I suppose I should have expected it. It's how life is for someone like me. Actually for people who are bipolar. You can be up and then you can be down and I am majorly down and it's just getting worse. I'm to the point where I really want to cut on myself again. I haven't but I want to. I want to hurt myself bad and I can't tell anyone. Not too many people understand that I know because they haven't experienced it. But this pull, especially when I'm made to feel like the most horrible of people.
I am the first to admit that I'm not perfect. I'm not. In fact, I'm way off the mark, but I was starting to believe I was at least a good person and that trying meant something. But it doesn't. Guess I am still a horrible parent. I haven't taken Jordan to the dentist yet and I know that he needs to go. He has a bad cavity, but not only do I not know where to call - which I planned to call around Monday, but I have trouble with transportation. IF I had a car and could drive myself I could have had him there already. However, I'm reliant on other people or more or less one person for day appointments and he's going through his own stuff. I had already asked him to take me two places last week and couldn't ask another and on top of that, Jordan wasn't in horrible pain. Apparently today he's in tons of pain - the first time in a week. I TRY to be a good parent. It's just me. I have no money, no transportation and I try to do what I can, but apparently it's not good enough for some of the people who are "friends". They think they would be so much better at raising my kids. Maybe they would be. Maybe I should just kill myself, leave them the kids and see what they can do. I am just tired of being made to feel like crap when I do what I can. I am NOT the model mother. I never claimed to be, but I am judged with every fucking thing I do or don't do even by the people I call friends. How right is that? I haven't judged them! They don't have kids to raise! They live by themselves! And even if they did have my kids, there are TWO of them! ONE OF ME!
Maybe this is just a pity party. I don't know. I don't care. But I do know I feel like shit. That I wish I could cut up my arms and I could if I wanted. I keep my razor nearby even if I haven't cut in a year and a half. I just want the pain to stop. I want to stop being made to feel like a horrible, terrible person. I want people to understand I do what I can and I want people to fucking stop judging me! Maybe I will give in and cut on myself. Maybe it's just not worth fighting anymore. I don't know. I hate me, I hate everyone . . . except my kids. The rest of the world can go to hell in a handbasket for all I care right now. I just want the pain to END!!
So much for when I was actually happy. It seems that time has come and gone and who knows if it'll be back again.
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