The Middle

Well, I haven't had anything that I have wanted to share over the last few days. They've been good, but a bit stressful. I've also been tired. One of my many issues at night now. I remember when I used to stay up all night and sleep all day as a teenager. I also remember staying up for 36-48 hours at a time, sleeping for 8-10 hours and do it all again. When I lived with my mother and sister, I never wanted to get up. I didn't want to deal with them - the put downs, the threats, the criticism . . . It was just easier to sleep all day and be up all night. I would avoid most of their abuses. Amazingly now, I wake up at around 7am to 10am at the absolute latest and by the time it hits about 8pm, I am done for the night. But tonight I'm a little more awake than usual and I haven't taken my night meds yet. But I'm happy here. I don't feel like I am constantly under attack like I was there.. And because I can wake up happy in the morning, I don't mind doing things around the house. I am no longer being judged on how I do things. I can just do them and be happy! :-) My life has really changed a lot.

There have been stresses though lately. There have been some marital issues. I can't go into it. It's not part of my life, except I feel like I'm in the middle a bit because I love them both. I also feel frustrated that I can't help. Then there's the issue of Cassi. Talk about a teenager with attitude!! I love her with all my heart and wouldn't want my life without her, but she argues everything and she always has an attitude with Jason and Susan. I know she's frustrated too. She doesn't have a room of her own and she feels like they breathe down her neck when they don't. They do try to discipline her from time to time and it doesn't go over well because they don't like how I raise her, but really, they can't do much except kick me out, but they don't want to do that. They love us! But then I feel like I am in between her and them. Then I feel like I get put down as a parent, but it doesn't happen very often. It's just we disagree with my way of doing things. I'm sure they are right on a lot of things, but if I wasn't the way I was, I wouldn't know about all the things she is doing. If I had been a total judgement ass, she still would have done it, I just wouldn't have known about it. Anyway, that's really not here or there. I just need a break from feeling in the middle of people. It drains my energy and brings my mood down. I felt it today, so tomorrow I just want to get up and do my usual things and just enjoy the day and stay out of the way of everyone, you know?

Oh, and I saw my Pdoc Wednesday. It was good! I like where I am with my meds and they work great! Also, they weighed me and I am 315 lbs! I haven't lost weight, but I haven't gained anything either! Which I think is amazing. I have really been eating pretty bad, though I have to say that I may bake a lot now, but I don't over indulge. In fact, I can't seem to have a lot of sweets anymore. I just don't want them much. Maybe that's the start of me losing weight again. I have to say it would be nice to be in the 200's and not the 300's. But I am thrilled that I didn't gain anything. I was really worried when I got on the scale! I was afraid I might have gained like 20 lbs. So glad I didn't! It also makes me feel like maybe if I lost more weight, I would be able to keep it off. Always hope for the future! :-)

Poor Cassi is sick with a cold. She ran herself ragged for about 2-3 days in a row, not getting enough sleep, not eating enough and being around people who were sick. It's been a long time since she's been sick like this though. At least it hasn't kept her down. She finally got some good sleep today and she's been eating. She even felt good enough to hang with her friends outside at the tables. Her friends are a band and she's going to be their official photographer. It might just be a dream, but dreams can be reality. We'll see what happens! 

Oh! And I just finished reading "Roses are Red." This book by James Patterson was great! Even though I knew who was behind everything in the story (been reading the books out of order), the book was amazing! It was thrilling from the beginning to the very end! And the ending was PERFECT! Tomorrow I'll start reading "Violets are Blue." I love his character Detective Alex Cross! I hope he continues to write more books for him, as I catch up with the ones I haven't read it. If you have never read an Alex Cross book by James Patterson and you love action and thrills, mysteries unfolding . . . you'll love it! 

Okay, well I am way late! I should have taken my meds hours ago and been to sleep! LOL! But I needed to get some of this out. At least it wasn't like some of my more unpleasant, angry entries. But it is time for bed and I am definitely ready! I just hope I don't have anymore weird dreams! I had this dream that I was in my mom's place and yet it wasn't. And I kept finding Betta fish in dirty tanks. Some were several in a tank. But as I cleaned them out, they started fighting with each other, so I'm struggling to find different containers to use to separate and clean them, but there had to be like 200 fish! But I just remember I was trying to save them from the bad water and then trying to save them from each other and I was so stressed out, but I kept at it. Go figure. It must symbolize something, but only God would understand I think! LOL!

Okay, bedtime. Goodnight!