Finally Over

I finally told Greg we were over. I know he was upset and hurt. He didn't see it coming at all. Personally, I don't know how he couldn't see it. Anyway, I explained over and over again the same thing and it doesn't really make a difference. He is willing to beg and manipulate to try to get me to stay with him . . . Trying to threaten suicide (without saying those exact words; ie "If ia make it through this" "If I'm not dead."). And you know, some of it isn't even him. I just don't think I am good at relationships. I think that being married to an abusive ass for 10 years has really just left me so apart from being able to feel true love for a man that it's just not worth it to potentially hurt someone else and it will save myself the aggravation. Maybe that's mean and selfish to say, but I need more stability than he can provide me and maybe no one can give that to me other than myself. And he needed more affection than I could give him given my circumstances. Personally, I told him before that I couldn't be his end all, be all; that he needed to get some more friends and yet I am still his only friend. This is after like a year! Maybe more! He wants me to be his everything and I just can't. No one should be placed in that position. Anyway, he was a sweet guy. This isn't for him being an asshole or anything. I just am done. I need quiet and less stress. I am finally thinking seriously about my writing again and to help me start sending my manuscript out Jason and Susan are getting me "Writers Market 2009" and it will give me all the addresses of publishers, what they publish and how to submit! And I am READY to do that! I can't wait anymore. If I am going to become an author and be serious about it, I have to take the next step. The first step was finishing my first book. I've finished three now and am halfway done with the fourth. So it's time to see if I can't get published. It's what I want . . . what I need for me. And maybe I will feel like the person I should have been . . . It will certainly be the fulfillment of a dream. The crazy thing is, right now I feel completely numb. My mind is just working on what I need to do. There is no real thought to how I will feel. There is just nothing and I HATE to feel this way. Of course, other times this week I have felt so much that I wanted to start cutting on myself . . . I haven't obviously . . . but it's the extra stress and he doesn't understand why . . .

Okay, I am talking in circles and it's time for me to stop for now. But I will say that it's finally over. It's honestly for the best and I need my space. I am just sorry he had to be hurt . . .