Well, try having one of those years. I can't tell you how close to a breakdown I am right now. I should know because I had one at the beginning of the year. Being bipolar and living in an unsupportive environment (though my kids are the best. It's my mother and sister that are the problem) is very, very difficult. Throw crap in from life - and I mean stuff like losing a friend over a stupid project that SHE is obessed about. Personally, turned out it wasn't such a big deal losing her as a friend. She's in jail at the moment for hitting on her son. And she's totally obsessed with this project. It's caused her marriage to end along with some of her other habits . . . But it was very painful at first. We have known each other since I was 12. Then I have had things happen on and off with another good friend though that's actually really minor crap. He and I are like brother and sister so . . . anyway, that's actually more of an annoyance. Then this last week hits . . . My daughter tells me that she was molested for years, when I thought it was only one time. And it was worse than what she said. I get a citation for my car being on the street and it hasn't been moved in months. It's broken down. So I had to get rid of it. I did that. But then the school district is on my ass because my daughter has missed too much school for being sick. But because I haven't produced Dr. notes for every single time they are sending me up to what's called a SARB board to tell me just how horrible I am as a parent and that I need to have my daughter in school no matter what or I will go to jail. Right . . . Anyway, I will just document everything. But this has been going on since last school year. The counselor at my daughter's grade school has had it out for me. I have no idea why. But I am to the point where I told the principal that I'm moving my daughter out of the school. I am tired of the crap they keep handing me.
Anyway, this depression is so bad that I am so tired, but I can't sleep. When I do sleep, I don't want to wake up . . . If it weren't for the kids, I wouldn't bother with anything. I would stay in bed all day . . . just let myself melt away. But I love my kids. Just got my daughter back into therapy finally. She's getting so stressed out with school and my bitch of a sister that she is constantly getting upset stomaches. Pisses me off because my hands are tied . . .
Well, that's my life in a nutshell at the moment. On the brightside, we bought three new Beta fish. so now we have two boys and two girls. I just wish I could work on my book. I need to finish that fourth one, but it's like my brain has stopped working. I haven't even wanted to work with a friend of mine. Usually we just write together for fun and it usually eases my stress and helps me cope with things in general, but I just can't muster the strength to even do that. I haven't wanted to be online - in fact, this is the longest I've been on in weeks. And here it is after 2am and I have to get my son up at 5:30am for school and my daughter at 6:30am for school and I doubt I'm going to get any sleep.
Sometimes life sucks I guess. I just wish it would stop sucking for awhile . . . It's been too long. Not sure I remember what it's like to have a block of GOOD time instead of BAD.
So that's the end of my sad story for today . . . Maybe tomorrow will be better. One can only hope.
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