Okay, so it's taken me awhile to write another blog entry. I've had some up and down times and I wasn't sure I wanted to post about it or not. Plus, I kept forgetting to write in the mornings because I'm not used to it, but also when I forgot I ended up too tired at night as I've mentioned before. I need to get back to this being about my life. I haven't wanted to post anything about the not so great times lately because I don't want to hurt my friends' feelings should they come across this, but the thing is, this is how I get my emotions out. At least I don't give out full names like other people I have known, but I need to do what's good for my emotional well being.
Not that things have been terrible, but there have been some pretty difficult days. I love Jason, but when he's angry he doesn't care about what he says or who he hurts. Because he's angry he seems to believe he can say whatever he wants. No one else matters, until he realizes that he screwed up. Then he apologizes. The thing is, even if you apologize, which for the most part I accept usually without issue, he's done it enough times that I have felt emotionally drained. I pick up on his moods to try to avoid him when he's in those moods. But it doesn't always work. Then I start having responses that I used to have at my mother's when she was constantly verbally abusing me and having my siblings doing the same thing. I keep to myself. I won't go around him as much as I used to. I get a REALLY strong startle reflex like any big sudden noise I will flinch and a lot of times I feel like I have to walk on egg shells around him. I mean, I think about what I say before I say it most of the time, because I don't WANT to hurt anyone, but he doesn't and he always apologizes after and then expects to be forgiven as soon as he apologizes. That doesn't happen with me. Sometimes it takes a couple of days. But over this last incident, he really verbally abused me. He started yelling at me because I raised my voice so he could hear me from my room. He literally went off on me. I won't go into the whole details of what he said, but he put me down as a mother and a person, hitting me in my weak points. Not like everyone doesn't have some, right? But he was brutal about it. I had to take him up with Cassi and her friend Alyssa to Susan's work. I barely spoke to him though he apologized. He's made me cry and that's hard to do and I don't get over stuff like that easily. That seriously eroded my trust in him and he doesn't know that. But you can't just abuse people and expect things to go back to normal. I have forgiven him for the most part, but things won't be the way they were. There is a part of me that will always see him as a threat. Because if he can do that to me once, he can do it to me again. And I will say this isn't the first time. But it had best be the last or I don't know if I can forgive him again. He just acted way too much like my emotionally abusive family. I guess I might still have some lingering PTSD. It triggered me big time. So many people just don't understand that words can hurt so deeply. Sometimes worse than physical pain, Physical pain can eventually heal - most times. But the emotional and mental abuse will never completely go away.
Then I have been keeping an eye on Cassi. Jason went after her about a week ago too. It had causes a different argument between all of us - Cassi and I against Jason and Susan. I was pissed. Nothing I could really do. I took her out of the house and I was going to take her to a friend's place to stay the night, but she changed her mind and we went back to the apartment. She eventually apologized to them and talked to both of them. But then he started shit again after that week! This last week I have just been so tired of his crap! I mean, Cassi and I aren't perfect, but it always comes down to something hurt him, he's angry about something, he feels slighted . . . But no one else is really allowed to feel that way and if we do he argues it! And God forbid we should act out like he does! Okay, I guess I still have some anger issues to resolve.
The good thing was that Cassi did get to go up to Knott's Berry Farm for her sweet 16 this last weekend. Jason and Susan were nice enough to take her and Alyssa there. She seemed happy and then yesterday was her actually birthday. She's a Veterans Day baby. She hung out with her friend AJ most of the day. She ha actually wanted to take him and go down to OB. But I didn't have $5 to give them so that AJ could go with her and Jason and Susan don't feel like they should pay for AJ, which I totally understand, but it was Cassi's birthday. But it seemed she had a good day. Jason made Shake N Bake BBQ Chicken with mashed potatoes and broccoli. Then I had bakes her a cake and Susan had picked out some ice cream from the store. But by the time we had the cake and ice cream she was seriously depressed which worried me. Jason and Susan both noticed and were as concerned as I was. I talked to Cass a bit, but she didn't know why she was feeling that way. She went to bed shortly after that. I had forgotten to give her the card I had bought for her, so I got it ready and went out to her to see if she was awake. She was so he read the card and I think it made a little difference. I usually get funny cards, but this was one of the sweet cards and I just told her how much she meant to me. She loved the card and that made me happy. I am going to ask her how she's doing when she gets back this afternoon t gauge how she's feeling today. I am hoping she feels better. I did take a couple of photos, not as many was I would have liked, but when I saw how depressed she was, I just couldn't take that many.
Also, here's something. Within three days, I fell down twice! The first time was in the hall. I think I tripped over my pajama bottoms. They're a size to big for me. But I tried to recover only to la my shouldn't into the wall of my room. I was more shaken up than anything else. I was a bit sore the next day, but I recovered. Then a day after that, I was cleaning out Karissa's litter box, went to get up and one of my legs buckled under me. I slammed my ring finger toe into something and boy did it quickly swell and turn an icky shade of purple. At least my toe nail was fine! It hurt so much that day though. I could barely put pressure on it. I was worried that it was broken, but I realized that the most the doctor could do was tape it to another toe and I thought, what's the point? The next day it was tender, but I would walk on it okay and today, it's back to normal, though not to color! :-) Soon though, I hope!
As for my mood, it's been a bit down myself after this past week of crap. I am doing what I can to stay positive and I believe I am moving forward. I have a parent advocate from Cassi's school that's going to try to see me once a week to help me manage my emotions and to get more organized. Plus help me find a place to eventually move to. I mean, I make the calls, but she finds me the resources to try. I just wish I could get Section 8 like now, but I could still be waiting for a few years before I get it. Ugh! I do want to move out in the new year. That's one of my goals, but places I've called recently have no open waiting lists or they are no longer low income housing. It sucks and I can only move to certain areas because I can't move away from my resources like Therapy and my Psychiatrist. People tell me to get a new one, but I have been with these people for YEARS!!! At least a decade! I can't just go somewhere else. These people know me. I know them. They listen to me. I have a say in my treatment. I have had some bad Pdocs and Therapists too. I don't want to try to find new people that might end up not as good! I can't afford that with my bipolar II and my anxiety and panic attack disorders. So I am looking at Santee, El Cajon, Spring Valley and La Mesa. That's it. I can get to El Cajon from any of those places without using up a ton of fuel.
As far as today goes I'm a little on the downside. Not too terrible, but enough here I don't feel great. However, I did read my positive statement for the day. Today was that I was grateful for coffee! :-) I am grateful for it! In fact, I drank a bunch of coffee today! Pumpkin Pie Spiced creamer in it! Delish! I was also able to get this done and I think I am going to feel better once I finish and post it. I am extraordinarily tired. I was yesterday morning too. Marissa, the Parent Advocate, was supposed to come over, but she couldn't get into her office so we had to reschedule for Friday. I look forward to her visits. We both get a lot out of them, I think. She had gone through a lot and where she is with her kids is where I am been - kinda. But I think in a lot of ways we support each other. When she comes over we talk for an hour! It is just a bright spot in my day because she really helps me. I have a formula for phone calls now so I can keep track of her I have spoken with and about what and when. It's awesome! She helped me with the idea for the positive statements every day. I want to make more, but sometimes it's not easy to come up with things you like about yourself. I came up with about 20 though and at least 20 things I was grateful for. I think it's important to know what you are blessed with, so you don't forget to be grateful and not just the usual kids, family, friends . . . I'm grateful for good days! I'm grateful to learn. I am grateful for coffee! I am grateful for being able to see the positive even in bad situations. I am grateful for my internal strength. I don't always succeed with the positive statements, but I try and that was Marissa's idea. I had thought about it before, but she inspired me to do it! In fact, I might re-due the cards. Not sure I liked how I did them.
Anyway, I haven't lost my positivity even when I am feeling a little down. I remember that things change. It's the nature of life. Nothing will stay good forever, but it won't stay bad forever either.
Okay, I think I am done for today. If you made it this far in your reading, thank you for your interest and patience! :-) I hope everyone has a good day and if not, remember things change all the time!
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