Well, I saw this coming for awhile. My friends Scott and Kathleen are heading for a divorce. To be honest they have for a couple or years now. They were tied financially, of course, but there were things going on that I should have gotten more involved with, but didn't because I was worried about losing my friendships I guess. But as it turns out, when Kathleen told me what had really been going on for awhile and what I had witness and experienced part of myself I looked up domestic violence. There are specific warning signs and Scott hit every single point. Plus some of these things overlap Narcissism. I think he has tendencies of Narcissism but he's not full on. But he s verbally abusive an he does have a tendency to think just because he says sorry to you that you're instantly supposed to forgive him and act like nothing happened. I can do that because I have lived in a family where there would be a verbal altercation and then once it was over everyone pretended like it didn't happen. I can compartmentalize stuff because of it, I think. Anyway, I love him, we have been friends for years and I hate the pain he's in, but I have even asked Kathleen why she was still with him before. I'm not saying she's perfect either. They both let this go on way longer than they should have. It's possible to literally kill someone's love for you by your words and actions and I honestly feel he doesn't get that. I told him point blank that I wouldn't have put up with his shit. He would have been in jail at least once and that's if I even stayed around after that! Then he tells me he knows he's abusive and that he'll go get help for it. I told him I would have given him an ultimatum - get help or get out! But then I thought about here at my mom's house doing laundry that HE should have gotten help after the first time he hit her! So he can't blame her for staying and not leaving or demanding that he get help. Scott should have done it himself! I mean, come on! After once if you''re not in jail you know something is wrong with you! If you want a loving relationship wouldn't you take it on yourself to get help instead of waiting for the other person to say it? Because basically you're saying - if you don't tell me to get help I'm just going to stay the abusive jerk I am. Okay, maybe a lot of this is anger. But I made Kathleen promise me that if he touched her in a violent way again that she would drop him off and go or call the police. After being through something similar, I will NEVER put up with it again. That's why when he started talking to me about moving out together - I had considered it. But really thinking it through,, I can't be with someone abusive and I have already experienced the verbal abuse. He wouldn't dare touch me because I told him what I told Kathleen. That she needed to call the cops on his ass if he ever did it again. I feel like I am just bagging on him, bu how am I supposed to be more angry with Kathleen for having online affairs when he's driven out the love she had for him and he doesn't get it. And let's face it, when our needs are not getting met we turn to other people for that. I'm not saying it's a good or wise choice, but faced with abuse constantly - not physical as much, but a lot of verbal abuse. It will kill all feeling for someone or turn them into someone that hates you. And when I get triggered by Scott's crap that says something. I have gone through a lot of verbal abuse in my time and I am pretty good with coping, but with all this going on it's effecting me. I'm having nightmares every night. It sucks! Last night I dreamed about sharks and kids and trying to rescue this little girl while trying not to be eaten myself. Another one where somehow I had set my blanket on fire, though it wasn't really fire. It was like it was melting my blanket away in some weird fashion. I was able to make it stop, but my blanket was warped after that. I have had many other nightmares, but these were the ones I remember just from last night.
I just feel so in the middle and maybe I put myself there I still love Scott. I really do and I will probably be his friend forever if it's meant to be, but I also think this marriage of theirs should end and Kathleen has told him she is done. And Scott loves to say that he doesn't talk bad about anyone . . . yeah, right and I don't just mean about Kathleen. He's talked shit behind my back too. Generally my rule is everyone talks behind everyone's back. Just keep it out of my earshot. But then he tells his mother and cousin about this crap going on. Nice, right? If he wanted to honestly make the marriage work, he would have shut his mouth and found a good friend to talk to, but I think the problem is I'm his real, honest friend. He has work friends and whatnot, but no one really close. That's something that my Ex-Husband ha in common with Jason. That and talking to his parents an of course, just telling his version of events to make me out to be the bad guy. Then he would twist things around again and turn it to me that his parents didn't like me (They actually did like me - well his mom did. I think John is a lot like his father if that says anything). I mean, if I needed to talk to someone, I found a friend and sometimes I didn't tell anyone. In fact, my parents didn't know my Ex had hit me until the divorce when my son told him of an incident where he witnessed it. My mom didn't really understand and for years after kept asking me if I missed John and didn't I ever want to get back together with him? Yeah, are you on drugs?? Anyway, when my dad asked about it I told him the truth. I never wanted to tell him while was married because my Dad use to love to tell about his friends that had been in the mob. I met one of the guys and he was wonderfully nice to me! Anyway, I figured if my Dad knew that he would see to it that John never did that to me again. But you know, the physical was never as bad as the emotional and verbal abuse. I grew up with it, so I can vouch for that 100%.
But all of this are just bringing up things up for me. It makes it hard on me because I do love Scott, but I can't abide the way he's treated Kathleen. I just can't. I did point things out to him today, but the sense is that he really isn't wanting to truly change. I could be wrong, but he should have tried to from the very first inkling of abuse. I just think he says it to try to keep things together and whatnot. I don't think he wants to admit anything is really his fault. He says how good he's been and he does have a generous streak, but then, he uses it for ammunition later. This is abuse. NO ONE should ever hold something like that over someone's head. Either you did it to be generous - in which case that would be the end of it. But if it's not and they use it as "I did this for you," then it's abuse. Generosity is given, not used later to inflict pain.
Okay, I'm starting to lose my way on this a little bit. I guess I still have so much anger toward people that abuse others, not just me. And I do love Scott, but I can't keep putting me and Cassi in the way of his abuse. I just haven't been willing to confront him because I don't want more strife for us, but it's not fair that he gets away with it on any of us and I guess it's hard for me to actually see him for what he is - an abuser. Not to say I didn't see it before, but it was a lot worse than I knew. It hurts, but it is what it is. It's the truth. He needs help for himself if he EVER hopes to get into another relationship. But this one with Kathleen is over. He said he felt like both Kathleen and I didn't want him there that we'd be happier without him. The truth is that it's true. I don't like his drama - HIS house, HIS control, what HE wants and if you don't go along with him . . . well, I'm sure you can figure out how that goes. But his are the only feelings that matter and if he does hurt you, well, then he says he's sorry and you need to forgive him immediately. Of course, he only really apologizes once he realize that he came off like an ass. That he looks like a bad guy and he doesn't want to be the bad guy. I suppose I should be fair and maybe he does feel bad after. But just to think everything is hunky-dory after you say the cruelest remarks you can think of and then apologize after acting like you did nothing wrong? Yeah, that's an issue for me.
I don't want to be angry with him. I don't want to really take sides though I have because of his own actions, but I'm not going to say he wasn't hurt too during this. Katheen has not been feeling well, She had been very tired and she wanted understanding and comfort from someone that she wasn't getting from her own relationship. He would catch her time and time again. If that wasn't a clear sign things were over, I don't know what was. But this kind of thing happens when you hurt someone so much that you become someone that's not safe to talk to. That you caused the problems and won't do anything about them!
Okay, I think I just ended up in a loop cycle! It all feeds into each other and keeps going until someone say "I am FINISHED!" I think I talked Scott into at least sticking it out for the holidays, if nothing for Kathleen's kids that he claims to love so much. He was talking about leaving Friday - screw her and the kids and leave it at that. I told him that if he really did love those kids he wouldn't do that to THEM! So then he says that him saying that to Kathleen was just a scare tactic. Nice, huh? Did I mention that Scott is a vindictive ass? I don't like that in people either. It's sad because I'm realizing just how much I don't like about him. But he was there for me through my divorce and he helped me get SSI and really has been a support. Of course, get him angry and that because what HE did for me. Been there done that . . . UGH! My head hurts. This sucks. I love them both, but abuse is not acceptable PERIOD! That's where I stick to my guns from here on out. Nothing else I can do.
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