'Tis the Season for Depression . . .

'Tis the Season for Depression . . .

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Have to schedule another therapy session

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Have to up my anti-depressant

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Forget trying to wrap the Christmas presents

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Okay, I made that one up a couple of years ago. But the sentiment is kind of true. As much as I absolutely LOVE Christmas, I get very depressed this time of year. Unfortunately, I can't take anti-depressants to help because of my bipolar. Even with a mood stabilizer, I don't respond well to anti-depressants. They completely and totally wig me out. But it's hard to cope with the depression. It's like, I love Christmas movies, but they make me cry and I get depressed. I think maybe because my family has never had one of those "perfect" Christmases. Of course, you have to have a loving family first.

Don't get me wrong. My kids and I make one hell of a stellar family as far as I'm concerned. And with my other friends, we're a great family. We all love each other. But my friends have their own families and mine . . . I am the outsider looking in. I always was. We've never been close, but I don't think they're close with each other either. I used to think that maybe it was because they had grown up together - my mother being a single mother to my much-older siblings. You know, it gave them a special bond and for whatever reason I didn't measure up to that. It didn't help that even though they're all 20+ years old than me that they were jealous of me. My dad spoiled me. Their dad didn't. Not my fault. Then I heard rumors where I was my father's kid from one of his affairs. So I thought this was it. That they didn't love me because of that. Particularly my mother who I could never please (I still can't please her, but she isn't pleased by anyone except maybe her own children). So I thought that was my answer. But then when I was 28 I found out I was really adopted. 8 months after finding my birthmother, I found my birthfather. Turns out I was from an affair, but not my dad's affair.

But basically, we have never been this loving family where everyone cares and wants to make everyone else happy at Christmas. You know, I actually had to tell my mother a couple of years ago to stop giving me perfume and make-up. I never wore either. You'd think she'd notice since I live with her . . . I finally told her that if she really wanted to get me something I'd like to ask me what I wanted . . . I'd tell her a million different DVDs or books . . . music . . . So for the last couple of years I have picked out my own gift. But she's not really cared about what I might actually want since I was a teenager. Before that, it's pretty easy to pick out for kids. But even with my 17 year old son, I tell him to tell me what he wants or I tell them to write a list I can pick from. I mean, geez . . . I WANT them to have a good Christmas.

The funny thing is, this is the first Christmas in a long time that I am not completely stressing over yet. Usually my stress starts at the End of September and doesn't end until January. But I'm calm . . . just seriously depressed. Even now I just feel like crying and today I'm supposed to go out and do shopping. I have to do a lot of shopping - food, meds, Christmas . . . So much in so little time. And I do kind of look forward to it, but kind of dread it too. My money will be going very, very quickly. I just wish that I could have a Christmas where I was stressing out. Where I wasn't depressed. Where I just felt loved and happy . . . that my kids and I belonged somewhere. I keep telling myself that my kids and I have each other and that should be enough . . . but it's hard. I guess I always just wanted a real family . . . Something completely unattainable, of course. I wasn't raised in a real family. The closest thing I have to a real family are my friends, but they have families . . . Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if my dad were still alive. In fact, as much as I dreaded Christmas with the family, I always had my dad and he loved me. Sometimes I wondered, but he did. He loved me more than anyone else. He'd been the one that wanted to adopt me. My mother just adopted me because he wanted a baby. They got me at 2 days old.

I just feel alone. And having a boyfriend or husband doesn't help. I've pretty much always been alone. It's hard and I guess I feel it now more than any other time of the year.

But I will do the Christmas shopping, decorate our tree, maybe even bake some cookies . . . sing some carols, watch more Christmas movies, wrap gifts, fill stockings and in the end, I'll feel fine. I really do love Christmas. I love the lights, the smells . . . the cooler weather . . . I just feel so alone.