Men . . .

I have a unique way of looking at the world and relationships. It's not a conventional one and I'm the first to admit it. I have no expectations of faithfulness . . . I have no expectations of much of anything really. Commitment is great . . . Marriage? Nope, don't believe in it anymore. I think, personally, that isn't a trap. It's there for two people to basically say, "I own you, you need to do what I say or else . . ." and you know . . . that doesn't work.

Now I know A LOT of people would disagree with me. They would say that Marriage is a beautiful thing between two people who love each other. That it's hard work, but if you're truly commited you can make it last a lifetime. Yeah . . . if both people want to work on it. That one doesn't think they have the right to rule over the other . . . I am convinced that yes, maybe it can work. But the two people have to have VERY similar value systems and have similar ways of doing things or else it just won't work. There isn't that same thought that you have to stay married just because - and thank god for that!!

I was married for 10 years. Well . . . almost. I would say out of those 10 years, maybe 2 were actually good . . . 3 if I push it. I won't say that I was the perfect wife. I know I wasn't. I am a slob. But he knew that before we were married! I didn't hide that. When we got married, he expected me to magically change. Maybe I had different expectations too . . . Like that he wouldn't flirt with other women . . . Of course, being married, I didn't think that one was too out of the ballpark for expectations. But it wasn't just that. We argued about money and the lack-there-of. During the first year of our marriage I got pregnant and we had a son. That was one of the best years I had. I did find that he had a bunch of dirty magazines under our bed and he said he'd gotten them to get back at me for a party I'd gone to that was just girls . . . I should have INSISTED that he come or that I shouldn't have gone to be with my friends. It was a dinner party at my friend's house . . .

But there was so much more. Verbal and emotional abuse. There were times it got physical. Probably about six times in 10 years. I guess that's better than some. Of course, the last time he hit me, I was 7 months pregnant with our daughter. She was almost 2 when I finally decided I wanted a divorce. I got serious about it after she was born. He begged to go to counseling so I said okay. I didn't want it said that I hadn't tried everything. But you know, the damage was done. It made it last one more year, but some things just can't be fixed.

Besides the physical abuse the mental abuse was worse. He blamed me for everything. Being bipolar and usually I was depressed (we didn't know I was bipolar at the time) he constantly pushed me. There was this one time, he wouldn't let up with his verbal punishment with me. I was in the kitchen with a knife to my wrist and he looked down at me (since I was sitting on the floor) and said, "Do it. You've talked about it so much, why don't you do it??" And to this day, I don't know if he wanted me to or not, but to push me? I was suicidal. The only thing stopping me at the time was our son . . .

But one of the things that hurt the most; It was literally traumatic; was when he had an affair. I was devistated and I was ready to kick him out. He had to convince me that he wanted to be with me. But the damage was done. In fact, at first, he didn't even tell me the whole story. I only got that he'd kissed her and felt her up. Well, she told him she was pregnant . . . which apparently she did with every guy she slept with. She told me herself how she'd lost twins and another kid. Apparently she was also good at miscarriages. Personally, I think she was lying. She always had this clouded expression of her face like she just wasn't there or was confused all the time. I think she was schizophrenic or maybe even bipolar complicated with hallucinations. I don't know. I don't care. But I remember being so upset and hurt that I told my husband that he'd better never know me how to use his gun, because if he did it again, I was going to shoot him. I meant every word at the time. Now I looked back on that and I laugh. Like he would even be worth the bullet. But it hurt me. Though I am so over him and over that. I mean, I don't give a crap who he slept with now just so long as he didn't give me anything, which he didn't. But there are still things from that time that I can't listen to or watch . . . I remember wanting to see this movie "Father Hood": and because he saw it with her, I can't watch it even now. Though I could care less about him, it triggers that pain. I also can't listen to the song "Lady in Red". I forget who it's by and I really don't care now. He bought that tape during that time. Some pain just resides there . . . It can't be undone. Even if you stop caring about that person, the trauma is there. And I swore I would never go through that again . . .

And so my philisophy . . . Expect that your partner will cheat. Expect that they will lie. Expect that you can't control them so don't . . . They will do what they will do and it's your choice whether or not you react. Maybe because of that, I just don't allow myself to get close enough to anyone anymore. My Ex put me through such a ringer that I will NEVER get married again. I refuse to let it bother me if my partner wants to screw around so long as he doesn't bring home anything to me.

Because I've said this to him (because it's not like we have a place to have much adult time and it's been months since we've been able to have sex or make love as he always insists on calling it) and he was getting frustrated. I said if it was that bad find someone else for the time being. If he needed it, he needed it. And because of that, he automatically assumed that it meant I was screwing around on him and that it was okay for him to do it too. WHAT?! So I get pissed. He's heard me talk about my Ex . . . I have explained this before. I KNOW I have . . . So it hit me from left field and he expects to want to get some tomorrow . . . Being upset, I'm not exactly inclined to "make love." Oh yeah, and that's something my Ex tried to pull on me too - "Well, I make love with you . . ." Like that made his screwing around any better.

And you know, even if I did (which I can't anyway, even if I wanted to, which I DON'T) I wouldn't be stupid enough to say anything. I wouldn't change my routine. I wouldn't change the way I act . . . and I would never say anything. It would be like nothing had happened. I would NEVER want to hurt someone. A mistake is a mistake. I forgave my Ex once . . . as much as I could forgive him. But the pain is still there, even though my feelings for him are long gone.

I just wish my boyfriend understood. I mean, I know he's gone through a lot too, but geez . . . I don't often compare him with my Ex, but he seems to always seems to try to compare me with his when something like this arises . . . I know both his wives screwed around on him, but I'm not them . . .

Sometimes I wonder if relationships are even worth it. Or maybe I am so used to being indepentant now for my own emotional sake that even though he and I are together maybe I will never be as close to him as he wants. Maybe I don't know how . . . maybe that part of me is broken forever. He and I have known each other for almost 6 years and have dated on and off that whole time. Only in the last two years have we been seeing each other seriously. I do love him. He makes me smile and laugh most of the time - something I desperately need more of. But he looks at me as his everything. There are times I just can't handle it. I can't be anyone's end-all-be-all . . . and I honestly think that I will never be able to love him the way he wants. But he says he'd be devistated if we broke up. The thing is, I have no intention of breaking up with him unless he hurts me, or brings up the pain. I have so much in my everyday life living with my family . . . I just can't handle anymore.

But what got me even more than that is when he asked me if this was about when my Ex and I started having problems. WHAT?? Our relationship was NOTHING like my marriage. And it was as if he were blaming me for the marriage going bad. Maybe he wasn't, but with all the things texted, it sure seemed that way. That might not be something I can let go of for a bit. With as much as my Ex hurt me to intimate that *I* caused the problems . . . screw that . . . THAT is something I will not abide by. I wasn't the abusive asshole. I didn't put him down constantly. I wasn't the one that verbally and emotionally abused me - and our son. I wasn't the one that screwed around. I wasn't the one that started the hitting . . . So . . . I can't even imagine why he'd intimate that . . . But THAT hurt.

As I said . . . Men . . .

Can't live with them . . . can't shoot them . . .

And I used to be so romantic and idealistic . . . Needless to say that bright-eyed bride is long gone . . . Replaced by a realist . . . Looking at everything with a sarcastic and brittle grin. Believe nothing . . . As Dr. Gregory House always says, "Everybody Lies" and he's right. Accept that and life is more managable . . . Your expectations change . . . and some things will hurt less . . . Though it doesn't work for everything . . .