Here it is. It sucks but here it is. It was going so well too . . . Got a real tree. Decorated it. Put lights up. Put lights in our window. I even wrote a Christmas newsletter to send out to friends in Christmas cards. Was able to track down an address for my birthfather . . . I thought I had everything under control and everything was going to be fine. Even Greg and I are friends - and that's it. I can't do the relationship thing. I can't. I don't want to. It's not my thing and I don't want it to be ever again.
But then, this weekend, I finally got sleep I needed, but it also turned out that night I was sick. I was throwing up and had the diahreah thing . . . Cassie was at her friend Katie's - who lives just a complex up from Jason and Susan. I was thinking everything was fine . . . Until the next day. I actually ended up being tired, but all right. However, when Jason and Susan got home, I found out that no only did Cassie and Katie go into Jason and Susan's to see the kitties, but they spent the night. They ate there, dragged cat crap through the house (without realizing it it of course), but money was missing - which Cassie didn't take. I mean, I would be totally pissed too. But when they called me and I know they were venting. I do understand. In their place I might be the same way. But I didn't know anything either and I felt as if I were being reprimanded then I wasn't even there. I was home sick in bed, throwing up! I didn't know anything until after the fact too.
Anyway, I gave Cassie a talk. She won't talk to Jason and Susan. She doesn't want to go over there ever again. She never wants to see Katie again and she's put herself on 2 month grounding - how many kids do that? Jason said that they don't blame her anymore. Or maybe more accurately - they don't blame just her like they were last night. I know it comes down to the fact that Cassie got in and let Katie in, but after she was inside and then not listening to Cassie . . . Anyway, Cassie already got the talk to by me that it came back to her for letting Katie in to begin with . . . for letting them both in when Jason and Susan were out of town!
But then jason today tries handing me crap that he and susan could have gone to jail . . . WHAT?? They could not have gone to jail considering they weren't home and Cassie basically could have been charged with breaking and entering! Which means I probably would have ended up in jail, not them! Anyway, it's done. I can't fix it. I've already lectured her. She doesn't want to go over for Christmas Eve, which puts me in a difficult position because if she doesn't go, that means I either leave her here as prey for my other family, or I stay home too. Either way, Christmas feels completely ruined and I feel like I am in the middle of everyone I love and I don't think I can handle too much more of that. I count on my real family and kids to make this holidays great - and it usually ends up that way. And I had so high hopes for this holiday . . . and to see them dashed really sucks. Makes me just want Christmas over. It's hard to appreciate it when you feel like your world is coming down around you.
I don't blame them for being angry. I would have been furious too. But being Cassie's mom, I feel totally in the middle. I have already lectured her. She's already grounded . . . And they still want her to come over for Christmas eve and she doesn't want to go. She actually told me to tell them to take her presents back. She didn't want them now. I think she's afraid of getting lectured and/or yelled at now. So I just don't know what to do. And I have been holding the tears back since last night and I don't think I can anymore. I feel like I am in the middle of everyone I love and there is no way out. Everything is just falling apart around me . . . and all I can do it cry.
So here I sit, completely depressed when this season was actually going so well for awhile . . . Everything ruined. Even my mother can't help but do her bitch, bitch, bitch routine just a little more than usual. Well, when shit hits the fan, it hits the fan, right? I am trying so hard not to cry and I just can't stop it. I really do detest crying. I hate how I feel. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate all of this right now . . . Like Cassie, I'm sure, I wish that I could just disappear. What worries me is that if one more thing happens, I might not have to be worried about me hurting myself, but maybe Cassie trying to hurt herself. She hasn't done anything to make me think that, but it's like a vibration I feel. I don't think she could handle another thing and I think I'm right about her being bipolar too. I'd like to think I'm wrong, but everything is an over the top drama . . . Worse than any teenage years I remember . . . I don't know.
I just wish things would have stayed nice and happy and that for once I would have had a really good holiday season where I didn't have a lot of stress . . . no depression . . . that I was mostly happy . . . and now that's all gone . . .
Depression sucks and Depression at Christmas is even worse.
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