & Jerry's Velvet cake take off. It was yummy! I was going to share it with Jordan, but he wants nothing to do with it. I might get him one and me another one. LOL! But we'll see.

I think the ativan is starting to kick in a bit. That's a good thing. Tonight I just kicked back and watched the movie "Red" which was great!! What a fantastic cast and the story was fun! Then I watched "Being Human" which was a really emotional story. Aiden had to kill this little boy that his girlfriend had turned into a vampire. He loved that boy too. Josh was having problems with his girlfriend Nora because he's way over cautious, but he finally told her that the problem was him and that he'd hurt his family and that he didn't want to hurt her. She showed her abdomen which looked so scarred and immediately John was in protective mode telling her he would protect her from stuff and people like that. Awwww . . . I really like the show. Then I watched "Hawaii 5-0" which is equally as awesome! This time they were dealing with a serial killer! First they had to figure that part out because the murders were on other islands. But there's always the MO. Only this time a woman survived. Her husband dead, but she got away before the whacko could mutilate her. Awesome, Awesome!

Now I guess I'll try Happy Aquarium one more time before going to bed. But at least I was able to write my journal. Thank god for that.

Decently Good!!

I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to start waking up early again. But tomorrow I'm setting the alarm and hopefully I'll wake up in the morning, stay awake and go to the gym. I need to go swimming. But today, I slept until almost 3:00pm. Technically it would have been 2:00pm, but we did have Daylight Savings Time start this morning. I was tired last night, but I would wake up and stay awake for awhile before going back to sleep. Tonight I have ativan to ease me into sleep and probably get deeper sleep. Maybe less dreaming too. I was dreaming about models last night, a party, a lost necklace . . . I can't remember the rest. Just strange. But that's the nature of dreams - to be strange and hidden in symbolism, which I suck at interpreting! LOL! Ah well.

My mom is sick today. She was ticked that I didn't get up early, but I did do the dishes which I told her I would do. What aggravates me is that she loves to say how impatient Jordan and I are when we want something (Cassie too), but she's just as impatient when SHE wants something or someone to do something. But I feel bad for her. She really doesn't feel good and I do worry. She thinks I don't care, but I do. I asked her if she wanted me to get her anything at the store and she just said to get Corned Beef and Cabbage. They were on sale. Oh and milk too. So I went to Vons and did just that. But I also wanted to try to find another book by Tess Gerritsen, but as luck would have it, the two used books stores that I knew of are out of business!!! And I also tried Target. They used to have a decent book section and really, the one they had at the one I went to sucked. Walmart's was better. At least at Walmart they carried three of her books. I saw none at Target. I was so frustrated!! Now I don't know what to do except to go to a book store and paying full price, which will have to wait until next month. I just wish I could have gotten another book by her. It sucks.

After I came back, I played on the computer for a bit. In fact, I added a bunch of songs to my Playlist. I was looking for songs by Trace Adkins and the funny thing is I could only find three songs and that was spelling his name Atkins. When I spelled it the right way, there was NOTHING. And just now, I tried Adtkins which is a really WRONG spelling and I got about 7 songs. Go figure! Found one of the songs I was looking for at least. Then I made dinner. It was nothing fantastic. It was just salad and Chef Boyardee beef raviolies. I had Jordan wash dishes and George wipe down the table. I had Jordan wake up grandma and ask her if she wanted any of it. She felt like crap still, but she took some of the ravioli and she said she wanted vanilla ice cream. It worked out well since the kids and I wanted Thin Mint ice cream. Jordan grabbed the containers, bowls and spoons and I dished it up. I thought the Thin Mint ice cream would be more minty. But the kids liked it. We were also watching "Jurassic Park" during dinner and dessert. I forgot how good that movie was. I couldn't help myself making comments during it. I just have some good recollections about the movie and the book.

I ended up going back out to the store. Jordan and I had to go pick up my medication and grandma's. Then I wanted to go back to the store and get another Corned Beef because I could only get one on sale earlier. But coming back again I could get another. So Jordan went to the pharmacy while I went to Vons. Of course, I also had to get onions, red potatoes then I wanted to get yogurt covered pretzels and then red vines for Jordan. Also got Dr. Pepper for Jordan and I. It was a nice cap to the evening.

Other than that, I haven't done much else. I did watch "Chopped All-stars" which is fantastic!! Tonight had Duff, I can't remember the one girl's name, then Chef Ann and Chef Robert. Ann and Robert always have a playful rivalry. Ann keeps winning. LOL! They did "Worst cooks In America" together and she won that. I think they did something like "Iron Chef America" and she won that. LOL! He doesn't have a lot of luck winning against her. As much as I love Chef Robert, I was rooting for Chef Ann! LOL! There is just something about her I really like. In fact, she would be a good cooking teacher. After all, I've seen her do that in the one show. I am kinda watching "Iron Chef Aamerica" tonight, but it's a repeat so I don't have to give my full attention to it. But tonight is definitely my Food Network night to watch TV. I missed "Food Network Challenge" tonight, but that's okay.

Well, I think that's pretty much it for my day. It wasn't a terribly exciting day, but it was a decently good day. Think maybe I'll do a little reading, or maybe I'll save that for tomorrow. I am kinda tired and I want to take my ativan. Then I have a good shot of going to sleep early and then getting up early won't be such an issue. Well, maybe . . . but the goal is to get up, stay up, go swimming and come home, do some reading, maybe do some writing . . . Wish I could get a hard copy of my latest story. But maybe I'll re-read what I have so far and then take notes about what I want to do to continue the story. I have to try to get back to writing every day. It's my job and I love it. I just have to not get discouraged.

Okay, think that's it. Karissa is sleeping on the corner of the bed. I will be cuddling her later, I'm sure. We'll snuggle a bit before I go to sleep. Oh, and "The Green Mile" last night was FANTASTIC! I can see why it got awards. It was wonderful and one of these days I'll get it for my collection. I don't have the money at the moment. Now it's time to settle down for the night.

Goodnight, sweet dreams . . . May tomorrow be a wonderful day!

Here's To a Better Day!

I didn't exactly wake up early this morning. But I was awake before noon. That must say something. And that was thanks to Jason. He came over so Susan could get the food card. He stayed with me as she went to the store. We hung out and as we did I slowly woke up. It actually took me quite awhile. Usually I can get up and wake up pretty quick, but I guess with the depression it takes awhile. What I can say is that today was better emotionally than yesterday, except for a couple of things. Well, one thing - Jordan, Susan and Jason. Jordan told them he's not going to school and going to get a job. But he lied to Susan saying he was going to go to school too. Not good. So she was hurt. She was hurt so bad she cried. I don't understand why Jordan just won't try to get his education, but after thinking about it for awhile, I also realized that, it's like me losing weight. You have to really want it. He doesn't. Until he does it's not going to happen. I think he's going to get a big dose of reality when it comes to getting a job. I might get him an alarm clock that he'll have to set and use. Of course, that's if his hours end up in the morning. After all, he's not going to get more than a part time job. There just aren't a lot of jobs out there and the ones that are are part time. In fact, I recently read in an article that minumum wage jobs were increasing, but there was almost no difference in higher paying jobs. And most of jobs offered are part time. Does that suck or what?? This country is going to hell in a handbasket I think. I love my country, but they are bleeding the middle and lower class dry and barely touching the money of the uber rich. I think there is a lot of corruption in the government otherwise the money taken from the people would be more fair.

Okay, I didn't plan to write in that direction. Go figure. But I think Jordan needs a big dose of reality and I think he's going to get it. If however, it works out for him - FANTASTIC!!! But if not, then he'll have a chance to start over. All we can do is see what happens.

After awhile Jason and I left to go cash my check and get my $50 from food for cash. It was nice having $100. I got Jason and I shamrock shakes. OMG, I LOVE those things! I also got a McChicken sandwich. I knew I was going to need to eat something. Then after we got to his place, Susan was leaving to take Cassie and Katie Belle to their friend Tyler's while she went to Walmart. My nose started stopping up, which sucked. I forgot to grab my nose spray. But I spent my time reading "The Surgeon." I have less than 100 pages to go. I have two other books to read, but I really want another Tess Gerritsen book. Maybe I'll go to Target tomorrow and see if they have any books by her that I don't have. Either that, or I break down and go to Barnes and Noble or somewhere like that.

Anyway, after Susan came back, I went to Albertson's near them and got nose spray that I'm going to keep in my purse though it kinda works like crap. I also got myself a "Woman's World" magazine, a bottle of water and a little notebook. It was $4, but it's sturdy and I like sturdy books. I also grabbed Hawaiian sweet rolls to snack on. I was kinda hungry. Going back, Jason was watching Basketball. The Aztecs were playing against whatever Bringham-Young University calls it's team. I didn't really follow the game except to know the Aztecs were winning and they ultimately won. Guess out of the three games they played against them this was the only one they won. I spent most of that time reading too. Then Susan went to get the girls from their friend's house. I love my Cassie and it's always good to see her. I got my hugs and got to see her beautiful face again. Then she went off into the other room with Katie to play. Susan made Chili Mac for dinner. It was awesome as usual. I ate a second helping. LOL! Even Jason had more. Cassie and Katie Belle wanted to rent a scary movie so they told them if they wanted the movie they would have to work to clean up Cassie's stuff behind the couch. Her clothes are in a tub back there and so are her stuffied. What was really funny was when she started going through the stuffies she found two of mine! LOL! It took awhile. Jason played music videos for us. I took down names of songs to add to my playlist. I'm too tired tonight so that will be something for me to do tomorrow.

As the girls were looking through the movies they saw "I spit on your grave." I guess they did a remake, but I told Cassie I didn't want her seeing it and for me, it has to have a good reason considering some of the stuff she has seen. But I saw the original. I am all for revenge flicks, but I do not want my daughter to see a graphic rape scene. I don't know about this recent one, but the one back then was very graphic. They showed it. I was early teens when I saw it myself, I believe. I don't remember exactly, but I remember that scene pretty well. Anyway, I think they settled for "The Last Exorcism," though I'm not sure. Guess I'll find out later.

On the way home, I was hungry again so I got some egg rolls from Jack in the Box and then I got a ice cream cone and a soda from McDonald's. I ate and then finally came home, grabbed my drink, purse and bears with me. As soon as I opened my bedroom door Karissa ran out of it. LOL! I can't blame her. The room was completely dark for several hours. I mean, she's a cat and can see in the dark, but she's not often in the dark anymore. And not often alone for that long either. :-) She's turned into quite the spoiled baby. It didn't take her long to decide to go back into the room. Since then, I've been working on this and watching "The Green Mile." I already saw the ending because that's where I came in on it. But to my luck they are re-airing it. I'm so tired and it's almost 1:00am, so I am ready to sleep. Of course, I've adjusted for Daylight Saving's Time. We'll see if I stay awake. What I've seen so far though, this is an excellent movie and if I see it at Walmart I might just pick it up to have. Then I can watch it when I want, too. In case I fall asleep. I am just so tired. Something else for tomorrow.

Depression Is Trying to Claim Me

Well, the depression won out today. Not only did I not go to the gym, I slept until 3:00pm. I just couldn't seem to wake up. Then I had this weird dream that I was in some kind of simulation of a fight being waged with swords. But somehow in the chaos I managed to misplace my sword. Actually it was a rapier, I believe. Anyway, I can't remember where I went, but I was with people I either knew or who knew me and they gave me this long looking knife - almost like a bread knife. It was at that point or just after when I woke up. I'm not sure what it means.  I'm not good with dream interpretation. I never was. But I do on occasion have interesting dreams. I am still so tired. I feel it inside me. Deep inside. I might go to sleep as soon as "Merlin" is over. We'll see.

Needless to say I did nothing of interest today. At least not really. Once I got up, I took my mom to the bank. I was so thirsty though. I asked if she had a dollar to get myself a drink from MacDonald's. After the bank she gave me $5 and so I was able to get a diet Dr. Pepper. But they got a simple order wrong. They thought I'd ordered a cone too. I ended up taking it though. My mom took a few bites, but I finished it. Then we swung by Wendy's getting burgers and fries for us, Jordan and George. Outside of that, I've just been puttering around online. Because of Paige, I found a new application - Muzy. You can make picture collages and I've done two so far. One of Jason, Susan, myself, Cassie, Jordan, Paige, Katie and Karissa. The second one was all Karissa. :-)

Other than that, I watched "Criminal Minds." It's actually a pretty good show. Maybe I'll start watching the marathons of it. I watched about four episodes of it today. Karissa is snoring at the moment as she sleeps next to me. It's cute. I would love to record it, but it's never come out and I've tried a few times.

Anyway, I drank a lot of water since I've been awake. Now I need to take my meds and then go to sleep. I just really hate this depression. I don't want to sleep all day on a logical level. I know it's not good for me. In fact, I'm sure it will just feed the depression. But on an emotional level all I want to do is sleep. I am seriously hoping this is just PMS. I don't want to find myself back in the pit again. How many times can I fall in before I just can't get out anymore, you know? All I can do is just hope I have the inner strength to wake up and stay awake tomorrow. Not sure what I'll do tomorrow, but I can't sleep all day. Of course, I say that, but who knows what'll happen when I wake up in the morning. 

I guess all I can do is try to keep in mind that I NEED to stay awake. Maybe it'll have to be a 5-hour energy day. We'll see.

A Drop of Darkness in the Pool of Life

I might have been tired last night, but I didn't sleep. Nice, huh? I think I was just waiting for Christopher to come back. He did, but not last night. He came back this afternoon. But he walked away before I could even get out of my room, to say nothing of the door. I called to him several times, but he still didn't come to me. I don't know what to do anymore about him. He sees us. But it's like he's too skittish to come up to anyone now. And he knows ME!!!! It really is so upsetting. I love the butthead and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to get him back for Jason, Susan, Cassie and I. It SUCKS!! I wish I had a magic wand where I could make him magically appear and come in. But that's not going to happen anytime soon.

Needless to say I didn't go to the water aerobics class. I spent my morning and early afternoon sleeping. In fact, I didn't want to get up at all - the depression that's creeping back is causing it, I think. My goal is to try to go tomorrow. I just have to get some sleep and force myself to get up. But I tell you, I wanted to sleep all day and even now I kind of wish I was asleep and had slept all day. There was nothing bad about the day. Well, except for Christopher showing up and running off again. But I mean nothing bad really. In fact, I even got a $50 check! Susan is going to cash it for me tomorrow and we're going to do food for cash too. It helps me a lot because I can now pay my car insurance, get the oil changed and maybe even have a little left for fuel. Or at the very least enough for crickets and some $1 drinks from McDonald's! LOL! So good, right? Go figure.

I didn't do any writing today again. Actually I did a little research and have gotten a few more ideas for my story. I figure the attacker is going to end up befriending her. I haven't worked out all the kinks yet, but I'm thinking that it's going to start with something stolen, yet returned - Laura didn't know it was stolen. She would have thought she left it. So could be a wallet . . . keys . . . schedule book . . . maybe the schedule book makes the most sense. This way, she'll appear to be in between two men. There will still be stuff going on like her house being broken into without anything taken. At first she'll think it's just that she's moved something without really remembering. But over time, she should start to notice. Maybe she'll also start getting phone calls. Payphones around the city that can't be checked really. No cameras available, or no clear pix. I need to figure out how to make both the men ambiguous so that in the end it's interesting and that it's clear that Mathias is the good guy. I want a scene with Mathias the cat scratches the shit out of the other man when he's trying to hurt her. Maybe at the end when he finally gets her, cat Mathias will come to her rescue. Until human Mathias can make an appearance. I'll definitely have to figure out more of the middle now that I have a clearer idea on the end. So I guess I've done some work on my story, but no writing. Time to list ideas. Maybe that will be my project tomorrow.

Even though I slept late, maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight. I sure feel like I can, but that never means anything once I lay down. But I'm going to hope. I just need to take my meds. I've already did some reading. "The Surgeon" is such a good book. I've also watched "Fairly Legal." It's awesome to see Richard Dean Anderson acting again. It's not a large role that I can see, though I could see it getting bigger perhaps. We'll see what happens in the future, but it's a good show. And as soon as I finish watching the finale of "White Collar" I'm going to try to go to sleep. At least I hope that's what happens. 

Guess that's it for this episode of insanity.

The Darkness Creeping Back a Little

It's been a bit of a long day. Not long as in starting at dawn, but me just being tired and feeling the depression slowly creeping back. It's not bad, but it's there and I noticed it getting worse tonight. I did see Dr. Tess today. It's good to have a therapist. I talked about everything that had gone on over the last couple of weeks and the one thing he pointed out to me is that everyone I care about has something going on. Jason feels like no one needs him. Cassie has been having anxiety and just emotional issues - especially where Jason is concerned. Susan is missing Christopher badly. Good news is he's been seen in the neighborhood. In fact, I saw him around 3:00am. Karissa was growling at him through the window. But once I opened the door he took off running. :-( It was very disheartening. Then Greg's friend Ed Buddy died from his lukemia. He lost the battle yesterday. Of course, the guy abused all kinds of drugs. I'm really surprised he lived as long as he did. Then my mother is always stressed about the house and Jordan wants to move out and I'm already looking ahead at the loss. If it works out, that is. I don't know. I am just feeling rundown. I guess he's right in the fact that it can all contribute to how I feel. I mean, I love everyone and I hate when the people I love are hurting.

Anyway, I slept late again. Tomorrow I'm going to get up and go swimming. I'll see how busy Thursdays are. I really haven't done much today. Outside of playing on Facebook and picking Cassie up from school about 30 minutes early. Susan came and got her and she finally took the clothes she got from My Girlfriend's Closet Event with her. Last night Susan colored Cassie's hair to auburn and so I got to see it today and she looks so good! I like the color, but she doesn't want me to have it. LOL! She has to have her own identity. But I'm going to pick out another color I think. I'd like to have hair that's more red in color than orangy or pinkish. I guess I felt a little depressed when she left. It's the first time that's happened in awhile really.

I didn't do any writing today, but I did read over some of the stuff I started. I wanted to run off my newest story so I had a hard copy, but there just wasn't a way. It SUCKED! But I'm going to try it again. Said I needed to look for a program to open it on my old computer. I might also take a look at some new printers. I love my printer, but I don't know. Maybe I can find a good one that uses less ink, though I doubt it. Still, I want to. Because if not, I have to get an adaptor for the laptop. I suppose I should do that anyway. So guess I'll look into that too. It will probably be cheaper too.

Anyway, on the way to therapy to stopped at the Hostess Outlet store. I got bread. We needed it. I got Sour dough and honey wheat. But I also got all kinds of cakey treats. I am so bad. I so shouldn't get this stuff, but I couldn't help it. I got vanilla zingers, twinkies, Raspberry zingers and Suzy Q's. I just hope I don't go through them in record time. As it is, I have gone through almost all the cakey stuff I bought at Walmart. I haven't eaten much of the candy though, so I guess that's a good thing.

My crazy cat keeps going into my corner where I have a ton of stuff piled. She finally managed to get through to what she wanted. Turns out she wanted to get onto the bottom shelf of my book case. LOL! There's only enough room for her to go in and maybe for her turn around and come back out. I had to laugh. I'm just glad she didn't knock over all the DVDs again. :-P I love her so much.

Well, I think that's about it. I have already watched the new "Ghost Hunters" and "Face/Off". They were both entertaining. On "Ghost Hunters" a spirit agreed with Grant and Jason that these antique dolls in this one room was creepy. I thought that was funny. Then on "Face/Off" the make-up artists had to disguise themselves and try to fool loved ones into thinking they're someone else. Most of the make-ups were very awesome and funny. At least I had some good laughs with the TV shows.

Now I'm going to take an ativan and see about going to sleep. Maybe I'll dream about my Ex-Friend and my Ex-Husband again! Goody . . . NOT!!!

Lies, Swimming and Coffee Creamer . . .

Okay, I'm writing this a bit earlier than usual. I think it's fair to say that I'm tired and if I can manage, I want to sleep by 11:00pm. Originally, I had thought to blow off this morning because my back hurt so bad this morning. But after Jordan was gone and my mom woke me up, she HAD to WAKE me up with something I didn't know. She found out that Jordan hasn't been going to school!! He's basically been lying! He told her he'd go if she didn't tell me so I'm trying to play dumb when I'm pretty ticked off. And I just don't want to say anything to Jason and Susan. I've had enough grief all the way around.

Anyway, I was so upset that there was no way I was going to go back to sleep so I downed a 5-hour energy, got changed and headed off to the gym. I was almost late. I didn't think I'd find a spot, but as it turned out Tuesday is a quieter day. My guess is that Tuesdays and Thursdays are on the quiet side, verses Monday, Wednesday, Friday. After the hour of water aerobics and the 30 minutes of swimming laps - actually it was more like 25 minutes today, but whose really going to tell, right? LOL! Then I went into the spa for about 15 minutes and then I took a shower and went home.

When I got home, I ate a couple of yogurts and then got on the computer. I really didn't do much after that. Jordan came home from "school" if he's even gone at all then he came to talk to me. He's going to go look for a job because he wants to make money to move out into a studio with his friend George. I just think he's giving up a chance to get his GED. Maybe it won't end up mattering in the long run, but I worry that it will and frankly I don't know what he can do that will eventually have him helping support a family. If he's serious about Alicia he's got to get his act together. I think they may have a future, but I also know his temper and attitude and if that doesn't stay in check she won't stick around. Then again, she might if she's like her mom. Susan, after all, puts up with a lot from Jason. I don't know. I just want my kids happy and productive - unlike me. I mean, I'm relatively happy I think. As happy as I get on average.

Part of me is being selfish too. I don't want him to go. Not only does he do things around here that my mother and I will have to try to do between us once he's gone, but he's also my last baby at home. I think my nest will be empty and I won't do well . . . Somehow I'll get through it because somehow I always seem to manage. For whatever it's worth, apparantly God made me a survivor. Why, I'll never know. I just have to try to find a new identity or really throw myself into my writing and hobbies. Guess we'll see what happens when the time comes.

I did go out again after an easy dinner of Hot Dogs. My mother forgot to tell me to get eggs and I forgot to get my coffee creamers. So I headed to Vons this time. I got Irish Cream Creamer for this St. Patty's Day month. Yummy! I also got chocolate peppermint and Vanilla Caramel. I also got a little tiny fruit tart. I ate that in the car and it was sooooooo good! Then I went to CVS Pharmacy and picked up my medication. I figured I might as well get used to getting my medication myself instead of relying on Jordan to run in for me. I do have to say it was nice seeing the Pharmacist Stephanie. She's always been so nice to me and I got to see her new hair color. She changed it to blonde!

Anyway, I didn't do any writing today. I haven't done any reading today either though I would like to, but just too tired tonight. And I don't want to take the chance of it peaking my interest and keeping me awake. Trust me, it's happened before! So instead, I'm going to finish watching "Dirty Jobs" the show after it maybe and go to sleep with luck. That's what I'm hoping for.

Manic Monday? Kinda . . .

Well, I didn't make it to water aerobics today. I was way too tired. Ended up sleeping until noon, but I figure I'll get over it. I have to wake up and stay awake tomorrow at 6:30am to wake Jordan up for school and maybe go to water aerobics. Might take the 5-hour energy too. So I'll take two in a row. It won't kill me to do it once.

Today was kind of somber. Susan came over looking for Christopher until I woke up. Then I made the flyer to put up. Running it off was fun. My printer cable doesn't fit anywhere on the laptop so I'll eventually need an adapter. So that was the first way and it failed. I thought my desktop computer was fried, but it turns out it can be turned on and used. So basically I had emailed the flyer to Susan's email account. I pulled it up and ran off about 30 flyers. They came out really good. But it was raining today so the flyers aren't going up until tomorrow. The rain is supposed to be cleared up by then. After Cassie got out of school and we couldn't find thumb tacks, her and Susan left. That was my cue to go to the store and do some shopping. After the fiasco last night at Walmart I decided to stop at Albertson's to get a bottle of water. It was while I was there I saw Twinkies with chocolate filling so I grabbed a box. Yummy! I was able to get them. My food money was finally there so I felt good and it was good to get that treat though I haven't tried it yet. Maybe tomorrow.

After that, I headed to Walmart and did some SERIOUS shopping. I had to sit out in the parking lot for about 10 minutes because I forgot the shopping list and had to call my mother so she could give it to me again. It was a good thing I had a spiral notebook and pens with me. I got the list and went inside and shopped like a mad woman! LOL! Not only did I get what was needed, but I grabbed what Jordan and I had been trying to get at midnight. By the time I was done, I had been invited over to Jason and Susan's for dinner, so I had to go home, get Jordan to take things inside, get things put away and then take off.

Being over at Jason and Susan's was nice. Cassie was doing homework with her friend Tyler. Paige came over and they all played together, except when Paige was asking me these This or That questions from a BFF book. Don't remember what the book was called but there was all kinds of silly questions in it. Susan made dinner, but she started late so I took Tyler home. Getting back, Susan had the Spaghetti and Texas Toast ready. It was so good! But it was nice. Part of the time I kicked back with the kids and read my book while they did their school work. My book is awesome! Tess Gerritsen is such a fantasatic writer.

Anyway, after that we had ice cream sundaes from McDonald's and then I had to say goodnight because it was after 10:00pm. I also figured that I should go back to Albertson's before it closed so that I could get Jordan his St. Patty's Day Shot 'o Luck necklace and my St. Patty's Day headband bopper. I also ended up getting mini cupcakes, yogurt that was on sale and a cream puff that was on the clearance rack. I haven't eaten it yet but that's probably next.

I guess even though the day was kind of sad because we can't find Christopher, it was nice that we got to visit and have dinner together. It was just a really nice time. Not that we haven't done it a million times before but I'm appreciative for each and everytime. It really feels like family time. I don't know how I would have survived without them emotionally.

Now it's time to start winding down. I watched "Being Human" and I'm going to watch the premiere of "Stargate: Universe." I am so bummed these are the last 10 episodes because they cancelled the show - the bastards . . . But then I heard they're going to green-light a couple of movies so that the storyline will get wrapped up. I'm just glad they're not going to leave us hanging. That pisses me off more than anything else when shows just end and leave you hanging. And I do love my TV shows.

Wow, I'm getting tired. Guess it's time to get ready for bed, maybe eat that cream puff, watch my show and go to sleep. That is, if I don't fall asleep with it on. :-P

Shit Happens . . . :-(

Well, today hasn't been so good. I didn't do the dishes last night so my mother was in a mood when I got up and it continued most of the day. It was nice waking up to Cassie in the room playing on the computer. I got up and we had tuna and onion sandwiches. They were delicious! Then her and I went and watched "The Fourth Kind" which is a very interesting and creepy movie. Especially when you see the actual footage. I wasn't scared like jumping out of my skin or anything, but it really makes me think of the face of a barn owl differently! Anyway, that was part of the day that was nice. After the movie my mom was having a fit because I hadn't gone to the store but just as I was getting ready to go I asked her if she just wanted me to wait until tomorrow. That's when she remembered I get the food money then so that attitude was put away. Cassie almost wanted to spend the night with me again, but she doesn't like to get to school early and I don't like the traffic closer to the time school starts, so we decided it was better she go back with Jason and Susan, but it was nice she considered it, you know?

Susan came and got Cassie, leaving Jason off. He and I hung out. Everything is fine now. They weren't gone too long. Poor Jason was so tired, he nodded off here. I just let him sleep. We were watching "Chopped" anyway. Not his kind of show. After they came and got him - to return later with their kitties because they are getting their apartment sprayed tomorrow - my mom gave me money so I could go to Wendy's and get us burgers and fries. I so wanted to get an ice cream, but I didn't. It all tasted good though.

Now onto the bad things of the day. When Susan and Cassie returned with the cats, they didn't wait for Jordan to get out there to help them and in the end Christopher and Lulubelle got out. They were able to catch Lulu, but not Christopher. The kids, Susan and I tried looking for him for an hour and just couldn't find him. We called for him. We checked under the cars. In the ivy hedge he went into. Literally, we poked, proded, moved branches to look into the hedge. But nothing. He's gone. My mother actually left food on the porch, but there's been no sign. I promised Cassie that I'll try to work on a flyer tomorrow and she wasn't to take them around, but I am thinking that we aren't going to find him. It sucks. I love Christopher. He was my boy. :-( Cassie left crying. I know that Susan was crying and I heard it in Jason's voice when he called me. It so sucks. I mean, what can I do? I want Christopher back too, but I don't know what to do now.

I ended up spending the rest of the night watching The Food Network  - "Food Network Challenge,""Chopped All-Stars," "Iron Chef America," and "Cupcake Wars". Some of it was because trying to waste time to make it to midnight. Jordan and I wanted to go to Walmart and do some junk food shopping. But get this - we have done this several times and the money always comes in by midnight of the day it's supposed to be in - so we go and pick out stuff. All kinds of junk we want. I mean, not tons, but enough junk to last a little bit. So when we get to the register I'm told that my card has been declined for insufficiant funds!! I run it twice. It happens again. Finally, they give me the little sheet of paper that tells me my balance was just 44 cents. That's what I had before! I was supposed to have like $400 for food! It was supposed to be in my account! SO needless to say I'm ticked. I try not to take it out on anyone around me, but what pisses me off, I'm trying to move the cart out of my way and the guy that is like a manager or whatever was like, "I'll take that." I replied with an attitude, "We'll I'm certainly not!" That ticked me off too.

Jordan and I ended up getting what little fuel I could from the measily $3 I had. It wasn't nearly enough to even get a single gallon. After than, we came home, had cereal and now it's like 2:00am and I have to be up at 6:30am. Sometimes life just sucks and shit happens. Guess this was just one of those days.

Boot to the Head

I think fate plotted against me today. I have been aggravated, hurt, upset, happy, amused and back to normal. At least normal for me. You'd think that my day would be relatively good. But it started with Jason. I won't get into the disagreement, but it had turned nasty. I told him he was being selfish. I was beyond aggrivated. I was actually so emotionally overrought I wanted to cut on myself and I haven't done that for a couple of months. Or maybe it's been a little longer. Either way, I don't want to go back to that, but I was honestly very close.

Anyway, his way of apologizing was to say that he had been joking with me and that I had taken it the wrong way. Right . . . I didn't mistake anything, but it's not worth fighting over. I just wanted it over. Period. So I thought things were fine. I also found out that Cassie was coming home to spend the night tonight, which was awesome, but then Jason started in again only this time about Cassie! Out of the blue he says she's coming home! Don't get me wrong, I would take my daughter home in a heartbeat if she wanted back. The only reason I let her stay there is they really can do more for her, though I'm starting to get concerned about her emotional well being. I mean, is it worse than here with my mother, you know? So even though I didn't get upset Cassie was really upset. Susan said to ignore him, but Cassie wouldn't. I finally told him he was basically being a jerk. I was nicer than that, but basically that he was again being selfish. He texted me back and said that he's not allowed to feel angry or sad. I texted back telling him that maybe if he didn't take his feelings out on everyone around him things would be different. I got one more text about fine he was saying good-bye for good. Whatever. At that point I did ignore him and no longer than 20 minutes he was texting us how sorry he was. Sometimes I juxst want to take a 2x4 and smack him in the head with it HARD!! I mean, all the problems with today were honestly HIS FAULT! This is why I can't stand men in my life. I will NEVER be in another relationship again, I think. Too much drama. Jason has almost getting to be too much for me. I love him, but I want to kill him too. 

The great thing about tonight is Cassie being here. It's so good to see her and hold her and laugh with her. In fact, her, Jordan and I had the best time watching this guy's videos. He has this one called "Nom nom nom babies" and from there we watched all his picture songs. They were hysterical. There were a couple of things I didn't like or care for, but most of it was funny.

Cassie hadn't eaten dinner before she came home so I headed out with her to McDonald's to get her a couple of double cheeseburgers and sodas for the kids and I. I also got myself an ice cream cone. Yum! Unfortunately, when we got home, I found out Jordan had burnt his hand. There's something wrong with the microwave so he had to reheat his dinner in the oven. Well, he got it out of the oven okay, but I guess he set it down and moved something on the stove to make room and then when he went back to move the pan, he forgot the mit . . . BURN! I feel so bad for him. He was in so much pain. I had him put ice on it. Thought about taking him to the ER, but he would have been sitting there for hours and they just would have given him an ice pack too. We'll see how it is in the morning.

I have had so many moodswings today that I don't think I've recovered from them all. I kinda feel okay and yet, I feel this anxiety under the surface. It's like feeling sick to your stomach without having a stomach ache. I'm also tired, but we'll see how well I sleep tonight after this crappy day. But I love having Cassie here, asleep in her own bed . . . Tomorrow Susan's bringing their cats over to stay for the night since they're getting their apartment sprayed. After that, they'll be working on Cassie's room. Providing more crap doesn't happen.

Anyway, I'm going to try to get some sleep. Hopefully I will. One way or another I am glad this day is done and I just hope tomorrow is a good one.

A Mixed State A-Coming . . . Maybe . . .?

Didn't make it to the gym so now swimming; no water aerobics class. It was hard for me to wake up, but that was my fault. I took too much ativan to help me sleep and it just slammed me. I have sort of been tired all day because of it. I still had my coffee, but I have also been feeling off. Sometimes I start feeling okay and then this feeling comes back. I don't know if it's the coffee or I am just starting a mixed state - which I hope isn't the case. But I have been so irritable! Just irritable with my mother, other drivers, Jason . . . I've been shaking on and off too. I've been speeding more in the car. That usually goes hand in hand with mixed states too. But all I can do is wait and see. Right now, these are just annoying symptoms that I might be able to keep in check. I don't know what I'll do if it escalates. Guess I'll cross that bridge if I get to it. Either way, I'll be keeping an eye on myself.

I took my mom to go to Macy's today and See's Candy. While I waited for her, I went to the McDonald's at the Walmart. I got lunch and then spent the time reading. She actually got done sooner than I thought she would. It didn't give me that much time to read and "The Surgeon" is a good book. I'll probably read a little before I go to sleep tonight.

After that, we came back home, but about 30 minutes after that my mom wanted to go to the Post Office to send a package to Diana. She got her all kinds of neat things for her birthday. I got to pick out the card. I went with something I knew my mother would get her. Of course, my mother loved it when she read it. I saw another card I liked, but it was definitely more of a me card. LOL! It might not have gone over well. :-P Not that it was bad or anything! It just had a humor twist and my mother doesn't do funny.

Then after the Post Office we went to Albertson's. I got water and St. Patty's Day buttons like "Eat, Drink, Be Irish!" LOL! I also picked out pizzas for dinner. Turned out good. We had pizza and salad.

Outside of going to the store again I haven't done much of anything. I didn't feel up to writing because my brain feels a little chaotic and my concentration's been bad today. So all I've really done tonight is play on Project Playlist, upload photos to MySpace. Check Facebook and update Yahoo. I have "Criminal Minds" on, but it really isn't a show I got into. The episodes are good, but don't capture me the way other shows do. I can take it or leave it so to say.

Anyway, I'm tired. Think I'll take my medication and do some reading. Not sure if I'll watch "Merlin" tonight or not. Guess we'll see.

Ho-Hum . . . Not So Much . . .

Last night I didn't sleep well - surprise, surprise. Actually, I just drank too much soda and water so I was up going to the bathroom every hour. That sucked and I have to remember not to do that again. I ended up sleeping until after 11:30am. After I got up I had my coffee and got on the computer for awhile. I checked on and feed my virtual pets and bred my virtual red frogs. LOL! I know, how exciting!! I also participated in a bipolar study online. Anything to further more research, you know?

After that my mom wanted to go shopping, but we were waiting for Jordan to get home. We finally just gave up. Though my mom decided that she just wanted to go to the post office and to Wendy's to get something to eat. Well, I get a call from Jordan while I'm in the post office parking lot that he's home with his friend George and that they couldn't get inside and when were we coming back. Ugh! Anyway, I tell my mom so we start heading back. When I'm just coming up to the house he calls again saying that he used Cassie's way to get into the house through the roof. My mom freaks out that he was able to get inside. But I pointed out that she can't be mad at him for finding a way in the house. Well, we went to Wendy's. That was actually nice. We didn't argue. We both got the same thing - fish fillet sandwich with a ceaser side salad and lemonade. I was a little on edge because there were teenagers that came in and I think the boy was laughing at me. But in the big scheme of things it doesn't matter. I don't know him. Why should I care what he says or whatever? I was more irritable after that though, or I guess I was irritable before that, but it became more noticeable after that.

I dropped my mom back off at home and then I headed out to get Frontline flea and tick stuff for Karissa. That was $25, but it was important. My kitty was scratching too much and she was starting to get some scabs from the scratching. As I was leaving, I got a call friend a friend who wanted something from me and it just really aggravated me. It was something that they really didn't need and would have had to have been kept like a secret and I just wasn't in the mood for it or the excuses and whatever else. I had more shopping to do anyway so I just told him I still had to go back to Walmart and go get crickets for Tubbie. I started to wonder if I'm going into a slight mixed state because of the irritability plus I've been talking fast. But I haven't really experienced too much else. I'll have to keep an eye on it. Maybe I should cut back on the coffee - NOT! LOL! I will though, if things keep going or get worse.

So I went back to Walmart again. I wanted to get some Nyquil. I also picked up a Woman's World magazine and some muchies I shouldn't have gotten. LOL! I also grabbed and ice cream cone from McDonald's. I thought about getting a soda too, but after all the going to the bathroom . . . LOL! I got a text from Cassie as I was leaving reminding me to call the school tomorrow and tell them she wasn't going to be there for Saturday school this weekend. She's going to a special clothing event called "My girlfriend's Closet". She'll be able to pick out some cool. gently worn clothes, including shoes and even stuffies - stuffed animals. Last time she went she got a whole bag of just stuffies! LOL! So that's on the list to do tomorrow - call the school.

I almost didn't go get the crickets for Tubbie, but I figured how hungry he probably was. Just as I was parking Nicole called. LOL! I told her I'd call her back in 5 minutes. I got the crickets and called her back, but it went to voicemail so I headed home. She called me back, but we were only able to talk briefly because she got another call that she had to take. Guess it was one of those days for both of us. :-P

Tonight has been quiet, which is a good thing. Just sort of kicking back. Ate dinner and have just been watching movies on TV - "The Quick and the Dead" with Sharon Stone and Russell Crowe and "The Brave One" with Jodie Foster. Love both of those movies. I like revenge flicks! Anyway, I didn't do any writing or editing today though I did do a little reading. I might not have time tomorrow either because I have water aerobics in the morning and then my mother wants to go to Macy's. We'll see what happens. I will probably go to Walmart (again) only this time to wait at Walmart for my mother to call and tell me she's done. I'll make sure I have enough money for something to eat and drink. I'll have a chance to do a lot of reading! :-) That's a benefit for sure! Who knows, maybe I will get some writing and editing done tomorrow. But I am not putting it high on the list. Maybe it will be a priority over the weekend. I need not to procrastinate on it again so we'll see and if not then I will set a date again. That worked.

Okay, time to close this ramble up, take my medication, watch the end of "Fairly Legal" and go to sleep.

A LONG Day - But Good!

It has been one LONG day! It's been a pretty good day for the most part, but right now I'm tired and definitely achy. I finally picked up my Naproxen from the pharmacy so that's taken the edge off. Wish it took more of the pain away. :-P But it is what it is. Guess I won't be going to the gym tomorrow! LOL! Unless I wake up not so achy! I'd like to go to the water aerobics class every day, but not sure that's going to happen yet. But I did overdue it. I know I did.

I woke up at 6:30am. Woke up Jordan for school. Took my 5-hour energy. Then I got a call from Cassie. She was having an emotional breakdown so I said she could stay home from school, but it was going to be her last Freebie. I have a feeling I've said this before, but I'm going to try to remember this time. In fact, I told Jason to remind me. Of course, I got attitude from him. Ugh! I swear, sometimes it's so annoying. He just acts like a baby sometimes. He feels like Cassie doesn't need him so he acts like a jerk. Yeah, that's going to help. Anyway, Susan brought Cassie to me. She just wasn't up for much, but when she found out I was going to the gym she wanted to go with me. That was cool. She found a swimsuit among her things still here. She actually did the class with me AND she swam laps with me for 30 minutes. It was great to have her with me.

After that, Cassie talked me into checking my money balance to see if my money had come in yet. I figure I'll do that by getting bottles of water at the store. I was so thirsty because I'd forgotten my water bottle at home. Well, my money turned out to be in, so we grabbed lunch at McDonald's. Maybe not the healthiest of choices but we were starving. I couldn't resist getting us Shamrock shakes!! I have to get one every year. They are so good! Then I figured we'd go to Walmart. I was able to get Cassie two bras and a set of three undies. We found a Scorpio t-shirt in the clearance cracks which was really cool. Then I also let her get a Monster High doll. She has wanted one for months. I shouldn't have bought so much for her, but I just couldn't help myself. I even got a shirt for me that she picked out for me yesterday. LOL! She wanted me to have a Mickey Mouse shirt to go with her Disney shirt. Guess she'll want us to match one of these days. :-) I also had to get kitty litter, nose spray. We got Karissa a box of wet food. It has about 15 cans in it. Actually 14 cans now that I gave her one. I also got her more kitty catnip treats. She is getting so spoiled. I also had to get other typical stuff - nose spray (yes I am addicted to it unfortunately), vitamins for Jordan, shampoo, conditioner. I did get a movie "The Fourth Kind" which I have wanted to see since I saw the promos for it when it first came out. It was only $13. However, I forgot to get my 5-hour energy. Of course, I had to forget something.

My mom called me while I was there. She was irritated apparently. She wanted me to take her to get her nails done. It wasn't that late, but she had an attitude. We had a misunderstanding. I had called her before I went to Walmart to asked about the dry cat food. She thought I WAS at Walmart. If she had told me she wanted to go early I would have taken her before. Anyway, she thought I was already at Walmart even though I said I was going to go in the phone call. That's okay though. I got home before 2:00pm so I got her there.

The sad thing is Jason was being an asshole again saying since she was so emotional maybe she should spend the night with me. She doesn't want to sleep here! Anyway, he was like, "Well, it doesn't seem like she needs her Uncle Jason" blah, blah, blah. She said that he didn't want her since she was being emotional. She let all kinds of stuff out about how Jason is the only one allowed to have feelings. He treats Susan like crap. I personally told him, after he told me again that she should spend the night with me and that she didn't seem to need him that if that were the case, did he think pushing her away was going to help things. Duh is all I have to say to that. Ugh! And of course, I'm trying to text him this while I had to pick up my mom and she wanted to get Subway for dinner. It's fun trying to get sandwiches while trying to text about this stupid shit.

Well, when we got home Cassie, my mom and I ate our sandwiched. Cassie then got on the computer. She was on DoInk.com and figured out how to animate her drawings. It was pretty cool. Then Jason called and asked if Cassie wanted to get picked up. By that time Cassie was on YouTube.com watching/listening to Friday Night Crank. It was crank calls. It was hysterical. Then Cassie gave me a hug, grabbed her stuff. Jordan woke up so she got the bear hug she wanted. We also might have a ticket buy on Friday which would be awesome. I desperately need the money after today. Jordan, Susan and I will be doing it. It was sad to see Cassie go, but this time I wasn't depressed which is also very awesome. Of course I spent time with Jordan right after that. I needed to have him pick up my meds. We stopped at McDonald's to get drinks. I also got him a couple of burgers. He was starving. Thank god I got my meds though. I also gave him money for his bus pass. He went and got it. He needed it to get to school tomorrow. After that, we went to Walmart. Yes, I went back again to get my 5-hour energy. I got about 8 of them. It's not enough for the month, but it'll have to do. I also got some snack cakes. Sue me, I had a sweet tooth. LOL!. And outside of that I broke down and got "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" on DVD. What made it even better was it ended up that it was on sale for $15! I thought it was going to be $20! It might be only $5 difference, but that's a big difference for me! As soon as Jordan and I got home we watched it and it was FANTASTIC!! It was so worth the money! It would have been worth the $20. It was that good. We also loveyed up Karissa. She was being so cute with her meowing. Oh and the funniest thing happened. Part of Cassie's bathing suit fell on the floor. Karissa rubbed it and then rolled all over it and jumped playfully the same way she does with catnip! It was soooooo funny! Even now it brings a smile to my face! :-) I love my kitty!!

Well, now I am totally exhausted. I have managed to stay up long enough to watch "Ghost Hunters" and "Face/Off" and long enough to rambled about my whole day! :-D It's time for sleep now. Whenever it might come to me. Maybe soon, I hope. It's been a good day though a long one.

A Day With My Cassie Beth!

Well, I didn't make it to the gym this morning. In fact, I had a hard time getting awake or staying awake. Guess I was just too tired yesterday for my own good and was overtired last night so I didn't sleep great. But that was okay. I finally got up. My mom had made me brunch which was so nice of her!! I usually don't eat when I wake up though I probably should. I know skipping meals isn't the best thing for a person. Anyway, I was going to pick Cassie up after school, but she called me instead. She ended up having a panic attack. The teacher sent her to the office so I just went and picked her up. It was great to see her. I also shared my iced coffee with her. I don't think I'm going to get the chocolate raspberry creamer again. I prefer other flavors. Plus I'm going to get Irish Cream this month for St. Patty's Day.

We didn't really do much. I had to wash dishes and then I hung with Cassie in my room as she played on my computer. I asked her if she'd like to go to Walmart just to walk around. I let her play on the computer for awhile first and while she was playing I almost fell asleep and napped. As it is, I can't believe I'm still awake right this moment. I am very, very tired.

Anyway, we did get to Walmart and walked around. She actually had fun looking for clothes for me! LOL! And there's a Mickey shirt she wants me to get. It's a 4x and not 5x, but it fit pretty good and that was over my shirt! So I might! There was another shirt I wanted, but I couldn't find a 4x in it. I'll probably look again. We also looked through electronics, toys . . . she bought herself 2 bandanas. Actually one was for a friend of hers and the other was hers. We also looked at bras because she needs new ones. I can't believe she's a C36. She also told me she went down from a size 13 in skinny jeans to size 11. I am very happy for her. That's quite an accomplishment. We also looked through the books. For the first time she was really into looking at the books with me. In fact, she picked out something I might be interested in. Not that we could get anything, but it was nice to be able to look through the shelves with her. 

After that, we hit McDonald's inside Walmart and had dinner. My mother was also nice enough to give us $6 to get dinner out. Double cheese burgers and drinks. It worked out good. We talked as we ate and it was just great to spend time with her. I have missed her so much. 

Anyway, we came back home, started up on the computer again. We laughed about some of the things she was reading and we looked at images together. But when Jason and Susan picked her up, it was like getting socked in the stomach. I won't tell them that. I won't tell Cassie that ever. I just tell her I missed her. But yeah, it sort of depressed me. I love her so much. I miss her so much. But I know she's doing better now. Never thought I would ever let someone else raise my child, but I guess sometimes it's for the best. She's able to do things and get things that she should have. She'll have her own room soon. She is getting spoiled. :-) I tried spoiling her as much as I could too. I would give her the world if I could. But there are things I know she likes and wants now so I'll have things to pick up here and there for her when I can. I want to get her a St. Patty's Day shirt too. I really like St. Patty's Day. Not sure why I love it so much, but I do! I have some good memories on that day - and NO they did not include Green Beer! LOL! Though I should try that this year maybe!

Anyway, the only other thing I did tonight was play on Facebook. And seriously I played a lot with my different accounts. I added a new facebook. Well, not really knew, but I didn't do anything with it until now. I had to link it to my other accounts. Then I wanted to see the hidden pets in the different Happy Pet accounts, which meant I had to get each hidden pet blessed 7 times by 7 different people. It's a good thing I have a lot of accounts. LOL! Anyway, I go to open four - a chocolate goose, two chocolate bears and a chocolate kitten. LOL!. I want a chocolate leopard!! So far no luck which REALLY sucks. But we'll see what happens. Why do I even care, you might ask? I don't know, but I do love virtual pets along with the real ones. 

So tomorrow morning, I will go to the gym. The rashes are getting worse though, so I don't know what's going to happen. If they get even worse than this, I might have to go to the Emergency Room and find out what the hell is going on with my body. But I don't want to give up my water aerobics so I guess I'll just have to deal with it. I just want a way to make the itching stop!! Ugh!

Okay, "Dirty Jobs" is on. I sort of half watched the new one tonight, but they're showing repeats. I might watch them. But I should go to sleep. I am tired, so I don't know. Maybe I will just go straight to sleep. Well, I can hope I do! Besides, I'm so tired I'm probably sinking into uncomprehension. The more I write the most it starts to sound like babbling. LOL! Time for bed.

Happily Exhausted

Wow am I exhausted!! I don't even know if I'll make it through my shows tonight! And I really want to watch "Chuck," "Being Human" because we get to meet Josh's parents and "Hawaii 5-0." I just love the show and the actors. But you know, I got a really good work-out. I slept like crap last night like I do most nights, but I still woke up at 6:30am. I tried to get Jordan up to go get his bus pass, but he was a general pain in the ass and now I might be stuck buying his pass. Ugh!! Anyway, I took my 5-hour energy, got my coffee. I asked my mom if she wanted to come to the gym with me, but she didn't feel up to it so I grabbed water and took off on my own. Actually she told me I needed to get cereal and stamps for her, so that got put on the agenda too.

Well, I got to the gym about 15-20 minutes before class so I swam some laps. Then the water aerobics class was awesome! Lots of cardio. My biggest problem with some of the moves is that I'm just so boyant! LOL! Anyway, after the class I still did my 30 minutes of laps, went into the spa then took a shower. I wasn't too tired then so I didn't spend too much time in the spa this time. Then on the way home I stopped at Albertson's to get the cereal and stamps. I also picked up a water - I needed more. I was so thirsty. Of course, being hungry too meant I was looking for something to eat that I could get with the little bit of money I had left on my card. Turns out I was in the mood for cottage cheese. I came home and ate some with the peaches. A couple hours later I had more with just salt and pepper. Growing up I HATED cottage cheese, but my birth-grandfather had it with salt and pepper and that's the only way I'd eat it for the longest time.

After that I started editing "Assassin's Seduction." I promised myself I would start today. I was hoping to make a real dent in it, but I only got through to page 21. It was kind of sad that I couldn't go further, but I'm not sure my edits were any good anyway because of how tired I was. Concentration has been an issue. But I think I'm going to try to shoot for about 20 pages a day until I get it done. So that means the other story is going to be on the back burner for now. I also did some looking into ePublishers and at least two or three would be good choices for me. In fact, one wants submissions between 30,000 to 50,000 words and that's where my stories lie!! I am so excited because I really thought it would be harder to find someplace for my novellas, but I feel good about the ePublishers. With luck in a couple of weeks I'll have something I can start sending out! It would blow my mind if I got accepted! I mean how awesome would that be?? To finally get published!! Here's hoping!!

My mother also wanted to get her hair permed today, so I called the place for her, asked her questions and then took her up. She was there for like 2-3 hours. Then I picked her up. What was really nice too is that she offered to get KFC for us. OMG!! It was sooooooo good! We got a 12 piece bucket of original recipe chicken with potatoe wedges and biscuits - coleslaw for my mother (Shudder - ICK!). I am STILL full from dinner. Better than being hungry, that's for sure!

Jordan helped me with some laundry, getting laundry put away and others started. He also got water for Karissa for me. I get to clean the litter box tomorrow. LOL! No biggie though. I can sit down on the bed and do it now. So it'll be a lot easier and it will get done. All I need is the scooper in here because I have plenty of bags for disposal. Oh and it was so cute. Jordan went to pet Karissa and she literally turned her head, insisting that she smell his fingers before he could pet her and then when she was satisfied she literally tilted her neck giving him PERMISSION to scratch her neck and pet her. LOL! Oh she is definitely a princess! At the moment she's lying next to me just being pretty.

Can't think of anything else to say except that I'm going to try to go to the water aerobics class tomorrow too and my goal is more editing. I will get this published. I am willing to work with an editor and get it right so it can be published. I am excited! Good luck is coming. It's got to be! Anyway, the power of positive thought in action. Too bad it doesn't work for sleeping! LOL!

I'm Patting Myself on the Back

I am so proud of myself! I didn't procrastinate on getting the prologue for my newest story done!! I am so happy about that. And I think it came out pretty well. I need to tweak the News Article, but that should be easily solved. I'm just a writer and not a journalist so it will take me a try or two to get that just right. Either that or I might ask Nicole to give me ideas or write a little blurb for me. Anyway, I'm just so thrilled that I got it done. Now tomorrow comes the real fun part - editing my first book. I have procrastinating for too long and I told myself I would work on it on the 28th and tomorrow is the 28th. I have to be strong and not procrastinate. Maybe I won't finish the whole thing tomorrow, but I'm going to try. Then on the third I need to get a black ink cartridge for the printer and maybe more paper. I need to get serious about getting the novella out.

Jordan helped me with my room today too. My mom is letting me keep Karissa's litter box, water and food in my room, but to do that I had to straighten out my room. I also wanted to clean off my bed and get some real sheets on. I still sleep on the blanket, but that's because if I didn't I'd get poked and scratched by a broken spring in the mattress. It's not fun. I've been scratched before. It sucks actually.

Anyway, he helped get laundry going. We got a hamper in the hallway and threw my old, broken hamper away. Where my old hamper was I put the little box. The water is next to it and the food is over near the closet. We even brought her bed in and placed it on a corner of the bed, though I doubt she'll sleep in it unless she gets cold. But since my mom keeps the house at about 70 degrees we're all good. But the room looks so much better and I told my mom that this will at least make me keep the floor clean! :-)

Jordan and I did pause for a bit. After dinner we went to Albertson's. I was almost out of Splenda for my coffee and god knows I can't have that happen! LOL! So I told him I'd get him a soda too. And when we got there, that's what we got. Then Jordan was nice enough to buy us each an ice cream cone from McDonald's. That leaves me $1 to get crickets for Tubbie. My mom was always super nice to me and gave me $20 for fuel. With gas being $3.69 a gallon, I needed every penny of it going to fuel. It sucks that the gas is going up again. It's so hard for me to get things done. My mother can't help me all the time, so I'm worried about that. I want to be able to see Cassie at Jason and Susan's. I need to be able to get to therapy and doctors. I need to be able to take my mother places . . . and stupid gas has to be so expensive. The gas conglomerates or whatever they are sucks badly. If those people had my income I bet you things would change real quick! Jerks.

Anyway, tonight I've had a good old time watching "Iron Chef America" kind of. They weren't new ones. :-( But I was also listening to music on Project Playlist (yes I could do both at once!). I also decided to open a MySpace. LOL! I just thought it was fun. I have a jungle background, a tiger for my profile pic and I have uploaded a bunch of pix of Karissa. Her album is called "My Little Tiger" and she is! Right now she's sleeping behind me on the bed. I love having had her in almost all day. She hasn't quite figured out that she doesn't need to go out of the room yet, but that's okay. I'm letting her out tomorrow morning so she can enjoy the outside.

Well, guess it's time for me to take my medication and think about sleep. I have to wake up at 6:30am so I can wake up Jordan and then I need to go to the gym and do water aerobics. My mom wants to join me so we'll see if she feels up to it. Then I have all that editing to do. I can do it. I will do it and it will be great!!

Writing Procrastination Writing future

Another good day for the books! I didn't go to the gym, but I won't go on the weekends. Too busy. I don't want to be in the crowd. I did sleep until 10:30am though. But in all honesty I didn't really do very much today. Just played online, watched TV and wrote.

I still haven't written the prologue. I don't know if I'm procrastinating or I just don't have a clear enough image of what I want in my mind. I suppose I can try to write down notes for what I want. I do worry that my story isn't that good. But I'm not that far into it yet. I've only written maybe 10 pages. Still, I worry. I want the story to be good and interesting. I don't like feeling like I'm procrastinating on this either. The write still isn't flowing as well as I'd like, but at least I'm writing. I just hope it doesn't sound like shit. I guess either way, I just need to get myself back together. Maybe if I finish another project I'll be back to how I was. I think I'm taking tippie toe steps toward going back to my other stories. I want to finish my Princes of the Desert set. I guess eventually I will. Who knows . . . maybe it will happen sooner than I think.

I was reading my Tarot cards for March and April. It really seems that things are going to go well. At least I'm going to keep believing that. Positive thoughts and all. Maybe if I keep to my editing on the 28th and have something workable to send out in March maybe I'll get good news in March or April. It would be so nice . . . Vindication that my work is good! :-) I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. Move forward and with luck I'll have good news in my future!

Anyway, I'm feeling tired. Karissa is sleeping on the bed beside me. Oh and my mother said that I can bring her into my room! I mean, the litterbox, the food and water!! Everything!! I am so excited. I've been trying to clean up the room a little. Tomorrow Jordan has to help me with laundry and getting some of this stuff in here put elsewhere. Then I can move everything in and Karissa can officially be a house cat, except when she wants to go outside. :-) Which as the weather eventually warms up I'm sure she'll want to. She is so loved! Jordan loves her so much too. He comes in and can't help but pet her and give her kisses. And talk to her. We all love to talk and meow. I am very happy to have Karissa with me. Thank god for kitties!

Guess that's it. Tomorrow there is nothing on the agenda. Monday it's time for the editing so maybe tomorrow I'll make sure I have everything ready to get to work. Other than that, nothing. I'll just do more writing. Maybe I'll FINALLY write the prologue! LOL! I'll put it on the list. At least there will be a couple of things there.

Okay, time for bed! 

Itchy Scratchy

Today has been pretty good! I got up around 8:30am, took my last 5-hour energy, grabbed a water and headed to the gym. I got there just in time for the water aerobics. It was a great class and I was remembered by the other members which was nice. I missed the usual instructor, but this woman was great too. She's just not as funny. LOL!

After class I did my 30 minutes of laps. I think I'm getting faster. I then went into the spa and I stayed too long. Ended up sitting down almost the whole time I took a shower. All my energy was completely zapped. Walking out to the car to go home was like hiking cross country! :-P I was very glad when I got to sit down behind the wheel.

Then when I got home I had to turn around and leave again. I totally forgot my mom needed to go pick up her tabs. I really didn't want to because of how drained I was, but I knew she needed them back. Plus she wanted to go to the store, so I  offered to take her to Walmart since it was right across the street.

It took her almost no time to get the tabs and once we got to Walmart she gave me money to go to McDonald's to get something to eat and drink. Love Big Macs and they had two for $3.50. Can't beat a deal like that! Then after I ate, I realized that I wanted to get a woman's world and I wanted to check how much more 5-hour energy bottles were. Well, they were on sale! 2 for under $4. So I went in search of my mom. I almost walked by her, but she found me! Since the 5-hour energy was on sale, she got them for me and my magazine. Woman's World is the only magazine I get on a regular basis. I love them.

When I got home I just got online. Puttered around for a bit. I uploaded some pix onto yahoo. They weren't the best. I'll probably upload other pix tomorrow - maybe. I also got into my writing. It's still slow going, but it's coming along. I finally got to an interesting part where Laura was grabbed by someone in black and she was saved by this guy. His name is going to be Mathias, of course. I'm in the process of describing him. He has to have black hair and green eyes, of course. I just have to draw out more freaky stuff. I know I'm going to have her house broken into, but only a couple of things out of place. Maybe it starts getting more and more until she realized someone's been getting inside. I think the shop will be broken into as well and maybe even Angela's place. Maybe have her car's breaks were cut . . . Just stuff I'm thinking about. I still have yet to work on the prologue. I should probably start working on that tonight or tomorrow. I have never written stuff out of order before, but I think it's going to work. I'm still not sure how good the story is, but I'm enjoying writing it.

You know, the bad thing about the swimming at the gym though is that there's something in the water that makes me break out. At the moment I have several rashes and it sucks. I am going to keep using my ointment for rashes that the doctor gave me but I'm running out. I just hate itching all over. Why do I have to be the one with the sensitive skin?? Ugh!!

Anyway, nothing else has gone on. I am tired. I shouldn't say that I should sleep easily because I never do. Getting to sleep is a pain in the ass. I wish I could sleep easily, but it just doesn't come easy. I hope Karissa stays in most of the night with me though because tonight is supposed to drop down to 30 degrees F. Right now she's sleeping over by the window. I love having her with me. It really does make me feel better having her around. I love her so much. Thank god for her really.

Guess that's all there is. Emotionally I'm doing pretty good today. No real ups and downs. Just tired, but that's okay. I have had a good and busy day. Nothing to complain about except the stupid rashes! LOL! UGH!! :-P

Truly Sleeping Beauty

This will probably be one of my shortest entries ever. I literally spent almost all day sleeping. I stayed awake for a couple of hours today, but I was so tired I laid down and zonked out. I only woke up long enough for dinner and went to sleep again. I'm only awake now because I woke up in time to see most of "Royal Pains" and am going to finish "Fairly Legal". Hopefully I'll go back to sleep after that. But basically, I did no writing. No reading. Nothing of import. I was just freaken tired. Guess that's a good reason not to take so much stuff to help me sleep. I think I over did it and so the consequence was playing Sleeping Beauty today.

Well, tomorrow will be another day. An early day. Hopely my mind will feel fresh and alert unlike at the moment. LOL! Guess the only thing left is to take my night meds and go back to sleep. Just go easy on some of the meds.

Time to go back to playing Sleeping Beauty for now.