Kind of Feeling Optimistic!

Okay, it might be the cold medicine I've been taking, but I'm feeling more optimistic. It's a good thing, I think. But I can't be sure it won't just go away. However, I suppose I should enjoy it while I can.

I actually woke up around 11:00am when my mom woke me up to call Jordan and give him Cy's number because Cy had called. Turned out Jordan was going to call me to get Cy's numbers so it worked out well! :-) At that point I figured I might as well stay up. And Diana had a breakfast burrito for me, which was great. I also ate the last of the vanilla yogurt and last of the blueberries. Oh yummy, yummy! I love blueberries when they're nice and plump . . .

After that, I got online for awhile. Put stuff up on my groups. Even wrote some poetry. Then my mom wanted me to take her a couple of places so I closed off the computer and then left. I took my mom to CVS Pharmacy and then to Trader Joe's. At Trader Joe's I took my book out and did a little more reading. But not much. She got done pretty quick.

When we got back home, I turned back on the TV to listen how the Casey Anthony trial was going. I think the Defense really is a mess. But anyway, I decided to create an ad, I guess you could say, for "The Poetry Garden" and then I looked up moms that like poetry. I got through about 20 moms before I called it quits. Then I had dinner. My mom made salad with some chicken in it and fried zucchini. But it wasn't enough fried zucchini to me. I want a couple just for me and she did a couple total. :-( ah well. I also drank apple juice and had a banana. I might have another banana in a bit.

After dinner, I went back to the TV and my computer. I went back to Cafemom and worked on "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" Added some recipes and added photos and something for the weigh loss forum. But what was REALLY COOL! I got two moms to Join "The Poetry Garden!" Isn't that awesome?? It might inspire me to write more. I just have to be in the right mood and have the subject matter in my mind.

Anyway, I will probably do a little more playing on Cafemom and finish watching "Deadliest Catch" followed by "After the Catch." But I want to get to sleep relatively early because I want to wake up tomorrow to make it to class. It's about time I recovered my mood a little bit. Here's hoping this trend continues. I could use some good times now. I don't want to have to wait until July 9th.

Okay, guess that's it. Tomorrow is classes and therapy. Problem is I don't remember where they are. But I have the card and can figure it out, I think. It's good because I could use a therapy session.

Shopping Shopping Everywhere . . .

Woke up about 2:00pm, I think. I went to go see if my mom wanted to go to Costco still, but she was on the couch asleep and I didn't see Diana. I think she might have laid day herself. Apparently they had worked on the yard all morning. I don't know. I haven't looked. I also called the housing people today to make sure that I was still on the Waiting List. After that I basically got on the computer and went to Cafemom. To my pleasant surprise I had a new member in my ~*~Survey Fun~*~ group. That was something I didn't expect so it got me motivated and I finished typing up the survey's that were no working for copy and paste. I had to type them up myself and then post them. I couldn't take them from the site I found, which sucks. It makes it just that much harder for me to post new surveys. I'm going to put forth more effor though. I have a member so it's worth it. :-)

Eventually, my mom told me they wanted to go to Costco and that I should go eat some yogurt and bluberries. I did, of course, and the blueberries were so yummy!! It was perfect! Once they were ready to go I took them to costco, but I let them go in. I stayed in the car and read more of "State of Fear" which just gets better and better. I have less than 150 pages left, I think now. I don't know how long they were in there, but I got through about 60 pages. After they got back I asked if they wanted to go to Walmart because I was going to go there myself or if they wanted to wait until tomorrow I'd take them then. But I was going. They decided to go with me. I hadn't expected it because I really wanted to pick up some movies, but instead we separated and said we'd meet at the McDonald's.

I went to the medicine section first and found an effervesent cold medicine.  After that, I made a b-line to the elevators and headed to the second floor. There was the electronic department and I found what I was looking for - "Red Riding Hood" and then I wanted to get one more movie, but nothing in the $5 bin looked good, so I went to the $10 movies, but nothing catches my eye, because I'm not willing to get a $13 movie. Then I see a movie for $7.50 and it just happens to be a movie I want and need for my collection - "Fast and Furious." I bought them both, stuck them in my purse and headed down. I then grabbed a Woman's World then paid for it and the cold medicine. 

Not seeing my mom or Diana I went to McDonald's, grabbed a soda and sat down to wait. I got to read a little more of my book, which was cool. Then when we came home I went into my room and turned on TV for a bit and spent time with Karissa. I then went out and Diana was finishing up making me two sandwiches to eat. YUMMY! It was chicken, tomato and avacado. I also did help bring stuff in from the car. I grabbed all the bags from the trunk. But Diana was exhausted, my mom was exhausted. I did some dishes too, but then my back started hurting. But I definitely appreciated the sandwiches!

After that, I came back to the bedroom. Karissa isn't liking being left in the dark. Since when we got back it was dark and she kept meowing and meowing. She it to me last night too. LOL! She just doesn't like to be in the room, alone in the dark! But I got back on my computer and back to Cafemom. Finally I checked out a couple of groups that I had been neglecting. I still have one left, but I might save it. I want to do more with my one group "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" I can't believe I'm up to 8 members. I must have been doing something right! :-) I think I'll go back and putter around there more and finish watching "River Monsters" before I take my medicine and medication and go to bed.

Nothing is on the schedule for tomorrow that I know about so we'll see if I finally sit my ass down and watch my new movies. I have wanted to watch "Red Riding Hood" since I saw the previews, so maybe. I think I'll try waking up a little earlier too. Then go to class on Wednesday.

I Can't Breathe Worth Crap, But Not a Bad Day!

I can't breathe worth crap. But today was a little better and more active than yesterday. I did sleep late - but I had to take a lot of meds to get me to sleep.Oh and "Inception" was FANTASTIC!! I loved it. I guess Jordan couldn't keep up with the different levels of the dreams. Guess my crazy mind has no trouble with concepts like that. LOL! Go figure. 

Anyway, I woke up to another great breakfast sandwich. Diana has been really nice to me so far so that's a good thing. If things keep going smoothly, I might clean up my room when they're gone. Or as clean as it can get. I need to turn the mattress around. 

After I ate I took my mom and Diana to Macy's. While they were there I went to the McDonald's in Walmart, got myself a soda and ice cream cone. Then I sat down and pulled out "State of Fear" and started reading. I had a good hour of reading which was great because I got through this really action packed, adrenaline pumping section. I know there's more to come, but WOW! Michael Crichton is AWESOME!

After that, I picked them up and went home. After that, I stuck around home for a bit. Played on Cafemom. I got a new member!! And that member posted too! I am so happy! That really makes me feel good, though I don't have anyone in "The Poetry Garden" yet. I put out an add for both groups and am hoping that I get more members. We'll see. I may have to bump it a couple of times. Then I added a few things to "I'm not Fat! I'm Fluffy" and headed out to Jason and Susan's for dinner. It was so good to hold Cass in my arms for a little bit. I got a bunch of hugs. She had her friend Laikara sleeping over and she wasn't afraid to hug her mom. I think that's special. I got several hugs through out the night. And dinner was fantastic - what I could taste of it. Damn nose. Ugh . . . Jason makes the best BBQ chicken and I couldn't enjoy it to the fullest. I did want dessert though, so on the way home I stopped and McDonald's for a regular Dr. Pepper, an ice cream cone AND an apple and a cherry pie. Pie ala mode.Yummy!

Now it's time for me to relax. I already watched "Finding Bigfoot," which was good. They were in Washington state and they did some calls and got some calls back. It's cool! Then I am watching "THe Glades." This was pretty intresting too. Callie's husband gets beat up by a couple of guys - it was a set up. Think he's trying to talk Callie into going into Witsec. Then the murder takes the case into the Nascar circuit with a dash of bank robbery. After this I'm watching the series finale of "Law and Order: Criminal Intent" and I'm going to try to stay up for "In Plain Sight."

Guess that's it.

A Little Excitement

Okay we're doing this a little early today. I don't see anything happening tonight that would change this. In fact, maybe I'll finally put on "Inception" finally. I wanted the kids to watch it with me, but Jordan didn't like it when he watched it with a friend and Cassie had no interest. Ah well . . . Tonight will be good because it's Saturday and Saturday night is a desert.

Whatelse can I say about today? I woke up after noon and I still wanted to sleep. Diana made me another breakfast sandwich, it was against awesome and I made sure I thanked her for it. But I really have just stayed in my room and on my computer today. Oh, I am excited though. I sent out invites to my groups to some women on Cafemom and I got a new member in "I'm not fat! I'm Fluffy!" That got me so excited - especially because she introduced herself!! So I was happy about that. I also came to the conclusion that my members are coming and visiting the site - reading what I post. But they just aren't participarting. It does mean they are enjoying the site too, so I'm cool with that.

I do have to say that I'm not feeling very well. I have been very rundown today. No energy at all. It was the same as yesterday. I got stuff done, but it was so difficult. And today I just felt so off. Okay and on the depressed side. Then Jason wigged out that Cassie broke her futon claiming she did it on purpose. It pissed me off and we got into it a little. Then I was just going to avoid him for the rest of the night, but he called my mom to have me call him when I didn't answer. I figured it had to be something important. Turns out Greg wants his Guitar back. Supposedly he's going to bring Cassie the guitar he was making for her to begin with that he promised her two years ago. I told Jason not to give it to him unless he brings that other guitar. If he doesn't then don't give it to him. I have to say I'm pretty ticked. He promised her a guitar for two years and now that she has one of his, he wants it back. Not until he produces the one he promised her. That's where I stand on it. He claims he needs it to live. Well, what about his girlfriend who he's going to marry? Where is she? Why isn't she helping him. I mean, if they're getting married she should be helping him. But whatever. So long as he leaves me alone.

Anyway, right now I'm watch "World's Dummest . . ." and tonight is dummest partiers 8. It's pretty funny. I might just watch this until I go to sleep. But I don't know. "Inception" needs to be watched. :-)

Okay, I'm giving it up for the night. I just wish I felt better. I think I need to start going back to classes and working my programs. I was doing so well when I did. I need to pull myself back together again.

Sister's Here And All's Okay

Well, I missed writing my journal entry last night too. I get so wrapped up doing something else, or get too tired and I just didn't do it. It sucks, because I really need to make sure I keep this up. I think in a lot of ways this helps me.

Anyway, last night Diana arrived. She was actually pretty pleasent. She was really tired though still being on Florida time. It took me awhile and I slept like crap, but not because she was here. My nose wouldn't unclog and my nose spray wasn't working. It was so bad that my mom let me sleep until after noon.

Once I was awake, I got dressed. Diana had made me a breakfast sandwich which was great. Then my mom wanted me to take her and Diana to get their nails done. It took a little bit, I took them. It wasn't very far away. In fact, it was near Kahoots so I swung by McDonald's and got myself a Diet Dr. Pepper and went to the pet store. Once there, I got crickets for Tubbie and I got five goldfish for Mr. Crabs. He's eaten at least one already.

Anyway, when I got home, I took in the trash cans. Grabbed a gallon of water from the truck with my purse, my drink and the critters. Once I got into the house, I got the minnows and the crayfish out of the tank, cleaned out the tank, put the water in it and first dumped the crayfish in followed by the minnows and finally the new goldfish. I then gave Tubbie her crickets. After that, I got on the computer and Cafemom until my mom called to let me know they were ready. Picking them up was no problem, but I was feeling drained after that little bit of effort. 

I continued to play on Cafemom until dinner. Dinner was garlic butter shrimp, saute'd veggies which were fantastic and then some bread. I finished off what everyone left. It was definitely tasty. After that, I did most of the dishes and wiped down the counters. But I just went back to Cafemom and watching about Casey Anthony - Tot mom. All I can say is that she better be found guilty. I have no doubt she is. 

I really didn't do much of anything, I guess. Just posted stuff on Cafemom in the groups. Found some good recipes that I might think about trying. And the group owner of Bipolar Diaries let me advertise my groups. Hopefully SOMEONE will join one of the groups. I also found more surveys for my survey fun group. I found an easy way to pull surveys off Bzoink or whatever that site was called.

Anyway, I guess that's it. I'm going to check Cafemom once again before I go to sleep. I'm feeling okay, but kinda in a rut. Like I went several steps backwards instead of moving forward. I guess it's just something I needs to work on. I need to get back to classes and start going to the gym again for swimming. I just have to make sure I do it right, I guess - and have plenty of rash treatment cream. I hate that the pool gives me a rash. Well, that's finally it. Until tomorrow . . .

         

Panic Attack

Today has definitely been a stressful day. I spent most of it sleeping, but it's because of stress and not wanting to wake up. Literally, it's the last day before my lovely sister Diana is coming to visit and I am just dreading it. I thought maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I got Jordan to stay somewhere else. Well, I did that. He's at Tim's. But I don't feel much better. I am still just freaking out and I hate it. It is wearing me down physically and mentally. I am constantly feeling tired. I didn't get up until almost 5:00pm and for much of that time I was fighting off anxiety - my stomach has been turning over and over. I have been shaking on and off. I worry that anything out of place is going to give her a hissy fit. Like my clothes are in the family room. I didn't bring them into my room because I just have no place to put them yet, but I could see her getting on my ass about it. And about how the cat is inside the house now. And the fact that my mother has now put the cat's food somewhere I can't get to it, so I'll have to ask her to get the food for me. Just another thing for her to freak out on me for. 

I know this might just be my mind making things out to be the worst case senario and I can't really know how she's going to act, but my body and mind can't seem to get past how she's treated me before. I can't see how she would have changed much. But I suppose you never know. But I am still dreading her arrival. It sucks to feel this way.

Outside of that I have been really depressed too. I think that's also from her arrival, plus not even having Jordan here and just feeling like I have to be on guard all the time now. 

I did spend several hours on Cafemom putting up more stuff in the groups. Someone actually participated in Moms Without Their Children, which was nice for a change. I was beginning to think no one was ever going to do anything. Kind of like "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" group. I have three other members besides myself and so far I'm the only one posting. Of course, I don't mind too much. I just want to be able to have this group get bigger and better. Maybe eventually people will start participating.

Anyway, I picked up some medication tonight. One of which was ativan. God knows I'll be living off them this month. I also grabbed green tea and a Ben & Jerry's ice cream - cake batter. It was pretty good. I should have gotten Red Velvet cake. Next time I will. I watched "Haunted Collector" which was pretty good. And now I'll take my meds and maybe sleep again. God knows I don't really want to stay up.

Quite a Normal Day

Well, Jordan came home with Taylor and George for a little bit. However, by the time I was waking up, they were leaving and Jordan didn't even say hello or goodbye. That was kind of disheartening. But I got up, got dressed, got my coffee and water. Then I hopped onto the computer and onto Cafemom. I got a new member in my photo group. I didn't think ANYONE was going to join. So that was a nice surprise. I puttered around on my other groups when my mom told me she was ready to go to the bank. I didn't really want to go but like I'm going to say no to my mom about taking her somewhere. It gave me some time to read my book. Though not that much. I got through about four pages. 

After that we stopped at Wendy's to eat. My mom got half sized almond berry chicken salad with a chicken sandwich. I got a large berry salad and a berry tea. I LOVE those salads. And my mom shared her chicken sandwich with me. But I got very upset at one point. Last time I went they told me I could get a refill. This time when I went up for one they told me they didn't refill the berry teas. I was like WHAT?? I had a bit of a fit, but they refilled it. However I made it known that I might be back for the salad but I was NEVER buying that tea again when I could get a sweet tea from McDonald's AND get refills. So I was pretty ticked when I left.

When I got home though, I was back to the computer and watching about Casey Anthony - Tot mom. I think the Defense is doing a lousy job. Which is good because Casey needs to get convicted. I just played on Cafemom. I did try to call Housing to keep my name on the waiting list for Section 8, but I called one minute too late. Ugh!! But I'll call tomorrow. I did text with Jason a bit and Nicole called and I talked to her. I feel like I'm getting into a rut or a depression again. I've been hit with a lot of anxiety - especially at night. I did get hungry again, because we ate so early. I ended up having a salami sandwich and a slice of my mother's lemon meringue pie. OMG! It is so good with a graham cracker crust! My Fav way now.

Anyway, I watched "Deadliest Catch" tonight and I was going to watch "After the Catch," but Nicole called during it. And I'm catching the "19 Kids and Counting." Anna is having a baby - the first grandson and that's exciting so I'm glad I came across the episode. But I think after that I'm going to go to sleep. It's time to call it a day.      

Short But Sweet Day

I can't believe I forgot to write a journal entry last night, but in all honesty, it wasn't like a whole lot happened. I have been on Cafemom most of the time and have been in the groups. I have also been trying to get people to join "I'm Not Fat! I'm Fluffy!" and so far I have had two people join, though they haven't participated yet. I put out something like over 23 posts in that group all by myself. I just want it to be a good group and I'm trying to add things of interest. Like I have a recipe forum, a book forum, a tv forum and movie forum, I have a pets forum. I have tried to think of anything and everything.

Anyway, I got up late. I slept like crap last night. I guess part of that was I was still excited after working on my groups and getting the first new member. Of course, I also read some of "State of Fear" and it's at an exciting part so that was playing through my mind. So I slept kinda late. But getting up, I got coffee. My mom had cooked some apple slices and I ate some of those for breakfast. That worked out great because they were a little warm and soft. Perfect for me to eat. She was going to make applesauce, but why? That was delicious. And dinner was sensational too. Tilapia with crabmeat and bacon. Mmmmmm! It was fantastic. If I could eat like that all the time, I probably would lose weight.

Oh, there was something yesterday that got me worried was Karissa had diahrreah and that just freaks me out. When she doesn't feel well, I can almost see it in her fur. I mean, I don't have the money to take her to a vet and if I lost her, I would literally be in the hospital. She's been the one to hold me together with not having the kids. But today she seems to be doing better. And my mom gave me a green shopping bag and Karissa has been all over it today. She LOVES it. Even now, she's lying on it. Earlier she was almost in it! LOL! I'm just glad she seems to feel better!

Anyway, I'm probably going to watch "Sanctuary" here in a minute and putter on Cafemom a little longer. Then I think I'll go to bed. I have to move my ass tomorrow. I need to try to do some laundry. I need to take a shower and I need to try to clean up my room a bit. But I can do it. I just wish I didn't feel to worn down - and I haven't even done anything!! It really is frustrating.

Well, that's it for now. Oh and Casey Anthony is a BITCH! SHE IS GUILTY!

A Partial Reprieve

Well, today has been quite a day. I slept until 1:00pm or there abouts. I haven't really done too much. I was just watching more on Casey Anthony trial. That bitch needs to go down. But I haven't gone anywhere today. I do need to go to the store and get some eggs and cornstartch so my mom can make more lemon meringue pie. I do look forward to that. I just have no energy. I know part of it is my period. Aunt Flo is a pain in my ass or close enough to it. But it's more than that. I'm also tired. But I'm always tired. It's been worse lately. My body just doesn't want to move. I just want to sit and stay still.

I've been very down about my Dad again seeing as tomorrow is Father's Day. I guess it's not that surprising. But it hurts. I was given a slight reprieve when Cassie came over. Her toe was in-grown. I had her try to fiddle with it, but apparently that's not a good idea, I found out later. But when she was over she did some reading. I played on Cafemom. She soaked her foot and we watched about Tot Mom Bitch. But after she soaked her foot for awhile, it didn't do that much good. So I finally had something for lunch - French Onion Soup while I made Cassie a Salami sandwich - and then we took off to Children's Urgent Care where we got in pretty fast. The doctor looked at her toe, said it was infected, gave us a prescription for antibiotics and the phone number to Childen's Toe Clinic. Yeah, they have a clinic for it apparently. 

After that, we went to the pharmacy. I let Cassie run in because I just didn't have the energy to do it. So I read a little bit of my book "State of Fear." Once that was turned in we went to McDonald's and got drinks with the last of my money. That part sucks. But when we gone home my mom got dinner for us and then we went into the bedroom. Shortly there after Jason and Susan came to get her. They asked why I didn't pick up her meds and I tried to explain my problem. I guess they understood. If not, oh well. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe it's just depression or my weight or both. I hated seeing her go. :-( But I just got back on the computer. Went back to Cafemom and started working on some of my groups - especially one that I need to get members for. I wanted it fleshed out in almost all categories. I have at least one I have to put a post up for. That would be the Library. But I can do it.

Anyway, I am just tired, weak and depressed. I miss my dad so much. I even wrote a poem about him. I just wish he were here and healthy, but it's not like that can happen. When you're dead you're dead.

Guess I'll see if there's anything else I want to do on Cafemom. If not, I'll do some reading and then go to sleep. 

I don't want to deal with tomorrow . . . I just don't . . .

  

Feeling Kinda Alone

My mood has been a bit dicey today, but as it turns out, I started my period today!! Oh how wonderful that is! NOT! But I suppose at least I'll stop wondering what happened to it. And it will be done and over.

I have been missing Jordan today. It sucks to be without both of my kids. I really feel completely alone and I haven't felt this in a very long time and with my stupid sister Diana coming out I'm going to feel even more alone. And my anxiety will go up. It would be worse with Jordan here while she's here. They hate each other and she will yell at him to his face - even though it means standing on her tip toes. And he'll just tell her to fuck off. But feeling alone makes me feel vulnerable. I hate it, hate it, hate it!!

Anyway, I took my mom to get her hair cut and while she did that, I went to Walmart. I picked up a few things and then went to McDonald's where I grabbed a McDouble and a Diet Dr. Pepper. This one old woman tried to take my table, so I said we'd share. When I came back and sat down, she got mad at me!! But she moved to another table. I was commended on how I dealt with her. Apparently other people didn't think she was all there. They were probably right because she seemed that way to me too. 

Then just as I'm about ready to start reading my mom shows up! I'm glad she didn't notice some of the stuff I bought. After that we went to the 99 cent store. We got lemons and onions and mushrooms. Also got some zucchini which my mom cooked up as part of dinner. We also had chicken. I could have eaten a lot more zucchini. Maybe later. My mom and I had to take in the trash cans too, which usually is Jordan's job.

After that, I got online and have been playing on Cafemom since. I managed to find two of my old groups so I joined, went into my old accounts and put my new account as co-owners. I also managed to put stuff up and create new forums. I guess I just needed more to do since sometimes the groups get a bit quiet and sometimes there's just nothing for me to say. 

Anyway, I took my night meds so I guess I should be trying to go to sleep. I miss my kids and it sucks.

          

Empty Nest

My mom woke me up around 11:00am for breakfast, but I couldn't stay away, so after I ate, I went back to sleep. After that, I didn't get up until 3:00pm or there abouts. My brother Tim showed up with Jordan's friend George. That was Jordan's time to talk to Tim about staying over at his place. I got the computer back before he got an answer and Jordan almost left without saying good-bye, but I caught him so he came gave me a hug and kiss. Watching him leave was bittersweet. I would have the computer all to myself, but I am also alone now. No kids. Kind of makes my heart hurt. Cassie's with Jason and Susan and Jordan is with Tim - at least for a month and a half - and so I'm alone with my mom. At least they're not here when Diana comes to visit. One less thing for me to worry about. But I miss them a lot. 

My mom bought dinner tonight for me which was nice. We went to Wendy's and had the berry salad which was awesome. Next time I want to get a full sized salad. Then we also got fries and a double-stacker. I also got some of the sweetened berry tea. It's really good! My mom liked the salad too. But the bummer thing is that they raised their prices. It sucks! Like every fast food place got together and decided "Let's raise our prices! Let's screw over our customers!" Ugh!!!

Well, this evening I have been playing on Cafemom. I started another group. This one just for photos. So far no one has joined it, but then again, I just created it. So we'll see what happens. I made it real simple. This is just the place to share pix. So hopefully I'll get a couple of members who will share photos. 

Anyway, tomorrow I hope I get back into my exercising. Now I'll have to pick up the slack that Jordan was doing. And I have to get my own water now. :-( LOL! Just kidding. He was good about getting me water. I will miss that with him being gone. Not sure whatelse I'll do other than play on Cafemom. Though I don't know for how long if Cafemom continues to have loud annoying ads. They suck! They were driving me nuts earlier. Why does it have to be a video ad. Ick!! UGH!! 

Well, now I'm going to finish watched "The First 48: Missing Persons" maybe do a little reading and then try to sleep. I'm sure tired enough. Guess we'll see.

        

Had a Good Productive Day!

Well, my day started early. I only got about 3 or mayber 4 hours of sleep last night. I think I was just too wound up to sleep. I knew I had to wake up early to get the brakes taken care of.

It was hard waking up. I downed a 5-hour energy AND I fixed my coffee before I left. When I got the car there, I was glad. I think I was there for at least three hours. I read for a good portion of it. "State of Fear" is getting really good!! But I also watched one of the Navy Aircraft Carriers come into port after being gone for 6 months. I can't remember the name if the ship though, which sucks. But it was awesome to watch the families waiting and to see the soldiers finally leave the ship. See the first hugs and first kisses . . . Awesome! It also turned out that it wasn't the front brakes I needed to take care of, but the rear brakes! :-P At least it was the same price. I walked out of there having spent only $112! Cool, huh?

After that, I was starving so I stopped at Sombrero's where I got a Chili Relleno Burrito. It wasn't as good as Cotija's. Plus they put sauce all over it and I didn't taste any sour cream in it. That sucks. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't what I wanted. I just didn't want to drive down to Santee. I suppose next time I'll have to.

When I got home Jordan wanted to go out and get a couple of burgers. I needed to put fuel in the car so we headed out again. We went to the gas station and I almost forgot what side of the car my gas tank was on. No, I'm not tired at all! :-P But we got fuel and it was a great price. I think it was $3.77 per gallon. Or something close to that. Then we swung around to McDonald's. I got him a couple of McDoubles and I got myself a Diet Dr. Pepper. After that, we headed over to Kahoots to get crickets and fish. While I was there, I asked if they'd take a red-eared slider if I brought one in. When I told her it was the size of my hand, she said it was big enough to sell. I also asked what Crayfish eat . . . well, it turns out they eat goldfish!!! :-P So basically I'm buying fish now, for the crayfish that Cassie named Mr. Crabs. I have to keep him! Anyway, we went home long enough to have Jordan dump the water out of the little tank for the turtle and then brought the turtle back to Kahoots. As soon as he was in the tank with the other turtles he was digging it! That was just awesome to watch. I know he's much happier. And as it turns out, it is a HE!! Not a She! I was pretty happy getting that done, knowing that Waterclaw was going to be much happier!

Coming home, I played on Cafemom for awhile and then I took off to go to therapy. My therapist is moving offices and will be at the new office by the time of my next appointment. What's cool, is the place is closer to me! Yay! But I had a good session. Talked about Cassie. Talked about the kids in general. Talked about my dad and how depressed I was on the 13th, but how I feel better now. AND I told him about finally dropping Greg. EVERYONE has told me to dump him and this isn't the first time. Dr. Tess felt it was definitely a significant event. I think it was time. It needed to be time.

When I got home I heated up some spaghetti. I watched news about Tot Mom - Casey whatever her last name is. I HATE her. I think she's a lying, murderous BITCH. She should have killed herself. And since she didn't, I hope the state does! My mom also made some lemon meringe pies - little ones. They were so good! I would have liked it a tad bit sweeter, but it's still delicious. And after that I went back to Cafemom and watching about Tot Mom. Even now, I finished watching "Haunted Collector" and I think I'm going to check back in with Cafemom, but then I'm going to shut things down, do some reading and go to sleep a little earlier than I have been.        

Much Better Than Yesterday!

I still wanted to sleep all day, but I finally got up around 2:30pm. I called and made an appointment to get my brakes taken care of. I just have to be there at 8:00am. I'm going to be hating life. I just have to make sure I get my coffee.

After that, I got ready to go pick up Jason from the trolley. I surprised him and had a sweet tea ready for him. I bought myself a Diet Dr. Pepper, of course. He was nice enough to pick up my mom's medication and then run into the 99 cent store to get some lemons for my mom and moth balls. After that we went to my room and talked a bit. We watched some of the news on Tot Mom and there is no doubt in my mind she's guilty. The bitch killed her little two year old daughter. I hope she gets the death penalty. I think any mother that kills their child should be put to death.

After that, I went over to Jason and Susan's for dinner. I kind of ducked out early because both of them were really tired. But dinner was great. It was burritos. They aren't as good as mine, I don't think, but that's just me, I'm sure. Then when I came home, Jordan brought me the computer and he helped me put the DVDs away. Now the boxes are out of my room, which is a good thing. After that was done, I played on Cafemom, watched "Deadliest Catch" and "After the Catch," and wrote my Aussie! It's been a couple of weeks and I wanted him to know what was going on. I need to get back to the rythm of writing him because he loves to hear from me every day. 

Anyway, I think that's about it. I feel so much better today then I did yesterday. Maybe tomorrow I'll do my exercises. It's been hit or miss with it. I've also been reading "State of Fear" and will be reading a lot of it tomorrow as I wait for the car to be done. Now for tonight, it's after midnight. I'm tired, but not tired so maybe I'll read for awhile. But either way, I'm signing off here.

       

Daddy, I Miss You . . .

As much as I tried to not fall into depression during this time of year, I guess the subconscious mind won't be changed from its course. And it sucks. I woke up long enough to take my mom to the bank today so she could talk to someone or other. I came home and then went back to sleep. I just didn't feel like getting up. And of course, it's June 13th. My father's birthday.

He's been gone for eight years and I miss him. And I miss him more around this time of year than any other. Between Mother's Day and Father's Day is usually the worst. 

When he was alive, everything was easier. We were all happier. Life had less worries and though I didn't realize it at the time, he was always there for me. And I miss him so much. In some respects I hate my life. I hate a lot of it, I guess. But having him gone just makes things that much worse.

Anyway, I'm tired. I chilled out watching "27 Drsses" and now I'm just waiting to watch "Sanctuary." Maybe I'll do a little reading too. I just feel depressed and it sucks. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

          

Time To Say A Goodbye To Someone

Today I've felt a little better though I have been very tired. I woke up around 12:30pm and made myself stay up. But all I wanted was to go to sleep. Still, I managed to get Jordan to help me with laundry, which is awesome. I did my stretches again. Got it going again. Did GRAPES so I'm back on track. I'm not at my Happy Place, but I'm doing pretty well, I think. I had a strange dream though. I had a dream that involved a lot of animals. Like a bunch of colorful guyppies and then a colorful lizzard with a bad attitude and I had to catch it to move it from one container to another. It was hard and I was afraid it would bite me. But I managed to get it. There were other weird things too, but I don't remember them. I think I saw Denise in my dream though. I can't remember if we were friends or not though. Must not have been that important. LOL!

Anyway, getting laundry done was a good thing. I also watched "Brad Melzer's Decoded." They showed about three episodes - Cornerstone of the White House mystery. Another of Lewis' supposed suicide. And the what is it called the Georgia guide stones. It was all interesting, though I have seen it before. But I do love to watch certain shows over again. It's like "River Monsters." I could watch those episodes over and over again. Go figure. 

Finally Jordan went to bed and I finally got my computer so I hopped on Cafemom for awhile played on the forums. Anyway My mom made dinner earlier. She made cheeseburgers which were awesome. But all I've been doing is playing on Cafemom, loving up Karissa and downloading some of the pix off the camera. Then I also posted one pic of Karissa on Cat Lovers. I talked to Nicole and she hit a nerve with Greg because he had the nerve to contact me. Saying he chose Linda because he thought I didn't want him. I DON'T want him. But I finally let loose on how he blew me off for most of 9 years. That he was a liar. That he lied to me about Linda and He lied to Linda about me. That it also came down to sex for him and whatever. I was done and I told him not to contact me again. But he did. Wanted his keys back. I told him to come in the morning and Jordan would give him the key. But I had finally decided it was over. I have given him so much latitued. I forgave him so many times. I was done. I don't want it in my life anymore. He could have helped me get my brakes done like he promised, but nope. He disappeared for days - TWICE! I have let it go for long enough. Hope he's happy with Linda. 

Anyway, tonight I also watched "Law and Order: Criminal Intent" followed by "Finding Bigfoot" Followed by "The Glades" and if I can stay awake until 1:00am I'll watch "In Plain Sight" and I really want to see it. 

Well, I'm done for tonight. Wish me luck for staying up.

Just Another Saturday

Well, I slept until 12:30pm. My mom tried waking me up at 11:00am, but I wanted to sleep a little longer to her aggravation. LOL! Well, by the time I got up I got dressed. My mom was asleep so I let her sleep. I knew she'd either wake up and want to go to Walmart or not. So I went back to my room. Found out Karissa finally threw up her hairball - onto one of my magazines. :-P But it's better than being in her and causing her problems. I am going to have to clean off the whole bed because I need to take off the sheet too. But it means moving boxes and stuff. Ugh . . . Maybe I'll make that my project tomorrow. Maybe with Jordan's help.

Anyway, my mom did wake up and wanted to go to Walmart. When she opened the door, I think she thought I'd still be sleeping. But I surprised her! :-D So we went to Walmart. She gave me her shopping list and told me to get what I wanted off the list and she'd get the rest. Well, I told her the one thing I wasn't going to get was her hair coloring. But I did get almost everything else. Then I went to McDonald's. The $2 I had originally put aside for Tubbie went to get me a McDouble because I needed something decent to eat and to get a soda. I certainly got my fill because I had three big cups full. 

I also met this one woman that let me sit down at her table while I was there who had a son who was bipolar. We talked about it and her family with the bipolar. I talked about my first BIG episode and how I ended up getting diagnosed. I felt so bad though. Her son died because of his psych-meds and beer together. I have not heard of that happening before. But my meds don't react that way. He might have been on an MAOI Inhibitor. I refuse to go onto them. I had one jerk Pdoc that wanted to force me onto them. He also said that I wasn't bipolar because he had never personally saw me have an episode! What an asshole. He was also abrupt and was a jerk when I'd use a technical term. He wanted me to dumb down my words. Anyway, I didn't cry when I left him for my new and better Pdoc. In fact, every Pdoc I've had since had been wonderful. They really want to work with you. Not just blanketly tell you what to do.

After that, I spent time doing some reading on "State of Fear" by Michael Crichton. It's pretty good, though I haven't been reading a lot lately. Then when my mother got there, I got her a McDouble and water. We actually talked about a lot of different things and it was a good talk. It's amazing we can have those. And to be twice in a couple of weeks is amazing.

When we left, I was ready to be home. I got Jordan up long enough to get the stuff in. I ended up getting rice and BBQ sauce. We were almost out of both and I love rice with BBQ sauce! Once home I settled down and got online. Jason wanted me to come over, but I didn't feel up to it. I just wanted to chill out and play on Cafemom. I also got myself to do some stretches hoping to restart my good mood. Lately I've just felt off. Not myself. Not really depressed, but not happy either. Maybe rocky would be a good description. Anyway, at least I can say I did get my stretches done and I want to do them every day. I can't let it slip anymore. 

Anyway, while I've been playing on Cafemom I've also been watching TV - I watched a repeat of "My Cat From Hell" which I wish there were some new episodes of. I also watched "Cupcake Wars" and "Iron Chef America." Now with that being said, I'm ready to just do a little reading and going to sleep. I think I'm feeling just a little better tonight, but I still wish I felt better. Guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.

         

Over-Tired Quiet Day

I can feel myself sliding down just a little bit and I don't like it. Tomorrow I have got to get back to my GRAPES and my stretches which I haven't been doing the last few days. Think I have been spending too much time on Cafemom.

I had some strange dreams this morning. I can't really remember them, but Dirty Dancing kept coming to my mind. Go figure. I haven't watched that movie in years! I sort of watched it one too many times. Anyway, I could have kept sleeping, but when I woke up at noon to go to the bathroom, Jordan reminded me that we needed to pick up my medication - cream for my rashes. And he was getting ready to go to sleep because his sleep schedule is so off. Anyway, he wanted to know if I'd get him some gushers. Well, after picking up the cream we went next door to Vons and I let him get a box. I got a liter of Dr. Pepper and a bottle of water. Jordan made most of the gushers before we even got him. He shared a few pieces with me.

When we got back, he went to bed and I went on the computer. My mom heated up the tilapia that Jordan didn't eat for me with the salad he didn't eat either. It was a nice lunch. Then I went back to being online. I added a few forums to one of my groups and replied in other groups. And I have just been so drained today. Then my mom cooked chicken for dinner. We also had rice with peas in it. I just put BBQ sauce on it all and was it good!

After that, I went back onto the computer. Of course, Karissa hasn't been doing that good today. She keeps throwing up here and there. It's like she's trying to throw up a hairball. But this must be the worst hairball ever! Because it looks like she's breathing hard it worries me too. I can't lose her. I don't think I will. I think I'm just being paranoid. It's not like she's choking or anything. I mean, I'm crazy enough to make sure I can see her breathe when I get up a night to go to the bathroom, as if she's a baby. Paranoia . . . just being more paranoid more than usual.

Anyway, I have also been watching "Criminal Minds" for the last several hours. I really do love this show. It's great. What ticked me off though was that they showed a to be continued episode and then didn't show the second half!! They jumped to a different episode!! How annoying is that?? But it's such a good show, I got over it. I might eventually see it again. Who knows!

Well, I guess that's it. Maybe if I sleep now I'll wake up a bit earlier and then I will start my GRAPES again. I haven't even been checking off my schedule. Not good. So I need to get back to it. I need to get back to it for sure.

Now,  I think I will call it a night.       

A Sleepy Kinda Day

Today has been a bit of a sleepy day. I was going to get up early and go to class only I would have had to drive back down to El Cajon for my doctor's appointment. I didn't want to waste the fuel since I have so little. I don't know what I'm going to do. I need the money I'm going to get back from Jason and Susan so badly. My mom can't know. But I need it for fuel.

Anyway, I ended up sleeping until around 1:30 - 2:00pm. I got up, got dressed and headed out to the doctor's office. I got there in time and I wasn't waiting for long, but I didn't see Dr. Jason. I don't remember the name of the doctor I did see, but he was a nice guy. We're going to go back to the creams for my rashes - One cream I can use around my eyes and another that I can use everywhere else. And as it turns out everything they tested for was negative. I'm good. And for the allergy panel, I didn't have any allergies apparently. He said that I had a mind response on Dog Hair, but it was hardly worth mentioning, he said. LOL! At least I know I'm not allergic to cats!! :-D

Oh, and Jason calls and tells me that Greg texted him that he had gotten married today. I say good riddence. I know it's possible it's a bunch of crap just trying to get a response out of me. But you know, if he is married to the woman that he's said all kinds of shit about her to me then that's his problem. Not mine. He's afraid to be alone and now he's going to pay for it.

On the way home, though I shouldn't have, I went to the Hostess Outlet store and I bought Chocadiles, muffins and some other treats. I shouldn't have spent the money, but I did anyway. I haven't eaten any of it yet. But I left it in the car. I'll have to go out and get it. But I came home and laid down for a bit. I was so tired. Then my mom had fixed dinner - tilapia, rice and salad. I was craving rice for awhile now so it was good. Rice with BBQ sauce! Yummy! After that, I did lay down again for a little longer. But finally I got up and got on the computer. Checked Cafemom and Facebook. Found out that Denise is on this one Facebook thing for Authors so I'm interested in it. Hopefully I'll find out more about it later.

But nothing really of interest has gone on. I am still just tired. Think I'll finish watching "THe First 48: Missing Persons" and get the goodies out of the car and then go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. I wonder if maybe my period is coming finally. I feel myself just falling down a bit and it sucks. I'm going to be fine though. I know I will and tomorrow will be a better day!

    

Just One Of Those Days

Actually for the most part the day part was fine and the negative part of it was actually kind of a small part.

I woke up with Cassie coming over for the shot record for the school to prove that she had her Tdap or whatever that shot was. She had it, now she's shown it to them so they ought to re-enroll her for next year. But I didn't get the shot record back. I need to talk to Cassie about it because I forgot to ask her today after school.

Anyway, I got up, got coffee, got dressed. In time I left for class. They weren't as useful as usual, but there was some good stuff. And we laughed a lot. Plus it's always good to see Kimberly. Ooops, I was supposed to call her tonight . . . Well, I'll see her tomorrow. It was good to get out of the house for class though. I always enjoy myself. And I also finally called Greg, told him I'd blocked him on Facebook and didn't want him to contact me again. Gee, I heard from him after that! He was in the hospital. Apparently there were no phones! Yeah, right. Whatever. I'm done with him. I have had other people confirm to me that he's just not worth my time anymore. And I know that he couldn't have been at the hospital all that time. He was back with Linda. Not that it mattered to me. But don't freakin' lie to me! He blew me off because of her after he told me he'd take care of my brakes on a certain day at a certain time. I am just done.

When I got back, my mom needed to go to the bank. My mom and I first ate a sandwich each for lunch and then we went to the bank and then I took her to Albertson's to get stamps. She also picked up some lettuce. Then after that, I got a chance to rest a little and check in on Cafemom before I had to leave and pick Cassie up from school. It was good to see her. Jason and Susan went up to their sons' graduation - Chris and Nick. Cassie couldn't go because of school - plus Susan's mom wouldn't want her there. Ugh . . . a story in itself that I have probably written about before. That woman is an old, bitter, unforgiving bitch. But enough of that! I picked up Cassie and we went back home. I played on the computer for awhile why she went through the pix on my camera. Then I let her on. She put on her playlist which I like a good portion of the music. Just not so into the rap. :-P At around 5:00pm we went out and had dinner. I made small salads for us and heated up my dad's chili. My mom made it, though I think she does something different because hers is more soupy than his was. After that, I let her back on the computer and I laid down a bit. I am so tired, even now. But I didn't sleep. I also got to check on Cafemom  on and off. 

Eventually, we headed over to Jason and Susan's. I stopped at McDonald's for drinks on our way. Then there, I was trying to watch "Haunted Collector" and the cable box froze twice! 

But here's what got to me. They got home close to 10:00pm and Cassie was still awake. They were surprised but didn't say too much except that Cassie was going to be grouchy in the morning. But I don't think she would have slept anyway with me there. But I had this feeling like when I left they were going to talk behind my back about the fact that I wasn't a good mom. Don't get me wrong, logically I know that's probably not happening. I think it's a paranoid thought. But it's hard to deal with those thoughts though. I feel like I have failed. There are so many things I would change if I could, but you can't go back in time. I can only go forward and I know I didn't screw up everything. I am not a total failure. I might not be the best parent in the world, but my kids know I love them. Plus, I realized that I was really placing my own paranoia onto Jason and Susan. That I was mind reading and jumping to conclusions - both thought disorders. And I just tried to rephrase for myself.

Anyway, I wrote a bit about how I was feeling on my group on Cafemom. I think that helped me feel better too. Some place to vent and get support. Now I'm watching the re-run of "Haunted Collector" and hopefully going to finish what I missed earlier. It really is an interesting show. The first half was about this woman's home. She'd lost her mother 6 years ago and the mother's spirit was attached to a music box. They got an EVP with the mother saying "Purple Flowers" which made the daughter cry. But she let him take the music box to see if it would help. The second half is about this man's house. His 11 year old son is being scared to death at night every night. I haven't finished watching it yet, but so far so good. But I am so tired, so I'm going to hopefully sleep as soon as this is over.

At least I didn't fall into the pit. I could have too. So I must be doing something right!

             

Shopping, Shopping and More Shopping

I slept late again today. I woke up before Cassie came over to pick up her school books. Had to figure out where they were, but then I remembered that they were out in the family room. After a hug and kiss she was out the door again. Of course, turns out she needs to come over tomorrow morning because I need her to take in her immunization records so they can record that she had her DTap shot or whatever it was. I just know she had it. Then I'm picking her up after school. I then also need to go to Claudio's. I have to get my breaks done. I can't put them off any longer and I guess I'm finally ready to say good-bye to Greg. He is someone I don't need in my life - especially with what he says about me behind my back. I don't need a friend that could be an enemy just as easily. I need people that are positive in my life - not negative who let me down and make me feel bad about myself. I am done with that. I have already unfriended him AND blocked his ass on Facebook. Tomorrow I will text him or leave him a message that I no longer want to hear from him. That I really am done. I need people in my life that are truly there for me and he hasn't been. I am wavering whether to tell him about the fact that I know the crap he says behind my back. Maybe. I'll have to keep thinking about it. 

Anyway, I got up, got dressed and headed out the door. I stopped long enough to get a Diet Dr. Pepper from McDonald's and then headed to Walmart in La Mesa with a shopping list. I got a few other things as well - some things like salad dressing and others like cookies and stuff. You can figure out which ones my mother doesn't know about. LOL! I was able to get a lot of stuff off the list there, but some major items they didn't have like a box of beef patties, blocks of cheese and Albacore Tuna. I won't eat anything else. But being frustrated like I was, I decided to go down to the Santee Walmart. There I found the rest of what I wanted and I think I'm going to start food shopping there again. I also splurged and got "True Grit." I shouldn't have because it leaves me only $100 total. But at least Claudio will let me make payments. Thank god!

Of course, that Walmart wasn't my last stop. I also stopped at Albertson's. I needed to pick up cherry jam and blueberry jam. The cherry is awesome. I haven't had a chance to try to blueberry yet, but I'm sure it's going to be just as stellar. Though I might need to buy another cherry at some point this month. We all like it. LOL! 

So three stores in a handful of hours. My back HURTS! My mom was nice enough to make dinner - bean and cheese quesadillas. I could have eaten four of those probably. LOL! It was good. After that Jordan and I watched "True Grit" together. I wish it had a happier ending, but it was a good movie. I will probably watch it again. After that, Jordan brought in the goodies from the car. I separated out what was whose. Then I turned on "Covert Affairs" since it was the season premier. Now I'm going to watch the new "Deadlist Catch" at midnight and then I'm going to set my alarm for 8:30am. Or I'll just get up when Cassie gets here. But I want to go to class tomorrow. 

Anyway, I guess that's it for today. I am full of junk at the moment. Honey BBQ Cheese Puffs are awesome! Time to chill out for the night.