and you only reach the light once it's over. Don't get me wrong. I'm not actually as depressed as I've been before, but it's this feeling like every day is a struggle. My wonderful, darling, precious older sister (who is old enough to be my mom) got in my son's face last night because he was doing dishes and watching TV. She (get this one) literally stood on her TIP TOES to make sure she could (and I do not exaggerate this) scream in his face. The woman is in her 60's and she has to act more immature than my 17 year old son! I came out of my room and tried to talk calmly and she was so out of control that all you could do was yell at her. I swear, the woman has more wrong with her than I ever will, and I'm bipolar!! What the hell does SHE have??
Anyway,long story short - I got in her face and asked her how she liked it. She decided to say how horrible I am. That I needed to be a mother. I said that I was after I told Jordan to go to his room. Because I was protecting my kids from her. I then finished by saying that the conversation was over and I slammed the door in her face. What's sad is that my mother, of course, took her precious daughter's side. Believe me when I say that. My mother never wanted me to begin with. I know this because when I asked her why she'd had me (and this was before I knew I was adopted) because the risk was so high I would be down syndrome (both my parents were old), she told me "Your father wanted a baby." It wasn't, "I wanted a baby." It wasn't, "We wanted a baby." It was, "your father wanted a baby." And growing up, she made it clear that if you weren't her ideal of perfect and that you didn't jump when she told her or did it the way she wanted you to do that then she had every night to emotionally abuse you until you did it.
Of course, I wasn't the type to give in easily. I screamed and yelled back at her (isn't it amazing how all her kids do that - not just the screwed up one). I didn't do what she wanted until I wanted to. She slapped me across the face a lot of times for being mouthy with her and a lot of times in public. I grew up hating her and to be honestly, I still don't know how to feel about her. I don't love her - as in I don't get that warm, fuzzy feeling for her. I'd protect her - as if she were someone under my care maybe. But I have no real love for the woman. I think she managed to kill anything I felt for her a long time ago with her emotional and verbal abuse. And what's sad is her daughter Diana has followed in her footsteps. She has three girls and isn't it amazing how none of them come see her very often. In fact, I recall many years ago that when her oldest's daughter was around 6 years old, she refused to let Diana she her because of something she'd said or done. I think it was something she said. When this same daughter came out to visit, she made it a point to come tell me that her mother was a difficult person to love . . . Isn't it interesting that Diana told me the same thing? Only it doesn't appear to be me that is. My kids WANT to be near me! Unlike Diana's kids. I think they need the distance to be able to deal with her and even attempt to say they love her. You can't live with someone emotionally and verbally abusive and tell them you love them unless you are seriously lying. Personally, I can't lie like that. I can't bring myself to say it if I don't feel it. But like Diana, all of my siblings are like this. The boys are WORSE in a lot of ways because they have a streak in them that hates women I think. Or that basically makes them think that they can do whatever they want and the women in their lives should just put up with it like doormats.
Anyway, just because someone is put up for adoption doesn't mean they automatically go to a good home. In fact, I HOPE they have tightened up the laws since I was adopted because my mother NEVER should have been allowed to adopt a child. She never should have been allowed to have her own! IT's sad that some people who should never have children do and then damage them irreparably.
So I have no idea when this dark tunnel will ever come to an end and that I'll see light. I can hope it happens soon, but I won't hold my breath.
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