Holly Not So Jolly Christmas and Beyond

Well, Christmas was actually very nice though Christmas Eve was one of the WORST I had ever had. Jason was a total ass and yelling about Ajay and pulling all kinds of crap. He got angry with Cassi because she screamed and cussed him out about how he was treating Ajay - her BEST friend! It just got all out of hand. I was angry, frustrated and went to bed before Jason and Susan came home from Susan's mom's. I did go to sleep after taking extra med to make me SLEEP! But it was definitely the WORST Christmas Eve ever. I hope that Jason is somewhere else or I am next holiday. I won't have him ruin another holiday season! In fact, Christmas morning I didn't want to wake up. But Jordan eventually woke me up for his stocking. Cassi and Ajay had spent Christmas Eve at my mom's. It was just a sad evening. At least I made Chili Mac. That was yummy!

Eventually Jordan got me up. He and I took pix of us with our stockings. I had a hard time getting ready to go to my mom's for Christmas. Jason and Susan were gone. Jason had worked the night audit shift and from there Susan picked him up and they went up to her brother's house for Christmas. It was no picnic for her either. She had to put up with Jason.

Butt once I got to my mother's, it was a good day! We ate, opened gifts - which I was thrilled to have gotten a couple things I had not expected! I was given a book, a check for $20 and a gift card to Walmart for $25! It was awesome! Tim tried to get me into a debate and I stopped it before it could go anywhere. He got so miffed that he left! LOL! I was irritated and yet happy at the same time. Does that makes sense? 

I also watched "A Walk To Remember," that Tim was supposed to watch with Nancy and Rudolpho. It was a good movie but not one I would add to my collection. I did enjoy it though. It was worth watching for sure. Butt it's a movie I would really just watch once.

Also I had some Chocolate Milk Wine! YUMMY!! It got me tipsy really fast and lasted about 20-30 minutes! That was cool! If I could get some for New Year's Eve, I would! In fact, maybe I will depending on how expensive it is.

I also had pie and then left after saying bye to everyone and giving Jordan a BIG hug! :-) So I had a pretty great day! Then I came home . . . :-( Jason started into his attitude about he wants an apology from Cassi for her yelling at him. Personally I think she should apologize for the screaming, but not apologize for cussing him out. He is allowed to being an ass all the time to everyone. It's not fair and not right. Other people have feelings too and Cassi won't let him get away with shit like that. But he started in on demanding an apology so I started to go back to my room and he said I didn't have to go, so I just put my stuff down and came back out. Guess what the fricken baby did? When I came out he went into his bedroom!! Okay, what? He had to make a stupid point or something? I don't know. I didn't get it, but it pissed me off. I think he apologized to me, bu to be honest I don't remember. Maybe it was because he is always apologizing and I just don't believe it's true anymore.

The day after Christmas was fun! I got to do some shopping with my Gift Card! I bought some more off-brand Splenda because I'm almost out. I also got the movie "Traitor" for $3. A movie "Savages" for $5 and "Ron White A Little Unprofessional." I can't wait to watch that one! Ron White is soooooo funny! I also finally bought myself a new wallet since my other one got stolen. It's pink fake alligator skin and it's perfect! I can't shove tons of receipts into it! My old one was mostly full of receipts! :-P 

When I got home, I parked on the street to shut Jason up about Ajay in my car in the parking lot of the apartments. He can't do ANYTHING about it now. It's my car and it's on the street! He can't do shit! Yay! 

On December 27th I took Ajay with Cassi to the Welfare office in El Cajon so he could turn in some food stamps paperwork and set another appointment. From there, we were hungry. I had a couple of dollars and Ajay had a dollar and a dime - just enough for two tacos for a $1 at Jack in the Box. We went inside, got our tacos, and talked. I kept track of the time and planned to get back in time to take Jason to the trolley. I did, but as he and I went to leave, Ajay was coming into the complex. Jason starts getting in his face saying he can't be here. That he is trespassing, and all this shit. I told him he was going to talk to his mom! OMG! What an ass! Then we're going to the car and Cassi yelled at him again and though I didn't see is face, but by his body language I could tell he was in a rage! I couldn't really get out of my car fast enough to do anything so I was holding my phone waiting for my daughter to scream! It turns out that she blocked his way at the gate with the gate for a minute that might have had just enough time for him to realize what he was doing or something. But eventually he just went to the apartment to lock the door. Which was stupid because he had to know that I would just open the door as soon as I got back - a whole 10-15 minutes maybe.

When he got back in the car, he spend the rest of the time trying to convince me he wasn't going to hit her. That he would never hit a kid.Had I ever seen him hit a kid? But I knew he had been ready to hit her. Body language doesn't lie and he spent THAT much time trying to convince me he wasn't going to and never would hit her? Yeah. Okay. I vented to Susan when I had a chance and after that, I have been on edge waiting for him to do something I can call the cops on him for. Isn't that sad? He was one of my best friends. I had left him blow up on me so many times, reducing me to tears, but I would eventually brush it off and never really think about it again. But that's how I dealt with abuse and I NEVER put it together until recently. I love him, but I am so angry inside when it comes to him. I just am and I don't think it's going to go away until we are no longer near each other like this.

Yesterday was okay. He and I stayed away from each other most of the day. He did push me to bake something and I really didn't want to, but I made cookies. They did turn out pretty good and he heated up dinner for us. 

Today he seemed okay, but God knows who he'll be when he gets back. Ugh! I just need to get something to eat and keep my mind busy!

There is NO Excuse for Abuse

Well, I saw this coming for awhile. My friends Scott and Kathleen are heading for a divorce. To be honest they have for a couple or years now. They were tied financially, of course, but there were things going on that I should have gotten more involved with, but didn't because I was worried about losing my friendships I guess. But as it turns out, when Kathleen told me what had really been going on for awhile and what I had witness and experienced part of myself I looked up domestic violence. There are specific warning signs and Scott hit every single point. Plus some of these things overlap Narcissism. I think he has tendencies of Narcissism but he's not full on. But he s verbally abusive an he does have a tendency to think just because he says sorry to you that you're instantly supposed to forgive him and act like nothing happened. I can do that because I have lived in a family where there would be a verbal altercation and then once it was over everyone pretended like it didn't happen. I can compartmentalize stuff because of it, I think. Anyway, I love him, we have been friends for years and I hate the pain he's in, but I have even asked Kathleen why she was still with him before. I'm not saying she's perfect either. They both let this go on way longer than they should have. It's possible to literally kill someone's love for you by your words and actions and I honestly feel he doesn't get that. I told him point blank that I wouldn't have put up with his shit. He would have been in jail at least once and that's if I even stayed around after that! Then he tells me he knows he's abusive and that he'll go get help for it. I told him I would have given him an ultimatum - get help or get out! But then I thought about here at my mom's house doing laundry that HE should have gotten help after the first time he hit her! So he can't blame her for staying and not leaving or demanding that he get help. Scott should have done it himself! I mean, come on! After once if you''re not in jail you know something is wrong with you! If you want a loving relationship wouldn't you take it on yourself to get help instead of waiting for the other person to say it? Because basically you're saying - if you don't tell me to get help I'm just going to stay the abusive jerk I am. Okay, maybe a lot of this is anger. But I made Kathleen promise me that if he touched her in a violent way again that she would drop him off and go or call the police. After being through something similar, I will NEVER put up with it again. That's why when he started talking to me about moving out together - I had considered it. But really thinking it through,, I can't be with someone abusive and I have already experienced the verbal abuse. He wouldn't dare touch me because I told him what I told Kathleen. That she needed to call the cops on his ass if he ever did it again. I feel like I am just bagging on him, bu how am I supposed to be more angry with Kathleen for having online affairs when he's driven out the love she had for him and he doesn't get it. And let's face it, when our needs are not getting met we turn to other people for that. I'm not saying it's a good or wise choice, but faced with abuse constantly - not physical as much, but a lot of verbal abuse. It will kill all feeling for someone or turn them into someone that hates you. And when I get triggered by Scott's crap that says something. I have gone through a lot of verbal abuse in my time and I am pretty good with coping, but with all this going on it's effecting me. I'm having nightmares every night. It sucks! Last night I dreamed about sharks and kids and trying to rescue this little girl while trying not to be eaten myself. Another one where somehow I had set my blanket on fire, though it wasn't really fire. It was like it was melting my blanket away in some weird fashion. I was able to make it stop, but my blanket was warped after that. I have had many other nightmares, but these were the ones I remember just from last night. 

I just feel so in the middle and maybe I put myself there I still love Scott. I really do and I will probably be his friend forever if it's meant to be, but I also think this marriage of theirs should end and Kathleen has told him she is done. And Scott loves to say that he doesn't talk bad about anyone . . . yeah, right and I don't just mean about Kathleen. He's talked shit behind my back too. Generally my rule is everyone talks behind everyone's back. Just keep it out of my earshot. But then he tells his mother and cousin about this crap going on. Nice, right? If he wanted to honestly make the marriage work, he would have shut his mouth and found a good friend to talk to, but I think the problem is I'm his real, honest friend. He has work friends and whatnot, but no one really close. That's something that my Ex-Husband ha in common with Jason. That and talking to his parents an of course, just telling his version of events to make me out to be the bad guy. Then he would twist things around again and turn it to me that his parents didn't like me (They actually did like me - well his mom did. I think John is a lot like his father if that says anything). I mean, if I needed to talk to someone, I found a friend and sometimes I didn't tell anyone. In fact, my parents didn't know my Ex had hit me until the divorce when my son told him of an incident where he witnessed it. My mom didn't really understand and for years after kept asking me if I missed John and didn't I ever want to get back together with him? Yeah, are you on drugs?? Anyway, when my dad asked about it I told him the truth. I never wanted to tell him while  was married because my Dad use to love to tell about his friends that had been in the mob. I met one of the guys and he was wonderfully nice to me! Anyway, I figured if my Dad knew that he would see to it that John never did that to me again. But you know, the physical was never as bad as the emotional and verbal abuse. I grew up with it, so I can vouch for that 100%. 

But all of this are just bringing up things up for me. It makes it hard on me because I do love Scott, but I can't abide the way he's treated Kathleen. I just can't. I did point things out to him today, but the sense is that he really isn't wanting to truly change. I could be wrong, but he should have tried to from the very first inkling of abuse. I just think he says it to try to keep things together and whatnot. I don't think he wants to admit anything is really his fault. He says how good he's been and he does have a generous streak, but then, he uses it for ammunition later. This is abuse. NO ONE should ever hold something like that over someone's head. Either you did it to be generous - in which case that would be the end of it. But if it's not and they use it as "I did this for you," then it's abuse. Generosity is given, not used later to inflict pain. 

Okay, I'm starting to lose my way on this a little bit. I guess I still have so much anger toward people that abuse others, not just me. And I do love Scott, but I can't keep putting me and Cassi in the way of his abuse. I just haven't been willing to confront him because I don't want more strife for us, but it's not fair that he gets away with it on any of us and I guess it's hard for me to actually see him for what he is - an abuser. Not to say I didn't see it before, but it was a lot worse than I knew. It hurts, but it is what it is. It's the truth. He needs help for himself if he EVER hopes to get into another relationship. But this one with Kathleen is over. He said he felt like both Kathleen and I didn't want him there that we'd be happier without him. The truth is that it's true. I don't like his drama - HIS house, HIS control, what HE wants and if you don't go along with him . . . well, I'm sure you can figure out how that goes. But his are the only feelings that matter and if he does hurt you, well, then he says he's sorry and you need to forgive him immediately. Of course, he only really apologizes once he realize that he came off like an ass. That he looks like a bad guy and he doesn't want to be the bad guy. I suppose I should be fair and maybe he does feel bad after. But just to think everything is hunky-dory after you say the cruelest remarks you can think of and then apologize after acting like you did nothing wrong? Yeah, that's an issue for me. 

I don't want to be angry with him. I don't want to really take sides though I have because of his own actions, but I'm not going to say he wasn't hurt too during this. Katheen has not been feeling well, She had been very tired and she wanted understanding and comfort from someone that she wasn't getting from her own relationship. He would catch her time and time again. If that wasn't a clear sign things were over, I don't know what was. But this kind of thing happens when you hurt someone so much that you become someone that's not safe to talk to. That you caused the problems and won't do anything about them!

Okay, I think I just ended up in a loop cycle! It all feeds into each other and keeps going until someone say "I am FINISHED!" I think I talked Scott into at least sticking it out for the holidays, if nothing for Kathleen's kids that he claims to love so much. He was talking about leaving Friday - screw her and the kids and leave it at that. I told him that if he really did love those kids he wouldn't do that to THEM! So then he says that him saying that to Kathleen was just a scare tactic. Nice, huh? Did I mention that Scott is a vindictive ass? I don't like that in people either. It's sad because I'm realizing just how much I don't like about him. But he was there for me through my divorce and he helped me get SSI and really has been a support. Of course, get him angry and that because what HE did for me. Been there done that . . . UGH! My head hurts. This sucks. I love them both, but abuse is not acceptable PERIOD! That's where I stick to my guns from here on out. Nothing else I can do.

It's a Relatively Holly Jolly Start to the Holidays

Thanksgiving at my mother's ended up being a lot nicer than I expected. It was me, the kids, Nancy, her boyfriend, Tim and Taylor an of course my mom. Tim pretty much stayed out of everyone's way. That was for the best. Of course, he didn't look very good either. He looked like he was just so tired and in pain with his back. I did feel a bit bad for him. Of course, I found out he took the alarm clock that he had GIVEN to Jordan. What an ass! So though I feel bad for him, I don't feel that bad. He is such a petty horse's ass. But other that unpleasant business (which I found out as we left) I had a great time! The food was delicious as always! Nancy was in a great mood, which I think was due a lot of her boyfriend. He is such a nice guy too! We all chatted a bit and watched James Bond movies. :-) Then they broke out something I hadn't really heard of. I wasn't sure it would be good, but it was delicious! It was called chocolate wine! I didn't have very much knowing I had to drive in a bit, but it does taste like chocolate milk with an aftertaste of alcohol - not wine. But it was delicious! That might be on my want list for sometime next year! Maybe for Valentine's day since it will probably be me celebrating alone, but you know, I am happy with myself so I am okay appreciating the love I have for myself now!

Anyway. we had pie too, though I only had room for a single piece of pie - Black Berry!!! OMG! It was so good!! It was just so nice too have such a good holiday meal! When I went to leave with Cassi, we also took Jordan. He was coming over to spend the night because the next day was our annual feast with Jason and Susan. It was so good!! Then I went to Walmart because the holiday hours had started. I didn't figure in the fact that they had sales going on THEN! Yeah, that's about as close to Black Friday I have been in a long time. It was a little fun after awhile as I figured out how to get places I needed to go AND what's even better is the fact that I got pretty much ALL my Christmas shopping done! Isn't that awesome? It was worth fighting the crowds to get what I needed then rather than later. Cassi however left to home about half an hour in. Jordan stayed with me. Eventually I had to send him to sit down at McDonald's and wait. I joined him after a bit. We hung out and got drinks. When it looked like things had died down I did my last bit of shopping for the night. I went to the book aisle. It had a big line there and I asked what they were waiting for. Turns out there was a Tablet deal going on. But some nice people let me into the book section though it was tight, but I was able to get two books I needed to Christmas presents. 

Then next day I ended up sleeping late so I didn't really help with a lot of it. Of course, I didn't even get home until after 11pm. Susan got the turkey in the oven, made the green salad - YUMMY! I did make my mashed potatoes with sour cream and lots of cheese. And she also made the stuffing and the candied yams! So good! I opened cranberry sauce, but I'm really the only one that eats it. Then we had rolls, a ranch cheese ball with holiday wheat thin crackers, They are really cool looking. My favorite is the snowflake image. :-) Neal and Dillon were supposed to come over, but Dillon ended up having to pull a double shift where he works and Neal didn't want to come without him. As it turned out, it was probably a good thing. The turkey was a bit small and might not have fed all of us. My mom thought the turkey was going to be for the kids and I, but I wanted to save it for our feast. I just wish it had been a couple pounds bigger. It was good though!

Jason wasn't really social unfortunately. Of course, he had to work and by the time he came home he was tired. Susan, Cassi and I ate good! Jordan slept through most of it. He woke up when it was time for pie so he got pie first and then ate his dinner! LOL! Why not have dessert first, right??

It was pretty calm and not as fun as it could have been, but it was still great! The food, us together and I took pix of both Thanksgivings, put I haven't uploaded them yet.

Here is the sucky thing and let this be a warning to those of you that haven't gotten a flu shot yet - the very next day after that, Cassi came down with the flu! Plus, I was completely broke until December 2nd. Good thing I still had some cough and flu pills from the last cold I had. Then I also gave her some ibuprofen to help ease the pain. She aalso had a fever though I don't know how bad it was. I didn't have a thermometer and neither did Susan. But she was hot to the touch. Sunday, I kept an eye on her too and I was going something else, but I can't think now. I guess my brain had been a bit fuzzy ever since Cassi got sick. She is finally starting to feeling better today. YAY!!! Tomorrow is school for her! ;-)

Yesterday was the busiest day I've had in a LONG time, though it was good! I was just so tired by the time evening rolled around. Basically, I had to wake up early, get myself ready, have Jason get ready, call Jordan and make sure he got ready. After that, I took Jordan to his annual at Heartland which always takes awhile. So from there, I went to the bank with Jason. I NEEDED to get money into my account because there was something that became overdrawn Sunday. I was worried that I'd have to pay a fee, but thought maybe I could get away with paying Monday because the 1st had been Sunday. Needless to say it was the right decision! But it took so long at the bank that I was almost late getting Jason to a trolley. After that was settled I went back to Heartland. I helped Jordan with some of the paperwork he was having trouble filling out. Finally his therapist came out to check on them and she said she would help him get it done. Then Lisa saw me and asked if I was going to come to group. Realizing that Jordan would still be awhile I let him know where I was and wen't to the group! It was awesome! I needed a refresher for this particular group and I realize that this like cognitive therapy is basically what I use regularly to ease my symptoms when I get upset. It was great! I loved it. I am going to try to go to groups tomorrow too. Cognitive therapy and social skills - though last time we mostly just talked with each other. Maybe that's what makes it social skills! :-)

Anyway, I got out of group about the same time Jordan got his annual done! He got a couple of appointments settled for his Pdoc and Therapist which I put into my phone. From there, we went to Walmart again because I still had a few things to get like tape, Christmas bows and a few other things. After that, he and I went to the Walmart market to get some of his things that he needed. After that, we went to Vine Ripe. I needed oranges and a panettone for a friend's gift. I couldn't help getting some danish cookies as well. Then from there we went to Albertson's for the last couple of items Jordan needed and I picked up  couple more coffee creamers - Salted Caramel Mocha and of course, White Chocolate Raspberry! I'm not a big fan of white chocolate, but this creamer is so delicious!!

Cassi did calm me half way through everything feeling like crap. I told her what to grab medicine wise and to gargle with warm salt water and she did. FINALLY Jordan and I got done. Jordan took his stuff inside and put it away while I went in and talked to my mom. She isn't look great these days.She is really weak. She took something to calm her down - and herbal thing that Nancy gave her and it made her dizzy and weak. She won't take that again. I offered to find her something else that might help, but she didn't want me to. She doesn't want to take herbal stuff anymore and I can't blame her. They can screw you up of you're on medication because herbs can be a type of medicine and interact with what you do take. Anyway, my mom had a letter that she wanted me to mail because it had to be in by 5:00pm so it would go out in the mail that day.  After doing that I FINALLY got home!! I buttered a couple pieces of sour dough bread for Cassi because she seemed to be better, but was tired. I was supposed to make some ramen for her, but  just had no energy once I sat down. I did watch the Disney version of "A Christmas Carol" and though I enjoyed there were things about it I just didn't like. Go figure because I love almost all versions of this story. Not that I would mind it in my Christmas movie collection, but I wouldn't go out of my way to get it. 

Sometime after that I crashed - and I was having  hard time sleeping. But when I did finally sleep, something fell on me from my window so I woke up. To my surprise it was one of our snakes! They both got loose in the house and we hadn't found either one since. But I found Sunny (Aphrodite) trying to get out my window. I was so excited to see her! I ended up waking up Cassi. I tried fixing the screen for the tank as good as I could. I hated to do it, but I woke up Susan to get some packing tape. It has worked so far. So next I want to go out and get Duct Tape. So now, after eating and having more than two cups of coffee I am ready to go and get some. Yay! 

So that's my catch up! So for the most part this has been a good start to the month, though I am pretty much broke until around the 20th of the month. I am also excited because next week, we're going to get the Christmas tree!!! I can't wait! Have I mentioned how much I LOVE the holidays!!! :-D Because I LOVE the holidays! 

Until next time!

Gearing Up for the Holidays

Well, what can I say? Monday night I took a bath to do some reading - yes the tub is my reading place! LOL! I was reading "I, Alex Cross" by James Patterson. I was about half way through it when I picked up. My mistake was not putting it down. The farther I got the most I had to know how it was going to end! Do that ever happen to you? Anyway, I ended up reading the rest of the book! I was in the tub for something like 4.5 hours. And in a lot of ways it was worth it, but it took a lot out of me the next day. I was up until about 1:00am and then I woke up around 9:00am give or take. I used to be able to go on the littlest amount of sleep and still function properly. But now? Nope. Yesterday, I crashed at 4:30pm. Was woken up around 7:00pm to have some dinner, then I went back to sleep and though I woke up a lot I didn't want to wake today at 8:30am. But I did!! And I perked up as the day went on though I am getting amazingly tired.

Yesterday was good too. Marissa came over with a woman that works with Cassi at school and we talked. It was good to find out what was going on in school with her, which she has been doing good for the most part until last week. I'll sit Cassi down and speak with her and see if there is something I can do for her or set a new rule for her to get her bus pass. I also found out about an assignment she has to do for English and it should be a snap for her. Five paragraphs about what she would like to change about herself. 

Marissa and I also talked about my own mental health. I have had some rocky days on and off for a bit and I told her I was thinking about going back to the CBT classes at Heartland (CBT = Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). She thought that was a good idea and we made that as my goal this week. She was happy to hear that I went. Marissa is such an awesome person and really encourages me. She also says that she gets a lot out of working with me too. In fact, I'm going to be helping her with more mental health stuff because as I go to the groups at Heartland I can share more and more with her - papers, exercises and stuff like that! We are also going to discuss more about my budget not so much next month but January. We also talked a bit about the coming new year and things I might want to work on achieving  - one of which is getting back on my protein shakes and get back to working on myself again. That's the main one! :-) There are a couple more, but that's the top one on my mind. But she set me in a good mood. 

After that, I took my mom to Walmart so she could do some shopping. I had to go slow. LOL! But I didn't mind. My mom was nice enough to buy me a steno pad that I can use for my budgeting. The one I was using disappeared. Literally. I checked everywhere and it was just gone. It sucked because now I am thinking I have left something off on my list of things to pay. But I'm sure I have everything. There's still that doubt though. She also got me some fabreeze which I have been using in my car. I need to get another one for my room. My mom also got me my Christmas present! Yeah, it kind of sucks in some ways, but you know, at least I get something I want and it fits. Not that it wouldn't 4X fits me perfect.

When I got home though, I was exhausted! I came in, grabbed a cup of coffee to perk me up . . . nope. I fell asleep! So I was basically asleep by 5:00pm. Was woken up at 7:00pm for some dinner - which was good! Then I went back to sleep after that. I woke up several times last night, but I slept until 8:30am. I did start perking up though! I got dressed, got water, gave Karissa treats, feed the fish . . . Then I went to my CBT group - which it's CBT/Coping skills together followed by Social Skills. I really don't need social skills, but I enjoy being social in that class. I still remembered most of the CBT, though the Arrow Technique I definitely needed a refresher. My happy level on a scale of 1 - 10 my first level was about a 7, which is pretty good. After the first group, I was up to an 8. 

When I came home after class I had a WONDERFUL surprise! My $50 check came in!! I needed that check earlier in the week, but since I had some fuel help I was able to take the money and use it toward Christmas! Yay! SO I went to the bank to cash the check, went to McDonald's to get a large Caramel Iced Coffee and somewhere between there I lost $10. I didn't know though, until I checked out and had to put more back than I wanted to. It turned into a very nice moment though. The woman behind me gave me a couple of bucks to at least get the hot chocolates I wanted. I got Peppermint Hot Cocoa mixes for gifts and the box of hot chocolate as gifts too. I still have a lot of get for Christmas, but I think I can do it this year and I LOVE giving to my friends and my mom.

But it was so nice to start on my Christmas shopping!! Totally awesome! I can't say much, but I got some big mugs that come with a spoon. I did also grab a $5 Christmas movie for myself - Eloise at Christmastime. It is such a cute movie! I can't wait to do the rest of my shopping! I love Christmastime! It's the best time of the year! For me anyway! It makes me even happier to actually be able to give gifts. There were so many years I just couldn't. So far a good opening for the Holidays! Yay!!

Now tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I'll be going to my mother's. On Friday Jason, Susan, myself, the kids and a couple other friends are getting together for another Thanksgiving. THAT is the one I REALLY look forward too! Now I just have to remember to take pix!!! :-)

Sunshine On Me!

Well, I feel kind of tired today. I was up LATE last night. I was up to 1:00am or a little longer than that! Originally I stayed up last night because I thought I had to pick Cassi and her friends up from a concert at Soma. In fact, one of the moms gave me fuel money. I don't think the kids told her they got a ride home from someone else. But it must have been God because I was expecting $50 and it didn't show up this month. I didn't know how I was going to make it to December 1st with as little fuel I had left. But now, I have fuel and it will last me! God knew and He provided! Anyway, I was still awake when they came home. I just wanted to make sure they got home okay. Once they did, I stopped working on Facebook and FINALLY try to sleep.

When I did fall asleep I had different dreams. But the one that stands out the most for me is one where I was finding ants on me in bed and as I got up I saw rows of ants not just on the bed, but on the floor on the carpet. That freaked me out! LOL! I still have a HUGE paranoia of ants! It didn't help that I did find one crawling on me yesterday. But it was just one and there was no rows of ants! But I guess the paranoia stuck with me into dreamland. 

Yesterday was awesome! I woke up feeling great! I got things done! I also got almost every Facebook page updated. Some require more work than others. My holidays one takes the most! But I celebrate the seasons and traditional holidays. Of course, anything else I find I do add - like Friday the 13th is coming up next month and I have pix saved on my computer to post for fun! Right now though, I am celebrating autumn, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Soon it will be Christmas and New Years! I do a countdown too! It ends on January 1st. After that it will go to Valentine's Day, maybe President Birthdays and definitely St. Patty's Day! We'll go from there! One of my pages I'm actually an admin of, but everyone loves what I post! So I try to post as many good pix of what fits the page each day!

I also took care of the cats and the fish. I was going to do some reading, but it was really too late by the time I thought about it. That's where I do my reading! LOL! And I am into a great book by James Patterson, "I, Alex Cross" and it is so good! I get sucked into the Alex Cross books! So far, there is nothing better! I can't wait to read them all! Next month I would really like to get "Merry Christmas, Alex Cross." I figure it's fitting! :-D I also found out what kind of books Susan really likes so it's giving me more ideas! I guess my Christmas list isn't set it stone yet! Anything could change!

Today I woke up tired. I was up before 9:00am though I was up so late. I wanted to go back to sleep, but after getting a little put off by Jason raising his voice - not to me. He was just frustrated over something - and then Cassi needing things I just went ahead and got up. Goodness knows I needed coffee! LOL! OMG! White Chocolate Raspberry is one of the BEST creamers ever! I think I have a new fav and it kinda sucks because this one is one out at one time of year! Ah well . . . There's always Almond Joy!

I was a little stressed about Cassi today, but you know, she's going to be dating and she's on a date today - her and her new beau went to the movies! He took her to see "Catching Fire." I hope they enjoy it. It made me feel better that it's someone several of her friends know and are friends with. I hope she hangs onto this one for awhile - give her a taste of a real relationship, but she does go through boys like tissue paper. But it would be nice! 

Then Susan and I had a nice chat. We really don't talk that often like that even though we live in the same place, but we are usually doing other things and sometimes aren't that chatty. But today we had a nice talk! We talked about all kinds of stuff! Books, movies, stories and games and history . . . Awesome! It was nice! I don't often talk to people in RL anymore! I know, I'm weird. I chat on the phone a little, write letters a little and write emails a little. I don't do a lot of any of them. Guess I'm too wrapped up in my own thoughts a lot of the times!

Another really good thing is I'm going to try to reserve enough fuel to go to Heartland once a week, if I can, to participate in a couple of their classes again. I want to go to Cognitive Therapy and maybe Coping Skills. It depends what class is before Cog therapy or after. But I think it would be a positive step for me to get me out of the house a bit and get back to taking care of me! So I'm hoping maybe Wednesday to go to Heartland. I think they're open until the day before Thanksgiving. I will call tomorrow morning and find out.

Oh and last night was great! Jordan got his favorite dinner by Susan for his Birthday - Chicken Parmesan. I have to say it was delicious! But I ate too much and was sick for a couple of hours. I was thinking about making myself throw up to relieve the pain. But I distracted myself with something - I think the internet. Then by the time I pulled away, I was better. I was finally able to take my meds and drink some water. Had I tried earlier I really would have thrown up! But it was great to have Jordan here and have dinner with him. Jason let him order a movie for his birthday so he rented "Inglorious Bastards." I hadn't actually seen the whole thing before - though I recently bought it for $5. It was good and a bit gory. Of course, it being a Quinten Terentino (sp?) movie  it's expected. Jason went into the back room and Susan put her ear buds in. Neither liked the movie for it's gore! LOL! Some of it was pretty brutal like the scalping scenes! But considering it was being done on the Nazis (in the movie) it seemed appropriate to me! LOL! Okay, maybe that's creepy! What can I say? They were BAD guys!

Well, I have had a ton of coffee today. I still feel exhausted, but I still need to work on the Facebook pages. I will get to them, though it will be a question of when, because I am thinking about taking a bath and doing some reading. I don't want to wait until it's too late. Hopefully I will sleep tonight! Anyway, I guess that's it for now!

Catch Ya Later!

Back On the Horse

FINALLY I can write and FINALLY I feel better! For a couple of weeks there, I wasn't feeling like myself. In fact, my depression got a hold of me. That's never fun. The meds help most times, but other times the feelings over-rule the meds. Medication is never 100% and who would really want that? I don't want to be a robot, but I sure could do without the bouts of depression! In fact, a little happy happy would be welcomed for a few days! :-) Of course, going up and down is not exactly what we want, but still . . . some energy and feeling great is a wonderful!

My sister came back to town and I thought she might stay through the Holidays, but as a fantastic surprise me, she LEFT!!! Thank God! I mean, wow! I think that's why my mom didn't want the kids and I there. She didn't want to take any chances with a fight. But the thing is, I'm not the one that starts crap! Tim is coming though and he, alone, causes arguments. For 4th of July when I went to pick up Jordan from my mom's (his Grandma) and apparently before I got there Tim got into an argument with Nancy - who stays with Grandma now to watch out for her and help her around the house.There is always the chance he could start something with her. He usually don't start crap with me because I don't like debates. I won't engage in them. Of course, now that I have said this, he's going to start crap with me this time! But now that Diana is gone the kids and I are invited to Thanksgiving dinner after all!

This week has been pretty good except for a couple of days where I was just so down. One day, in fact, I literally slept on and off all day! Then I had no energy. I couldn't get myself motivated to do much of anything. When I talked to my therapist I unloaded a bunch of stuff that was hanging out inside me. In fact, I was bottling it up and that doesn't usually happen to me. But I felt like I couldn't say anything to anyone. It sucked! But once I unloaded it, I started feeling much better. I need to do a better job of not holding crap in. It was just so personal that I couldn't write it on here in case the friends involved read this. It would effect them negatively and that's something I won't do. There are some things that ARE better left unsaid. But it didn't benefit me any! LOL! But it was better to save the feelings of such good friends. 

One of the best things from Cassi's school was getting help through the Parent Advocate. Her name is Marissa and she is AWESOME! She has been helping me move forward in my life. She is trying to help me find other housing. I'm almost ready to move out on my own though it scares me to death! But I can't stay with Jason and Susan forever. Cassi and I need a place we can call our own. And if Jordan could get a job he could move in with us and it would help out all the way around! :-) I am so worried about bills though. Not sure how I would afford them. But somehow I have to make it work relatively soon. My goal is to move out sometime next year. I am crossing my fingers! LOL! Pray for me!! Please!!! :-P

I also have Christmas gift ideas for everyone this year! I am hoping I have enough money for it all. It's not tons of stuff and it's not completely expensive, but I like being able to give family and friends gifts! It means a lot of me because for so long I couldn't do it. If I have planned it right I should be able to get gifts for everyone this year! :-) I so hope so! Next year might be too tight so I want this year to show how much I love and appreciate everyone. I want to post what I'm going to try to get, but again, should any one come across it . . . Well anyway, I want to make Christmas special for as many of my friends as possible. Though it's going to be limited to local friends. That's the unfortunate part because I couldn't afford shipping on top of gifts. :-( But I do have Christmas Cards already and I've been making notes for my Christmas newsletter. My memory is so bad sometimes that I actually had to go through my camera and look at the pix so that I could remember the things that went on. Bad, right? LOL! But I as able to pull a lot of stuff out that I can share. But I want to get through Thanksgiving before I actually start writing the newsletter so I can include as much as I can into this one. It should be great! Of course, it's only for friends. Family . . . not so much!

What else can I say? Tonight is Jordan's birthday dinner. Jason and Susan do this for Jordan every year. This time his girlfriend is coming and I know he's going to LOVE that! Susan is also making his request and favorite - Parmesan Chicken. Yum!!! Her's is delicious! So needless to say I am looking forward to dinner tonight. Jordan already got his present - Ice Cream (Great Value version of Extreme Moose Tracks). He loved each and every bite! Yep! He ate the whole thing! When Susan and I took his ice cream to him I just didn't want to let go of him when I hugged him. I actually felt like crying as we left.  was so emotional that day. Not that I don't love him with all my heart, but I usually don't cry when I leave. It's not like he's moving away or anything. We live in the same county and only about 7 miles apart. I just wanted to hold him like he was little all over again. Time flies . . . I can't believe he's 22 years old now and that Cassi is 16  years old! They are so growing up on me!

Well, I think I am going to close this up. There are things I still need to do around here before it gets too much later. Hopefully I'll be able to write another Note from my Insane Mind tomorrow and yack all about Jordan's Birthday dinner! 

Until next time . . .

A Nasty Suprise

Yeah, I got a very nasty surprise yesterday. I was still a little down, but today I feel great! I am thinking it's because no one is hear with me today. I don't have to worry about Jason's moods or Susan snapping at Cassi or with Jason and Susan arguing with each other and worrying if it's going to spill over to me. Yesterday Jason was a putz again. I just left him alone, but I thought it was rude of him to just sit out there in the living room and just tell me he needed to be alone. I understand why he needed to do that - it was because he had to make an important call and he needed to be able to hear, but he didn't tell me when it was over and when I asked he said he just wanted to be alone because he never got time alone in the house. He said I could come out, but I just told him, next time tell me. But it did irritate me. Not that I was going to stay out there for long, but I just wanted to talk to him. So shutting me out didn't go over well with me.

I just feel like I can't talk to him anymore. I can't keep walking on egg shells around him. I  mean, I did enough of that when I lived with my mom and my sister. She was verbally and emotionally abusive to an extreme. I always felt like I was waiting for the next explosion and I'm starting to feel that way with him. It might get better, but I don't know. It doesn't seem likely with the stress of the holidays. The holidays are great! But I also know it comes with stress and he doesn't deal well with stress. But it has cemented my desire to move. My goal is to try to move out sometime next year. I'm not going to spend a minute more than I have to with someone that triggers me as often as he has been lately.

But here's the REALLY nasty surprise. I just mentioned my sister, right? And how abusive she was. Well, she's in town and staying with our mom. She is going to be here through Thanksgiving at least and possibly to Christmas. When my son, Jordan, told me I just about threw up with anxiety and I had massive panic attacks. I tried to deep breathe to calm me down and I eventually got a hold of my therapist, but I had NEVER had a reaction this bad to an abuser before. That just says how badly she abused me, I guess. I was freaking out because I wasn't sure I could deal with her, my mother and my brother Tim. God only knows if Wes is going to show up. After all, mom doesn't have very many Holidays left. I want to be there, but now I know why my mom was hoping I had somewhere else to go. I think I'm going to be there, but I'll talk to my mom. If she really doesn't want me there because it will stress her out, I'll just pick up Jordan and we'll come back to the apartment and spend the day together. Cassi might go to a friend's house if she can because she won't go near Diana. She says if she does bad things might happen and she doesn't want to stress out Grandma. I was telling myself I'm going to go and just deal with it, but it really does depend on what my mom wants me to do.

At least I feel better today. I felt much better after talking with my therapist. He helped me through it. And I wrote about it a little bit. Once I was able to calm down, I was ready to realizing that things will probably be okay. But it still comes down to my mom.

I woke up in a good mood! That's always a good thing. I didn't have nightmares, at least none I remember - the night before I had a couple bad ones! It threw me off then with Jason . . . But today I woke up feeling good! I got dressed, gave Karissa treats and fed our Bettas - Tucker and King Sushi II. I was running late, but I got to Cassi's 30 day review. Though I was 5 minutes late they weren't ready so I guess I was still technically early! LOL! But it went well, though some teachers weren't able to make it. There were a lot of teachers being gone for training purposes this week. All in all, Cassi has been doing much better, except in Math. She doesn't do well with math online. She needs book and paper and some extra help. Her attendance has been great! But her moods are still shifting a lot. Either the prozac isn't really working that well or it needs to be upped. If nothing else the doctor will try her on Lamictal, which I am all for. It is an awesome mood stabilizer! Well, for those who can take it. Some people are allergic. But I since it works for me, it might work on Cassi! But I am just glad she is definitely moving in a positive way forward. I have great hope for her.

And my positive note for myself today is that I am Grateful for the Country I live in! Go USA! LOL! :-) I just feel good, though I'm tired and now my cramps are acting up! Ugh! Time for Ibuprofen, so I guess I should wrap this us! I just hope tomorrow is just as good as today. Oh and my mom bought me a turkey!! Now Susan, Jason, the kids and I can have our 2nd Thanksgiving! Yay! Well, I think I'm getting over the nasty surprise. And who knows, maybe Diana will be nice to me now that I don't live with mom. Anything is possible!

To Trust or Not to Trust

Okay, so it's taken me awhile to write another blog entry. I've had some up and down times and I wasn't sure I wanted to post about it or not. Plus, I kept forgetting to write in the mornings because I'm not used to it, but also when I forgot I ended up too tired at night as I've mentioned before. I need to get back to this being about my life. I haven't wanted to post anything about the not so great times lately because I don't want to hurt my friends' feelings should they come across this, but the thing is, this is how I get my emotions out. At least I don't give out full names like other people I have known, but I need to do what's good for my emotional well being.

Not that things have been terrible, but there have been some pretty difficult days. I love Jason, but when he's angry he doesn't care about what he says or who he hurts. Because he's angry he seems to believe he can say whatever he wants. No one else matters, until he realizes that he screwed up. Then he apologizes. The thing is, even if you apologize, which for the most part I accept usually without issue, he's done it enough times that I have felt emotionally drained. I pick up on his moods to try to avoid him when he's in those moods. But it doesn't always work. Then I start having responses that I used to have at my mother's when she was constantly verbally abusing me and having my siblings doing the same thing. I keep to myself. I won't go around him as much as I used to. I get a REALLY strong startle reflex like any big sudden noise I will flinch and a lot of times I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him. I mean, I think about what I say before I say it most of the time, because I don't WANT to hurt anyone, but he doesn't and he always apologizes after and then expects to be forgiven as soon as he apologizes. That doesn't happen with me. Sometimes it takes a couple of days. But over this last incident, he really verbally abused me. He started yelling at me because I raised my voice so he could hear me from my room. He literally went off on me. I won't go into the whole details of what he said, but he put me down as a mother and a person, hitting  me in my weak points. Not like everyone doesn't have some, right? But he was brutal about it. I had to take him up with Cassi and her friend Alyssa to Susan's work. I barely spoke to him though he apologized. He's made me cry and that's hard to do and I don't get over stuff like that easily. That seriously eroded my trust in him and he doesn't know that. But you can't just abuse people and expect things to go back to normal. I have forgiven him for the most part, but things won't be the way they were. There is a part of me that will always see him as a threat. Because if he can do that to me once, he can do it to me again. And I will say this isn't the first time. But it had best be the last or I don't know if I can forgive him again. He just acted way too much like my emotionally abusive family.  I guess I might still have some lingering PTSD. It triggered me big time. So many people just don't understand that words can hurt so deeply. Sometimes worse than physical pain, Physical pain can eventually heal - most times. But the emotional and mental abuse will never completely go away.

Then I have been keeping an eye on Cassi. Jason went after her about a week ago too. It had causes a different argument between all of us - Cassi and I against Jason and Susan. I was pissed. Nothing I could really do. I took her out of the house and I was going to take her to a friend's place to stay the night, but she changed her mind and we went back to the apartment. She eventually apologized to them and talked to both of them. But then he started shit again after that week! This last week I have just been so tired of his crap! I mean, Cassi and I aren't perfect, but it always comes down to something hurt him, he's angry about something, he feels slighted . . . But no one else is really allowed to feel that way and if we do he argues it! And God forbid we should act out like he does! Okay, I guess I still have some anger issues to resolve. 

The good thing was that Cassi did get to go up to Knott's Berry Farm for her sweet 16 this last weekend. Jason and Susan were nice enough to take her and Alyssa there. She seemed happy and then yesterday was her actually birthday. She's a Veterans Day baby. She hung out with her friend AJ most of the day. She ha actually wanted to take him and go down to OB. But I didn't have $5 to give them so that AJ could go with her and Jason and Susan don't feel like they should pay for AJ, which I totally understand, but it was Cassi's birthday. But it seemed she had a good day. Jason made Shake N Bake BBQ Chicken with mashed potatoes and broccoli. Then I had bakes her a cake and Susan had picked out some ice cream from the store. But by the time we had the cake and ice cream she was seriously depressed which worried me. Jason and Susan both noticed and were as concerned as I was. I talked to Cass a bit, but she didn't know why she was feeling that way. She went to bed shortly after that. I had forgotten to give her the card I had bought for her, so I got it ready and went out to her to see if she was awake. She was so he read the card and I think it made a little difference. I usually get funny cards, but this was one of the sweet cards and I just told her how much she meant to me. She loved the card and that made me happy. I am going to ask her how she's doing when she gets back this afternoon t gauge how she's feeling today. I am hoping she feels better. I did take a couple of photos, not as many was I would have liked, but when I saw how depressed she was, I just couldn't take that many.

Also, here's something. Within three days, I fell down twice! The first time was in the hall. I think I tripped over my pajama bottoms. They're a size to big for me. But I tried to recover only to la my shouldn't into the wall of my room. I was more shaken up than anything else. I was a bit sore the next day, but I recovered. Then a day after that, I was cleaning out Karissa's litter box, went to get up and one of my legs buckled under me. I slammed my ring finger toe into something and boy did it quickly swell and turn an icky shade of purple. At least my toe nail was fine! It hurt so much that day though. I could barely put pressure on it. I was worried that it was broken, but I realized that the most the doctor could do was tape it to another toe and I thought, what's the point? The next day it was tender, but I would walk on it okay and today, it's back to normal, though not to color! :-) Soon though, I hope!

As for my mood, it's been a bit down myself after this past week of crap. I am doing what I can to stay positive and I believe I am moving forward. I have a parent advocate from Cassi's school that's going to try to see  me once a week to help me manage my emotions and to get more organized. Plus help me find a place to eventually move to. I mean, I make the calls, but she finds me the resources to try. I just wish I could get Section 8 like now, but I could still be waiting for a few years before I get it. Ugh! I do want to move out in the new year. That's one of my goals, but places I've called recently have no open waiting lists or they are no longer low income housing. It sucks and I can only move to certain areas because I can't move away from my resources like Therapy and my Psychiatrist. People tell me to get a new one, but I have been with these people for YEARS!!! At least a decade! I can't just go somewhere else. These people know me. I know them. They listen to me. I have a say in my treatment. I have had some bad Pdocs and Therapists too. I don't want to try to find new people that might end up not as good! I can't afford that with my bipolar II and my anxiety and panic attack disorders. So I am looking at Santee, El Cajon, Spring Valley and La Mesa. That's it. I can get to El Cajon from any of those places without using up a ton of fuel.

As far as today goes I'm a little on the downside. Not too terrible, but enough here I don't feel great. However, I did read my positive statement for the day. Today was that I was grateful for coffee! :-) I am grateful for it! In fact, I drank a bunch of coffee today! Pumpkin Pie Spiced creamer in it! Delish! I was also able to get this done and I think I am going to feel better once I finish and post it. I am extraordinarily tired. I was yesterday morning too. Marissa, the Parent Advocate, was supposed to come over, but she couldn't get into her office so we had to reschedule for Friday. I look forward to her visits. We both get a lot out of them, I think. She had gone through a lot and where she is with her kids is where I am been - kinda. But I think in a lot of ways we support each other. When she comes over we talk for an hour! It is just a bright spot in my day because she really helps me. I have a formula for phone calls now so I can keep track of her I have spoken with and about what and when. It's awesome! She helped me with the idea for the positive statements every day. I want to make more, but sometimes it's not easy to come up with things you like about yourself. I came up with about 20 though and at least 20 things I was grateful for. I think it's important to know what you are blessed with, so you don't forget to be grateful and not just the usual kids, family, friends . . . I'm grateful for good days! I'm grateful to learn. I am grateful for coffee! I am grateful for being able to see the positive even in bad situations. I am grateful for my internal strength. I don't always succeed with the positive statements, but I try and that was Marissa's idea. I had thought about it before, but she inspired me to do it! In fact, I might re-due the cards. Not sure I liked how I did them.

Anyway, I haven't lost my positivity even when I am feeling a little down. I remember that things change. It's the nature of life. Nothing will stay good forever, but it won't stay bad forever either. 

Okay, I think I am done for today. If you made it this far in your reading, thank you for your interest and patience! :-) I hope everyone has a good day and if not, remember things change all the time!

Happy Happy!!

In this case it is a Happy Happy day! I woke up today and I really feel back to my old self, which is a wonderful thing! Yesterday I was okay, but super, super tired. Today, I'm great! I guess whatever was going on with me has finally run its course. At least I hope so! I could barely function yesterday and get things done. Today, I did a lot baking (raspberry muffins and corn bread), I also took care of the kitties! I managed to work on almost all my Facebook pages and a few groups. I have managed to get a bit done so I am happy with myself!

My mind isn't functioning completely. My writing is kind of at a stand still at the moment, but that will change as it always does. All I know is today was definitely a good one! I also called my mom and checked in with her to see how she was doing. She's so tired and it so worries me. I know things are going to come to an end sooner rather than later, but I want her to be okay. I do get a little sad that I'm the one that says, "I love you." She never says it to me first, like it's an after thought to say it because I did. I try not to take it personally. I don't think my mom has the empathy to feel for other people. It's just how she is. I have accepted the fact that she will never love me the way I need to be loved. In fact, she has her own dysfunctions of her own. She won't admit it, but I know it. I lived with her most of my life.

Anyway, other than that, I called Jordan too. I checked in with him and made sure he had taken his medication. Cass took hers before school. I think it might b working. Even Jason said she seemed to be in a better mood lately. At least it doesn't seem to be making her worse! That's always what you worry about with teens and anti-depressants. But so far so good!

Cassi's therapist from her school called me to check in and see how I was doing. That was nice of her. She also wants to set up another family session which is great! For Cassi and I it draws us closer together. I'm supposed to work on a few things to get us to move on, but it's really difficult. I have no extra money, which means no money for a deposit anyway. I don't make enough to live anywhere yet and pay bills too. I'm waiting for Section 8, but that could be another year to three years. That sucks. But we'll see. I also need to have a talk with Jason and Susan about their attempts to parent her, which backfires for them and for me. I end up  having to run interference and try not to upset anyone. I feel like I'm back where I was with my mom. I had to give my mom more respect because she was my mom, but I felt so caught n the middle and that's how I feel now. Maybe I'll talk to Teela and see f she can help me with some pointers on how to approach the subject. I never know how Jason or Susan will react and I don't want any crap. I mean, there are things that have to be rules they put in place like no one spending the night during the week and such as that, but it's up to me to decide what I think is okay for my daughter to do, not them. I mean, sometimes they help me, but a lot of times I feel in the middle and it really just upsets me and makes me feel like I have to placate everyone. I need it to just be me dealing with things with Cassi unless it effects them. Guess we'll see what happens.

Anyway, I suppose that's it for now! Surprisingly enough I managed to get this written tonight! I wasn't too tired! LOL! Yay!! But think I'm going to get more water, maybe check out a couple more things, take my night meds and hit the hay. I have to wake up around 6:20am. Goodnight!

FINALLY!!!

Okay, I have been trying to write an entry for at least a week or two, but by evening I am so tired I can barely concentrate, so it looks like I'm going to have to write these during the day. :-P I don't mind really, it's just I like to be able to recap my day. I'll just have to adjust! Not a problem.

Well, around the first of the month I got sick with a nasty cold! I am thoroughly convinced that adults are not meant to get sick. My daughter had it before me and though she had some symptoms for awhile, she was only really sick for 2-3 days. Me? I was mostly in bed for a week! Ick! I felt so rotten! I'm just glad it's over and I hope I don't get another cold anytime soon. I do need to get a flu shot though. I might make an appointment to go get it this week. Then I can finally get my blood drawn too. I'm not afraid of needles or giving blood, I just haven't wanted to. Plus, I hate to fast. Not like it's a big deal, but I don't like how shaky I get. I'm not a diabetic. The surgery I had for some reason keeps Diabetes at bay. But I think it's the way my body works. I have always been like that. 

Anyway, after my sick week, I got back to normal though I could feel myself falling down a bit emotionally. Of course, that turned out to mostly be my monthly showing up. I started feeling a little better after it was over, of course. However something else happened that really upset me. It's going to sound stupid, at least it does to me, but others have told me that it WAS a violation of me. Basically Jason got upset with me because I let Cassi spend the night with a friend that lives IN OUR COMPLEX on a school night. She's been really good about going to school now that I implemented a new rule. I get her a bus pass every month, but she doesn't actually have to have it. She gets a bus ride to school and home. But she likes to do things on the weekends and visit friends after school. Basically it comes down to either she goes to school or she doesn't get her bus pass for the following month. It works BEAUTIFULLY!! :-D Now she's not fighting me about going to school and I really have her school therapist to thank. She was the one who gave me the idea! I would never have thought of it! Cassi doesn't seem to mind now. It makes a big difference when you actually go all the time! :-D I think she is starting to realize that she can do this! But she really had a hard time in September in regards to the baby she lost. But she is back on track! She's also on some new medication. She's on Prozac. She's on a really low dose at the moment and I'm seeing a little improvement, I think anyway. But she hasn't been on it very long and the full effects don't kick in for six weeks. She's not there yet. We'll see what happens. If this doesn't work he wants to try Lamictal for her. Guess we'll see what happens!

Anyway, but to the story. Basically Jason got angry with me for it and in retaliation he deleted every recording I had on the DVR, including two documentaries I sleep to. I was so angry and it. I stayed hurt for days and I even got a little depressed over it, though I wasn't sure why it was keeping me down. Well, it was a response to the violation he had perpetrated on me. Kind of gave me a flashback. It was something John would do, or my brother would do. It triggered me. I've only recently started going back to myself in the last few days. Just goes to show you how easily we can be triggered to past abuse. 

Well, I have been keeping myself busy. In fact, I guess you can say I'm addicted to Facebook! LOL! I run several groups, though only 3 are really used - Little Bit of Everything, Recipes Collection, Daily Gratitude . . . I also run 5-6 Pages - Karissa da Kit Kat Queen of her Domain, my Writnngs Page, Traditional Holidays Though the Years, Overcoming Abuse, Food for the Holidays, and Christmas Cookies and Candies. Needless to say, I have ways to keep busy. LOL! In fact, I just reactivated Karissa's page and I just created Christmas Cookies and Candies last night. I was looking for a page or a group that would just have Christmas cookie recipes or Christmas baking . . . something . . . but there was nothing that was active or what I wanted in a group or page. So I decided to make my own! I'll have to do all the work, but if I find good recipes I have places to put them. My most active page at the moment is Traditional Holidays Through the Year. I have almost 200 likes for the page itself. I post pix that I find on the web, plus holiday treats, ideas, I ask questions . . . What's cool is that I also have over 30 people like Christmas Cookies and Candies and I made the page at around 10:00pm last night! Of course I did post the new page on my Traditional Holidays Through the Year page.

Today I want to do some baking. I need to decide if I want to make a cake, cup cakes or muffins. I haven't decided yet. But that is on the agenda. But I did call for a prescription refill for myself. Good thing I remembered! I also took my morning meds, gave Karissa treats and fed my fish - Tucker and King Sushi II. I have plenty more to do today of things I need to get done around the house - take care of the cats litter boxes, wash dishes as I get them dirty or make them dirty! But I'm going to have time to watch a couple of things I recorded on the DVR. I also recorded another documentary that I might be able to sleep to. It's the narrator's voice. It's calm and steady. It's soothing to me. Yes, I know I'm weird. :-P

Well, I think that's enough for now. So I hope your day is a good one! Mine will be! :-D

The Middle

Well, I haven't had anything that I have wanted to share over the last few days. They've been good, but a bit stressful. I've also been tired. One of my many issues at night now. I remember when I used to stay up all night and sleep all day as a teenager. I also remember staying up for 36-48 hours at a time, sleeping for 8-10 hours and do it all again. When I lived with my mother and sister, I never wanted to get up. I didn't want to deal with them - the put downs, the threats, the criticism . . . It was just easier to sleep all day and be up all night. I would avoid most of their abuses. Amazingly now, I wake up at around 7am to 10am at the absolute latest and by the time it hits about 8pm, I am done for the night. But tonight I'm a little more awake than usual and I haven't taken my night meds yet. But I'm happy here. I don't feel like I am constantly under attack like I was there.. And because I can wake up happy in the morning, I don't mind doing things around the house. I am no longer being judged on how I do things. I can just do them and be happy! :-) My life has really changed a lot.

There have been stresses though lately. There have been some marital issues. I can't go into it. It's not part of my life, except I feel like I'm in the middle a bit because I love them both. I also feel frustrated that I can't help. Then there's the issue of Cassi. Talk about a teenager with attitude!! I love her with all my heart and wouldn't want my life without her, but she argues everything and she always has an attitude with Jason and Susan. I know she's frustrated too. She doesn't have a room of her own and she feels like they breathe down her neck when they don't. They do try to discipline her from time to time and it doesn't go over well because they don't like how I raise her, but really, they can't do much except kick me out, but they don't want to do that. They love us! But then I feel like I am in between her and them. Then I feel like I get put down as a parent, but it doesn't happen very often. It's just we disagree with my way of doing things. I'm sure they are right on a lot of things, but if I wasn't the way I was, I wouldn't know about all the things she is doing. If I had been a total judgement ass, she still would have done it, I just wouldn't have known about it. Anyway, that's really not here or there. I just need a break from feeling in the middle of people. It drains my energy and brings my mood down. I felt it today, so tomorrow I just want to get up and do my usual things and just enjoy the day and stay out of the way of everyone, you know?

Oh, and I saw my Pdoc Wednesday. It was good! I like where I am with my meds and they work great! Also, they weighed me and I am 315 lbs! I haven't lost weight, but I haven't gained anything either! Which I think is amazing. I have really been eating pretty bad, though I have to say that I may bake a lot now, but I don't over indulge. In fact, I can't seem to have a lot of sweets anymore. I just don't want them much. Maybe that's the start of me losing weight again. I have to say it would be nice to be in the 200's and not the 300's. But I am thrilled that I didn't gain anything. I was really worried when I got on the scale! I was afraid I might have gained like 20 lbs. So glad I didn't! It also makes me feel like maybe if I lost more weight, I would be able to keep it off. Always hope for the future! :-)

Poor Cassi is sick with a cold. She ran herself ragged for about 2-3 days in a row, not getting enough sleep, not eating enough and being around people who were sick. It's been a long time since she's been sick like this though. At least it hasn't kept her down. She finally got some good sleep today and she's been eating. She even felt good enough to hang with her friends outside at the tables. Her friends are a band and she's going to be their official photographer. It might just be a dream, but dreams can be reality. We'll see what happens! 

Oh! And I just finished reading "Roses are Red." This book by James Patterson was great! Even though I knew who was behind everything in the story (been reading the books out of order), the book was amazing! It was thrilling from the beginning to the very end! And the ending was PERFECT! Tomorrow I'll start reading "Violets are Blue." I love his character Detective Alex Cross! I hope he continues to write more books for him, as I catch up with the ones I haven't read it. If you have never read an Alex Cross book by James Patterson and you love action and thrills, mysteries unfolding . . . you'll love it! 

Okay, well I am way late! I should have taken my meds hours ago and been to sleep! LOL! But I needed to get some of this out. At least it wasn't like some of my more unpleasant, angry entries. But it is time for bed and I am definitely ready! I just hope I don't have anymore weird dreams! I had this dream that I was in my mom's place and yet it wasn't. And I kept finding Betta fish in dirty tanks. Some were several in a tank. But as I cleaned them out, they started fighting with each other, so I'm struggling to find different containers to use to separate and clean them, but there had to be like 200 fish! But I just remember I was trying to save them from the bad water and then trying to save them from each other and I was so stressed out, but I kept at it. Go figure. It must symbolize something, but only God would understand I think! LOL!

Okay, bedtime. Goodnight!

It's Good to be Me! :-D

I am so happy to feel more like myself today. Being without my Invega was very hard and messed me up for awhile, but I feel back to normal which is a GREAT thing! :-) I woke up really early this morning, but I think it was because I wanted to make sure Cassi got off to school. She fought me a little bit, but I held firm and she went! :-) I just want her to go and learn, catch up . . . She can do it, she just needs to apply herself. And with the new medication she's supposed to start on Monday, things should start getting better for her. Prozac worked for Jordan and works for me too (in a low dose), so chances it will work for her too. I started feeling better within a week and I noticed a difference in Jordan in a week of taking it, so even though it takes 6 weeks to reach full effectiveness, I hope to see some improvement within the first week. That's what I hope for with her. Anything to pull her out of the depression she's been in for so long. 

Anyway, after Cass went to school, I stayed awake. I made myself some cold pumpkin spiced coffee. Actually half caff. LOL! I brewed the pots with both decaf and regular coffee and the pumpkin pie spice yesterday. It always tastes so much better the next day. I guess it gives the spices enough time to seep into the coffee. 

After that, I got onto the computer for awhile. I posted on my FB pages - "Overcoming Abuse," "Traditional Holidays Through the Year," and my Writings page. I even looked up articles on how to boost self-esteem and stuff on mindfullness. I want my "Overcoming Abuse" page to really be about not just learning that it wasn't your fault you went through abuse, but also ways to cope with the aftermath. I might share my story at some point, but there is so much to tell. Plus my memory isn't the greatest, especially about the abuses. Don't get me wrong, I remember them, but there's a lot I don't remember like exactly when things happened. I can just tell you they did happen. I had to deal with low self-esteem most of my life. I had to learn to be assertive and it took a LONG time before I thought of myself as a good parent or even just a good person. I can honestly say that now I'm away from my abusers I feel so much better. I have become a person that I enjoy waking up to! I like me now! :-)

I also got some time in with Jason before I had to take him to the trolley. I like when we having times in the morning. We get to talk. We get each other since we both struggle with some off the same things and knowing and understanding how someone feels is key to a close relationship. We are close. We've know each other and been close friends for 18 years! :-)

I came back from dropping him at the trolley and made myself more coffee. I started cleaning the stove. It was in serious need of a cleaning. LOL! I also decided to scrub the sinks, but they didn't get as clean as I wanted them to. Guess the only other thing I can do is try lots of bleach and let it sit for a few hours! I also baked some muffins - triple berry chocolate chip. They turned out pretty well! I'm glad I made them!

I also did my other chores. I cleaned out the cats, washed Karissa's dish out, I did more on the computer posting in my groups on FB. I also decided I was going to write a Flash Fiction only I made it a Flash Non-Fiction. I wrote about the last physical fight John and I got into. I made it quick because it was a Flash story (between 100-300 words long). But it was what it was - a blurry remembrance of the traumatic event. It actually started a discussion on a writing group I'm in. 

I have to say one of the best ways to put myself in a better mood is to smile at myself in the mirror in the morning. Adding a silly face after makes me smile more. It can help for sure! Something to try when you feel down. Just don't back down and convince yourself you can't do anything, because when you force yourself and get something done you feel better about yourself. I know it works for me.

I also talked to my therapist. We had a phone session. It ended early because I said everything I needed and he offered his take. I touched on an event that's OVER. I talked to him about Cassi and just life in general - how it had been without the Invega and how better I feel on it. I love talking with him because a lot of times it gives me clarity of thought. That's always a good thing. 

What's funny is I never thought I would be a Betty Domestic. I am still a slob, but I like to take care of things. I like a clean kitchen. I love to bake and cook! I am serious about taking care of my pets - family. I am happy and I feel loved and appreciated here. I am not judged or criticized. Who would have thought that just being happy and feeling needed and wanted could turn me into  one - or as much of one as I can be and still be me! :-)

I made dinner tonight too. I made a Chicken Buffalo Rice dinner - two packages Buffalo Chicken flavored rice, a can of chunk chicken breast and steamed carrots mixed together and served with ranch dressing on top. :-) It as so good!! Jason didn't want any, but he's not big into spices. Not that it's very hot. LOL! He's had it before and liked it. Guess tonight he wasn't in the mood. But I ended my meal with some of the cherry chocolate cobbler I made the other day. It is still so good! Yum! Next time I should heat it a little bit. Mmmmmmmm! 

Well, I guess that's it for this day! On to the Next!!