Summer Frustration

I have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) as one of the many things wrong with me, only like the usual, I don't follow the norm. Most people get this during the winter when the sunlight gets less and all that fun stuff. For me, it's the opposite. The heat of summer is enough to send me into a depression. I hate summer. I hate heat. I think the only reason I loved summer as a kid was because there was no school and we had a pool in the backyard which is no longer there. Not sure I could have gotten in and out of it anyway now. But still . . . that and I think kids just tolerate heat better than adults. It's like how kids can handle fevers and adults just can't. I don't know.

Anyway, for the last month at least, I've had depression symptoms and it's blown up into full on depression. I am having trouble concentrating. I don't want to really talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. It's shutting me down and I HATE it. I can't even write!! My brain won't work for that either and I want to work on my fourth book and finish it. Then I worry that this will last forever, even though I know things change all the time. Nothing stays the same. But it's the "what if's" that paralyze me. What if my writing skills and desire or imagination don't come back? What if my book gets accepted by an agent only they want me to make edits and I can't. What if I get kicked out of my home because my mother dies? What if, what if, what if . . . It's holding me back as well, which is all part of the depression. I haven't even wanted to write to Ron, my Aussie! ;-) But I finally did that today and explained a little of what was going on - the good, the bad and the ugly! LOL! I don't know how to force myself to write. If I do force myself, it comes out like crap anyway. I just feel like my hands are tied and I am stuck in mud . . . really thick, icky mud.

I can say that I watched the rest of Season 3 of Dexter and enjoyed that and just got the first season of Leverage and watched the first disc and enjoyed that too.

Of course, now I get bad news. Jason is in a crap mood so I'm not going to be able to go over. Makes me want to cry. I was so looking forward to it, you know? Ah well . . . Now I just have to figure out what to have for dinner. I have no idea. And today was supposed to be for Susan, not for him. But whatever, it is what it is.

At least on a brighter note, I got to chat with my Aussie and boy did I need that. Even with as sad as I am about Jason, at least I have him to lean on. I love him. Even when I feel the way I do and seem to be numb to so much, I love him. I know I do. He has been there for me. He knows I'm struggling with depression and he's there for me. He lets me know how special I am and won't let me forget it when we chat. I am going to meet him one day in person. It's going to happen. I know it will. But for now, I just have to hold on and ride out this depression. Not like I have a choice, but it makes it better knowing he's there for me.

Maybe every dark cloud does have a silver lining.